Philosophy Jokes

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Funniest Philosophy Jokes

What's the difference between a guy with an Arts Major, and a guy with a Philosophy Major? One will ask WHY you want fries with that!

Funny Philosophy Jokes

What's the difference between an art major and a philosophy major? The philosophy major will ask you WHY you want fries with that.

My next job, I want to be the security guard at the philosophy building of a university... I will spend my days asking philosophy students “Who are you, and why are you here?”

What's the difference between a Philosophy major and a cashier at KFC? A job application.

Hear about the girl who banged her philosophy professor for a better grade? He was deep in thot.

What's the difference between a philosophy major and a picnic table? A picnic table can support a family.

I'm going to major in Philosophy when I go to college... ...so one day I can ask '*Why* do you want fries with that?'

To all the philosophy majors out there... Can I get a Grande Mocha with whip please?

What did the Philosophy Ph.D say to the fat black woman? Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order?

One More For All The Philosophy Majors Out There The Physics major asks: How does it work?

The Engineering major asks: How do you build it?

The Accounting major asks: How much will it cost?

The Philosophy major asks: Do you want fries with that?

I always thought I would discover my inner self through Eastern philosophy Not through a piece of single-ply toilet paper.

What's the difference between a philosophy degree and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.

What's the difference between an art major and a philosophy major? The philosophy major will ask *why* you want fries with your Big Mac.

After watching me sign up for a Greek philosophy course, my dad said, “Did you know Aristotle said that we are what we repeatedly do?” “Therefore, I’m your mother.”

How do you get a philosophy major off of your porch? Pay for the pizza.

Greece announced they are going to default on their nearly 1.8 billion dollar loan Who would’ve thought the country that invented the philosophy major would be broke?

A short philosophy joke... René Descartes is walking around a party when somebody asks him if he’d like something to drink. Descartes answers, “I think not” and promptly vanishes.

What's the difference between a philosophy degree and a large pizza? The pizza can feed a family.

"Hey man, I haven't seen you since college!" "Hey man, I haven't seen you since college! How are you?"

"I'm doing well, I got that philosophy degree."

"Congratulations."

"Thanks. Hey, do you want fries with that?

It's fun being a philosophy major I get to reflect on why I can't pay for food

Why is a university Philosophy Department always cheaper to fund than the Math Department? The math department needs paper, pencils, and a wastebasket.

The philosophy department only needs paper and pencils.

What’s the difference between philosophy and eyeballing a picture of a rock? One’s ideology, the other’s eyed-geology

I wedged a philosophy book between my butt cheeks Now I have a wisecrack in any situation

Did you hear about the prostitute who's a philosophy major? She could really blow your mind.

A friend of mine gave up his addiction to hiring escorts and is now getting a philosophy degree. I’m glad he put Descartes before the whores.

Did you hear the one about the philosophy major that failed out of school? Apparently he put the whores before Descartes

What's the difference between a philosophy major and an arts major? A philosophy major asks: "Why do you want fries with that?"

How do you use a philosophy degree in a professional context? *Why* would you like fries with that?

In a philosophy class... Professor: Sometimes an idiot's question is too hard for even 10 geniuses to answer.

One student pipes up: No wonder I fail my tests.

I told my job interview that I studied philosophy at school. He said, "Was that useful?"

I said, "I don't know. Was it?"

I saw my sister sobbing in her room, worried that her Philosophy degree might be worthless in today’s job market. I said, “Are you having an existential cry, sis?”

I had an arguement with a philosophy major I told him NO, I don't want avocado on my footlong!

What do you call a homeless college student? A philosophy major

For all of those Philosophy Majors out there Philosophy Joke:

If an argument concludes a tree fall without human interaction in a forest for a stump to be made, and there are no lumberjack's in the forest to hear it, does it make it sound?

Never date a philosophy major My last girlfriend was one and she spent most of her time trying to prove that I didn't exist

This one is for you philosophy nerds. What do you call it when a middle aged woman takes a break from reading Plato dialogues? Meno pause

What is the design philosophy of the iPhone 7? Jack off

Telling your parents your a philosophy major is like reading them poetry They snap

What is Harry Potter's philosophy on relationships... Hit it and quidditch.

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New Philosophy Jokes

What's the most important question for a philosophy graduate? Whether Pepsi is ok.

