Political Jokes

Contents

Funniest Political Jokes

If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country Not a political post, I just love to travel

What does the Trump administration use instead of emails? Alternative fax.

Edit: This is not a political statement. I do not have an agenda. This is a bad pun for you guys to enjoy. Wake up sheeple!

Funny Political Jokes

I am absolutely afraid to make a political joke now. ^^it ^^^might ^^^^get ^^^^^elected.

I'd make a political joke but it would just end up being elected president Ba Dum Tss

I hate political jokes And it disgusts me that two are running for president.

I don't want to make a political joke It might get elected as president of the United States

If Trump wins the election, I'm leaving the country. If Clinton wins the election, I'm leaving the country.

This isn't a political post; I just want to travel.

What's the worst thing about a political joke? They usually get elected

If Donald Trump wins I'm going back to Africa For some political stability..

I hate all the political correctness these days, I can't even say "black paint" anymore. Now I have to say "Tyrone please paint the fence."

Political correctness gone mad. I can't even refer to my own child as my disabled son.

Apparently it's my "daughter."

Political Correctness has gone mad... You can't even say "Black paint" anymore, you have to say "Jamal would you please kindly help me paint my fence."

You know what the biggest problem with political jokes is? They get elected.

You guys want to hear another political joke? Neither do I.

Want to hear a joke about political correctness? \[This joke was removed due to offensive content\]

Why did the police chief tell his officers to show up 15 minutes early to the political demonstration? To beat the crowds.

With political correctness on the rise, you can't even say "Black Paint" You have to say "Tyrone, please paint my house"

Black paint Political correctness has gone to far these days. You cant even say black paint any more, you have to say "Tyrone, please will you paint my house?"

The worst political jokes..... Are the ones that find themselves getting elected.

I know this is a risk of being a political joke... But here is the joke: Our Political system.

People are so political these days... ...that you can't even say black paint. Instead, you have to say, "Daniel, please paint my fence".

Why did Moses vote for Al Gore? Because the last time he took political orders from a Bush, his country went mucking around in the Middle East for forty years.

I don't approve of political jokes I have seen too many of them get elected.

If Hillary wins I'm leaving the country if trump wins I'm leaving the country. Not a political repost I'm just getting deported

Political correctness has reached the level of absurdity For example, we can't say brown paint. Instead we should say "please paint that wall, Jose"

If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country. If Hillary wins, I'm leaving the country. This isn't a political joke, I just really wanna travel.

I'm not a fan of political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.

I don't like political jokes Too many of them get elected.

I just saved a bunch of money on Christmas presents.... By posting about my political views on Facebook.

I enjoy political jokes... I just don't like when they get elected.

Voting for Hillary because of her political experience is like... Hiring Hitler as a birthday magician because he made 6,000,000 people disappear.

A political joke for both sides: Joe Biden has forgotten more about governing than Trump ever learned.

Political joke competition in the USSR Grand prize: 15 years

"Y'know with all the civil unrest, political corruption, class divides, drug smuggling, gang wars, police brutality, gun violence, and poor education maybe building a wall to protect us from our southern neighbors isn't such a bad idea" \- Canada

Political opinions are like dicks.... Sometimes they lean left, sometimes they lean right, and nobody likes it when your crazy uncle whips his out at Thanksgiving dinner.

The worst thing about political jokes Is that sometimes they get elected.

The problem with political jokes is.. Too many get elected.

How many political idealists does it take to change a light bulb? None, political idealists can't change anything.

I don't like political jokes They always get elected

Popular Topics

New Political Jokes

After winning his second political race, Donald Trump announced "I'm the greatest racist of all time"

Strippers are the best political candidates. They poll really well.

Why did Hitler win every political race? Because he's the fascist

What's the difference between comedy and political correctness? One is making light of a dark situation.

The other is making dark of a light situation.

Why can’t sunglasses have political opinions? Because they’re so polarizing

A contest for political jokes is held in a communist country. Main prize: 20 years

I used to think political jokes would go for the left. I was Right.

I learned today that taxi's are now a hot political topic. I called for acab and all the conservatives got pissed.

