Hillary Jokes

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Funniest Hillary Jokes

Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

Funny Hillary Jokes

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet. Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

Donald Trump said if I voted for Hillary Clinton I'd have a President constantly under Federal investigation. I did and we do.

Your parents in 1996: "Don't trust ANYBODY on the internet!" Your parents today: "Freedom Eagle dot facebook says Hillary invented AIDS."

Apparently Monica Lewinsky won't be voting for Hillary Clinton this election She says the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth

If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? America.

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton. That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a plane crash. Who survives? America.

If Hillary Clinton won she would’ve been the first F president. I didn’t say female because someone deleted the emale.

If Trump and Hillary are both drowning and you could only save one... What type of sandwich would you make?

If Hillary Clinton is elected as our first female President it's really going to redefine a few things for me.... ....Like the words President Bush.

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump? Because orange is the new black.

Now I'm not saying I'm a good businessman But I spent $534 million less than Hillary Clinton to not become President.

What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol? Depends, what is yours?

Why does Hillary Clinton have two Ls in her first name? 1 for 2008, 1 for 2016

I really think Hillary Clinton will be the first f president Oops. I meant female but the emale got deleted

What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and an acronym? An acronym stands for something

How many Hillary Clinton supporters does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They prefer to be left in the dark.

If Hillary wins, I'm moving to... Benghazi. At least I know there, she'll leave me alone

Hillary Clinton will potentially be the first f***** president. I wrote female, but apparently someone deleted the email

Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved? The United States of America.

To Hillary supporters, don't give up hope! Nelson Mandela served 27 years in prison before becoming President.

This speech will be very hard for Hillary Clinton... She isn't getting paid for it

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins? Society

Monica Lewinsky has released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for the American Presidency: "I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."

What does Hillary Clinton say when she's unhappy at a restaurant? Can I have a different server?

What did Hillary Clinton do when her email was hacked? She asked Donald Trump to build a firewall.

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walk into a bar. They ask the bartender, "What have you got?"

The bartender points to two taps.

They say, "What? That's it?! We don't like either of those choices!"

The bartender says, "Now you know how I feel."

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walk into a debate... America says, "What is this, a joke?"

They should send Hillary Clinton to the U.S. Mexico border Since no one can get over her...

If hillary nukes Russia I can see the headlines now "Everyone in Moscow commits suicide"

Bernie Sanders is such a socialist... ...he gave Hillary Clinton half the votes in Iowa.

Monica Lewinski Will Not Vote for Hillary Clinton The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

Hillary Clinton could've been the first f president. Sorry, I meant to write female but the emale got deleted.

All Trump has to say to beat Hillary in the debates "I know Hillary can be bought. I have the receipts."

The year is 2016. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are both travelling in the same plane. Plane comes crashing down. Who survives? America.

Why do people like Hillary Clinton? When she can't even stand herself?

If Hillary Clinton was elected, she would have been the first f president. I would say female, but the emale got deleted.

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New Hillary Jokes

Hillary gave Jeffrey Epstein a high five but she still left him hanging

Boris Johnson, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden are in a plane crash. Who survives? The world.

Keep perspective, COVID-19 has a lower fatality rate than being willing to testify against Hillary

Michael Bloomberg will not pick Hillary Clinton as his VP He's not ready to commit suicide

What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and Adolf Hitler? Hitler won an election.

2/3 of all impeached presidents were done so for the same reason for embarrassing Hillary Clinton

Instead of ‘Clue’, we should have a game called ‘Epstein’ where the objective is to find out who the murderer is. Players include Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Prince Edwards!

How do you piss off 100s of millions of people at the same time? Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were both upstanding candidates fully deserving of the US presidency.

Guess What Happened To Hillary Clintons Emails! \[Removed\]

[Politics] Joke Advice: Don’t make Hillary Clinton jokes in this subreddit. They’re not funny.

Rather, they’re hillary-ious.

Poem of the Right Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

Sure Trump's bad,

But Hillary is too.

Hillary Clinton should’ve been the first F president. Sorry, I meant female, but the emale got deleted.

How many Russians does it take to make Hillary lose an election? None.

How many Russians does it take to make Hillary Clinton lose an election? None

Hillary Clinton should have been the first F president. Sorry, I meant female, but the emale got deleted.

I thought up a good band name last night. Hillary and the Emails. Would be HYUUUGE in 48% of the US.

