Alabama Jokes

Contents

Funniest Alabama Jokes

Funny Alabama Jokes

I don't understand time zones! How is it possible that in Europe it is today.
In Australia it is tomorrow.
And in Alabama it is 1890?

Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race. He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34 They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools

A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from Boston got into a fight, who won? 5th grader from Alabama, because he's 18 yrs old

Alabama has decided to force women to carry babies conceived by rape and incest, to term. Because if they didn't, the state's population would die out pretty quickly.

You can tell the toothbrush was invented in Alabama if it was invented anywhere else, it would've been called the teeth brush.

What did the Alabama Sheriff call the black man with 20 bullet holes in his back? The worst case of suicide he's ever seen.

Why are Alabama weddings so small? Because you only need to invite one family.

Why are Alabama weddings so small? They've only gotta invite one family

My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident. He really loved that woman.

A girl from Alabama asked me if I found her attractive. I said, "You've got a face only a brother could love."

What does the average Alabama football player get on his SATs? Drool

What do you call an Alabama girl who can run faster than her brothers? A virgin.

What's Alabama like? My new company owner is from there. Seems friendly, he said he's going to treat us employees like we was family?

What's something that everyone in Alabama has in common? DNA

What's an Alabama girls favorite game? Smash Bros!

I sure hope Roy Moore wins today Alabama needs a congressman who isn't afraid to get his hands on the issues before they get too big.

Alabama is so progressive that the women don't even change their last names when they get married

I heard Alabama changed the drinking age to 32. They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What is 20ft long and has 5 teeth? The funnel cake line at the Alabama state fair

What did the Alabama sherriff say about the black guy with 17 bullet holes in his back? He said it was the worse case of suicide he’s ever seen

How can ya tell a girl in Alabama is still a virgin ? ​

She can out run her brother.

Stop it with the Alabama and abortions jokes. I incest that you do

What do they do in Alabama when their car breaks down? Build a house next to it.

Why we don't do reverse cowgirl in Alabama. Down here in Alabama we don't ever do "Reverse Cowgirl". Because we never turn our back on family!

I’m surprised the University of Alabama doesn’t offer a major in archaeology. I heard they are really into relative dating out there.

What is 20 feet long and has 5 teeth? The funnel cake line at the Alabama state fair.

Why is Alabama the worlds biggest sandwich? Because the whole state is inbred

What do people from Alabama have in common with yeast? They're both in bread

Why do University of Alabama graduates place their diplomas on their rear-view mirrors? So they can park in handicap spots.

What did the Alabama cop say about the black man shot 16 times? Worst case of suicide I've ever seen.

Black Guy shot 15 times by the Alabama Police Worst case of suicide they had ever seen.

I asked my 32 year old friend from Alabama why he's still a virgin. He said "I was an only child"

I recently found out that wheat in Alabama is actually in-bread

Yesterday my crush told me that “I was like a brother to her” I was sad at first then I remember She was from Alabama

Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Election It's almost as if he doesn't understand that no means no!

Why doesn't Alabama have calculus teachers. They don't like integration.

Solving a crime in Alabama must be so hard Everyone has the same damn DNA

If humans were categorized like dogs, people from Alabama would be... The pure breds

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New Alabama Jokes

How do they determine the homecoming queen and valedictorian in Alabama high schools? The homecoming queen is the girl with the most teeth, and the valedictorian is the person who could count them all.

What do you call an Alabama family in a sandwich? Inbred

what do you call a baker from Alabama ? inbread

The toothbrush was invented in Alabama If it were invented anywhere else they would have called it a teethbrush.

There is a new app for Alabama residents. It’s called “Only Fams”.

The Alabama paternity test. None of the kids are yours...

But all of the grandkids are...

Alabama family reunions It has been reported that COVID-19 has greatly reduced family reunions due to social distancing requirements. Evidently this has caused a significant decrease in Alabama teen pregnancy.

One benefit of everyone staying at home is that teenage pregnancy is down .

​

​

except in Alabama

Why did the Alabama family pay for their daughter’s butt implants? It was a decision they could all get behind

Only in Alabama When your girlfriend insists on coming to your family reunion because she is afraid you'll cheat.

Two 5th graders got into a fight. One was from Alabama and one was a transfer student from NY. Who won?

The 5th grader from Alabama, because he is 18 years old.

Why do Alabama marriages never end up in a divorce? Because no matter what happens, they forgive their sibling.

Court declares social distancing rules unenforceable in Alabama The Judge wrote in his opinion that "the entire state's population can be reasonably considered a family unit."

What's 30 feet long and has 4 teeth? The cashier line at an Alabama Walmart

What did former Alabama Senator Roy Moore say about coronavirus? It's called COVID-19, means I ain't gettin' it.

