Tax Jokes

Contents

Funniest Tax Jokes

Funny Tax Jokes

You can tell monopoly's an old game... ...because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail

I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now they are a non-prophet organization

You can tell Monopoly is an old game... ...because there's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

I saw a lady in tears at the store She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside. I gave her 100$ because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot.
#payitforward

Donald Trump is introducing a 30% tax on shredded cheese. It's part of his plan to Make America Grate Again.

So much tax evasion in America... Almost like the country was founded on it or something

Why don't programers pay tax to the Devil? Because that would be a sin-tax issue.

You can tell Monopoly is an old game... Because there is luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

America's new tax plan raises taxes on coal miners Which is weird. I thought American politicians were rather fond of minors.

I have a joke for you The government in this country is excellent, and uses your tax dollars efficiently.

U2 are one of Ireland's most successful bands. Or according to their tax returns, one of Netherlands' least successful hardware store owners.

Apparently Darth Vader has a right-wing billionaire cousin His name is Tax E. Vader

The UK announced it's removing tax from tampon sales. Though there will undoubtedly be strings attached.

What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? A taxidermist takes only your skin. [Mark Twain]

What’s the 3.141592653% tax that sailors charge? Pi Rates

What is Father Christmas's tax status? What is Father Christmas's tax status?

Elf-employed.

Everyone should pay their income tax with a smile I tried - but they wanted cash.

Breaking - Trump emailed Hillary Clinton his tax returns She just accidentally deleted them.

Want to hear a joke? Your government is competent and uses your tax dollars efficiently.

Trump may have dodged the draft but he was still given honorary military ranks. Private Tax Return,
Major Embarrassment,
Chief Petty Officer,
General Incompetence.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

I'm writing a film about a cannibal undead tax exile who plays drums, eats your mother and then is sick. It's a nondomtomtomnomnommomvomromzomcom

Donald Trump has just announced a massive jobs program involving tax credits for shredded cheese factories. He says he wants to "make America grate again."

What's the difference between tax and fine? A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

All states should legalize marijuana and redirect the resulting tax revenues to road repair We'll call the program "Operation Pot Holes."

How did Mitt Romney get a 14% tax rate? He claimed 47% of America as dependents.

At this point I feel that there's probably nothing self-incriminating in his tax returns. Or else Donald J. Trump or Junior would have tweeted it out to the public.

A man calls the IRS office "Hi, my last name is Sweady, but on the cheque you sent me for my tax return, you've written it as cyirwu."

"I'm sorry about that, could you spell it out for me?"

"Sure, S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in double-u, and Y as in you."

How does Romney only claim a 14% tax rate? He claims 47% of the U.S. as dependents.

A preist, a paedophile, a tax evader and a rapist walk into a bar. He orders a drink.

Clinton to Trump: Release your tax returns! I have never seen them. Trump: …but I emailed them to you. Of course you've never seen them.

The Atheist Church of America just filed a new tax status with the IRS. ​

They are a non-prophet organization.

Why did the calculator pay $100 for a pack of cigarettes? There was a sin tax error.


[8.5]

Did you hear about Trump's tax plan? Declare that the US has a $900 million loss so we all don't have to pay taxes!

What tax filing service does a pirate use? H&ARGH Block

Hillary demands that Trump release his tax returns Trump says - I'll email them to you.

In all fairness, Trump can't release his tax returns At least not until Putin sends him his W2s.

I paid more tax than amazon That’s it

I was told when I bought solar panels that with the tax breaks, they'd be free. They're on the house.

Popular Topics

New Tax Jokes

I was woken up by a phone call telling me I’ve committed tax fraud They must have had the wrong number cause I don’t pay taxes

Why did the Sith Lord go to prison He was exposed to be a tax eVADER

Who is tax frog? And why is my dad in jail because of him?

Apparently you have to pay extra for candy these days They call it the Tic Tax

Finally got my tax return Is there anywhere I can still buy toilet paper?

Have you heard about the tax on balloons? They are taxing them to new heights!

"65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women."

The IRS feels bad for you so lets you have a chance at getting your tax money back 2 of them put it in a ball and play keepaway

Can't win A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

The IRS has made a major announcement. All Marijuana Dealers must file a joint tax return.

I was on board with Trump for the groping, the concentration camps, Kim Jong-Un, the trade war, the millionaire tax cut... But he really needs to watch his language

What's the difference between a government employee and a welfare bum? Nothing, they both take your tax money while doing absolutely nothing.

The US President says "We're gonna tax your country an extra 25%"... so China responds, "Yuanna fight?

Taxes are a funny thing I mean isn’t it weird how the poorest people have to pay as much on tax as the wealthiest

What happens when a Republican and a Lobbyist get in bed? Tax payer gets screwed

​

​

Credit: Cenk Uyger

Tax vs. Fine A fine is a tax for doing something wrong.

