Woman Jokes


Funniest Woman Jokes

What weighs more? 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman? The woman. They always lie about their weight.

Score: 14774

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection. The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

Score: 14598

Making love to a woman is like playing a violin… I don't know how to do it…

Score: 12473

Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you... An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.

Score: 11265

Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant. Woman: Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!

Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.

FP Edit: RIP my inbox

Score: 11196

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Edit: I'm a pirate, so it works in first-person

Score: 11171

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. "Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

Score: 10431
Funny Woman Jokes
Score: 10421

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78... Because then the man is left with only $0.22...

EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

Score: 10173

What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman? Getting her husband's voice just right

Score: 9617

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement... ...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".

Score: 9403

Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.

Score: 9187

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her "First offender?"
She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

Score: 9020

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

Score: 8524

A lot of woman actually turn into good drivers So if you're a good driver watch out.

Score: 7940

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Score: 7563

A woman starts to scream while giving birth. ​

"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

Score: 3552

What do a grenade and a woman have in common? You remove the ring and your whole house is gone

Score: 3371

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time? A widow.

Score: 3228

Arrested for being too good in bed! My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

Score: 3065

Shouldn't Iron man be a woman? After all he is a Fe-Male.

Score: 2740

I hope Death is a woman That way it will never come for me

Score: 2605

A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater. She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.

Score: 2583

The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me! On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.

Score: 2521

How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

Score: 2389

To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night: I'm not letting you out.

Score: 2324

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.

Score: 2275

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Score: 2237

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

Score: 2128

I like my woman like I like my Laptop On my lap , turned on ,Virus free

Score: 2123

My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she said, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”

Score: 2005

An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday. She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.

Score: 1954

A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed. The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.

Score: 1669

A woman screams as she gives birth... "What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. *What is* wrong?"

Score: 1560

How did Rhianna find out that Chris Brown was cheating? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

Score: 1273

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50% Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.

Score: 1122

If there's anything my wife has taught me about being sexist, It's probably wrong because she's a woman.

Score: 1114

An very attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night. And brought it to a table of friends.

Score: 983

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement. In the end, you ignore it all and click “I agree”.

Score: 958

As a woman it's annoying when men think they are better drivers When I'm trying to park I don't need you to offer help every 20 minutes

Score: 917

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New Woman Jokes

Can a woman be the president of Russia? No because Putin is not a woman

Score: 451

What's a pregnant woman, a frozen beer, and a burnt pizza have in common? Some moron didn't pull it out.

Score: 111

Intelligence is the first thing I look for in woman.. Because if she doesn’t have THAT, I may just have a chance.

Score: 388

Nothing beats a beautiful woman that can also sing Well, except Chris Brown.

Score: 375

If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there. If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.

Score: 726

In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Score: 382

I saw a woman driving with her hazards on. And I thought to myself, "At least she's honest."

Score: 615

A woman standing next to an ATM asked me if I can help her check her balance. So I pushed her.

Score: 117

When a woman wears a bikini, they leave 90% of their body exposed. Men, being the gentlemen that we are, only look at the other 10%.

Score: 574

life is like a box of chocolates.... it is destroyed remarkably fast by an emotional woman.

Score: 114

When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman's body. Then I was born.

Score: 185

When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body Then I was born.

Score: 111

An old woman stopped me and asked "Excuse me, can you show me how to get to the hospital"?
I said "No problem"
Then I pushed her under a bus

Score: 305

How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

Score: 389

A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says "I haven't eaten in three days". She replies "where do you get the self control?"

Score: 283

"Looks like you're pregnant" says the doctor -"I'm pregnant?" replies the woman cheerfully
-"No, it just looks like you are"

Score: 216

A Saudi woman in a doctor's clinic. Doctor: Mrs Saud there's a good news for you.
Woman: Excuse me, it's Miss Saud not Mrs Saud.
Doctor: Miss Saud there's a bad news for you.

Score: 117

Last night I went to a costume party dressed as a chicken and met a woman dressed as an egg. One thing led to another ... and a lifelong question was answered.

Score: 196

I, too, have a Jewish friend, and he told me this one... What's the difference between a Jewish woman and a Latina?

A Latina has fake jewelry and real orgasms.

Score: 164

What would you call a Crossover between Wonder Woman and Transformers? Amazon Prime.

Score: 351

I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman. I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

Score: 489

An attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night and brought it to a table of friends.

