Cop Jokes


Funniest Cop Jokes

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

Score: 26303

A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

Score: 13723

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because of the-

Car driving by: HONK

Me: Because if the-

2nd car driving by: HONK



Me: Because of the-

3rd car driving by:HOOONK

Me: Because of the “Honk if you think cops have micropenises’’ bumper sticker?

Score: 12226

[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated. Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.

Score: 11429

Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where's my present?!

Score: 9530
Funny Cop Jokes
Score: 7762

A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You are the lawyer!" The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present

Score: 3371

A cop stopped a guy for speeding... He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.

He said, "There is no traffic."

And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

Score: 2615

As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people... But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

Score: 1862

I got pulled over by a female cop... When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said


Score: 1737

If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals.. Left and right

Score: 1680

Cop pulls over bad driver Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?

Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af

Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car

Score: 1562

The other day I got pulled over by a cop. When he walked up, I pulled out my 9mm... Once he stopped laughing, he wrote me up for indecent exposure...

Score: 1309

A man gets pulled over by a female cop. He asks "what seems to be the problem, officer?", and the cop responds, "oh, nothing."

EDIT: Weee, this is my first time on the front page.

Score: 1124

The other day I got pulled over, and when the cop walked up I pulled out my 9mm Once he stopped laughing he wrote me up for indecent exposure

Score: 1034

Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives. A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:

cop: name?

Otto: Otto

cop: address?

Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin

cop: Occupation?

Otto: no, just visiting...

Score: 914

A cop is confronted by a white guy with a gun and a black guy with a nerf bat. Who does he shoot first? The bystander with the camera.

Score: 826

I saw a cop pull over a U Haul today... Looks like he was trying to bust a move.

Score: 679

Two guys get pulled over... Two guys in a car get pulled over. The cop walks up to the window and says "We're looking for 2 pedophiles". The car window goes up then after a few seconds comes back down.
The driver gives a sigh. "Alright, we'll do it"

Score: 597

Me: It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, what matters is how many times you get back up” Cop: “Sir, that’s not how a sobriety test works.”

Score: 443

Cop : Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do? Miner : Mine

Score: 426

*cop pulls over a driver* Cop: Who's car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
Miner: Mine.

Score: 367

I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.

Score: 366

Drunk driving or...? A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night:

-Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?

-I've had 8 drinks, officer.

-That's no excuse to let your wife drive...

Score: 364

A cop pulls over a miner and asks "Sir, whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do as a profession?"

And the miner replies "Mine."

Score: 356

Me, to the cop: You can’t arrest me. I have a marathon to run today! Cop: Stop playing the race card!

Score: 347

Cop: do you know why i pulled you over? Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy

Cop: there's a man in your trunk

Me: yea a 𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙝 man

Score: 305

A cop just knocked on my door and said that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes...

Score: 258

So a cop knocked on my door this morning. He asked, 'sir we believe your dog has been chasing a boy up the road on his bike.'

I replied, 'sorry officer, you must have the wrong house. My dog doesn't own a bike.'

Score: 241

Why is a cop like a box of chocolates? They'll kill your dog.

Score: 194

A cop just knocked on my front door. He told me my dog was chasing someone on a bike.

Told the cop it wasn't my dog, he doesnt even own a bike.

Score: 164

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?" "Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

Score: 148

I was flirting with this teenager on the internet... ...after a while, she tells me she's an undercover cop.

How cool is that for someone her age?

Score: 145

What does a South Carolina cop do when a panda runs away from him? Shoots him 8 times in the black.

Score: 88

Today, I got pulled over by a female cop. I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong.

She said "NOTHING!"

Score: 77

A man was pulled over by a police officer for speeding The police officer asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the man replied.
The cop said, "There is no traffic."
The man replied, "That's how far behind I am."

Score: 65

When a cop stopped someone for speeding... Cop - "Sir, Do you know how fast you were just going?"
Man - "I was just trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.
Cop - "There is no traffic."
And the man answered, "That's how far behind I am."

Score: 61

A blonde gets pulled over for speeding. Cop: "You were speeding, can I see your license?"

Blonde: "Of course not!"

Cop: "Why is that?"