A tax is a fine for doing something right.

Which state would like to pay the most bill for building Trump wall? Tax us

I woke up, did my tax return, aced my exam, right before going into labor and giving birth It was a reproductive day.

Which state of people would like to pay the tax bill the most? Tax us

Why do women make less money than men Because of the property tax

So the EU just passed their internet censorship legislation... [Insert $0.05 tax to view joke here]

The Supreme Court ruled against increasing tax on flatbread imports from India. The case was closed by a no naan cents judge.

What's the difference between a Taxidermist and a Tax Collector? A taxidermist only takes your skin...

Have you heard of the group that worships Mother Theresa? It's a nun prophet organization.



I thought of this while thinking of tax exemptions for religious groups, hopefully no one has posted it here already :)

The Lottery Is a voluntary tax for the mathematically challenged.

Don MacLean lobbied for GM to be included in a carmaker tax He wanted to bring Chevy to the levy

Why are tax evaders underfed in prison? Five words: you get what you pay for

How much tax does Bruce Willis pay on a dollar? Six cents.

Feeling alone? Feeling unwanted, like no one gives a hoot? Do what I did... don't file your tax returns.

Dog named Tax There once was a dog named Tax. I opened the door and income Tax.

What do folks on Wall Street call President Trump’s tax bill? A write off passage.

Did you know that the IRS is now offering a tax credit for those who purchase marijuana? Yeah, all you need to do is file a joint return.

What is the science or process of classifying living things? Tax Bracketing.

NEW PiCK UP LINE : I'm looking for a woman that can help me get the child tax credit

Yo mama is just like my 1040 tax form EZ

Did you hear Mike Sorrentino from the Jersey Shore is pleading guilty to tax evasion? You could say he's in a Bad "Situation".

The dark chocolate cake we had at Christmas dinner was so unbelievably rich ... ... it actually benefitted from the Republican tax plan.

The new GOP tax bill just moved me to the zero tax bracket I make none

Being offended by a joke is like Paying tax on comedy,..

DMX is going to jail for 5 years for Tax Evasion Looks like the Government is gonna be givin it to him.

Popular Topics

Long Tax Jokes

One day an elderly rich person is summoned by the IRS.

The IRS tax agents decide to audit an elderly man, and summon him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when the old man showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says the elderly guy. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘

The old guy says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
The elderly guy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
The old guy then says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

The auditor can tell he isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
The elderly guy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with his attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ the elderly person asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

The old guy stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But the elderly guy's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when He told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it'

Tax time at the Synagogue...

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi."Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue."
"Internal Revenue!," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue. And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:

"The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do for living?"

Gambler says "I am a professional gambler."

"A gambler?" said the IRS agent with slightly puzzled and surprised look on his face.

"Yes, I make my money by betting, would you like a demonstration?"

"Sure" said the IRS agent "let's have a demonstration"

"I will bet you $1,000; that I can bite my eye" said the gambler.

"OK, you have a bet" replied IRS agent with a smirk on his face. The gambler pops out his glass eye and bites it. IRS agent is shocked as he did not see that coming, and he did agree to a $1,000 bet in from of gamblers attorney.

"All right, all right, this was not really fair" said the gambler. "I will give you a chance to win your money back. I will bet you another $1,000 that I can bite my other eye."

IRS agent looks over the guys paperwork and see that he is not legally blind and takes the bet. The gambler takes out his dentures and bites his other eye. The IRS agent is now visibly stressed and sweating for being on the hook for $2,000.

"I tell you what. Double or nothing, I will stand on the edge of your desk, close my eyes and piss into the garbage can on the other side of the room without spilling a drop, what do you say?"

IRS agent is a little perplex, but does not see how that would be possible and takes the bet. The gambler stands on the agents desks, unzip his pants, closes his eyes and pisses all over the agents desk.

"YES!!!" exclaimed the IRS agent knowing he won the bet and does not own the gambler any money.

"Ahh, shiiiit" said the attorney.

"What's the matter?" asked the IRS agent.

"Well, he bet me $20,000 that he will come to your office today, piss all over your desk, and you would be happy about it."

The taxman . . .

At the end of the tax year, The Taxation Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"


"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."


"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.


But on he went, in his obnoxious way. ”What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"


"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."


"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive. "Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"


"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

Two Cows

**Edit: Just to make it clear, I am not taking credit for the joke(s). I just merely found it/them whilst browsing around and thought you guys would appreciate it/them.**



SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour



COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk



NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.

You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION

You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.

You still only have two cows.


A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

An elderly priest is retiring

A catholic priest had served the church for over sixty years and finally decided that he was too old to continue the priesthood. He was giving a speech to the congregation.

"I remember when I first became a priest," he said. "I was terrified. I had never done public speaking before such a large audience before, and I was afraid I would mess up. To make matters worse, my first confession was terrible. Adultery, theft, gambling, tax fraud- luckily, it wasn't all like that."

