Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction, and name it ElonGate.
Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"
I immediately burst into tears.
12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose. Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.
Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team up and make a medicine to cure erectile dysfunction And name it "Elon-Gate"
If I ever go to prison, I’m gonna change my name to mitochondria... I want everyone to know I’m the powerhouse of the cell.
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him... ...with my bear hands...
You meet a man on the Oregon trail... You meet a man on the Oregon trail that tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him that Terry is a girls' name. Without hesitation Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin Terry.
I didn't take my husband's name when I got married. I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith
Today, when my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears... 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...
Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news
Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.
My girlfriend asked me to name...
My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.
I probably should've stopped when I got to her.
Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:
1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10
Edit: I think I may be missing a version, but looking through the comments it seems no one else knows what it is either. I'll have to google it.
Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic." The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."
I told my buddy that Jewish people call god by a different name
He was like, "No way!"
I was like, "Yahweh"
At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?" He looked surprised and said, "No, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
My kids were hungry so I made them burgers from scratch.
They got really upset and started to cry.
Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway..
I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse". Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.
My friend’s girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks. Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.
I asked my grandpa..
I asked my grandpa: “After 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What’s the secret?”
Grandpa: “I forgot her name 5 years ago and I’m scared to ask her.”
My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again
"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
Playing Oregon Trail. You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him, “That’s a girl’s name!” Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin’ Terry.
Everyone is a fan of Stephen Hawking now that he died. I bet they can't name even 3 of his songs.
I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home. I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.
My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him. So I suggested Kaye and Elle.
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits. Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.
"Father, why is my name 'Rose'?
"Because just after you were born, a rose petal landed on your head when we were leaving the hospital."
"Is that also why my sister's name is 'Daisy'?"
"Yes it is."
The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying. And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.
When you take a pen name ....
... that's a nom de plume.
When you take a name for war, that's a nom de guerre.
When you take a name for an eating contest, that's a nom de om nom nom.
I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy. She still regrets letting me name the kids.
At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?" He looked surprised and said, "Nein, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
I think my neighbor might be stalking me. She's googled my name a few times, I saw it through my telescope last night
Today my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst out laughing, 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman. He even used the name when he had a little grill.
Buck was selling his car and and girl name Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3000 and a blow job?” He said that sounds great . . . He was happy he got the Kelly Blew Buck price.
My friend asked me if I could name two different structures that hold water. I said, "Well, dam..."
“Well, unfortunately, I’ve got good news and I've got bad news.” “Gimme the good news first, Doc.” “They’re going to name a disease after you.”
Teacher : “Alright who can name a flammable material?”
Jewish Kid : “ME! ME! ME!”
Teacher : “Okay what else?”
Doctor: "Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright."
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike."
Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
In pharmacology all drugs have a generic name. Tylenol is acetaminophen, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.
My Son, Luke, Loves How I Name My Kids After Star Wars Characters My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I grinned and said, "Yes, Steve!" She gushed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!" "Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"
Naming the new royal baby
Rumours were that Harry and Meghan we going to name the child “Seatbelt”
When questioned about this, Prince Harry responded with “Its what my mum would have wanted”
Dad joke: So I saw this dude walking around with a long pole. I asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter"? He said "Nein, I am ze German... but tell me, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"/
As a spectator at the last Summer Olympics, I saw a guy walking around carrying a 10 foot long stick...
"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.
"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
"Dad, why is my sister's name Esor?"
"Because your mother loves roses, her name is rose backwards."
"No problem Lana."
Judge going through the file of an accused
Judge: So what's your Name?
Accused: Mr. Fallchurges, your Honor. First name is Freo.
Judge: So you're Freo Fallchurges.
Accused: *standing up* Thank you, Your Honor.
Attorney: Heck, we almost got him this time
If your workplace requires password changes every 90 days just set it to the name of the current Australian Prime minister and you should be fine.
A man walks up to a woman at a nude beach...
A man walks up to a woman at a nude beach.
"Hi, my name is Ed." he says.
"What's it short for?" she asks.
Thoughtful, he looks down a moment, before answering,
"I dunno, it's always been like that."
Fu, Bu and Chu are three Chinese men.
One day, they decided to move to the USA.
They also decided to change their names, as to not be discriminated against.
Chu changed his name to Chuck.
Bu changed his name to Buck.
And Fu decided to go back to China.