Woman Jokes

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Funniest Woman Jokes

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection. The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

Score: 14598

Making love to a woman is like playing a violin… I don't know how to do it…

Score: 12473

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me . On a related note...…………………. I suck at darts.

Score: 11985

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Edit: I'm a pirate, so it works in first-person

Score: 11171

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. "Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

Score: 10431
Funny Woman Jokes
Score: 10421

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78... Because then the man is left with only $0.22...


EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

Score: 10173

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement... ...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".

Score: 9403

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her "First offender?"
She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

Score: 9020

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

Score: 8524

A lot of woman actually turn into good drivers So if you're a good driver watch out.

Score: 7940

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Score: 7563

A woman starts to scream while giving birth. ​

"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

Score: 3552

What do a grenade and a woman have in common? You remove the ring and your whole house is gone

Score: 3371

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time? A widow.

Score: 3228

Arrested for being too good in bed! My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"


After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

Score: 3065

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

Score: 2692

I hope Death is a woman That way it will never come for me

Score: 2605

A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater. She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.

Score: 2583

The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me! On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.

Score: 2521

To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night: I'm not letting you out.

Score: 2324

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Score: 2237

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

Score: 2128

I like my woman like I like my Laptop On my lap , turned on ,Virus free

Score: 2123

An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday. She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.

Score: 1954

If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive... ....they would start to find me attractive.

Score: 1935

I saw a homeless dude and gave him 1$ I saw a homeless woman and gave her 0.77$

Score: 1916

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

Score: 1702

A woman screams as she gives birth... "What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. *What is* wrong?"

Score: 1560

Why did the blind woman fall down the well? Because she couldn't see that well.

Score: 1537

How about an Indian joke? A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"


A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"


She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

Score: 1507

Saw a guy walking with a naked woman on his back. "You OK?" I asked. "Sure. I'm headed to a fancy dress as a tortoise."

"And her?"

"Oh, that's Michelle."

Score: 1447

First woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."

Score: 1383

If I had a dollar for every woman who's seen me naked... ...I could pay that fine I got for indecent exposure.

Score: 1266

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. Because then I would know she is capable of making decisions she will regret in the future.

Score: 1252

What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Score: 1212

A hot naked woman robbed a bank Nobody could remember her face

Score: 1182

Erect your ears for this one A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

Score: 1148

Today I saw a poor, old woman trip and fall. At least, I assume she was poor. She only had $4.75 in her purse.

Score: 1141

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50% Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.

Score: 1122

If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome... I would have one dollar... thanks mom...

Score: 1104

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New Woman Jokes

A woman walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat?" The librarian replies, "It rings a bell, but I don't know if it's here or not."

Score: 59

I saw a 5 legged woman crying and I asked her why She said she could never get shoes to match. I tried to console her so I said “at least your knickers fit like a glove”

Score: 70

The people you meet as a firefighter are really weird sometimes. I met this woman today who kept demanding I shave her baby.

Score: 38

Dark Comedy A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she's seeing someone. It's either really terrible news or really great news.

Score: 59

Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test. She clearly isn’t a fan of protection

Score: 70

A woman walked into a bank and took off her top and pulled out a gun she stole thousands, shame no one could remember her face.

Score: 42

what did the white woman say to the other white woman who confused jay-z for lil wayne? thats ludacris

Score: 44

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

Score: 47

A woman in labour suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" "Don't worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."

Score: 659

One big difference between men and women is... that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice

Score: 160

After my wide died, I couldn’t look at another woman for 18 years But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it

Score: 1003

Why are married women fatter than single women? A single woman looks in her fridge, sees nothing appetizing and goes to bed.

A married women looks in her bed, sees nothing appetizing and goes to the fridge.

Score: 173

A woman in labor suddenly shouted: Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didnt! Can't! "Dont worry" said the docter,"Those are just contractions"

Score: 66

I met a woman who said she was a huge Monkees fan She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical.

Then I saw her place...

Score: 107

A woman in labor suddenly shouted........ A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."

Score: 191

A man walks into an airport and says "cluck cluck bacawk" ...and the woman says "no sir, this is the *check*-in desk"

Score: 120

I finally saw that Wonder Woman movie from a few years back. I think it's really dangerous to let the kids see it. It could give them the impression that DC movies are good.

Score: 42

Husband: I heard a rumor that the mailman has slept with every single woman on our street except one. Wife: I bet it's that snooty Priscilla Jones in Number 7.

Score: 90

What’s a pregnant woman to a cannibal? Kinder surprise.

Score: 53

I know I've never been all that attractive But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague

Score: 55

The secret to a good love life ### Is finding a woman who treats you like a king, one that helps you be a better person, one that you really connect with sexually.

