Cop Jokes


Funniest Cop Jokes

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

Score: 26303

A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

Score: 13723

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because of the-

Car driving by: HONK

Me: Because if the-

2nd car driving by: HONK



Me: Because of the-

3rd car driving by:HOOONK

Me: Because of the “Honk if you think cops have micropenises’’ bumper sticker?

Score: 12226

[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated. Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.

Score: 11429

Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where's my present?!

Score: 9530
Funny Cop Jokes
Score: 7762

A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You are the lawyer!" The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present

Score: 3371

A cop stopped a guy for speeding... He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.

He said, "There is no traffic."

And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

Score: 2615

As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people... But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

Score: 1862

I got pulled over by a female cop... When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said


Score: 1737

If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals.. Left and right

Score: 1680

Cop pulls over bad driver Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?

Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af

Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car

Score: 1562

The other day I got pulled over by a cop. When he walked up, I pulled out my 9mm... Once he stopped laughing, he wrote me up for indecent exposure...

Score: 1309

A man gets pulled over by a female cop. He asks "what seems to be the problem, officer?", and the cop responds, "oh, nothing."

EDIT: Weee, this is my first time on the front page.

Score: 1124

The other day I got pulled over, and when the cop walked up I pulled out my 9mm Once he stopped laughing he wrote me up for indecent exposure

Score: 1034

Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives. A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:

cop: name?

Otto: Otto

cop: address?

Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin

cop: Occupation?

Otto: no, just visiting...

Score: 914

A cop is confronted by a white guy with a gun and a black guy with a nerf bat. Who does he shoot first? The bystander with the camera.

Score: 826

I saw a cop pull over a U Haul today... Looks like he was trying to bust a move.

Score: 679

Two guys get pulled over... Two guys in a car get pulled over. The cop walks up to the window and says "We're looking for 2 pedophiles". The car window goes up then after a few seconds comes back down.
The driver gives a sigh. "Alright, we'll do it"

Score: 597

Me: It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, what matters is how many times you get back up” Cop: “Sir, that’s not how a sobriety test works.”

Score: 443

Cop : Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do? Miner : Mine

Score: 426

*cop pulls over a driver* Cop: Who's car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
Miner: Mine.

Score: 367

I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.

Score: 366

Drunk driving or...? A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night:

-Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?

-I've had 8 drinks, officer.

-That's no excuse to let your wife drive...

Score: 364

A cop pulls over a miner and asks "Sir, whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do as a profession?"

And the miner replies "Mine."

Score: 356

Me, to the cop: You can’t arrest me. I have a marathon to run today! Cop: Stop playing the race card!

Score: 347

Cop: do you know why i pulled you over? Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy

Cop: there's a man in your trunk

Me: yea a 𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙝 man

Score: 305

A cop just knocked on my door and said that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes...

Score: 258

So a cop knocked on my door this morning. He asked, 'sir we believe your dog has been chasing a boy up the road on his bike.'

I replied, 'sorry officer, you must have the wrong house. My dog doesn't own a bike.'

Score: 241

Why is a cop like a box of chocolates? They'll kill your dog.

Score: 194

What does a South Carolina cop do when a panda runs away from him? Shoots him 8 times in the black.

Score: 88

A man was pulled over by a police officer for speeding The police officer asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the man replied.
The cop said, "There is no traffic."
The man replied, "That's how far behind I am."

Score: 65

When a cop stopped someone for speeding... Cop - "Sir, Do you know how fast you were just going?"
Man - "I was just trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.
Cop - "There is no traffic."
And the man answered, "That's how far behind I am."

Score: 61

What did the cop say to the old man peeing in public? Urine trouble

Score: 14

What did a laid-back Italian cop say to a speeding driver? That's a fine.

Score: 11

I went to Florida yesterday and a cop asked me if I have a criminal record. I said no, Is that still required?

Score: 10

What’s the difference between a panda and a cop in an ethnic restaurant? A panda eats chutes and leaves. The cop eats, shoots and leaves.

Score: 9

There was a mexican and a black person in a car. Who is driving? A cop.

Score: 9

Did you hear about the doctor who became a cop? He made sure everyone got their shots.

Score: 8

So a cop pulled me over one day for speeding... he asked: "excuse me sir, but do you know how long i've been waiting for you?"
i said:" i know, i'm sorry but i tried to get here as fast as i could."

Score: 6

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New Cop Jokes

What's the difference between a cop and a domestic abuser? The shifts

Score: 0

What is the similarity between a cop and a catholic priest? Bad ones just get transferred.

Edit: sorry for bad phrasing, just thought of it, probably can be put in better words.

Score: 1

What did the “good” cop say to the bad cop who showed up to handle the peaceful protesters outside a Rolex store? About time. You clock ‘em, I’ll just watch.

Score: 0

A cop went to sleep and closed his eeyes but all he saw was black. "Filthy frank shooting himself with shotgun"

Score: 0

As a cop, I don't see race That's why I keep arresting black people when the suspect is white.

Score: 1

What's the difference between a florist and a corrupt cop? The florist pots plants and the cop plants pot

Score: 0

My 5 year old just told me he wants to be a cop when he grows up It’s crazy. I didn’t even know he was racist.

Score: 0

I hit a guy with my car but the cop let me go. He was wearing camouflage and he said there was no way I could've seen him.

Score: 1

Traffic cop: Is this car licensed? Driver: Yes! Cop: I'll have a beer then!

Score: 1

That awkward moment when you are driving the wrong way and a traffic cop comes around and asks "How are you doing sir" and you answer.. Fine.

Score: 2

Cop: put you hands in the air! Me: lol
Cop: don't f\*kin laugh
Me: \^but.. that's me with my hands in the air\^
Cop: oh ok
Me: So can you really arrest people by text message?

Score: 3

What do a bar full of Germans shout as a response to a cop from a famous TV show? #Nein Nein!

Score: 4

Cop to Irishman: Step out of the car, are you drunk? Irishman: Dint even touch alcohol mate, all night it's been just wine.

Score: 1

What do you do to stay cool when it’s 100 degrees in NYC? Dress as a cop.

Score: 4

A blonde prostitute calls the police to report that she'd been raped... "When did it happen?" the cop asks.

"Five days ago," the blonde says.

"Five days!" the cop says. "Why did you wait so long to call us!?"

"Well, I didn't know it was rape until the check bounced!"

Score: 2

A cop pulled me over and saw 4082.33 grams of Coke in my backseat I had for a party. The store was all out of 12 packs of Pepsi.

Score: 1

My grandfather was a cop. He was dying because he needed blood for blood tranfusion. Everytime we would ask "Anything you need?", he would say "Oh, Negative".

Score: 3

Cop pulls over an 80 year old woman A cop pulls over an 80 year old woman for speeding and says "Hi there, why are you driving so fast?"
Woman says "Come on sir, let me go while I still know where I'm going"

Score: 5

What is the dumbest text you could ever send? "There is a cop behind me - I hope he doesn't pull me over"

Score: 2

What did the cop say to the butcher when they met? Police to meat you.

Score: 2

Cop: Sir did you see those smart cars crash? Me: Yes I did officer

Cop: Could you describe it sir?

Me: It was adorable officer

Score: 1

Why couldn't the cop save the hippie from drowning? He was too far out man

Score: 2

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