What's the difference between taekwondo and political lobbying? One has back kicks the other has kick backs.

What do you call a political movement in a Pakistani factory? A child labor party

I always have heavy security at my far-left political rallies... It's dangerous to have unprotected sects.

"Our message during quarantine is clear," said the political figure. We all need to come together while staying away from each other.

How about instead of political parties... ...we have pizza parties

I am not very political but it seem to me that Trump's suggestion to drink Chlorox bleach... is grounds for Imbleachment.

I'm not trying to sound political and all but Hillbilly is short for Hilliam William

News: Trump saves lives Of immigrants. By quarantining the USA.

(Just a satirical joke folks, not a political comment.)

What do you call a cross between a political ethicist, a wizard and an alien ? GhandAlf

You know the problem with political jokes? They get elected.

--Henry Cate.

The situation in Finland is constantly worsening Finland has recently undergone political and economical distress, and are willing to become a part of Russia. We will no longer be able to see the Finnish line.

I do not believe in political jokes. Too many of them have been getting elected.

My son is taking part in a political social experiment... He has to wear a Bernie 2020 t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far he's be spit on, punched and had a wine bottle thrown at him!



I am curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

In "political history", the first word is political the rest is history

What's electrical tapes favorite political hashtag? .#Resist

Programmer with five years experience in servers security and mobile apps for a major political party looking for job . . . . Will be unable to disclose which party under a (NDA) personal nondisclosure clause.

So people have been in a fuss over the Corona virus recently... Why can’t we just call it alcoholism? Political correctness has gone too far, I tell you.

Did you hear about Political Knieval? He tried to jump over all 50 congressmen with a steamroller

Political correctness Q: Why has Scomo given up on doing anything?
A: Because the Pentecostal Angels have sent him a sign by lighting up his spliff from embers in the sky

One of my posts got taken down for being“inappropriate/political” because I used the word liberal How is it political to say “I’m liberal with the amount of kids I fit in my basement”

Have you seen my book of political jokes? I don't know where I leftist

What’s the difference between the political left wing and right wing? It’s the big plane called Air Force One in the middle.

I use geese to spread the right political messages It's a proper gander

How do you call a wizard that works with political marketing? Propagandalf.

Political Joke Bernie Sanders: Hey Trump. Wanna hear a joke?

Trump: Sure

Bernie: A second presidential term

Trump: I don’t get it.

Bernie: Exactly.

What is the ultra conservative political party called in Jamaica? Rasta-far-right

Did you hear about the Rabbi that ran for political office? He ran a schmear campaign.

How did they solve the political stalemate? They played Barack Paper Scissors

What's the difference between skateboard tricks and my political views? Nothing, people call them "sick" and "radical".

Generic political joke One-sided anti-American punchline

Why did the pirate not like the old video game with a liberal-leaning political message? It was hard to port

Do you know the far right-wing green political party ? Their program : kill immigrants to make compost

Popular Topics

Long Political Jokes

In the light of recent CIA news, here is an old Soviet joke.

Three guys travel in the same room in a long distance sleeper train. One guy is reading a newspaper, while the other two tell political anecdotes. The first guy decides to prank them. He steps out, and orders three cups of tea to be brought in their room in exactly 10 minutes. Then he comes back into the room, sits down and says after 9 minutes:

- You know, you should not really be telling political anecdotes just like that. KGB has every room wiretapped here.

- Come on, it's bullshit. Nothing to worry about - answer the guys.

- No no, KGB really hears everything you are saying. Here, let me show you.

The guys snaps his fingers and says: Comrade Major, three cups of tea, please!

In a few seconds, train staff bring the tea in.

The two guys are totally shocked. They shut up quickly. Soon, all three go to bed.

Next morning the pranker guy wakes up alone in the room. He goes out and asks the train staff, where those two guys went.

- Oh, KGB took them last night.

The guy asks, totally terrified: How come, they let me off?!

The train staff answer: Well, Comrade Major really like your tea prank!

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.

The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:

"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."

His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.

After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.

The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.

The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.

