I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him. I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.
A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing.
'He’s like a fish out of water.’
‘You mean he’s having trouble adjusting?’
‘No, I mean he’s dead.’
Why do all polish names end in ski?
Because they can't spell toboggan
(This joke brought to you by a 90 yr old polish man I take care of at a nursing home)
A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing...
'He's like a fish out of water.'
'You mean he's having trouble adjusting?'
'No, I mean he's dead.'
What did the pencil say to the suspicious piece of paper?
I dot my i's on you!
-Heard this from an 85 year old lady in a nursing facility. The mental image of this joke is quite funny!
So my family and I go past a nursing home... There are balloons on the sign. My wife says "maybe someone had a birthday", my daughter says "maybe it's for a fundraiser", and then my son says "maybe someone they didn't like died and they are celebrating"
We put Granddad into a nursing home yesterday
I called Grandma to see how he was doing.
"Oh, dear, he's like a fish out of water!" she told me.
"Is he finding hard to adjust?" I asked.
"No, he's dead."
I was at a bar last night nursing a beer But I stopped after an hour because my nipple was getting too soggy
What do you call it when a guy named Jerry sleeps with three senior citizens in a nursing home in one night? A Jerry Hat Trick
Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables? In an American nursing home.
You'd think nursing a child would go by quickly… …but it feels like a maternity.
My nursing home golf team won again... We had the least amount of strokes!
My mom was checking out some glossy brochures to travel to a place she’s never been where she’d be waited on hand and foot 24/7 with all inclusive dining and entertainment I agreed and put her in a nursing home
What do you call a nursing home with a buffet? A Golden Corral.
What did the old man say to the prettiest nurse at the nursing home? "Help! I've fallen for you and I can't get it up!"
What did the grapes say to their parents after they put them into a nursing home? Thanks for raisin us
Did you hear about Nursing Home Sports League Everyone gets atrophy at the end of the season.
Exercise can add years to your life. This enables you, at 95 years, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7,000 a month.
What's the most popular game at a nursing home? Guess who
I sang Danny Boy at the nursing home the other day There wasn't a dry seat in the house.
I just learned how to Draw Blood in Nursing school! It's real easy, you just need something that writes in red!
What do you get when you flip off a blind man, and cuss out a deaf man? Fired from your nursing job.
Does anyone know any good renal/kidney jokes? I'm in nursing school right now and there's a competition in one of my classes for the funniest renal joke. I can't think of any! Help?
I donate money to single mothers going to nursing school... One dollar at a time.
I was gunna write the great American nursing home romance novel... ....but the title "50 Shades of Grey" was already taken.
There are two old men at a nursing home
One of them turns to the other and asks "Do you wear boxers or briefs?"
The other man responds "Depends"
I used to work at a nursing home full of handicapped people But I quit, because I could not stand them.
I asked my Mom what she wanted for Mother's Day. She said, "Thanks son, but all I want is a bit of caring and looking after." So I put her in a nursing home.
I watched the US Presidential Debate last night, but I don't know if it was worth it If I wanted to watch two old men fighting and screaming at each other, I would have just gone to bingo night at the local nursing home.
What does trail mix have in common with a nursing home? They're both filled with nuts
We moved my 87 year old grandma into a nursing facility run by nuns It's assistered living
You can major in 5 things in college: science, engineering, business, nursing, or unemployment.
What’s the difference between The White House and a nursing home for the senile? The White House smells worse.
What do nursing homes smell like? Depends...
A Jewish Nursing Students Final Exam
A nursing student, by the name of Esther is at her final nursing exam.
The examiner asks Esther, "How would you bathe the genitals?"
She replies, "The same way I would bathe the jews."
I just got a job as a senior director in a nursing home. I tell old people where to go.
A conservative, a guns-rights activist, a pro-life demonstrator and a Trum supporter walk into a bar. The bartender says: \- I'm sorry, gentlemen! The nursing home is right across the road.