Blonde: "You just took it away from me yesterday, and now you expect me to show it to you!"

Score: 56

This girl I've been sexting told me she's an undercover cop That's impressive for an 11 year old.

Score: 54

A cop pulled me over..... and said I was doing 70 in a 50 mph zone. I explained I was only trying to keep a safe distance from the car behind.

Score: 48

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New Cop Jokes

What do a bar full of Germans shout as a response to a cop from a famous TV show? #Nein Nein!

Score: 4

What do you do to stay cool when it’s 100 degrees in NYC? Dress as a cop.

Score: 4

I went to Florida yesterday and a cop asked me if I have a criminal record. I said no, Is that still required?

Score: 10

My grandfather was a cop. He was dying because he needed blood for blood tranfusion. Everytime we would ask "Anything you need?", he would say "Oh, Negative".

Score: 3

What’s the difference between a panda and a cop in an ethnic restaurant? A panda eats chutes and leaves. The cop eats, shoots and leaves.

Score: 9

Cop pulls over an 80 year old woman A cop pulls over an 80 year old woman for speeding and says "Hi there, why are you driving so fast?"
Woman says "Come on sir, let me go while I still know where I'm going"

Score: 5

What did a laid-back Italian cop say to a speeding driver? That's a fine.

Score: 11

I got pulled over doing 69 in a 55 last night. I'm pretty sure I was speeding too, but the cop just kept focusing on the legs around my head being unsafe.

Score: 11

"Son, do you know why I pulled you over?" - Cop with Alzheimer's trying to play it cool.

Score: 12

Charlie Sheen and Mike Tyson are in a car. Who's driving? The cop.

Score: 7

Why was the cop asleep? Because he was undercover.

Score: 7

Stuck Behind Traffic A cop pulls a car over for driving too fast. He walks up to the car,

Cop: You were going to fast.

Driver: I was just trying to keep up with traffic.

Cop: There isn't any.

Driver: I know! That's how far behind I am!

Score: 13

What do you call a police officer that is in bed? An undercover cop.

Score: 4

What's the difference between a cop and a criminal? It's legal to defend yourself when a criminal robs you.

Score: 21

Did you hear about the doctor who became a cop? He made sure everyone got their shots.

Score: 8

German physicist Werner Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding. The cop asked, do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg responds, no but I know exactly where I am.

Score: 46

I was in LA recently and got pulled over by an Indian cop They are outsourcing everything.

He asked me, " why do you think I pulled you over"?

I said, " I don't know, because I missed my last credit payment?"

Credit Sam Tripoli

Score: 4

A cop once told me to take a nap... I wasn't tired, so I got jailed for resisting a rest.

Score: 30

My buddy just became an Air Marshal. He's a plane clothes cop.

Score: 5

Cop walks up to my window and asks, "Mr. Johnson, have you been drinking"? I said, "Why, is there a fat girl in my back seat?"

Score: 7

Nintendo is looking into trying the police force. There Nintendo cop cars go "Wii U Wii U Wii U"

Score: 9

I got pulled over by the Grammar Police. The cop was pretty passive about the sentence he handed me.

Score: 26

Kids grow up so quick these days... Like just the other day, I was online talking to a 15 year old and she was an undercover cop!

Score: 4

I just got pulled over for speeding and the cop asked me to identify myself. I sat up straight and looked in the mirror and said... "Yes. That's me."

Score: 7

An American guy was pulled over on a highway in Canada... The cop said "Do you know how fast you were going?!"

The American guy said "I'm not sure why you're even pulling me over, but yes, I was doing 110 - just like the speed limit sign says."

Score: 3

A cop pulls over Sleepy Hollow on Halloween night. "Why were you going so fast? Can't you see all of this traffic in front of you? A lot of trick-or-treaters are out tonight."

"Sorry officer, I was just trying to get ahead."

Score: 3

What penalty did the guy who said "oink oink" to a cop get? He got 6 months for impersonating a policeofficer

Score: 4

Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn't think so.

Score: 6

I saw a sign... It said "Slow." I thought "What did you just call me!?" Then I saw a Stop sign and thought "If you think you can tell me what to do right after an insult, you have grossly overestimated your power!"