The priest finishes his speech and sits down. Just then, the mayor walks in the door to give a closing to the ceremony.

"Sorry I'm late," he said. "The traffic was terrible. Our priest here will be dearly missed. I remember when he first became a priest. In fact, I was his first confession!"

A programmer is working on a convenience store cash register...

A programmer is working on the software for a cash register computer at a convenience store. He finally thinks he got it done and tests a few items. Scans a gallon of milk:

> $2.50

Perfect. How about this bag of beef jerky?

> $4.99

Excellent. 20 oz soda?

> $1.59

Perfect. How about this box of cigarettes?

> ERROR

Huh? Maybe try this can of snuff?

> ERROR

Shit.
So he looks through the code again, making sure he checked every parenthesis and spelled every function correctly. He checks. Double checks. Triple checks. Finally, he sees the problem.

It was a sin tax error.

True story but funny.

While filling my car up i noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity.



I see 2 cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it... tax dollars in action I guess.



As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying" type screaming. I look around and see that this womans arm is on fire! She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air! The cops jump into action and put the fire out, then arrest and handcuff her!



I think this is a bit harsh and that the woman should be going to the hospital, not jail so I ask one cop why are they arresting her.



The cop replied, "For waving a firearm in public"

Since it's tax time and all...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”

Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...

**SOCIALISM**

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbor.

The government charges a gift tax.



**COMMUNISM**

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.



**FASCISM**

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.



**NAZISM**

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.



**BUREAUCRATISM**

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.



**TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM**

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.



**Goldman Sachs (VENTURE) CAPITALISM**

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.



**AN AMERICAN CORPORATION**

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.



**A GREEK CORPORATION**

You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.



**A FRENCH CORPORATION**

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.



**A JAPANESE CORPORATION**

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.



**AN ITALIAN CORPORATION**

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.



**A SWISS CORPORATION**

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.



**A CHINESE CORPORATION**

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.



**AN INDIAN CORPORATION**

You have two cows.

You worship them.



**A BRITISH CORPORATION**

You have two cows.

Both are mad.



**AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION**

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.



**A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION**

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks rather attractive.........

An old man and his lawyer have a meeting with an IRS agent.

They sit down in his office as the agent pulls out the man's tax records. "it says that the majority of your income is made by gambling, how do you manage that?". The man replies "I'll show you; I will bet you $1000 that I can bite my own eyeball." The agent thinks a minute and then agrees to the bet. The man pops out his glass eye and chomps down on it. The agent is surprised and disappointed.
The man then says "you didn't know I had a fake eye, so I'll give you another chance; double or nothing that I can bite my other eye!". The tax agent thinks that of course he can't have two fake eyes, so he agrees. The old man pops out his dentures and chomps them down on his other eye.
The agent is distraught, how did he fall for that? Seeing the agent upset the old man has another offer: " tell ya what, double or nothing one more time that I can stand on one end of your desk, piss into the trash can on the other side without getting a drop on the desk." the tax agent looks at his oversized 8 foot long desk and figures there's no way he can do this, so he takes the bet. The man unzips, gives it a good try, but ends up pissing all over the agent's desk. The tax agent looks up smiling that he finally won, but then sees the lawyer shaking his head in disbelief. "what's wrong with you" he asked. The lawyer responds "just before we walked in the door he bet me $10000 that he could piss all over your desk and you'd be happy about it."

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know what I want?

--Well, according to your street name and your apartment number, your last 12 orders were a large pepperoni pizza

--Uh, o-okay... yeah, I want that please...

--May I suggest pizza without salt, ricotta, brocoli and tomato?

--What? Why? No! I hate vegetables!

--Your cholesterol is not good sir...

--And how do you know?

--We got your info on your last 7 blood analysis, the numbers are quite bad

--Stop! Enough! I take my medication!

--Uhhh, sorry sir but our database shows that you've not taken it lately. The last box of medication you bought, was bought the 15th of February at 3:45 PM.

--B-But I bought more at another pharmacy!

--Your credit card records tell otherwise...

--I paid in cash! I have another source of income

--Your last tax declaration doesn't show that, sorry sir, we dont want you to have problems with the government...

--Forget it! I dont want my pizza anymore!

--Sorry sir, we just wanna help.

--Help? I'm so tired of Google, Facebook, Instagram, everything! I'm gonna go to an island where I can live without internet!

--I understand sir, but it says her that your passport expired 5 months ago...



《Credit goes to a Facebook page I follow, I just translated it :D》

Tax Audit

The IRS decides to audit Morris, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Morris shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Morris. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Morris says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Morris removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Morris says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Morris isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Morris removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Morris's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Morris asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Morris stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just cancelled a major loss. But Morris's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Morris told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and not only that but you'd be happy about it!'