A young Alabama couple enjoyed an early morning meal after making love... It was breakfast inbred.

Scientists find a man immune to Covid-19 because of a genetic mutation They conclude that 1/2 of the population in Alabama are immune to Covid-19.

Where does everyone in Alabama play games on their phone? Mobile.

We are family by Sister Sledge... Is the number one played song in Alabama strip clubs

What do you call a girl from Alabama that can run faster than her brothers? A virgin

A man from Alabama opened his fridge... He looked around inside, closed the fridge and yelled to his wife:

"Honey! We're out of bread!"

The wife came into the room with a new loaf.

"Don't worry," she said. "We're in bread."

An Alabama man kills his wife, sister, mother, niece, daughter, and aunt. How many people die?

A kid from Alabama had to do a project on his family tree He brought a ladder to school the next day

What the similarity between Alabama and Alabama babies? There both not fully developed

My friend had a date with a guy from Alabama yesterday. He told her it wouldn't work out, he is not a family type.

Why couldn't the detective solve the Alabama murder case despite having the dna samples It matched with everyone

What is the most popular dad joke in Alabama Hi cumming, im dad

Why do southerners hate Alabama jokes They find them very. . . Relatable

They don’t do reverse cowgirl in Alabama They never turn there back on family

Family tree in Alabama Family trees do not exist in Alabama.




















































































**ONLY CIRCLES**

What do butter and Alabama kids have in common? They’re both inbred

FYI: Toothbrush was invented in Alabama If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called Teethbtush.

Time zones are weird - Australia is in 2020. America is in 2019.. Des Moines is in 1998, Alabama in 1865, Saudi Arabia 1576.

What do people in Alabama do on Halloween? Pump kin.

...a neutron walks into a bar. **Neutron:** ...I'll have an Alabama Slammer!

**Bartender:** ...no charge!

A man in Alabama was arrested for murdering his wife, Sister and Cousin He was charged with one count of murder

When does the moon shine the brightest? When the tides in Alabama are still.

Why did the Alabama strip club close? They lost too much money from the family discount.

What do people in Alabama call their sisters? Wide receivers

Why cant girls from Alabama do reverse cowgirl? Cause you never turn your back on family

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Long Alabama Jokes

Alabama vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife did not want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (big firework), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So the couple drove across the state border into Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.

The doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and coun t to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count '1, 2, 3, 4, 5...' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Alabama Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

A man walks into a bar.

A man walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan.
The bartender looks at the man and says,
"You're not from 'round here are ya?"
"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire."
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"
"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor...

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness
from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway
train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she
spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Pastor in the KKK

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Redneck birth control

A man and a woman from Alabama don't want any more children because they already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in Ohio.

The doctor asks, "What state are you from?

The man says "Alabama." The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb in an empty soda can, hold it in his hand, and count to 10.

The husband isn't so sure of this, so he goes to another doctor, this time in California.

When that doctor finds out that the husband is from Alabama, he tells him the exact same thing that the doctor in Ohio told him.

The husband figures that the doctors must be right.

So he goes home, puts a lit cherry bomb in a soda can, and starts to count. ''1...2...3...4...5...'' The husband takes the soda can and puts it between his legs to continue counting on his fingers on his right hand. ''6...7...8...9...''

KKK Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough because they couldn't afford a bigger bed. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin-wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it would cost $1,000.

Not being able to afford the procedure, the doctor recommended he go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me - I don’t want to go deaf!” To which the doctor replies, "Trust me."

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count on his fingers, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5...”, at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand, “6, 7...

Taxidermist walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?"

"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"

"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"

Dad told me this one...

Rastas and Eliza were a married couple living in Alabama in the early 1970's. They'd been trying for a baby for over a year when they decided they better go and see the doctor.
Eliza went first and she came back about an hour later.
"How'd it go?"
"The doctor said I was fine, it must be you. You gotta go in tomorrow for some tests".
Next day Rastas went to the doctor, but he didn't come back until 3 hours later. And when he did, he was in a brand new suit.
"Rastas! Where've you been? I've been worried sick! And why are you in a brand suit?"
"Well Eliza the doctor said I was impotent, so I is gonna dress impotent!"

A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama

A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan.

The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from'round here are ya?"

"No" replies the, "I'm from New Hampshire."

The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"

"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered,
so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"

The Hillbilly Vasectomy

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, but they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can(COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Parts of Georgia, Missouri , West Virginia , AND All of Washington DC.

A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan...

The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?"

"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"

"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"

There was once a poetry competition...

and it was down to the final two contestants. The first was an English Lit professor from Harvard while the second was a country boy from the back woods of Alabama who had somehow made it that far.

