Cancer Jokes

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Funniest Cancer Jokes

I heard that they have dogs now that can smell if you've got cancer That must be the most depressing dog ever to take on a walk. "Your dog really likes me" "I'm so sorry."

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Dark humor is like cancer. It's even funnier when children get it.

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Funny Cancer Jokes
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I've heard like seven cancer jokes today... If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.

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IDK what's so hard about cancer I'm already on stage 4

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A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head." "The bad news is it's brain cancer."

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So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back. Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

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I don’t get why people say cancer is hard to beat I’m already on Stage 4

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Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s. Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

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EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy WEB MD: Cancer.

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I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back Apparently, that is an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Score: 2003

Why did Ellen Pao fire an employee with cancer? She felt threatened by someone more malignant than herself

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Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have? cancer.

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What's the difference between me and cancer My dad didn't beat cancer

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It turns out vaccines cause cancer. You'll actually live long enough to get it.

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Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.

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Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's Patient: Atleast Idont have Cancer

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I've already heard like seven cancer jokes today... If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign.

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My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties. He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.

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My mum's starsign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died... She was eaten by a massive crab

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Dark humor: Explained Dark humor is like a child with cancer

It never gets old

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My girlfriend got upset when I said she'd look sexier with her hair back Apparently it's harsh to say to a cancer patient.

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I said to my girlfriend that I think she'd look sexier with her hair back… Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

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Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers. Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers. Emma gives Mary 3 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. Sam gives Mary 2 stuffed animals and 1 flower. What does Mary have?

Cancer. Mary has cancer.

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I suggested my girlfriend she would look sexier with her hair back... Apparently it's an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

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Dark humour is like a child with cancer It never gets old.

Score: 417

Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer “Honey,” she said, “there’s a couple things I need to get off my chest.”

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I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back. Apparently that's not something you should say to a cancer patient.

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My friend, who's star sign was cancer, died very ironically. He was mauled by a giant crab.

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Okay to tell dead Steve Jobs jokes now? What's the difference between cancer and the middle class? At least cancer got Jobs.

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I suggested my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back.. Apparently it was an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

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An old man is walking in the hospital... An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!

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How is the 85 year old Contractor that survived lung cancer doing? Asbestos he can.

I'm so sorry.

Score: 90

My wife's starsign was Cancer, which is quite ironic really, thinking about how she died... she was attacked by a giant crab

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A child with cancer goes skydiving for his bucket list He's now at terminal velocity.

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Breast cancer awareness has pink ribbons, but what does alcoholism awareness have? Bruises.

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My ex-girlfriend's star sign was cancer. It is quite ironic how she died.... .... she was killed by a giant crab.

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My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died... She was attacked by a giant crab.

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A kid goes to a doctor. The doctor asks:

"So what's your zodiac sign?"


The kid responds:


"Cancer."



The doctor:




"Oh,what a coincidence!"

Score: 11

I told my wife that she would look better with her hair back She was furious, apparently it's insensitive to say that to cancer patients.

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New Cancer Jokes

Every zodiac sign has a good hairstyle Except for cancer

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What marine animal has the highest chance of getting cancer? The pufferfish

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What does a comedian with cancer have? A sense of tumor.

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So my doctor asked me what my zodiac sign was, and I told him "Cancer" He replied with, "Oh! What a coincidence!"

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You know what cancer and I have in common? My dad beat both, unfortunately....

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What disease occurs because someone uses too much punctuation? Colon Cancer

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Did you hear about the dude who got a desease from his soda he got cancer

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I still remember how my dad died He was driving his big truck at nights and he'd turn the headlights off for fun and one time BAM, he got cancer

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Why was the 4 year old child with cancer crying? Mid-life crisis

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An elderly man goes to the doctor to have an examination done. Afterwards, the doctor tells the man, "I'm deeply sorry, sir, but it appears that you have cancer, as well as Alzheimer's disease."

The man says, "Phew! At least I just have that and not cancer!"

Score: 1

Sherlock joke (my first post here) Patient: \**dying of cancer*\* No chance for you to be a doctor this time, Mr Homes!

Doctor: Oh, do your research. I'm not a hero, I'm a high functioning homeopath. Merry Christmas! \**cuts off morphine supply\**

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What's the difference between a Buddhist and a cancer patient? The eyebrows

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What's the difference between salmon and cancer? Salmon can be cured.

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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says 'why the long face?' The horse said 'my wife has terminal cancer'

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A patient walks into a doctor’s office. The doctor says “pick a star sign, any star sign” so the patient goes “Capricorn”... The doctor goes “nahh you’ve got cancer”

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I hooked up with this chick who had part of her breast amputated after surviving breast cancer. She was a hoot and a half.

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A woman with a clipboard stopped me on the street the other day She said, "can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"

I said "all right, but we won't get much done..."

(-Jimmy Carr)

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A coach is watching one of his players run laps on the track. Coach: “You’re almost done kid! Just tumor!”

Kid: “I don’t think I cancer.”

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It’s the 10 year anniversary for Macmillan cancer support. They hosted a reunion for sufferers from the last 10 years but hardly anyone showed up.

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I would really love to see Fall Out Boy play at a breast cancer awareness fundraiser Just so they can play their hit song, Thanks For The Mammories

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My dad's zodiac sign was Cancer. It is ironic how he died. He has eaten by a giant crab

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What's the similiartity between a kid with cancer, and a joke about a kid with cancer? They never gets old.

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My cousins zodiac sign was cancer, kind of ironic how she died... She was eaten by a giant crab

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Tell them I died because of aids... Dad: Son when I finally die, tell them that I died because of aids.
Son: Why aids dad? You're dying becuase of cancer!
Dad: So that when i die nobody would date your mom! She is now wearing skimpy shorts I aint even dead yet!

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A scientist has been working with mice for many years and has discovered a potential cure for cancer. "It was an elaborate experiment".

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I figured out the zodiac killer case It was cancer.

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Man I am glad I don't live in Caifornia. Everything there causes cancer.

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You should never use an astrology sign generator. It might give you cancer.

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What did the paraplegic 8 year old get for Christmas? #Cancer.

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People are really sad about the news that Larry King has lung cancer while others are excited to hear he's alive.

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What do you call a dragon with cancer? A Chemododragon.

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There's only one thing I haven't quit on... Now I have lung cancer.

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People say star signs are a load of rubbish, but it's not true. My gran was a cancer, which is ironic considering how she died.... Eaten by a giant crab.

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If I made a dollar for every cancer joke I've made I'd be able to pay for chemo

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If Rihanna were born in July... Then could it said that in 2009, Chris Brown beat Cancer?

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What is the difference between cancer and a Brazilian? Cancer evolves, a Brazilian doesn't.

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What do you call a sad cancer patient? Chemo-sobby (kemosabe)

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My doctor sang this to me at my birthday "Happy birthday to you. You live in a zoo. You have terminal cancer. Your family'll miss you"

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My friend's new Thai wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer... Apparently, it's so bad, its spread to her testicles.

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Breast Cancer Awareness Hotline I called the hotline for information about breast self-examination. I got a recording that said "Press one to continue.....OK, now press the other one.

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My horoscope said that I won't get along with Cancer... Nether do people in hospice care.

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What did Tanto call the lone ranger after he started treatment for cancer? Chemosabi

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How did the cow feel after being diagnosed with breast cancer? She was in udder disbelief.

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