Cancer Jokes

Contents

Funniest Cancer Jokes

I heard that they have dogs now that can smell if you've got cancer That must be the most depressing dog ever to take on a walk. "Your dog really likes me" "I'm so sorry."

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Dark humor is like cancer. It's even funnier when children get it.

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Funny Cancer Jokes
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I've heard like seven cancer jokes today... If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.

Score: 9164

IDK what's so hard about cancer I'm already on stage 4

Score: 7522

A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head." "The bad news is it's brain cancer."

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So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back. Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Score: 3235

I don’t get why people say cancer is hard to beat I’m already on Stage 4

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Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s. Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

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EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy WEB MD: Cancer.

Score: 2134

I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back Apparently, that is an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Score: 2003

Why did Ellen Pao fire an employee with cancer? She felt threatened by someone more malignant than herself

Score: 1856

Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have? cancer.

Score: 1423

What's the difference between me and cancer My dad didn't beat cancer

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It turns out vaccines cause cancer. You'll actually live long enough to get it.

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Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.

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Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's Patient: Atleast Idont have Cancer

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I've already heard like seven cancer jokes today... If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign.

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My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties. He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.

Score: 807

My mum's starsign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died... She was eaten by a massive crab

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Dark humor: Explained Dark humor is like a child with cancer

It never gets old

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My girlfriend got upset when I said she'd look sexier with her hair back Apparently it's harsh to say to a cancer patient.

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I said to my girlfriend that I think she'd look sexier with her hair back… Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

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Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers. Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers. Emma gives Mary 3 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. Sam gives Mary 2 stuffed animals and 1 flower. What does Mary have?

Cancer. Mary has cancer.

Score: 446

I suggested my girlfriend she would look sexier with her hair back... Apparently it's an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Score: 437

Dark humour is like a child with cancer It never gets old.

Score: 417

Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer “Honey,” she said, “there’s a couple things I need to get off my chest.”

Score: 411

I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back. Apparently that's not something you should say to a cancer patient.

Score: 402

My friend, who's star sign was cancer, died very ironically. He was mauled by a giant crab.

Score: 387

Okay to tell dead Steve Jobs jokes now? What's the difference between cancer and the middle class? At least cancer got Jobs.

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An old man is walking in the hospital... An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!

Score: 119

My mother's star sign was cancer. Ironic how she died, really. She died due to fatal injuries from a giant crab attack.

Score: 109

This cancer game is easy i'm already on stage 4

Score: 91

My wife's starsign was Cancer, which is quite ironic really, thinking about how she died... she was attacked by a giant crab

Score: 81

Did you ever get two pieces of shocking news at once? I just found out my sister was diagnosed with testicular cancer.

Score: 43

My friend's star sign was cancer, so I guess it's quite ironic how he died. He got attacked by a giant crab.

Score: 35

What did the deaf, dumb, blind, amputee kid get for Christmas? Cancer.

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My grandfathers star sign was cancer which is ironic seeing how he died. He was eaten by a giant crab.

Score: 26

Breast cancer awareness has pink ribbons, but what does alcoholism awareness have? Bruises.

Score: 24

If being sexually active reduces the chance of developing prostate cancer, guess what I am doing tonight? Developing cancer.

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New Cancer Jokes

Every zodiac sign has a good hairstyle Except for cancer

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What marine animal has the highest chance of getting cancer? The pufferfish

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People always say cancer is hard to beat It’s pretty easy actually, I’m already on stage 4

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What does a comedian with cancer have? A sense of tumor.

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So my doctor asked me what my zodiac sign was, and I told him "Cancer" He replied with, "Oh! What a coincidence!"

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You know what cancer and I have in common? My dad beat both, unfortunately....

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How does Snoop Dogg refer to his testicular cancer? Disease nutz!

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I don't get how cancer is so hard to beat Like come on, people get to stage 4 all the time

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Did you hear about the dude who got a desease from his soda he got cancer

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I'm a Taurus who's been dating a Cancer, and I've been thinking we should break up. Every fight we have is more ammo for him to bring up the next time, and it's sickening. He just doesn't know how to let things die.

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I still remember how my dad died He was driving his big truck at nights and he'd turn the headlights off for fun and one time BAM, he got cancer

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Why was the 4 year old child with cancer crying? Mid-life crisis

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An elderly man goes to the doctor to have an examination done. Afterwards, the doctor tells the man, "I'm deeply sorry, sir, but it appears that you have cancer, as well as Alzheimer's disease."

The man says, "Phew! At least I just have that and not cancer!"

Score: 1

A man wakes up in the hospital from cancer surgery,and asks the nurse "Were you able to save my testicles?". "Yes,we saved them for you under your pillow."

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A little kid asks his friend: what did your parents give you on Christmas? He says: I've got a bicycle, a lot of Legos, an iphone, an ipad, and a trip to DisneyWorld.

The first kid says: You're so lucky, I wish I had cancer too.