Our philosophy professor told us that he’s not familiar with the concept of humor. Well, apparently he’s naught.

What does a philosophy student feel when they fail a module on empiricism? Hume-iliation

You people doubted I would get through my French philosophy course. Foucault y'all

For my philosophy course, I had to prove that a circular argument is a logical fallacy. It's easy!

It's because a circular argument is a logical fallacy.

What is the philosophy of every defense contractor? Cogito, ergo boom!

Philosophy in a nutshell: A blind man saw an arm amputee pull the hair of a bald guy that was smelling a deaf man listening to a mute.

How do you get a Philosophy Major off your front porch ? Pay him for the pizza !

I had to drop out of Philosophy because of my constant soliciting of prostitutes. I put the whores before Descartes.

Is this a joke? Or a philosophy question?

What do you call a monk with a philosophy degree? A deep friar.

No one will talk about philosophy with me I guess it's a pretty nietzsche subject

What is courage ? A philosophy professor gives a final exam consisting entirely of a single question “What is courage ?”


Within a minute of the start of the test, one student answers “This is.” and hands in his paper.


He receives an A+.

Philosophy of a skunk I stink, therefore I am

The people that believe in infinite lives Have just taken the philosophy of eat, sleep and repeat way too seriously.

A dolphin graduated from college with a philosophy major. He thought, "what's my porpoise now?"

Ancient Greek philosophy joke It turns out that Diogenes did find one honest person, but this person told Diogenes "quit wasting your time and get a job." and Diogenes didn't want to hear the truth any more than anybody else does.

How do you differentiate Philosophy and Arts Majors? You can’t. They have no function.

If a tree falls on a deserted island, "Does it make a sound?" the teacher asked the class of philosophy for business majors. "Now, does anyone have an answer or possibly a question?"

"Who's funding this?" was the reply.

I skipped philosophy class to go see a prostitute. Descartes shouldn’t be in front of the whores.

I have a degree in philosophy and I can't find a job. I've spent a lot of time thinking why.

A classic one told by my philosophy teacher today... A man dies. He goes into heaven. Later, he sees his wife. He can't believe it and when she comes to greet him, he backs off, and explains:

"I promised we'd be together until death do us part".

Why did the Republican hate his logic course? Because Philosophy is considered a *liberal* art

I asked my philosophy prof about Nihilism He said it was all pointless.

What do you get when you cross ancient Chinese philosophy with modern American derivatives markets? Dao Jones.

What's the difference between someone with an arts degree and a philosophy degree ? The philosophy degree will ask why you want fries with that.

What kind of car do most philosophy majors drive? An uber.

What do you call a ho with a philosophy degree? Aristhotle

What’s the difference between an art student and a philosophy student? A philosophy student asks you why you want fries with that

My dad studied Philosophy in college, and he's a pastor I suppose that makes him a Philosorapture.

My philosophy I plan to live forever or die trying.

What was Hitler's philosophy on PR? Weimar your reputation when you know you're in the Reich!

Why should you never trust a one armed philosophy professor? He never mentions "on the other hand"

What is the philosophy that people have the right to do everything in their power to achieve the greatest amount of pleasure possible to them? Let me ask my girlfriend, she seems like the expert in this.

What's the difference between an art student and a philosophy student? A philosophy student asks you *why* you want fries with that

Sweet Potato Philosophy "I think therefore I yam."

I was a bit of a nerd in high school. Instead of chasing girls I was studying philosophy My friends always said that I put Descartes before the whores.

Philosophy is a game with objectives but no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules but no objectives.

How do you get someone with a doctorate in philosophy to leave your house? Just pay for your pizza.

My philosophy about relationships is the same as my diet... If I work really hard at it, once a month I should get to have a cheat day.

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Long Philosophy Jokes

The driest, most esoteric joke I know.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.

The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefor I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister...

Are skinny dipping in the forest one day. Joking and talking philosophy and such. Suddenly they hear a large group of locals walking down the path toward them. To their dismay, they realized that they left their clothes hanging on branches on the other side of the path and would have to run past everyone to get them.
The minister gets out of the water, covers his junk and runs as fast as he can past the oncoming people to get his clothes.
The priest, in turn, gets out of the water, covers his junk and runs as fast as he can past the people to his clothes.
Finally the rabbi gets out of the water, covers his face and runs as fast as they can to his clothes.
As they dress the priest turns to the rabbi and asks,
"Why did you cover your face and not your genitals?"
"Well I don't know about you guys, but in my congregation they know me by my face."

