Woman Jokes

Contents

Funniest Woman Jokes

What weighs more? 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman? The woman. They always lie about their weight.

Score: 14774

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection. The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

Score: 14598

Making love to a woman is like playing a violin… I don't know how to do it…

Score: 12473

Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you... An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.

Score: 11265

Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant. Woman: Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!

Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.

FP Edit: RIP my inbox

Score: 11196

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Edit: I'm a pirate, so it works in first-person

Score: 11171

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. "Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

Score: 10431
Funny Woman Jokes
Score: 10421

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78... Because then the man is left with only $0.22...


EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

Score: 10173

What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman? Getting her husband's voice just right

Score: 9617

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement... ...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".

Score: 9403

Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.

Score: 9187

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her "First offender?"
She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

Score: 9020

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

Score: 8524

A lot of woman actually turn into good drivers So if you're a good driver watch out.

Score: 7940

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Score: 7563

A woman starts to scream while giving birth. ​

"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

Score: 3552

What do a grenade and a woman have in common? You remove the ring and your whole house is gone

Score: 3371

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time? A widow.

Score: 3228

Arrested for being too good in bed! My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"


After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

Score: 3065

Shouldn't Iron man be a woman? After all he is a Fe-Male.

Score: 2740

I hope Death is a woman That way it will never come for me

Score: 2605

A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater. She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.

Score: 2583

The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me! On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.

Score: 2521

How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

Score: 2389

To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night: I'm not letting you out.

Score: 2324

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.

Score: 2275

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Score: 2237

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

Score: 2128

I like my woman like I like my Laptop On my lap , turned on ,Virus free

Score: 2123

Can a woman be the president of Russia? No because Putin is not a woman

Score: 451

A woman in her twenties sees a large black man walking by and decides to flirt with him. “So is it true what they say about black guys?” He responds, “Sure is.” Then he punched her in the face and stole her purse.

Score: 438

What would you call a Crossover between Wonder Woman and Transformers? Amazon Prime.

Score: 351

My wife looked at herself in the mirror and said to me... 'All I see is a fat, ugly woman, can you say something nice about me to make me feel better'

'Of course' I replied 'Your eyesight is perfect'

Score: 339

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" "Don't worry," said the doc. "those are just contractions."

Score: 317

I saw a poor old woman slip over on some ice the other day... ... at least I think she was poor; she only had $3 in her purse.

Score: 246

Why do jewish men get circumcised? Because a jewish woman wouldn't touch anything unless it's 20% off.

Score: 238

A 75 year old rich man marries a 20-yo beautiful woman... And a friend of his comes to ask how did he manage to pull that off.

"I told her I was 90".

Score: 226

I just received a chain letter and if I don't re-send it a dead woman will appear in my closet.... Guess who's getting laid tonight.

Score: 221

If a man and a woman get married in Tennessee then move to Texas and get divorced… Are they still brother and sister?

Score: 214

New Woman Jokes

Once a woman gave birth to a very ugly baby When the nurse showed it to her, she told her husband:

-Look at this, isn't it a treasure?

The husband replied:

-Of course it is, bring a shovel and lets bury it

Score: 13

I saw a beautiful woman at the market today, but the skirt she wore kept reminding me of my mother Must've been a Freudian slip

Score: 9

A woman who was in labor started randomly shouting, "Can't! Don't! Shouldn't! Wouldn't!" The doctor said...."Don't worry...those are just contractions!"

Score: 16

A woman was in labor and shouted out "Can't! Wouldn't! Don't! Shouldn't!" The doctor said, "don't worry, it's just contractions."

Score: 17

What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman ? Iron man is a superhero while iron woman is a command.

Score: 11

How can you tell if a mechanic has just gotten freaky with a woman? He’s got one clean finger.

Score: 9

What is difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? First one is superhero. Second one is command.

Score: 10

A blond man walks into a bar He sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself, so he goes over to introduce himself.

"Hello miss, my name is Billy. Can I buy you a drink?"

She says, "I'm Amanda."

The man says, "Oh, I'm sorry to bother you, sir." and leaves.

Score: 13

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" The concerned father-to-be asked, "Doctor, what's going on?"

​

The doctor said, "Don't worry, those are just contractions."

​

Score: 110

Yesterday I heard a woman shouting on the street toward her boyfriend "All men are dogs" An old man popped his head out of the window and replied,

##"Who told you to try them all??"

Score: 22

Today I gave a blind old woman my seat on the bus. That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Score: 12

I'm a guy who's into Star Wars, Star Trek and Doctor Who. Can you guess what I'm not into right now? A woman.

Score: 13

How much religious experience does a woman need to be a part of the church? Nun.

Score: 26

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”

Score: 95

What do you call a woman in an Iron Man suit? Fe-Male

Score: 21

It was really romantic to see an 85 year old man and 77 year old woman who were a couple for 65 years. It was horrifying when I did the math.

Score: 10

I asked a pregnant woman if I could feel the baby She said that I could, but once I started rolling my sleeve up past my elbow she ran away. Rude.

Score: 100

What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? Iron Man is a super hero and Iron Woman is a command.

Score: 14

A woman walked into a bar and said to the barman, ‘I’d like a Double Entendre.’ So he gave her one.