The receptionist responds:

"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."

Three friends walk into a hotel room in Soviet Russia

Two first men are open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.

The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:

"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."

His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.

After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.

The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.

The man is horrified. He ponders why he was spared.

The receptionist responds:

"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."

A biker is passing the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.” The biker replies, “Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, “Well, I’m a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… so, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.”

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.”

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.'

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.'

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.

49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn).

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs.

44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.

12 to post F.

8 to ask what F means.

36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.

6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.

50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.

The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:

"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."

His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.

After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.

The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.

The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.

The receptionist responds:

"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been three times. I wish I could be taken seriously as an actor."

They think about it for a few minutes, and Stallone says, "We should do a serious film. A historical."

Arnold grins his huge toothy grin, immediately warming to the idea. "A period piece. That's a great way for our acting comebacks to be taken seriously."

Stallone, as the film auteur, keeps working on it. "We want people to be emotionally affected by it. Music really moves people. Can we do something about music?"

Schwarzenegger agrees. "We could do classical music. You're Italian; you could play an Italian composer."

Sylvester says, "I'll play Vivaldi!"

Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach."

A schoolboy rescues President Trump

A schoolboy walking home from school see Donald Trump* drowning in a pond. He dives him and saves him.

The president is very grateful and offers him a gift as a reward.

"All I want is a wheelchair" says the boy.

“A wheelchair? Why do you need a wheelchair?” the president asks.

“Well,” the boy explains, “when my old man finds out I rescued you from drowning, he's gonna break both my legs.”

*(Edit: This is a joke. Replace name of Political figure you don't like for taste).

In a hotel room at night, two neighbors do not let a third one fall asleep...

At night in a hotel room, two neighbors do not let a third one fall asleep: they tell various political jokes. He tries to scare them:


"The KGB is listening to everything here!"


Those two just laugh and continue. Then he goes out and asks the room attendant to bring to the room three cups of coffee exactly five minutes later.

He returns, leans to the ashtray and says:

"Comrade Major! Three cups of coffee to our room, please!”


The attendant brings coffee. Stunned neighbors go to bed.


In the morning the joker wakes up alone. He asks the attendant where his neighbors are. She replies:


"At night, the KGB swooped in and took them!”


“And they did not take me? Why?”


“Comrade Major said he liked your ashtray joke.”

An old political joke from Imperial Russia (reign of Nicholas II)

A man yells in the street: "Nicholas is a moron!". He is taken away by the police on charges of lese majeste (insulting the monarch). He tells the policemen "Please let me go, I meant another Nicholas!". The police chief replies: "Do not lie. If you said 'moron', you certainly meant the Czar!"

I recently met a Chinese man and his name was Kannaswami.

I asked him: "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"

He said: "Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil refugee.
The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked "What is your name?" He replied "Kannaswami".

Then she looked at me and asked "What's your name?"

I said, "Sem Ting".

Soviet Russian Roulette

Soviet comrade, US guy and French fella sit around, drinking and telling stories, bragging around how much of daredevils they are.

French guy starts telling how brave he and his fellas are - "You know what? In Paris we play Russian Roulette with my buddies. We gather in a group of 6 pals and go to brothel, where we get 6 girls and spend the night with them without any protection, knowing that at least one of them has AIDS".

"PFFFT" goes the US guy and with pretentious faces tells his acquaintances: "you know guys, in Texas we have a tradition among my friends, to play Russian Roulette - we take a colt revolver, load 1 out of 6 bullets in it, roll the drum, point the gun at our heads and pull the trigger - and you know what? I'ma lucky guy, I've played this 4 times and I'm still alive!".

Soviet comrade finishes his vodka shot, and in calm voice with thick accent says: "well, that one has 5 out of 6 chanches, not that hard. Me and my comrades in Moscow, we play Soviet Russian Roulette". Both French and US dudes start asking, "come on, that's something new, tell us what it is". Soviet comrade answers:

"Well, it's not very extreme you see - all we do is gather with 5 pals and come to one of us, buy vodka and drink it sitting in the small kitchen, telling jokes".

