Cop Jokes

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Funniest Cop Jokes

A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated. Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.

Funny Cop Jokes

A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You are the lawyer!" The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present

A cop stopped a guy for speeding... He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.

He said, "There is no traffic."

And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals.. Left and right

Cop pulls over bad driver Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?


Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af


Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car

A man gets pulled over by a female cop. He asks "what seems to be the problem, officer?", and the cop responds, "oh, nothing."

EDIT: Weee, this is my first time on the front page.

The other day I got pulled over, and when the cop walked up I pulled out my 9mm Once he stopped laughing he wrote me up for indecent exposure

Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives. A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:

cop: name?

Otto: Otto

cop: address?

Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin

cop: Occupation?

Otto: no, just visiting...

A cop is confronted by a white guy with a gun and a black guy with a nerf bat. Who does he shoot first? The bystander with the camera.

I saw a cop pull over a U Haul today... Looks like he was trying to bust a move.

Cop : Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do? Miner : Mine

Drunk driving or...? A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night:

-Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?

-I've had 8 drinks, officer.

-That's no excuse to let your wife drive...

A cop pulls over a miner and asks "Sir, whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do as a profession?"

And the miner replies "Mine."

A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway and asks, "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?" On which the miner replies, "mine".

A cop just knocked on my door and said that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes...

So a cop knocked on my door this morning. He asked, 'sir we believe your dog has been chasing a boy up the road on his bike.'

I replied, 'sorry officer, you must have the wrong house. My dog doesn't own a bike.'

Why is a cop like a box of chocolates? They'll kill your dog.

A cop just knocked on my front door. He told me my dog was chasing someone on a bike.

Told the cop it wasn't my dog, he doesnt even own a bike.

A cop pulled over a spanish photon... The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The photon said, "c."

A traffic cop went out of his way to leave a note under my cars wipers to let me know I had positioned my car correctly It said "parking fine". So that was nice

A cop pulled me over for my dark window tint. I didn't understand why my glass being dark was such a big deal until he removed the tint.

Then it was clear to me.

A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly. It said 'parking fine' so that was nice.

So I was doing donuts in my car.. And a cop pulls me over. Now I know what you're thinking, who names their dog Donuts?

A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!” “You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

What is your name? “What’s your name?” the cop asked when he pulled me over.

“Steve,” I said.

“And your last name?” he asked.

“It’s always been Steve,” I said.

Two priests in a car... ... as a cop pulls them over.
"Sir, we are looking for two child molesters..."
The priests look at each other and after a short moment the driver says:
"Okay, we'll do it"

What does a cop and a dj have in common They both tell drunk people to put their hands up

I painted my computer black so it would run faster... but a cop shot it.

What does a South Carolina cop do when a panda runs away from him? Shoots him 8 times in the black.

Someone has been stealing tires off of cop cars Police have been working tirelessly to find the culprit

A cop pulled me over and said, “Papers?” I said, “scissors, I win,” and drove off.

He must have wanted a rematch because he has been chasing me for 45 minutes.

Drunk lecture A cop stops a drunk late at night and asks where he's going. " I'm going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body." Slurs the drunk. " Really? who's giving that lecture at one in the morning?" " My wife."

I got pulled over by a cop with alzheimer’s. He said, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

A man was pulled over by a police officer for speeding The police officer asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the man replied.
The cop said, "There is no traffic."
The man replied, "That's how far behind I am."

A cop parks at the bottom of a bridge, waiting for a speeder. He pulls a man over for doing 40 over the speed limit, and says, "Son, I've been waiting for you all day." The man quickly responds, "Well, I got here as fast as I could!"

When a cop stopped someone for speeding... Cop - "Sir, Do you know how fast you were just going?"
Man - "I was just trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.
Cop - "There is no traffic."
And the man answered, "That's how far behind I am."

A cop stopped a guy for speeding... He said, "I have been waiting all day for someone like you."

And the guy answered, "That's why I wanted to be here as fast as possible !"

What did the Alabama cop say about the black man shot 16 times? Worst case of suicide I've ever seen.

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New Cop Jokes

A British Cop and an American Cop are talking in a bar The British cop says "they might take away our tasers because they sometimes kill people"

The American Cop says "sometimes? seems inneficient"

Did you hear about the Cop who arrested an innocent Iceberg because he thought it looked like the one that sunk the Titanic? He was fired for Glacial Profiling.