Score: 13

I asked my wife if a second woman could come in bed with us She asked who the first was

Score: 37

An African woman named Betty went to a butcher and asked for beef. The butcher replied, "No, black Betty! Ham or lamb."

Score: 9

With women being able to drive in Saudi Arabia, they will open a woman-only taxi service. It'll be called NiCab.

Score: 24

What is the difference between a woman and a laundry machine? The laundry machine doesn't follow you around after you dump a load in it.

Score: 11

A solar eclipse is like watching a woman breastfeed in public It's beautiful, it's free, but under no circumstances should you look at it.

Score: 10

What do you call a 27 year old woman in Mississippi? Grandma

Score: 18

I, too, have a Jewish friend, and he told me this one... What's the difference between a Jewish woman and a Latina?



A Latina has fake jewelry and real orgasms.

Score: 164

An officer pulls over a speeding blonde woman After she rolls down her window, he asks her to take out her license.



She angrily exclaims "Yesterday you guys took away my license and now you expect me to have it on me?"

Score: 30

How are a woman and a tornado similar? They start off sucking and blowing but then in the end you lose your house.

Score: 38

If Wonder Woman is the best female warrior Would that make her Amazon Prime?

Score: 67

Blonde and the Airlines A blonde rings up an airline and asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."

The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

Score: 44

A woman is about to jump off a bridge. A physicist walks by and says, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Score: 31

This woman is trying to get me fired for giving inappropriate massages in the office. Good luck with that, lady. I don't even work here.

Score: 35

A pregnant woman was in line ahead of me at the store... Out of no where, she starts giggling.

I asked, "Are you okay, ma'am?"

"Oh yes, I'm fine. My baby just told a joke."

"A joke? Seriously? What did it say?"

She replied, "Oh, I'm not sure you'd get it. It was an inside joke."

Score: 49

Obama used the race card. Hillary used the woman card. America used the Trump card.

Score: 32

A joke from Korea "Americans are saying that in 2016, they will either have their first woman president, or their first insane president.

Like what's the big deal? Korea did both in one election cycle back in 2012"

Score: 10

Did you hear about the woman who died in an Italian restaurant? She pasta way.

Score: 77

When I get heavier, I am actually easier to pick up. What am I? A woman

Score: 41

A woman site down next to a man in a bar and says, "You smell good, What do you have on?" The man says, "I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it."

Score: 13

I was sitting next to a woman on a flight and asked her... >Does the airline company charge you for flying next to good looking men?

She responded with

>Yes, but this time I decided not to pay

Score: 10

An old married couple wins 10 million dollars from the lottery. "What shall we do with all these letters begging for money?" the woman asks her husband.

"Keep sending them!"

Score: 9

A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi... and asks, "Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?"

The wise old Rabbi answers, "Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one."

Score: 26

What do a pregnant woman, a burned pizza and a frozen beer have in common? In all three cases somebody took it out TOO LATE

Score: 14

Italian restaurant. I went to my local Italian restaurant last night, but there was a large fat woman standing at the entrance.

I couldn't get pasta.

Score: 26

What do you call Chinese woman with one leg? Irene.

Score: 12

A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing. 'He’s like a fish out of water.’

‘You mean he’s having trouble adjusting?’

‘No, I mean he’s dead.’

Score: 114

A Martini is like a woman's breast... One is not enough, and three is too many.

Score: 14

I hate it when people bother me... I'm tired of people ringing my doorbell at all hours of the day and night, asking for donations. This morning it was some woman from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful!

Score: 30

A joke from my 84yo patient earlier today... When a man and a woman get married, they apply for a marriage license. When two lesbians tie the knot, what do they get?


A liquor license! (read it out loud)

Score: 12

Woman driver is like a star on the sky You see her, she doesn't see you.

Score: 11

What did the woman say to the vampire when she woke up with her period? "I made you breakfast in bed!"

Score: 20

This guy walks out of the bathroom when... This guy walks out of the bathroom when a woman says, "Excuse me sir, but your garage door is open."
The guy then replies, "Oh, really? Did you see my Harley?"
She says back, "No, just a small bike, with two flat tires."

Score: 28

An old lady gets into an accident with a midget... ...he gets out of the car, obviously furious, and stomps toward the old woman. "I am *not* happy," he growls.
The old woman, calm as can be, says:
"Well, which one are you, then?"

Score: 58

I hear the woman who gave her toddler Botox treatments lost custody because of it. Her daughter didn't look surprised.

Score: 34

A naked lady goes to a bar, asks for a drink A naked lady goes to a bar, asks for a drink.
Bartender stares at her. Lady said, "Never seen a nude woman?"
Bartender replied, "Nah, just wondering, how are you going to pay?"

Score: 188

Q:What does it taste like when you go down on an 80 year old woman? A:Depends

Score: 11

That awkward moment... ...when the woman you're dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, then you realise she just lost an earring...and that no one else in Starbucks can hear your iPod.

Score: 15

A black woman named Latisha has three boys all named LeSean. How does she tell them apart? Their last names!

Score: 17

What does a 74 year old woman taste like? Depends.

Score: 25

A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing... 'He's like a fish out of water.'

'You mean he's having trouble adjusting?'

'No, I mean he's dead.'

-Mike Close-

Score: 45

What's the difference between a hockey team and a Russian woman? The hockey team showers after three periods.

Score: 21

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