French Jokes

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Funniest French Jokes

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

Funny French Jokes

How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris? I don’t know, it’s never been done

Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee? 'Cause they hate the French press

TIL The American flag on the moon has turned white due to radiation Now it looks like the French landed on the moon

TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag. Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.

My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.

What are the two problems with the French flag? The red bit and the blue bit.

Did you know the first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

Why do French tanks have a rear-view mirror? So that they can see the battlefield

Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives. A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:

cop: name?

Otto: Otto

cop: address?

Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin

cop: Occupation?

Otto: no, just visiting...

What do you get if you take off the red dot on the Japanese flag? The French flag!

I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name. Is this Trudeau?

The French Revolution was pretty rough. Did you hear about what happened to Louis XVI's head? [Removed]

Why does the French Army install Rear-view mirrors in their Tanks? So that they can see the battle.

TIL the american flag planted on the moon is now completely white due to radiation from the sun. Great, now future archeologists are gonna think the French got there first.

Why do French people eat snails? Because they don't like fast food.

Why do french tanks have rear view mirrors? To see the battle.

Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors? So they can see the battlefield!

I once thanked a French guy to death It was a merci killing

I went to a French zoo There was a baguette in a cage, so I asked the keeper what that was about and apparently it was bread in captivity. (All credit to the wife for that one)

Why do french tanks have rear mirrors? So they can also see the front lines.

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one. But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

Why do the French make omelettes with only one egg? Because in France one egg is un oeuf.

TIL France got a different version of The Force Awakens than the rest of the world. While the international version ends with Rey and Luke, the French version ends with fin.

Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine. Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine

Why did France give the Statue of Liberty to the USA? Because the French had no use for a statue with only one hand in the air.

When the US went to the moon.... ...they planted the American Flag. After all these years the radiation from the Sun will have bleached it completely white, so now if Aliens find it they are going to think the French were there first.

Why do french people eat snails ? They don't like fast food.

French Jokes Who won the first Tour de France?
The 6th Panzer division.

Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
To see the front line.

How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?
No one knows.

Why do French tanks have rear windows? So they can see the battlefield!

I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class. I've never run so far in my life.

The first french fries were not cooked on France. They were cooked in Greece.

Why do the french have windows at the rear end of their tanks during WW2? So they can see the battlefield

Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle? Because electricity flows in the path of *least resistance*

Why do french tanks have mirrors? So they can see the battlefield.

Why did the French chef kill himself? He lost his huile d'olive

Why did the French give the statue of liberty to America? They had no use for a statue with only one hand raised

What's the name of the most popular French knight? Sir Ender.

After a long and distinguished career, my French teacher finally retired. Adios, amigo.

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New French Jokes

An English man, French ,Italian and German are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer. The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"

Why do the French eat escargot? They don’t like fast food.

Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth. But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît

Why do the French make their omelettes with only one egg instead of two or three? Because in France, one egg is un oeuf.

I always forget the french word for strawberry But I eventually remember the fraise

A magician was performing for a bilingual audience. He asked "Do you all see me?"

The Englishman said, "Yes".

The French said, "Oui".

The Spaniard said, "Si".

The German said, "Ja".

What do you call an attention deficit French vampire? Drac...Ooh La La!

I asked a French guy if he played video games. He said Wii.

Why do French tanks have rear veiw mirrors So they can see the battlefield

What do you call a person who is into French Anime girls? An ouiaboo.

Did you hear about the French cheese factory that caught on fire? All that was left was da brie...

What Does A French Person Smoke? oui'd

The French monarchy was a bad idea But it was brilliantly executed

Why do french people only eat one egg at breakfast? Because one egg is un oeuf

What did the French groundhog see when he woke up? His château.

French fries are not made in France. They are actually made in Grease.

Why do the French eat small breakfasts? Because one egg is un oeuf.

A hamburger walks into a bar and orders French fries. Bartender replies rudely "We don't serve food here".

To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

French pigs be like "Oinque".. American pigs be like "STOP RESISTING"

What do french people smoke? Oui’d

I use the word 'beaucoup' when speaking with my French friends. It means a lot to them.

Why do French people eat snails? They don’t like fastfood...

French Fries aren't actually fried in France. They're fried in Greece.

The French must be really tough... ...because they eat pain for breakfast

Why do the French like to eat snails? They can't stand fast food.

I saw an ad for a vintage French military rifle today Never fired, dropped once

What does a French man say when he drops an egg on the ground? Oeuf

Did you know that French fries weren't first cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

What do you call a French guy wearing sandals? Philippe Philoppe

Did you hear about the french cheese factory explosion? de Brie everywhere

What does a French baker say when they made a mistake? Oh crepe

Did you know that french fries were actually not made in France? They were made in Greece.

What do French people like to smoke? They smoke oui'd.

How do you turn the Japanese flag into a French flag? Remove the dot.

What do you call a little boy who’s half French and half Scottish? A oui lad

A French man loses his favorite olive oil, and becomes suicidal... I've lost my huile d'olive!

My dyslexic French friend said he owed me some money.... OUI.

The tragedy of Canada The tragedy of Canada is that they had the opportunity to have British culture, French cuisine, and American technology. Instead, they developed British cuisine, American culture, and French technology.

Did you know that the first French fries weren’t fried in France? They were fried in grease.

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Long French Jokes

Why Moses was the one who received the ten Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shalt not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shalt not
steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shalt not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'

There. That should upset just about everybody.... :)

Edit - by popular demand changed a few shalls to shalts.

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.

Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.

Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.

The 2 other spies asked him “How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy!” The Italian replied: “I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.

"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"Won," radioed the American sub.

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?"

"Sure," replies his friend. "But we don't know how the French pray and we can't speak French!"