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words:

"What chair?"

A horse walks into a bar...

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic, to which the horse replies, "I don't think I am." POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when any philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of cogito ergo sum, or roughly, "I think, therefore I am."

But to explain that concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

While visiting India , Donald Trump is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam.

While visiting India , Donald Trump is invited
to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.
Trump asks how he knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says
Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate. "
Trump watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says,
"Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question:
Your mother has a child, and your father has a child,
and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Manmohan immediately responds,
"It's me, Sir !"
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye" says Kalam. He hangs
up and says," Did you get that, Mr. Trump ?"
Trump nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot.
I'll definitely be using that!"


Trump, upon returning to US, decides he'd better put Mike Pence to the test. Trump summons him and says,
"Mike, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, Sir!. What's on your mind?"
Trump poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a
child, and your father has a child, and this child is not
your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Mr. Pence was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Trump agrees, and Pence leaves. Pence immediately calls a meeting of all staff, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Pence calls Ted Cruz and explains the problem.
"Mr. Cruz, your mother has a child, and your father
has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"
Cruz answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Pence rushes back to Donald Trump,
and exclaims,
"I know the answer,Sir! I know who it is!
It's our Ted Cruz!"
And Trump replies in disgust,


"Wrong, it's Manmohan Singh!"

Trump visits the Queen.

While visiting England after his election victory, Donald Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Trump asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Trump watches as the Queen phones David Cameron and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

David Cameron responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Trump?"

Trump nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Trump, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put his entourage to the test. Trump summons to-be Vice-President Mike Pence to the White House and says, "Tell me Mike, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Trump poses the question: "Well, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Pence hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Trump agrees, and Pence leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Pence calls Rex Tillerson at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Tillerson answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Pence rushes back to the White House, finds Donald Trump, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Rex Tillerson!"

And Trump replies in disgust, "Of course not, dumbass! It's David Cameron!"

EDIT: Yup, I know it's a Bush joke. And I know that Theresa May is current PM. But come on, isn't the joke much better with David Cameron?

An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department...

...and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"The professor says, "I should have taken the money!"

A philosophy professor is examining a student.

However, the student does not know too much and is in danger of failing, so he says to the professor:

- If I ask you a philosophical question and you don't know the answer, will you let me pass?

The professor agrees, so the student says:

- Describe a situation from your life when there was something moral, but illogical, immoral, but logical and neither moral nor logical.

The professor spends some time thinking, but ultimately lets the student pass.

During his next lecture, he asks students for suggestions what the situation may be. One student stands up and says:

"Professor, I know the exact situation he was talking about.

You're 55 and married to a 23-year-old woman, which is moral, but illogical.

Your wife has a 20-year-old lover, which is immoral, but logical.

You let her lover pass when you should have failed him, and this is neither moral nor logical!"

A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her...

When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks.

She then asked the students if the jar was full?

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.

She shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.

She then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They again agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life.

The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.

The sand is everything else.

The small stuff.

If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks.

The same goes for your life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Play with your children.

Take time to get medical check-ups.

Take your partner out dancing.

There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.

Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand.

But then...

A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer.

Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

Alcoholic Horse

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “you’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?”

The horse ponders for a minute and responds, “I don’t think I am”, and poof he disappears.

This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, “I think, therefore I am.”

But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Two Greek philosophers get into an argument...

Euclid: You've been a very good pupil this past year, Eubulides, but now it's time for you to pay the 50 drachma you owe me for all the philosophy I've taught you.

Eubulides pauses to think for a moment.

Eubulides: Hm, as much as I would love to pay you back, I'm afraid that's not possible.

Euclid: Why not?

Eubulides: Imagine that I have a heap of sand in front of me. Suppose I were to take a single grain away from the heap of sand. Is it still the same heap?

Euclid: Well, perhaps...

Eubulides: Now suppose I were to continue taking away grains of sand one by one. Eventually, you'd agree, the heap is no longer the same.