Hillary Clinton's Emails \[deleted\]

What is Hillary Clinton's least favorite vegetable? Leaks

Why did Bill Clinton have an affair with Monica? Because Hillary only blows elections.

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on the same plane. The plane crashes, who survives? America.

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are sitting in a boat. The boat sinks. Who survives? America.

My sister thought of this one during the twenty sixteen election. Hillary and Trump are stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean. Who wins? America.

Why didn't Monica Lewinsky vote for Hillary Clinton? The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

Revamped Reagan/Churchill-Gorbachev marathon joke. Trump, Hillary, and Putin ran a marathon.
Trump wins, Putin finished last.

US newspapers: Hillary finished second.

Russian newspapers: Putin won.

They should build the wall out of Hillary People clearly can't get over her.

Instead of Hillary Clinton, maybe Stormy Daniels should have run against Trump? I'm pretty sure she would've spanked him.

I don't think Putin won a fair election Hillary won the popular vote

Do you know the difference between Vladimir Putin and Hillary Clinton? Vladimir Putin can win an election rigged in his favor

Hillary Clinton found out that Bill was getting it on with Monica Lewinsky. She shrugged her shoulders and said "Better her than me."

In 2016, Obama left Trump and Hillary as the 2 choices for president. Thanks, Obama.

Why will Congress never impeach Hillary Clinton? Because she didn't win the election.

What does Hillary Clinton do with her old, out-of-style clothes? She wears them.

How did Hillary Clinton beat Bernie? The same way Monica beat Bill... under the table

I'm going to the Halloween party at my office today as President Hillary Clinton I'm not going to show up.

Apparently Monica Lewinsky didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton this election. She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

Trump is going to reveal the classified JFK assassination details Turns out it was Hillary Clinton.

Hillary was asked if Weinstein's behavior compared to that of her husband's. She said "Close, but no cigar."

Nobody's happier about hurricane Irma than Hillary Clinton and Al Gore It's the only reason their books are flying off the shelves in Florida.

Hillary Clinton is scheduled for a book signing in Brookfield, CT at Costco Strange that she chose Costco, because Bill prefers BJ's

Hillary Clinton would've been the first F president I would've said female, but she deleted the email.

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Long Hillary Jokes

Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening...

One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him,
"Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!"

He responded by saying "How's about 5 dollars?", jokingly, and kept walking.

This same thing kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the prostitute, she would offer him her services for fifty dollars, and he would decline and say he'd only pay five. One evening, however, Hillary asked if she could come along on the walk with him, and Bill reluctantly agreed, nervous about what Hillary would say if the prostitute yelled at him again. They went on the walk, and when they passed the alley, to Bill's surprise, the prostitute was silent, and they continued on their walk. As they were about to round the corner, however, they heard the prostitute's voice from behind them,

"So that's what five dollars gets you, huh?"

The Pope and Hillary are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Hillary and said,

"Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"


So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her off the stage!

It's Bill and Hillary Clinton's fiftieth anniversary...

As they sat over a candle lit dinner, Hillary made a confession. "Bill," she says. "You know that box in the basement you told me never to open?"
"Yes" says Bill.
"It had been bothering me for years and finally curiosity won over. I opened it."
Bill sighed in disappointment. Hillary asked, "I found three empty beer bottles and seventy seven dollars. Can I ask why you were keeping three empty beer bottles?"
"Well, Hillary. I'm going to be honest. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I would come home and open a beer. I would drink it thinking about how I really love you and how sorry I was. The beer bottles are reminders of the mistakes I made cheating on you."
Hillary was surprised but she knew his past and accepted it. "Bill, I'm dissapointed, but we have been through worse. I love you and I forgive you. Can I ask why there was seventy seven dollars in the box?"
Bill shrugged. "Everytime the box filled up with beer bottles, I took them back for the deposit."

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!

A man dies and goes to heaven

In heaven, he sees a wall of very large clocks.

He asks the Angel "What are all these clocks for?"

Angel answers "These are lie clocks, every person has one lie clock. Whenever you lie on earth, the clock ticks once."



The man points towards a clock and asks, "Who's clock does this belong to?"

Angel answers 'This clock belongs to Mother Teresa. It has never moved, so she has never told a lie."

then the man asks "Where is Hillary Clintons clock?"

The Angel replies "That one is in our office, we use it as a table fan."

Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . .

and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."

Bush, Trump, Sanders, and Clinton are all on a plane about to crash.

A plane with Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton & Bernie Sanders is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes.
The first passenger yells, "I'm Jeb Bush, let the big dog eat! I can't
afford to die." he took the first parachute and jumped.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump runs screaming, "I'm the smartest man in the world & the next President of America. He grabbed the second parachute and jumped.
The 3rd passenger, Hillary Clinton, says to Bernie Sanders "Take the last parachute."
Bernie says, "It's ok Hillary, there is a parachute for both of us. The
world's smartest man just took my backpack."

Q&A Time w/Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.

"Kenny," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks.

"I have three questions," he says.
"First -- what happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"Third -- what happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?”

Just then the bell rings for recess.

Hillary tells the students that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says,

"Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?”

A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.

Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.

"Johnny," he says.

"What is your question, Johnny?" she asks.

"I have five questions," he says.
"First -- what happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"Third -- whatever happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?
"Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
"And, fifth -- where's Kenny?”

The 2016 Presidential Race is ending...

It's the end of the 2016 presidential race and the people of the United States hated all the candidates so much that nobody voted. The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: a literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap around the White House and the person with the best time would become president. Bernie Sanders goes first, but being as old as he is, he takes about 24 minutes. Trump goes next and arrives with a time of 14:26. Hillary Clinton goes last, running as fast as she can, trampling the flowers and shrubs in her way in an effort to beat Trump's time. She finally crosses the finish line at just under ten minutes.

"Aha!" She exclaims, "That must be some kind of record!"

"I don't think so," says Obama, "Bush did 9:11"

A man, his dog, and a sheep

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.


After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave-in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had *** for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

Hillary Clinton is elected President.

On her first night in the White House (not counting when she was first lady), she is visited by the ghost of George Washington.

She asks, "What can I do to help America?"

Washington replies "Serve your country selflessly and always be honest"

*Hillary laughs in his face*

On her second day in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.

She asks, "What can I do to help America?"

Jefferson replies "Remember that governments derive their power from the consent of the governed, and that the individual is to have sovereignty over himself."

*Hillary laughs in his face*

On her third day in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.

She asks, "What can I do to help America?"

Lincoln replies "Go to the theater."

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one night

when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.

About one hour later Hillary sees her driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

”What happened to you?” asked Hillary.

”Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.”

”My God, what did you tell them?” asks Clinton.

The driver replies, ”I’m Hillary Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig!”

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery...

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery.

As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.

The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?" Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road

one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it , but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you?," asked Hillary .

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me."

"What did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

Obama, Hillary and Trump

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."

God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"

Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."

God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?"

Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk into a bakery.

As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket. She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.”
The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

Trump goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Trump asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"

Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"

Hillary Clinton goes t o a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he says
And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks.

I have three questions," he says.

"1st -- whatever happened in Benghazi?

2nd -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?

And, 3rd -- whatever happened to the missing six-billion-dollars while you were Secretary
of State?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a
question?"


A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.

Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Johnny," he says.

"And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.

"I have five questions," he says.

"1st -- whatever happened in Benghazi?

2nd -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?

3rd -- whatever happened to the missing six-billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?

4th -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?"

And 5th -- where's Kenneth?"

Hillary Clinton speaks to the schoolchildren

Teacher: Class please welcome Hillary Clinton today. She will answer your questions.

Hillary: Hello class. Who has the first question?

*Johnny raises hand*

Johnny: My name is Johnny. I have 3 questions.

- Why did you lie about Benghazi?
- What was in those emails you deleted?
- And does your pattern of corruption mean we can never trust you?

*The recess bell rings and the children return 40 minutes later.*

Hillary: Ok. Where were we? Who has a question?

*Kid raises hand*

George: My name is George and I have 5 questions.

- Why did you lie about Benghazi?
- What was in those emails you deleted?
- Does your pattern of corruption mean we can never trust you?
- Why did the bell ring 10 minutes early?
- And... uh... oh yeah. Where's Johnny?

Bill Clinton steps off of a helicopter onto the White House lawn

He's carrying a pig under each arm. A marine who's there to greet him says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton responds, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine replies, "Nice trade, sir!"

Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate...

"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"

Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.

"Hey!" Trump interrupts, "Is she allowed to just steal my answer like that??"

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