Score: 1

Sherlock joke (my first post here) Patient: \**dying of cancer*\* No chance for you to be a doctor this time, Mr Homes!

Doctor: Oh, do your research. I'm not a hero, I'm a high functioning homeopath. Merry Christmas! \**cuts off morphine supply\**

Score: 3

What's the difference between a Buddhist and a cancer patient? The eyebrows

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What's the difference between salmon and cancer? Salmon can be cured.

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I hooked up with this chick who had part of her breast amputated after surviving breast cancer. She was a hoot and a half.

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A woman with a clipboard stopped me on the street the other day She said, "can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"

I said "all right, but we won't get much done..."

(-Jimmy Carr)

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A coach is watching one of his players run laps on the track. Coach: “You’re almost done kid! Just tumor!”

Kid: “I don’t think I cancer.”

Score: 3

It’s the 10 year anniversary for Macmillan cancer support. They hosted a reunion for sufferers from the last 10 years but hardly anyone showed up.

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My aunt’s star sign was cancer, so it was pretty ironic how she died... She was eaten by a giant crab.

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I would really love to see Fall Out Boy play at a breast cancer awareness fundraiser Just so they can play their hit song, Thanks For The Mammories

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My dad's zodiac sign was Cancer. It is ironic how he died. He has eaten by a giant crab

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What's the similiartity between a kid with cancer, and a joke about a kid with cancer? They never gets old.

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You should cut people born between June 21st and July 22nd out of your life... They're Cancer.

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My cousins zodiac sign was cancer, kind of ironic how she died... She was eaten by a giant crab

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What did Ronald Reagan say when he found out he had cancer and Alzheimers? Well...at least I don't have cancer!

Score: 2

Tell them I died because of aids... Dad: Son when I finally die, tell them that I died because of aids.
Son: Why aids dad? You're dying becuase of cancer!
Dad: So that when i die nobody would date your mom! She is now wearing skimpy shorts I aint even dead yet!

Score: 2

A scientist has been working with mice for many years and has discovered a potential cure for cancer. "It was an elaborate experiment".

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I figured out the zodiac killer case It was cancer.

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You should never use an astrology sign generator. It might give you cancer.

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What did the paraplegic 8 year old get for Christmas? #Cancer.

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A kid goes to a doctor. The doctor asks:

"So what's your zodiac sign?"


The kid responds:


"Cancer."



The doctor:




"Oh,what a coincidence!"

Score: 11

A doctor says to his patient, "I am afraid you have cancer and Alzheimer's disease." The patient replies, "That sucks, but at least I don't have cancer!"

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What does a cancer survivor who just baked a pumpkin pie say? "I made it."

Credit to my wonderful brother.

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What do you call a dragon with cancer? A Chemododragon.

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People say star signs are a load of rubbish, but it's not true. My gran was a cancer, which is ironic considering how she died.... Eaten by a giant crab.

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I told my wife that she would look better with her hair back She was furious, apparently it's insensitive to say that to cancer patients.

Score: 6

Patient: What's the diagnosis, doctor? Doctor: What's your zodiac sign?
Patient: Cancer.
Doctor: What a coincidence!

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If I made a dollar for every cancer joke I've made I'd be able to pay for chemo

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What's worse that finding a worm in your apple? Cancer.

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If Rihanna were born in July... Then could it said that in 2009, Chris Brown beat Cancer?

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How are cancer and pregnancy similar? They can both be fixed with intense radiation therapy.

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What are the three kinds of women's cancer? 1. Breast Cancer
2. Ovarian Cancer
3. Feminism

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What is the difference between cancer and a Brazilian? Cancer evolves, a Brazilian doesn't.

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What did the poor, unfortunate, paraplegic kid get for christmas? Cancer.

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Doing crystal meth lowers your risk of dying from cancer… by raising your risk of dying from crystal meth.

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Michael Jackson's mom was recently diagnosed with Brest Cancer. She had a bad mamma gramma

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Why do bird watchers invest so much money in breast cancer awareness? Because they are greatly satisfied by seeing Tucans.

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My grandma got breast cancer and is getting a mastectomy. That's certainly a weight off her chest.

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doctor: your test results have come patient: what does it say?
doctor : but first , what is your zodiac sign?
patient: cancer, but why ?
doctor : what a coincidence !

Score: 1

So a lady was waiting at the doctor's... The doctor is obsessed with the stars, and is a junior astrologist, so, naturally, he asks the woman what her Zodiac symbol is. She responds; "Cancer, why?". "What a coincidence..." Said the Doctor.

Score: 6

What did the deaf, blind, crippled kid get for Christmas? Cancer.

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If you survive colon cancer Are you only left with a semi colon?

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How fast does a skydiving cancer patient fall? Terminal velocity.

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How did the cow feel after being diagnosed with breast cancer? She was in udder disbelief.

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What did the blind paraplegic child get for Christmas? Cancer.


Happy new years folks!

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