How did the cop kill the KKK member? By suicide

Why did the cop get up early in the morning? To beat the crowd.

A neutron was pulled over by a cop There were no charges

The cop and the priests A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

What's the difference between a cop and a pizza guy? The pizza guy faces consequences when his job is done wrong.

People say 60 is the new 40 The cop who pulled me over didn't agree with that point of view

A cop pulls over a car with 2 priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

What’s the similarity between a cop and a Rastafarian? They’re both good at planting weed.

A cop pulls over a car with two priestS. The cop goes over to the car and says “We’re looking for two child molesters.” The priests look at each other for a moment and reply, “We’ll do it.”

A cop pulled me over today and said "Papers", so I said "Scissors" and drove off.

A Joke from Hong Kong Recently the Hong Kong Government has announced that all police will have to travel in groups of three:

One cop knows how to read,

The second knows how to write

And the third is to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

A cop pulled me over and was going to give me a ticket for talking on the phone and driving. I told him he couldn't do that because it was my wife and I was just listening.

Driving on an open road and a cop pulls me over Cop: You know how fast you were going?

Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.

Cop: What traffic? The road is empty.

Guy: Yea, that's how far behind I am.

A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you between 5 and 6?” I replied, “Kindergarten.”

A cop pulls a guy over for making an illegal turn And the guy says, "But you don't understand, I thought to myself I better not turn, but I saw the sign and it said, 'No, U turn.'"

A cop pulls over a man for swerving on the roads late at night... The cop says “how high are you, sir?”

The man replies with “no officer I believe it’s ‘hi, how are you?’”

A man is called down to the police station for questioning. “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present,” he says.

“You _are_ the lawyer,” the cop replies.

“Yeah, so where’s my present?”

Got pulled over for open container I asked the cop "if its illegal to drink a beer while you drive then why is there a bottle opener attached to every seat?"

He said: "sir, those are seat belts."

A cop is making a report on a bike crash A cop is walking on the scene of a bike crash making a report:
- A hand in the field.
- A leg in the field.
- Torso in the field.
- Head on the aslhl... asplh... ashl...

He kicks the head.

- Head in the field.

A cop pulls over a woman going the wrong way down a one-way street. “Where the heck do you think you’re going?” the cop asks.

​

“I don’t know, but I must be late because it looks like everyone is coming back.”

​

Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, "Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?" "Chilly", he replies.

My girlfriend dressed up as a cop and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being great in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

How does a cop hang a picture? "...UP AGAINST THE WALL!"

What am I supposed to do with this? "What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

I got pulled over for speeding in a Chevette. The cop didn't want to give me a ticket; he just wanted to know how I did it.

My Boss: “You’re fired.” Me: *turns in apron and menu*

My Boss: “You’re a cop where did you get those”

What did a laid-back Italian cop say to a speeding driver? That's a fine.

A cop pulls over two catholic priests and says "I"m looking for two child molesters"... And the priests reply; "We'll do it!"

Decided to have my girlfriend dress as a cop and read me my rights Because everything I say can and will be used against me at a later date

I was pulled over by a dyslexic cop the other day... It was really awkward when he gave me an I.U.D.

I got pulled over doing 69 in a 55 last night. I'm pretty sure I was speeding too, but the cop just kept focusing on the legs around my head being unsafe.

"Son, do you know why I pulled you over?" - Cop with Alzheimer's trying to play it cool.

Stuck Behind Traffic A cop pulls a car over for driving too fast. He walks up to the car,

Cop: You were going to fast.

Driver: I was just trying to keep up with traffic.

Cop: There isn't any.

Driver: I know! That's how far behind I am!

What's the difference between a cop and a criminal? It's legal to defend yourself when a criminal robs you.

German physicist Werner Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding. The cop asked, do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg responds, no but I know exactly where I am.

A cop once told me to take a nap... I wasn't tired, so I got jailed for resisting a rest.

This girl I've been sexting told me she's an undercover cop That's impressive for an 11 year old.

I got pulled over by the Grammar Police. The cop was pretty passive about the sentence he handed me.

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Long Cop Jokes

Man wakes up in a slum with no memory of how he got there.

He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.

"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."

All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.

The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."

So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.

"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.

While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"

Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.

And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"

The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.

Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.

The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.

Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.

