Nursing Jokes

Funny Nursing Jokes
Score: 266

I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him. I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.

Score: 185

A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing. 'He’s like a fish out of water.’

‘You mean he’s having trouble adjusting?’

‘No, I mean he’s dead.’

Score: 114

Why do all polish names end in ski? Because they can't spell toboggan
(This joke brought to you by a 90 yr old polish man I take care of at a nursing home)

Score: 55

A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing... 'He's like a fish out of water.'

'You mean he's having trouble adjusting?'

'No, I mean he's dead.'

-Mike Close-

Score: 45

What did the pencil say to the suspicious piece of paper? I dot my i's on you!

-Heard this from an 85 year old lady in a nursing facility. The mental image of this joke is quite funny!

Score: 25

So my family and I go past a nursing home... There are balloons on the sign. My wife says "maybe someone had a birthday", my daughter says "maybe it's for a fundraiser", and then my son says "maybe someone they didn't like died and they are celebrating"

Score: 19

We put Granddad into a nursing home yesterday I called Grandma to see how he was doing.

"Oh, dear, he's like a fish out of water!" she told me.

"Is he finding hard to adjust?" I asked.

"No, he's dead."

Score: 16

I was at a bar last night nursing a beer But I stopped after an hour because my nipple was getting too soggy

Score: 15

What do you call it when a guy named Jerry sleeps with three senior citizens in a nursing home in one night? A Jerry Hat Trick

Score: 14

Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables? In an American nursing home.

Score: 12

You'd think nursing a child would go by quickly… …but it feels like a maternity.

Score: 9

My nursing home golf team won again... We had the least amount of strokes!

Score: 9

My mom was checking out some glossy brochures to travel to a place she’s never been where she’d be waited on hand and foot 24/7 with all inclusive dining and entertainment I agreed and put her in a nursing home

Score: 9

What do you call a nursing home with a buffet? A Golden Corral.

Score: 8

What did the old man say to the prettiest nurse at the nursing home? "Help! I've fallen for you and I can't get it up!"

Score: 8

What did the grapes say to their parents after they put them into a nursing home? Thanks for raisin us

Score: 7

Did you hear about Nursing Home Sports League Everyone gets atrophy at the end of the season.

Score: 5

Exercise can add years to your life. This enables you, at 95 years, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7,000 a month.

Score: 5

What's the most popular game at a nursing home? Guess who

Score: 5

I sang Danny Boy at the nursing home the other day There wasn't a dry seat in the house.

Score: 5

I just learned how to Draw Blood in Nursing school! It's real easy, you just need something that writes in red!

Score: 4

What do you get when you flip off a blind man, and cuss out a deaf man? Fired from your nursing job.

Score: 4

Does anyone know any good renal/kidney jokes? I'm in nursing school right now and there's a competition in one of my classes for the funniest renal joke. I can't think of any! Help?

Score: 3

I donate money to single mothers going to nursing school... One dollar at a time.

Score: 3

I was gunna write the great American nursing home romance novel... ....but the title "50 Shades of Grey" was already taken.

Score: 3

There are two old men at a nursing home One of them turns to the other and asks "Do you wear boxers or briefs?"

The other man responds "Depends"

Score: 3

I used to work at a nursing home full of handicapped people But I quit, because I could not stand them.

Score: 3

I asked my Mom what she wanted for Mother's Day. She said, "Thanks son, but all I want is a bit of caring and looking after." So I put her in a nursing home.

Score: 3

I watched the US Presidential Debate last night, but I don't know if it was worth it If I wanted to watch two old men fighting and screaming at each other, I would have just gone to bingo night at the local nursing home‬.

Score: 3

We moved my 87 year old grandma into a nursing facility run by nuns It's assistered living

Score: 2

Best response by a nursing home patient ever. I asked my patient, "how ya feelin today"?

He whispers while still half asleep, "with my fingers."

Score: 2

What’s the difference between The White House and a nursing home for the senile? The White House smells worse.

Score: 1

What do nursing homes smell like? Depends...

Score: 1

A Jewish Nursing Students Final Exam A nursing student, by the name of Esther is at her final nursing exam.

The examiner asks Esther, "How would you bathe the genitals?"

She replies, "The same way I would bathe the jews."

Score: 1

I just got a job as a senior director in a nursing home. I tell old people where to go.

Score: 1

A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing. ‘ He’s like a fish out of water.’

‘You mean he’s having trouble adjusting?’

‘No, I mean he’s dead.’

Score: 0

A conservative, a guns-rights activist, a pro-life demonstrator and a Trum supporter walk into a bar. The bartender says: \- I'm sorry, gentlemen! The nursing home is right across the road.

Score: 0

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