For the finals the moderator says "Gentleman, I will now ask each of you to create a poem using the word 'Timbuctu.' Good luck and may the best man win. Harvard, you may go first."

The professor takes the stage, stands there for a second, clears his throat and says -

"Across the burning desert sands, winds a lonely caravan.
Camels traveling two by two, destination Timbuctu"

The audience is thoroughly impressed and considers the competition practically over, but Alabama still gets his shot.

He slowly takes the stage and scratches his head for a minute before beginning-

"A camping me and Tim we went,
Met three girls in a pop-up tent,
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two"

The Blonde in Church

An Alabama preacher
said to his congregation, 'Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong
to the Ku Klux Klan.

'This is a
horrible lie and one which a Christian
community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed
and do not intend to accept this.

Now, I want the
party who did this to stand and ask
forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'

No one moved.

The preacher
continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me
and admit this is a falsehood?

Remember, you will
be forgiven and in your heart you will feel
glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.'

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a
drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that
would stop traffic... rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed
and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend
there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you
were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply
told a couple of my friends that you were a
wizard under the sheets.'

The preacher fell
to his knees, his wife fainted, and the
Congregation roared.

New Alabama Preacher

The new Alabama preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty. One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately. He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"

No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I just stopped by to have a prayer with you." She invited him right in.

He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.

Eventually, he came to the house at the end of the street. It turned out to be the residence of a young widow. When the Reverend knocked on her door, the young widow was taking a shower. Hearing the knock, she just wrapped a towel around herself, ran to the door and threw it open.

When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor putting all her wonderful young and luscious curves on display. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"

The preacher just smiled and said, "Hello, Darlin."

Alabama Wedding

Deep in the heart of Alabama, a son arrives to his father's house with exciting news.

"Paw, I met the best girl in the world, and we're about to get married!"

The father seems excited, and urges his son to describe her.

"Well, she's quick as a whip, funny as a bone, most gorgeous girl south of dixie," and after every description, the father hollers his approval.

"And best of all... she's a virgin!"

At the last statement, the father's excitement disappears. The son looks confused, and asks him what's the matter. The father shouts back,

"If she ain't good enough for her family, what makes you think she's good enough for ours?"

Alabama boy goes to Boston for an interview

He had gone to the University of Alabama on a football scholarship and maybe took a few too many hits to the helmet.

He stopped in a coffee shop before heading to the interview and saw a pretty girl sitting at a table with a few college books. He got his drink and approached her.

In a thick Southern drawl he asked, "Where do you go to school at?"

Wanting to get rid of him as as possible, she simply replied, "Yale."

He took a deep breath, rolled his eyes a bit, and hollered, "WHERE DO YOU GO TO SCHOOL AT?"

One day in the great state of Alabama...

...a man walks outside and hears this strange noise coming from one of his trees. He proceeds to walk over to his tree and looks up in the tree to find the source of this noise. What he finds is a large gorilla moving around in the top of his tree trying to get comfortable.

The man stops and thinks to himself, "How on earth am i going to get this gorilla out of my tree? There aren’t any gorilla catchers in Alabama are there?"

The man walks inside his house and gets his phone book and is looking in the animal control section and low and behold there actually is a gorilla catcher listed, so the man picks up the phone and calls the number. He reaches the gorilla catcher who says that he’ll be there in ten minutes.

The gorilla catcher shows up in a big truck with a tool box in the back and a very large dog sitting on top of the tool box and a very large cage sitting in back of the tool box.

The gorilla catcher gets out of his truck and walks up to the man and shakes hands with him. The man then shows the gorilla catcher the tree and points up at the gorilla. After looking at the gorilla for a minute, the gorilla catcher walks back over to his truck and gets old Clyde off the tool box and gets out a gun and walks back over to the tree and sits the gun down next to old Clyde.

The gorilla catcher looks over at the man and says, "Here’s the plan. I’m gonna climb this here tree and knock the gorilla out. When the gorilla hits the ground old Clyde here’s gonna bite him in the nuts and hold on ’til I can get out of the tree and put the gorilla in the cage. Any questions?"

The man can’t think of any so the gorilla catcher starts making his way up the tree. When the catcher gets almost halfway up the tree the man notices the shotgun next to old Clyde. He quickly calls up to the gorilla catcher and says, "Hey, what’s the gun for?"

The gorilla catcher replies, "OH, that’s in case the gorilla knocks me out of the tree, I want you to shoot old Clyde before I hit the ground."

Two Alabama hunters are out in the woods.....

when one of them falls to the ground. He seem to be breathing, but then his eyes roll back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend, is I think he's dead!! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy.! I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence ...

Then **BANG, BANG** The guy's voice comes back "OK, now what?"

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