Then I got T-Boned by a Cop car.

Score: 6

Cop: Pull over! No its a cardigan but thanks for noticing.

Score: 7

There was a mexican and a black person in a car. Who is driving? A cop.

Score: 9

Pulled over by the Five-O A cop pulled me over the other day. Apparently I was speeding. He said: "Papers."

I said: "Scissors, I win!" and drove away.

Score: 13

Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he's trying to bust a move.

Score: 43

A cop pulled me over the other day. Cop: Papers.

Me: Scissors! I win!

Then I drove away

Score: 3

A rookie cop is sent to monitor a speed trap for hours... Finally near the end of his shift a car blows by at 80 mph. He pulls over a teenager and tells him, "I waited all day for you to get here."

The teenager replies: "I got here as fast as I could."

Score: 4

Why did the riot cop leave for work early? Because he had to beat the crowds.

Score: 28

Last night I met a woman with two jobs. Her night job was prostitution. Her day job was undercover cop.

Score: 4

What do you call a cop who won't get out of bed? Undercover

Score: 3

An epileptic cop brakes up a drug ring in an underground night club. It was a search and seizure.

Score: 9

I feel like I only meet people now using hookup apps the last time I met a guy in real life
I was out drinking

He told me he was a cop

I found that out when he pulled me over

Score: 6

If you ask a cop what their favorite movie is they have to tell you. Otherwise it's Entrapment (1999).

Edit: credit for this joke goes to /u/FurbyFubar, and /u/AllDaveAllDay for believing in me

Score: 10

Cop: Your eyes look red. Have you been smoking pot? Me: Your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating donuts?

Score: 3

What do you call a sleeping policeman? An undercover cop.

Score: 3

Two blonds are doing 180mph on a highway. A cop pulls them over, gets out, and as he walks towards the blondes's car he drops his pants. One blonde says to the other: "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test."

Score: 6

A cop approaches a miner (x-posted from /r/me_irl) COP: "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?"

MINER: "Mine"

Score: 3

A guy is pulled over at 2:00 a.m. for driving 93 MPH.... Cop - hey buddy, where are you rushing at this late hour?

Guy - to a lecture.

Cop - a lecture?!?!? Who gives lectures at 2:00 a.m???

Guy - **my wife!**

Score: 4

Why was the police man in bed? He was an undercover cop

Score: 47

A man gets pulled over for speeding and evading the police. The officer asks him why he didn't stop. "Well," says the man, "my wife ran off with a cop last week and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back!"

Score: 26

A cop pulled me over and I flashed him my 9mm. You could imagine he didn't take me very seriously after that and brought me up on public exposure charges. Guess he wasn't DTF.

Score: 16

I poured a bag of yellow vegetables over a dead policeman. Corn on the cop.

Score: 4

A cop threatened to detain me for impersonating a police officer Apparently, "you can't arrest me, I'm a police officer!" wasn't a very good answer.

Score: 20

A guy shoots a random man on the street. Cop: "Did you kill this man?"
Guy: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."

Score: 21

I met this 14 year old online, and she told me she is an undercover cop... How COOL is that for someone her age?

Score: 4

A cop stops a speeding guy... - Do you know how fast you were going?
- I was just trying to keep up with traffic!
- There is no traffic...
- Yeah, THAT'S how far behind I am.

Score: 11

A cop pulls an illegal immigrant over near the US-Mexico border and asks "Papers?" The immigrant responds "Scissors" and drives away

Score: 28

A cop pulls over a guy for suspected DUI "How high are you?" the cop says.

"No, officer, it's 'Hi, how are you,'" says the guy.

Score: 4

When people ask why I have a "Trump 2016" sticker on my car I say it's for safety. When i'm pulled over, it's the quickest way to tell the Cop i'm white.

Score: 36

What do you call a cop standing on dog poo? Officer on doody.

Score: 19

What did the cop say to the old man peeing in public? Urine trouble

Score: 14

So a cop pulled me over one day for speeding... he asked: "excuse me sir, but do you know how long i've been waiting for you?"
i said:" i know, i'm sorry but i tried to get here as fast as i could."

Score: 6

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