Woman Jokes

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Funniest Woman Jokes

What weighs more? 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman? The woman. They always lie about their weight.

Score: 14774

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection. The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

Score: 14598

Making love to a woman is like playing a violin… I don't know how to do it…

Score: 12473

Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you... An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.

Score: 11265

Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant. Woman: Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!

Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.

FP Edit: RIP my inbox

Score: 11196

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Edit: I'm a pirate, so it works in first-person

Score: 11171

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. "Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

Score: 10431
Funny Woman Jokes
Score: 10421

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78... Because then the man is left with only $0.22...


EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

Score: 10173

What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman? Getting her husband's voice just right

Score: 9617

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement... ...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".

Score: 9403

Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.

Score: 9187

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her "First offender?"
She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

Score: 9020

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

Score: 8524

A lot of woman actually turn into good drivers So if you're a good driver watch out.

Score: 7940

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Score: 7563

A woman starts to scream while giving birth. ​

"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

Score: 3552

What do a grenade and a woman have in common? You remove the ring and your whole house is gone

Score: 3371

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time? A widow.

Score: 3228

Arrested for being too good in bed! My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"


After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

Score: 3065

Shouldn't Iron man be a woman? After all he is a Fe-Male.

Score: 2740

I hope Death is a woman That way it will never come for me

Score: 2605

A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater. She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.

Score: 2583

The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me! On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.

Score: 2521

How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

Score: 2389

To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night: I'm not letting you out.

Score: 2324

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.

Score: 2275

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Score: 2237

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

Score: 2128

I like my woman like I like my Laptop On my lap , turned on ,Virus free

Score: 2123

An African American woman has 5 son's, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone. How do you tell them apart? By their last names.

Score: 722

Why did the blind woman fall into the well? Because she couldn't see that well.

Score: 712

Can a woman be the president of Russia? No because Putin is not a woman

Score: 451

A woman in her twenties sees a large black man walking by and decides to flirt with him. “So is it true what they say about black guys?” He responds, “Sure is.” Then he punched her in the face and stole her purse.

Score: 438

My wife looked at herself in the mirror and said to me... 'All I see is a fat, ugly woman, can you say something nice about me to make me feel better'

'Of course' I replied 'Your eyesight is perfect'

Score: 339

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" "Don't worry," said the doc. "those are just contractions."

Score: 317

A woman searches for something in the living room. After an hour, worried, she asks her husband:

- Have you seen my book?

- Which one?

- How to live to become 100 years old.

- Ah yes. Yesterday, i threw it away.

- But why?

- Your mother started reading it...

Score: 296

I saw a poor old woman slip over on some ice the other day... ... at least I think she was poor; she only had $3 in her purse.

Score: 246

Who was the sexiest woman in Greek myth? Actually, it was Medusa. One look from her made guys rock hard.

Score: 245

Why do jewish men get circumcised? Because a jewish woman wouldn't touch anything unless it's 20% off.

Score: 238

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New Woman Jokes

Once a woman gave birth to a very ugly baby When the nurse showed it to her, she told her husband:

-Look at this, isn't it a treasure?

The husband replied:

-Of course it is, bring a shovel and lets bury it

Score: 13

A woman who was in labor started randomly shouting, "Can't! Don't! Shouldn't! Wouldn't!" The doctor said...."Don't worry...those are just contractions!"

Score: 16

A woman was in labor and shouted out "Can't! Wouldn't! Don't! Shouldn't!" The doctor said, "don't worry, it's just contractions."

Score: 17

What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman ? Iron man is a superhero while iron woman is a command.

Score: 11

A blond man walks into a bar He sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself, so he goes over to introduce himself.

"Hello miss, my name is Billy. Can I buy you a drink?"

She says, "I'm Amanda."

The man says, "Oh, I'm sorry to bother you, sir." and leaves.

Score: 13

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" The concerned father-to-be asked, "Doctor, what's going on?"

​

The doctor said, "Don't worry, those are just contractions."

​

Score: 110

Yesterday I heard a woman shouting on the street toward her boyfriend "All men are dogs" An old man popped his head out of the window and replied,

##"Who told you to try them all??"

Score: 22

Today I gave a blind old woman my seat on the bus. That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Score: 12

I'm a guy who's into Star Wars, Star Trek and Doctor Who. Can you guess what I'm not into right now? A woman.

Score: 13

How much religious experience does a woman need to be a part of the church? Nun.

Score: 26

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”

Score: 95

What do you call a woman in an Iron Man suit? Fe-Male

Score: 21

I asked a pregnant woman if I could feel the baby She said that I could, but once I started rolling my sleeve up past my elbow she ran away. Rude.

Score: 100

What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? Iron Man is a super hero and Iron Woman is a command.

Score: 14

A woman walked into a bar and said to the barman, ‘I’d like a Double Entendre.’ So he gave her one.

Score: 13

I asked my wife if a second woman could come in bed with us She asked who the first was

Score: 37

With women being able to drive in Saudi Arabia, they will open a woman-only taxi service. It'll be called NiCab.

Score: 24

What is the difference between a woman and a laundry machine? The laundry machine doesn't follow you around after you dump a load in it.