The first guy thinks for a minute. "I have an idea. We'll pick a guy in front of us, and whatever he does, we'll do."

His friend agrees. They enter the church, sit close to the front, and choose a guy.

Fifteen minutes pass, and their plan is working well.

Thirty minutes, no issues.

By the time forty-five minutes pass, they've gotten used to the routine. Suddenly, while everyone is seated, the priest says something in French and the gentleman they chose stands up. Without thinking, the two Americans stand up as well.

The church bursts into hard laughter.

Realizing that no one else is standing up, the two Americans sit down quickly, before deciding to just leave in embarrassment. They wait for the Mass to end, and then approach the priest, who happened to speak English as part of his vocation.

"We're really well-meaning people- we don't speak French and just chose some guy to imitate while praying," one says.

The priest chuckles. "Ah. You're probably wondering why everyone laughed at you."

"Yes," replied the other American.

"Well, you see, I announced the Baptism of a child... and asked for the father of the child to stand up."

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink...

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.

She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered, "THE TEETH!"

It's the time of the French Revolution and they're doing their usual daily beheadings..

Today they're leading a priest, a prostitute and an engineer up to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Being devoutly religious, they Take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the prostitute comes to the guillotine. She also decides to die face up hoping that she will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from her neck. So they release the prostitute as well.

The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They raise the blade of the guillotine and suddenly the engineer cries out: "Hey, I see what your problem is!"

A British man, a French man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scared. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain.

The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy.

While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?"

The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy."

The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?"

The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."

The 3 Spies

There are 3 Spies that get captured. One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair as well and torture him for 4 hours before he tells them what they want to know. They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing. 4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell. The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk. The Italian spy responds, " I wanted to!, but I couldn't move my hands!".

EDIT:
Glad everyone likes this joke. I want to give credit to a great friend of mine named Ron who told it to me.

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.”

The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”

The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”

The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”

“Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier.

“What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli.

So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?”

“What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?”

A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.

Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

The English spy fared the same. After being tied and tortured for 20 minutes, he gave in and gave up all his information.

But when they tried the same with the Italian, he refused to give up anything and stayed tied to the chair for 3 hours until the Russians gave up and threw him back in the cell.

"How did you do that!" The other two were amazed at his endurance. "I wanted to give up all my information," replied the Italian. "But they tied my hands, so I couldn't talk."

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Iraq and brought to the terrorists' camp.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.”

The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”

The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”

The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”

“Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier.

“What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli.

So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind.
The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?”

“What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?”

Three wives

Three women are chatting, a French, an American and a Russian.

The French says: "After we got married, I told my husband right away that I was not going to cook, do dishes and laundry or clean the house. He disappeared, I didn't see him for a day, two, three, then he came back with a housemaid. Now she does all that, and I just sit and relax all day long."

The American says: "Well, after we got married, I told my husband the same. Didn't see him for a day, two, three, then he came back with some big appliance. Now it does all that automatically, and I just sit and relax all day long."

The Russian says: "After we got married, I told my husband that I wouldn't do all that either. I didn't see him for a day, two, three. On the fourth day I was finally able to see something with my right eye."

A French, German and an Italian spy are captured.

Their captors come into the cell where the spies are being held, grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair.

They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.

4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell.

The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk.

The Italian spy says, " I wanted to, but I couldn't move my hands!"

There are 3 Spies that get captured.

One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian.
Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room.
They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.
The captors throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair as well and torture him for 4 hours before he tells them what they want to know.
They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.
4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell.
The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk. The Italian spy responds, " I wanted to!, but I couldn't move my hands!".

Two American tourists were backpacking in Europe

..when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest diner?”

The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.”

The driver tried again in French and again was met with blank stares and shakes of the head from the two tourists.

Getting frustrated, he tried again in Italian, in Spanish, each time receiving nothing but sheepish smiles from the two of them. Finally, he cursed under his breath and drove away angrily.

The first American asked his partner:” Maybe we should learn a second language.” His partner shrugged and replied:” Why? That dude knew four languages and it didn’t help him.”

A man walks into a bar in Vegas.

He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you five to one this here bird can speak Spanish."

The bartender knows this type, and slams his hand down on the counter with a $10 bill. "You're on! Let's see it."

So the man turned to the bird and asks, "Hablas Espanol?"

The bird is silent as a stone.

"Well, watch this, then, he can speak French too. Parlez-vous Francais?"

The parrot remains silent. The man is sweating through his jacket, and the bartender is chuckling derisively. "Hand over the 50, sir, and have a nice night."

As he walks dejectedly out of the bar, the man turns to the parrot. "You jerk!", he cries. "You cost me fifty bucks!"

The parrot, taken aback, ruffles his feathers arrogantly. "Cost you? Buddy, I just made you a fortune! Think of the odds you can get there tomorrow!"

A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?" The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears.

Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't...

But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before da horse!

A blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy in the train...

Four people are sitting in the passenger car of a train. A hot blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy. The train goes into a tunnel, there's total darkness for a brief moment, and all you can hear is a loud slap. As the train is leaving the tunnel, sunlight lights the scene up, and a confused french is holding his burning red cheek and looking around.
The nun is thinking to herself "This scumbag probably tried to touch the blonde and she slapped him."
The blonde is thinking "That scumbag was probably trying to touch me, touched the nun by accident and she slapped him."
The french guy is thinking "I bet the brit was trying to touch one of them, they thought it was me and slapped me!"
The brit is thinking "Next tunnel, I'm gonna slap him even harder."

A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer are taken to the guillotine...

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..."

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The ISIS commander told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.”

The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”

The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”

The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”

“Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier.

“What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli.

So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the commander dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his rucksack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?”

“What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?”

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