IRS Auditors

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,
"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question ," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

Messing with the Taxman...

THE TAX MAN CALLS.
The Taxman decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the Tax office.

The taxman was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his accountant.

The taxman said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the tax office finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The taxman thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.'

The taxman thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The taxman's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the taxman can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his false teeth and bites his good eye.

The stunned taxman now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's accountant as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?', Grandpa asks? 'I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on this side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The taxman, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old man could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much pees all over the taxman's desk.

The taxman leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own accountant moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?', the taxman asks.

'Not really,' says the accountant. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand pounds that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess wth Old People . . .
We may be old, but we are not stupid!

The Best Gambler in the World.

I read this joke online somewhere and thought I'd share it with you folks.

A man with his attorney walk into an IRS building to get audited. The auditor looked at the tax payer and said...

... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says the man. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

The man says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

The man removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

The man says, "Now, I'll bet you another thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell this man isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

The man removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost two grand within minutes while the mans attorney is in the room as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" The man asks. "I'll bet you four thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there is no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees to the bet.

The man stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But the mans attorney moans and slaps his hands to his face.

The auditor walks up to the attorney and asks, "Are you okay?"

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when he told me about being summoned for an audit, he bet me ten thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be excited about it."

This Joke Is A Real Lemon

A barman was very proud of the fact that he could squeeze a lemon so that no more juice would come out of it He made a standing offer of $1000 to anyone who could get more juice out of a lemon after he'd squeezed it. Every night big, burly regulars at the bar attempted to get more juice from a lemon he'd squeezed, but no one could produce so much as a drop. But one night, a little bloke walked in and said he'd heard of the standing offer and would like to try. The barman said 'How do you think you could succeed when all these blokes have failed?' And the little guy said: 'Just give me a chance and I'll show you'.

So the barman, thinking his regulars would enjoy the joke, picked up a lemon and squeezed it. After squeezing all the juice he could out of it, he handed the dried ring to the little bloke and said: 'Here you go.' The little bloke took the lemon and squeezed it and managed to get one, two, three for fix, SIX more drops of juice. Amazed, the barman said: 'Well, here's your $1000. But what do you do for a living? Are you a professional bodybuilder or what?' And the little bloke said: 'No, I work for the Tax Department.'

Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...

​

\*\*SOCIALISM\*\*

​

You have 2 cows.

​

You give one to your neighbor.

​

The government charges a gift tax.

​



​

\*\*COMMUNISM\*\*

​

You have 2 cows.

​

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

​



​

\*\*FASCISM\*\*

​

You have 2 cows.

​

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

​



​

\*\*NAZISM\*\*

​

You have 2 cows.

​

The State takes both and shoots you.

​



​

\*\*BUREAUCRATISM\*\*

​

You have 2 cows.

​

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

​



​

\*\*TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM\*\*

​

You have two cows.

​

You sell one and buy a bull.

​

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

​

You sell them and retire on the income.

​



​

\*\*Goldman Sachs (VENTURE) CAPITALISM\*\*

​

You have two cows.

​

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

​

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

​

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

​

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.

​

No balance sheet provided with the release.

​

The public then buys your bull.

​



​

\*\*AN AMERICAN CORPORATION\*\*

​

You have two cows.

​

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

​

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

​



​

\*\*A GREEK CORPORATION\*\*

​

You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.

​



​

\*\*A FRENCH CORPORATION\*\*

​

You have two cows.

​

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

​



​

\*\*A JAPANESE CORPORATION\*\*

​

You have two cows.

​

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

​

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

​



​

\*\*AN ITALIAN CORPORATION\*\*

​

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

​

You decide to have lunch.

​



​

\*\*A SWISS CORPORATION\*\*

​

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

​

You charge the owners for storing them.

​



​

\*\*A CHINESE CORPORATION\*\*

​

You have two cows.

​

You have 300 people milking them.

​

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

​

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

​



​

\*\*AN INDIAN CORPORATION\*\*

​

You have two cows.

​

You worship them.

​



​

\*\*A BRITISH CORPORATION\*\*

​

You have two cows.

​

Both are mad.

​



​

\*\*AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION\*\*

​

You have two cows.

​

Business seems pretty good.

​

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

​



​

\*\*A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION\*\*

​

You have two cows.

​

The one on the left looks rather attractive.........

To the citizens of the USA from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

In the light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Our new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded -- a questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.


To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).


12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware of a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers, and never mugs, with high-quality biscuits (not cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.


*God Save the Queen!*


Disclaimer: I never saw this posted here, and though it may be a bit dated, I thought it was an entertaining read.
Ps: sorry it's long.

The IRS Audit

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the
books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy
a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's
too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question ," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back
to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free
roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster
purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on
a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to
the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of
plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the
remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save
all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about
once a year they send us a complete prick."

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