Score: 642

After my wife died I couldn’t look at a woman for twenty years. But when I got out of prison it was totally worth it.

Score: 590

“Wonder Woman” earned $300 million worldwide in first week. "Wonder Man" earned $400 million for doing the same job.

Score: 408

What do you call an Irish woman with one leg shorter than the other? Ilene.

What do you call a Japanese woman with the same affliction?


Score: 139

My wife looked at herself in the mirror and said to me... 'All I see is a fat, ugly woman, can you say something nice about me to make me feel better'

'Of course' I replied 'Your eyesight is perfect'

Score: 339

Inside every Russian woman… …is another, much smaller, Russian woman.

Score: 108

A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia Librarian: "They're right behind you!!"

Score: 276

I thought opening a door for a woman was polite But she just screamed and flew out of the plane

Score: 297

I love it when my girlfriend says men think with their penises That woman blows my mind

Score: 346

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Score: 271

A woman goes on a date with an NSA employee, And says, "So, tell me about myself."

Score: 715

A woman noticed her husband standing on the weighing scale sucking his stomach “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Score: 120

I started life as a man trapped in a woman's body. And after nine months I was born

Score: 194

So an African woman named Betty walked into a butcher and asked if they had beef. The Butcher replied "No, Black Betty, ham or lamb."

Score: 505

Anagram of "mother in law" Woman Hitler

Score: 269

A woman giddily asks her husband... "Honey, if you could pick any number to represent me, what would it be?"

"Pi," said the husband.

"Oh!" she replied "That's interesting. Does it have something to do with circles?"

"No," he said. "But Pi is irrational, darling."

Score: 332

If you are a man explaining something, you are "mansplaining." If you are a woman explaining something, you are... "Wrong"

Score: 684

Doctor: It's looks like you're pregnant Woman: I'm pregnant??
Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.

Score: 173

I was told by a female friend that I was being sexist and should look at things from a woman's perspective more often But I can't see very much from my kitchen window

Score: 164

I used to be a man in a woman's body. Then I was born.

Score: 264

What does a burnt pizza, a pregnant woman and a frozen beer all have in common? You left it in too long.

Score: 297

How do you arrest a Roman woman? Caesar.

Score: 899

Where would man be without a woman? In the garden of Eden.

Score: 105

A kinky passenger grinningly exposed himself to a stewardess as he boarded the plane. "I'm sorry," said the woman, "but you'll have to show me your ticket, not your stub."

Score: 368

Arguing with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement In the end, you ignore everything and click "I Agree".

Score: 191

Who was the sexiest woman in Greek myth? Actually, it was Medusa. One look from her made guys rock hard.

Score: 245

A woman searches for something in the living room. After an hour, worried, she asks her husband:

- Have you seen my book?

- Which one?

- How to live to become 100 years old.

- Ah yes. Yesterday, i threw it away.

- But why?

- Your mother started reading it...

Score: 296

Woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain. Her husband strokes her back and says, "I'm sorry sweety, you have to go through this"

She says, "Don't worry. It's not your fault."

Score: 157

I married a beautiful woman - a smart one too. Hopefully they’ll never meet.

Score: 289

My wife and I were lying in bed the other day... My hands were slowly finding their way across her body.

I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world."

She whispered back, "I'll miss you."

Score: 118

Whats the difference between Iron Man and iron woman? One is a superhero the other is a simple instruction

Score: 111

I went to see a therapist. I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman."

He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me."

I said, "No."

He said, "You're a woman."

Score: 110

My old Mum used to say, "Always give your food a good rinse before you eat it." Lovely woman, terrible sandwiches.

Score: 200

EXTRA-LARGE CONDOMS A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra-large condoms.
The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy some?"
The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys a box?"

Score: 394

Can a woman make a man a millionaire? Only if he's a billionaire.

Credits to Kevin Hart

Score: 853

I really identify with the trans movement... For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body!

Score: 115

A woman in her twenties sees a large black man walking by and decides to flirt with him. “So is it true what they say about black guys?” He responds, “Sure is.” Then he punched her in the face and stole her purse.

Score: 438

I saw a poor old woman slip over on some ice the other day... ... at least I think she was poor; she only had $3 in her purse.

Score: 246

How do you get an 80-year-old woman to yell, "F**k"? You get another 80-year-old woman right next to her to yell, "Bingo!"

Score: 312

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