And most important: make sure these three women never, ever meet each other.

Score: 46

A woman said to her husband "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?" So he took her to dinner and a movie, and dropped her off at her parent's house.

Score: 174

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

Score: 223

A woman goes to the doctor after a sudden weight gain... The doctor looks over her test results, then looks at the woman and says "well, it looks like you're pregnant."

"Wow, I'm pregnant?" The woman asked.

"No, it just looks like you are" The doctor replied.

Score: 52

A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: do you know how often people die from AIDS? I said: now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

Score: 46

I was bored and hit my Nokia with a hammer, it broke, obviously. So, I took it to Best Buy to get it fixed, and the woman at the counter said they can't fix hammers.

Score: 53

A mexican woman walks into a car dealership and starts looking at a car. A salesman asks if she needs any help or got any questions. Her: Cargo space?

Salesman: Car no do that. Car no fly.

Score: 115

Why do Jewish men have to be circumsized? Because a Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off.

Score: 124

A man and a woman were traveling in a train. Woman: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place.
Man: Aww....! Are you single?
Woman: No, I am a Dentist.

Score: 1060

A crow flies to a woman on the street Crow: Miss, would you donate to my charity?

Woman: Why should I?

Crow: CAW CAW CAW CAW

Woman: What does that even mean?

Crow: Its four good caws

Score: 78

If God isn't real, how do you explain how an average joe like me could marry a beautiful woman from Prague? Czech mate, atheists

Score: 234

When a woman wears a bikini, she has 90 percent of her body exposed Men, being the gentleman that we are, only look at the other 10 percent. (Hopefully not a repost)

Score: 44

I kicked a pregnant woman She gave birth to me 3 months later.

Score: 56

Wife died After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

Score: 49

I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow.

I tried.

Score: 506

Woman get 77 cents for every dollar a man earns. Well, at least men get to keep the 23 cents.

Score: 89

A woman is bathing her 7 year old son, the kid looks at his wrinkled ballsack and asks... Mom, is this my brain?

The mother replies: not yet son, not yet...

Score: 168

In a survey, 5% of straight men said they liked slim thighs on a woman and 10% said they liked thicc thighs on a woman. The rest of them preferred something in between.

Score: 126

I’ve been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it’s starting to get serious… She’s asked me to move out with her.

Score: 58

You heard about the new sequel to The Exorcist? A woman hires The Devil to get the priest out of her son

Score: 101

A woman asked me, “What does equality mean?” I said, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

Score: 394

I stopped a woman from being kidnapped today My self control is really improving

Score: 671

What does living with a pregnant woman and being in a hostage situation have in common? However some people may see it, I can't
Even imagine it in my own
Life because my wife is
Perfect in every way. She makes

Me complete. I love
Every part of her!

Score: 49

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either really terrible news or really great news.

Score: 117

A man waved at me, so I waved him back but apparently he was waving at a woman behind me, so I kept my hand up and stopped a taxi that took me to the airport. I am now in Ireland starting a new life

Score: 133

What's the difference between a woman and a computer? A computer doesn't laugh at a 3.5" floppy.

Score: 211

I really hope Death is a woman That way it'll never come for me

Score: 101

First Woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem"

What?

"Never mind"

What's the problem?

"Nothing"

Please tell us

"I'm fine"

Score: 62

What do a frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant woman have in common? Some jackass forgot to take it out in time.

Score: 41

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home You should have seen the look on her face when I walked away with her cardboard box

Score: 118

I came out of the supermarket this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She'd lost all her holiday money.

I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50.

I don't usually do that kind of thing but I'd just found £2000 in the car park.

Score: 44

A woman is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.



The woman laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.

Score: 92

" I stopped a woman getting kidnapped today" Friend : "how?"

"Self control"

Score: 69

First woman on the moon: “Houston, we have a problem.”
What?
“Never mind”
What’s the problem?
“Nothing”
Please tell us?
“You know what the problem is.”

Score: 127

A man is at his wife’s funeral and a woman asks him if she can say a word.

He says okay and she stands up, saying ‘Plethora’.

The man replies, ‘Thanks, that means a lot’.

Score: 298

If I had $5 for every woman that found me unattractive Pretty soon they'd all find me attractive

Score: 104

I once lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immidietly went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman. Not on my watch.

Score: 69

How does a woman greet Bill Cosby on their 2nd date? "Nice to meet you."

Score: 77

A woman once said, she recognised me from the vegetarian club But I'd never met herbivore

Score: 39

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at the party.... Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

Score: 113

A woman on death row was asked what she wanted for her last meal “I don’t know, what do you want?”

Score: 41

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