Both French and US guy wonder: "So where's the danger in that, drinking vodka, telling jokes". Soviet comrade answers:

"You see, we tell political jokes knowing that 1 out of 6 boys in the room is KGB officer".

Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin are taking a coffee break in Yalta...

Churchill takes out a small black notebook and starts writing something down.

"Taking notes?", Roosevelt asks.

"No," Churchill says, "I heard a new political joke about myself this morning. I collect all jokes about myself. I already have over 100 in this notebook."

"How funny," Stalin says. "I collect all jokes about myself too."

"Oh, really?" Churchill says. "So how many have you got?"

"Three prison camps so far."

Karl Marx as a student

In University, Karl Marx's Political Economics professor noted that every day, the young man would get up halfway through class and walk out, which caused a good deal of disruption. The professor quickly grew tired of the daily distraction, and so one day, as Marx stood up and prepared to leave, the professor stopped lecturing and turned to him.

"I am curious, Mr. Marx, what it is about my teaching you find so intolerable that you cannot sit through more than half of any given lecture."

Karl looked surprised for a moment, but quickly understood what the problem was, and said, "Oh, no, sir, it's nothing like that. See, I have a class on "Proletariat ideology" that starts in five minutes, and I'll be dropped from the course if I'm late."

The professor was confused. "You mean to tell me that the University registered you for two courses during the same time?"

"Yes, sir," Marx responded. "So it's nothing personal. Just a class conflict."

A North Korean Judge walks out of the courtroom, laughing his head off

His friend approaches him and asks “what’s so funny?”

“Oh, I just heard the funniest political joke.” replies the Judge.

“Tell Me!”

“I can’t - I just gave someone life in prison for it!”

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.”

The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, “Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies “I’m a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I’m voting for Trump.”

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

“TRUMP SUPPORTER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH”

EDIT: Improved punchline per u/none31415 suggestion

English Weather

I just read something about weather in England:

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as _'English Weather'._

In order to no longer offend a sizable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as _'Muslim Weather'_ -- partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

A child falls into a lion pit at the zoo...

The crowd is shocked, but a man jumps into the pit, punches the lion, and returns the child to safety. Another man runs up to the hero and says "I'm a reporter for the New York Times, and what you did is incredible! This deserves to be on the front page tomorrow, just tell me what your occupation is and your political affiliation is."

The hero replied "I'm a marine, and I'm a Republican." The next day, the front page of the New York Times reads

"REPUBLICAN MARINE PUNCHES AFRICAN IMMIGRANT, STEALS LUNCH"

Marx as a Student

In University, Karl Marx's Political Economics professor noted that every day, the young man would get up halfway through class and walk out, which caused a good deal of disruption. The professor quickly grew tired of the daily distraction, and so one day, as Marx stood up and prepared to leave, the professor stopped lecturing and turned to him.

"I am curious, Mr. Marx, what it is about my teaching you find so intolerable that you cannot sit through more than half of any given lecture."

Karl looked surprised for a moment, but quickly understood what the problem was, and said, "Oh, no, sir, it's nothing like that. See, I have a class on "Proletariat ideology" that starts in five minutes, and I'll be dropped from the course if I'm late."

The professor was confused. "You mean to tell me that the University registered you for two courses during the same time?"

"Yes, sir," Marx responded. "So it's nothing personal. Just a class conflict."

Political joke good joke

A politician is visiting a local school.

In one class, he asks the students if anyone could give him an example of a ‘tragedy’. Mohan stands up and says, ‘If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy.’

‘No,’ the politician says. ‘That would be an accident.’

Asha raises her hand. ‘If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone mvolvedw that would be a tragedy.’

‘I’m afraid not. That is what we would call a great loss.’

The room is silent, none of the other children volunteer. ‘What?’ asks the politician, ‘isn’t there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’

Finally, Rahul raises his hand. In a timid voice, he ' says, ‘If an airplane carrying you was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy.’

‘Wonderful! Marvellous! And can you tell 'me why that would be a tragedy?’

‘Well,’ says R'ahul, ‘because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss!’

Popular Topics