"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.

The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."

11 Minutes

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”

The cop says: “What are you doing?”

The young man says: “Well Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”

The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”

Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?”

The young man says “I’m 22, sir.”

The cop asks: “And her…what’s her age?”

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

“She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

The penguin joke (my favorite joke)

One day a Cop pulls a van over and when he walks up to the window he sees ten penguins in the back.

The cop asks the man "are those your penguins?"

The man Says "yes, they are my pets."

The cop replies to the man "You need to take them to the zoo right now."

So the man agrees and drives off. The next day the cop pulls over the same van and he walks up to the window and sees the ten pengins all wearing sunglasses.

The cop says to the man "I thought i told you to take those penguins to the zoo."

The man says "I did, today we are going to the beach!"

A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help."

Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?"

Officer: "On average, about two gallons."

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse."

But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out her blouse.

When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said, "Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" the woman asked.

"Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse."

The woman quickly looked down and screamed, "Oh my God! I left my baby on the bus!"

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The startled lad rolled it down and said, “Yes, Officer?”

“What are you doing?” the cop asked.

“Isn’t it obvious?” the young man replied. “I’m reading today’s newspaper.”

Pointing to the blonde in the backseat, the policeman grunted, “And what’s she doing?”

“I believe she’s knitting a sweater,” the guy behind the wheel responded.

“How old are you?” the cop inquired.

“I’m 22, Officer.”

“And the girl—how old is she?”

The dude in the driver’s seat looked at his watch and said, “She’ll turn 18 in ten minutes.”

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

Blonde gets caught speeding.

The cop is also a blonde.

Cop: “Let me see your driver’s license.”

Driver: “What’s that?”

Cop: “A square thing with your picture on it.”

Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.

Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,

“I’m gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn’t know you were a cop.”

(Edit: Glad you liked an old classic)

A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.

The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"

The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.

The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 20!"

One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!"

The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.

"What's the matter?" the cop asks.

She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 190."

so a guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over.

he comes up to the man and asks, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm late for my next show. i apologize. i assume you'll be needing my license and registration."

the cop looks intrigued, and says "whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggling! if you let me film you for a minute and send it to my daughter, i'll let you go with a warning."

the juggler says, "officer, i don't have my equipment with me, i had to ship it seperately." the officer thinks for a minute, and brings back five flares from his car and lights them.

the juggler effortlessly starts to toss and catch the flaming flares and the officer is very impressed.

meanwhile, another man driving by pulls over and stops his car. he gets out, stumbles into the back seat of the police car, and closes the door. the officer slowly approaches, hand on his gun, and says "sir, i'm going to have to ask you to slowly step out of the vehicle."

the man looks at the cop and chuckles, his words slurred, "sorry officer but i ain't never gonna pass that new sobriety test you got there"

A Blonde gets caught speeding

The cop is also a blonde.


Cop: “Let me see your driver’s license.”


Driver: “What’s that?”


Cop: “A square thing with your picture on it.”


Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.


Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,
“I’m gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn’t know you were a cop.”

A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car,...

...and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!"

"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.

"Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"

Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left.

He turned his lights on, then off.

He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.

He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed.

The cop was dumbfounded.

'This equipment must be broken,' exclaimed the policeman.

'I doubt it,' said the man. 'Tonight I'm the DD...Designated Decoy.'

__________________________________


Edit: Those who think he can still get arrested.. I know it guys. Don't take it literally. Its a JOKE.

Sometimes it might actually happen, right? Just enjoy possibility. :)

Two priests are out driving one day..

when they get pulled over by a police officer.

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"

The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;

"Alright officer, we'll do it"

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

The Lawyer's Car

A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!"

"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.

"Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"

A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

Did Santa get you that?

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

are you sure I'm drunk?

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."

The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."

A cop is out on patrol, and sees a car parked in the local lover's lane, with the windows all steamed up.

He knocks on the drivers window, and the guy inside rolls it down. The cop sees that there is a guy sitting in the front seat, fully clothed, and a girl in the back seat, also fully clothed.

"What are you up to here, son?"

"Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine, as you can see."

"And what's she doing back there?"

"I think she's playing a game on her phone."

"Have you been drinking tonight?"

"No, sir. I'm only twenty."

"And how old is she?"

The guy looks at his watch and says, "Sir, in eleven minutes she'll be eighteen."

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