Score: 11

An Indian woman jumps up mid flight and shouts 'is there a doctor on the plane?' A nice, serious guy approaches quickly and says 'i'm a doctor, what's the problem?'

She replies 'Would you like to meet my daughter?'

Score: 68

An officer pulls over a speeding blonde woman After she rolls down her window, he asks her to take out her license.



She angrily exclaims "Yesterday you guys took away my license and now you expect me to have it on me?"

Score: 30

Today a woman called me "the most sexist man she'd ever met" When will these dumb broads understand that "sexiest" is spelled with two E's and not one?

Score: 19

How are a woman and a tornado similar? They start off sucking and blowing but then in the end you lose your house.

Score: 38

What do you call a deaf woman during a solar eclipse. Whatever you want to. It's not like she's going to know.

Score: 15

Blonde and the Airlines A blonde rings up an airline and asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."

The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

Score: 44

To the woman I met in the bar last night who was mad at me this morning I never said I had a PhD in theoretical physics. I said I had a theoretical PhD in physics.

Score: 25

Where would man be without a woman? In the garden of Eden.

Score: 105

I used to feel that I was a man trapped in a woman's body... Then my mother gave birth.

Score: 196

What do a good woman and KFC have in common? After nibbling the breast and thighs there's a greasy box to put your bone in.

Score: 13

went to the same bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...

Score: 18

Obama used the race card. Hillary used the woman card. America used the Trump card.

Score: 32

How do you get an 80 year old woman to say f***? Have another 80 year old woman yell "bingo!"

Score: 39

What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? When you're done with the breast and thighs, the only thing left is a greasy box to put your bone in

Score: 13

Whats the difference between Iron Man and iron woman? One is a superhero the other is a simple instruction

Score: 111

A couple is lying in bed. The husband says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."The wife replies,... ..."I'll miss you."

Score: 22

When I get heavier, I am actually easier to pick up. What am I? A woman

Score: 41

A woman site down next to a man in a bar and says, "You smell good, What do you have on?" The man says, "I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it."

Score: 13

I was sitting next to a woman on a flight and asked her... >Does the airline company charge you for flying next to good looking men?

She responded with

>Yes, but this time I decided not to pay

Score: 10

A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi... and asks, "Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?"

The wise old Rabbi answers, "Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one."

Score: 26

What do a pregnant woman, a burned pizza and a frozen beer have in common? In all three cases somebody took it out TOO LATE

Score: 14

Italian restaurant. I went to my local Italian restaurant last night, but there was a large fat woman standing at the entrance.

I couldn't get pasta.

Score: 26

What do you call Chinese woman with one leg? Irene.

Score: 12

A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing. 'He’s like a fish out of water.’

‘You mean he’s having trouble adjusting?’

‘No, I mean he’s dead.’

Score: 114

A Martini is like a woman's breast... One is not enough, and three is too many.

Score: 14

I hate it when people bother me... I'm tired of people ringing my doorbell at all hours of the day and night, asking for donations. This morning it was some woman from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful!

Score: 30

A joke from my 84yo patient earlier today... When a man and a woman get married, they apply for a marriage license. When two lesbians tie the knot, what do they get?


A liquor license! (read it out loud)

Score: 12

If a man and a woman get married in Tennessee then move to Texas and get divorced… Are they still brother and sister?

Score: 214

Woman driver is like a star on the sky You see her, she doesn't see you.

Score: 11

A 75 year old rich man marries a 20-yo beautiful woman... And a friend of his comes to ask how did he manage to pull that off.

"I told her I was 90".

Score: 226

What did the woman say to the vampire when she woke up with her period? "I made you breakfast in bed!"

Score: 20

This guy walks out of the bathroom when... This guy walks out of the bathroom when a woman says, "Excuse me sir, but your garage door is open."
The guy then replies, "Oh, really? Did you see my Harley?"
She says back, "No, just a small bike, with two flat tires."

Score: 28

An old lady gets into an accident with a midget... ...he gets out of the car, obviously furious, and stomps toward the old woman. "I am *not* happy," he growls.
The old woman, calm as can be, says:
"Well, which one are you, then?"

Score: 58

I just received a chain letter and if I don't re-send it a dead woman will appear in my closet.... Guess who's getting laid tonight.

Score: 221

I hear the woman who gave her toddler Botox treatments lost custody because of it. Her daughter didn't look surprised.

Score: 34

A naked lady goes to a bar, asks for a drink A naked lady goes to a bar, asks for a drink.
Bartender stares at her. Lady said, "Never seen a nude woman?"
Bartender replied, "Nah, just wondering, how are you going to pay?"

Score: 188

Q:What does it taste like when you go down on an 80 year old woman? A:Depends

Score: 11

That awkward moment... ...when the woman you're dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, then you realise she just lost an earring...and that no one else in Starbucks can hear your iPod.

Score: 15

A black woman named Latisha has three boys all named LeSean. How does she tell them apart? Their last names!

Score: 17

What does a 74 year old woman taste like? Depends.

Score: 25

A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing... 'He's like a fish out of water.'

'You mean he's having trouble adjusting?'

'No, I mean he's dead.'

-Mike Close-

Score: 45

What's the difference between a hockey team and a Russian woman? The hockey team showers after three periods.

Score: 21

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