Euclid: Yes, I agree that it would be different at some point.

Eubulides: Then you understand precisely my problem! Just as the heap of sand changes as grains are removed, I have also changed over this past year. The Eubulides who promised to pay you 50 drachma no longer exists. So you see, it's impossible for me to ever pay you back.

Euclid pauses to think for a moment. He then proceeds to beat up Eubulides and take his 50 drachma.

Eubulides: Ow! What'd you do that for?

Euclid: Who? Me?

Philosophy 112, or the joke that I just told in a dream and have to write down for posterity

Take this guy, Bob. He's coming into his early 40s, and goes into a midlife crisis. He tells his wife he wants to go back to school and study all the stuff he never got to when he was working so hard as a kid. She's fully supportive, feeling there are worse things he could be doing in this phase of his life, and they get him enrolled at a local university.

Bob starts taking random bullshit classes. His first semester he takes Archaeology 101, Sociology 102, and his favorite, Philosophy 112: History of early modern philosophy. He starts learning about all the great thinkers who laid the groundwork for all of our thinking today, and he just falls in love with it. Doesn't care he's surrounded by 18 year olds for six hours a week, he just dives right in.

One day, his buddy Jim calls him up to talk. Jim's also going through a midlife crisis. He's doing a much more destructive path, however. He calls Bob up and tells him he knows of an excellent escort service. He says they should take a "business trip," have a little fun, the wife doesn't need to know.

Bob thinks about it, and says, "No, I've got a huge philosophy paper due in a couple days and I should work on that."

Jim looks at him like he's insane, calls him a prude, and storms away. But Bob is confident.

Bob knows that sometimes, it's good to put Descartes before the whores.

Philosophy final

in a class for philosophy, the teacher looks at his class, grabs his chair, places it on his desk and tells the entire classroom about his final.

"You have only one question: use your knowledge that I have taught you in this class and prove to me that this chair doesn't exist. You have until the end of class."

Now while everyone else in the class worked on long complicated answers to his problem, one student got up from his desk almost as soon as it begun. The student smiles and hands the teacher his paper and was off.

The teacher, almost sad that the student didn't even try, looked at the sheet of paper and gave the student an "A"

His answer: What chair?

Dean, to the physics department:

"Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeeper says, "You're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am," and vanishes from existence.


See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think; therefore, I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Two guys who haven't seen each other since High School meet...

**Guy 1**: Hey George! Haven't seen you in such a long time! How's it going? You went to study Philosophy like you always wanted?

**Guy 2**: Yea! I have a license in Philosophy!

**Guy 1**: Oh, that's awesome! And your sister told me that you also studied Journalism after that?

**Guy 2**: Yes. I'm thinking of even getting a Master's in Journalism.

**Guy 1**: Good job George, I'm proud of you. Keep it up! I'll have a Big Mac now please.

A joke my philosophy professor told me

So philosophers are known to have horrible jokes, and this one is no exception. I'm just posting this for any philosophers who may or may not appreciate it.

John has a date tomorrow with a pretty girl from his philosophy class. He's a nervous fellow and is worried about how to break the ice and start a conversation. His dad notices his son is nervous and fretting over something, and asks him what the problem is.

"Oh dad, I have a date tomorrow and I don't know how to break the ice!"

"Well, son, that's easy! There are three things to talk about that will start a conversation. Food, family, and philosophy!"

So the next day, John goes to the ice cream parlor (it's an old joke) with his date. She stares at her ice cream and doesn't look up or speak at all. John is getting a little nervous, but remembers the ice breakers his dad taught him.

"Do you like pizza?"

The girl looks up from her food and says "No."

John, more nervous now, says "Oh. Well do you have a brother?"

His date once again looks up and says "NO!"

John, nervous as ever, is struggling to remember the third ice breaker his father taught him. Finally, he remembers! Philosophy!

John straightens his face and asks "Well, if you had a brother, would he like pizza?"

Philosophy Major: True story

With five minutes left in his class, a philosophy professor decides to talk about his own college experience.

“Philosophy is basically a dead-end major. You know where your career is going when you sign up for it.” He looks at one student and asks, “What would your parents say if you told them you were changing your major to Philosophy.”

The student says, “They’d be thrilled. See, I am a theater major.”

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