Woman Jokes

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Funniest Woman Jokes

What weighs more? 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman? The woman. They always lie about their weight.

Score: 14774

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection. The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

Score: 14598

Making love to a woman is like playing a violin… I don't know how to do it…

Score: 12473

Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you... An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.

Score: 11265

Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant. Woman: Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!

Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.

FP Edit: RIP my inbox

Score: 11196

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Edit: I'm a pirate, so it works in first-person

Score: 11171

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. "Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

Score: 10431
Funny Woman Jokes
Score: 10421

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78... Because then the man is left with only $0.22...


EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

Score: 10173

What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman? Getting her husband's voice just right

Score: 9617

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement... ...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".

Score: 9403

Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.

Score: 9187

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her "First offender?"
She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

Score: 9020

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

Score: 8524

A lot of woman actually turn into good drivers So if you're a good driver watch out.

Score: 7940

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Score: 7563

A woman starts to scream while giving birth. ​

"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

Score: 3552

What do a grenade and a woman have in common? You remove the ring and your whole house is gone

Score: 3371

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time? A widow.

Score: 3228

Arrested for being too good in bed! My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"


After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

Score: 3065

Shouldn't Iron man be a woman? After all he is a Fe-Male.

Score: 2740

I hope Death is a woman That way it will never come for me

Score: 2605

A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater. She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.

Score: 2583

The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me! On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.

Score: 2521

How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

Score: 2389

To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night: I'm not letting you out.

Score: 2324

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.

Score: 2275

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Score: 2237

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

Score: 2128

I like my woman like I like my Laptop On my lap , turned on ,Virus free

Score: 2123

A man and a woman are lying in bed late night... ...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."

Score: 850

Can a woman be the president of Russia? No because Putin is not a woman

Score: 451

Intelligence is the first thing I look for in woman.. Because if she doesn’t have THAT, I may just have a chance.

Score: 388

What would you call a Crossover between Wonder Woman and Transformers? Amazon Prime.

Score: 351

My wife looked at herself in the mirror and said to me... 'All I see is a fat, ugly woman, can you say something nice about me to make me feel better'

'Of course' I replied 'Your eyesight is perfect'

Score: 339

I told a woman she'd drawn her fake eyebrows on too high she looked surprised.

Score: 194

A woman asked me if I thought she was wearing to much makeup. I told her it depends on whether or not she was trying to kill Batman.

Score: 167

I, too, have a Jewish friend, and he told me this one... What's the difference between a Jewish woman and a Latina?



A Latina has fake jewelry and real orgasms.

Score: 164

If a woman thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach... She’s aiming a little too high.

Score: 160

Why don't people give Melania Trump a break... Life is hard enough growing up as a black woman in the USA.

Score: 126

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New Woman Jokes

What does it taste like when you eat out an 80 year old woman? Depends...

Score: 16

Who says Feminism isn't working? Just the other day I saw a highlight video of a woman working multiple jobs. She was a Business owner, a maid, a realtor and even a new stepmom to a buff stepson who she obviously cared for very deeply.

Score: 9

I saw a beautiful woman at the market today, but the skirt she wore kept reminding me of my mother Must've been a Freudian slip

Score: 9

A woman was in labor and shouted out "Can't! Wouldn't! Don't! Shouldn't!" The doctor said, "don't worry, it's just contractions."

Score: 17

A man goes into a flower shop He looks around for a while, but can only see petals and leaves.

So he asks the woman at the till, "Can you actually sell me any complete flowers today?"

"No" she says, "we're out of stalk."

Score: 10

What do you call an educated woman in a third world country? Intellectual property

Score: 20

Making love to a woman is a lot like playing the violin. I guess, i don't know how to do either

Score: 30

if Iron Man is a superhero, then what's Iron Woman? A command

Score: 8

Yesterday I heard a woman shouting on the street toward her boyfriend "All men are dogs" An old man popped his head out of the window and replied,

##"Who told you to try them all??"

Score: 22

Today I gave a blind old woman my seat on the bus. That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Score: 12

What does eating out an 86yr old woman taste like? Depends..

Score: 13

What do you call a beautiful woman in England? A tourist.

Score: 46

I'm a guy who's into Star Wars, Star Trek and Doctor Who. Can you guess what I'm not into right now? A woman.

Score: 13

What do you call a woman in an Iron Man suit? Fe-Male

Score: 21

You can call a woman beatiful as many times as you want But call her fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

Score: 12

It was really romantic to see an 85 year old man and 77 year old woman who were a couple for 65 years. It was horrifying when I did the math.

Score: 10

A woman walked into a bar and said to the barman, ‘I’d like a Double Entendre.’ So he gave her one.

Score: 13

I asked my wife if a second woman could come in bed with us She asked who the first was

Score: 37

A woman sitting at a bar orders a double entendre... He gives it to her

Score: 9

What is the difference between a woman and a laundry machine? The laundry machine doesn't follow you around after you dump a load in it.

Score: 11

What do you see when a woman in the Army wears her pants too tight? Camo toe.

Score: 8

What do you call a 27 year old woman in Mississippi? Grandma

Score: 18

An officer pulls over a speeding blonde woman After she rolls down her window, he asks her to take out her license.



She angrily exclaims "Yesterday you guys took away my license and now you expect me to have it on me?"

Score: 30

How are a woman and a tornado similar? They start off sucking and blowing but then in the end you lose your house.

Score: 38

If Wonder Woman is the best female warrior Would that make her Amazon Prime?

Score: 67

Blonde and the Airlines A blonde rings up an airline and asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."

The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

Score: 44

A woman is about to jump off a bridge. A physicist walks by and says, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Score: 31

This woman is trying to get me fired for giving inappropriate massages in the office. Good luck with that, lady. I don't even work here.

Score: 35

A pregnant woman was in line ahead of me at the store... Out of no where, she starts giggling.

I asked, "Are you okay, ma'am?"

"Oh yes, I'm fine. My baby just told a joke."

"A joke? Seriously? What did it say?"

She replied, "Oh, I'm not sure you'd get it. It was an inside joke."

Score: 49

Obama used the race card. Hillary used the woman card. America used the Trump card.

Score: 32

A joke from Korea "Americans are saying that in 2016, they will either have their first woman president, or their first insane president.

Like what's the big deal? Korea did both in one election cycle back in 2012"

Score: 10

Did you hear about the woman who died in an Italian restaurant? She pasta way.

Score: 77

My wife and I were lying in bed the other day... My hands were slowly finding their way across her body.

I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world."

She whispered back, "I'll miss you."

Score: 118

A truck driver runs over a woman. Whose fault is it? The truck driver's, he was driving through her kitchen.

Score: 10

Whats the difference between Iron Man and iron woman? One is a superhero the other is a simple instruction

Score: 111

An old woman goes to the dentist... ...takes off all her clothes and spreads her legs.
The dentist says "I think you have the wrong room..."
"You put in my husband's teeth last week", she replies. "Now you have to remove them."

Score: 8

I went on a date with a woman from Alaska... Things were going pretty well, and we sincerely enjoyed each others company. Then at the end of the night, I tried to give her an Eskimo kiss, but I guess she wasn't really Inuit.

Score: 9

Where does Wonder Woman buy all her stuff? Amazon.

Score: 103

What is the difference between Scotland and a pregnant woman? A pregnant woman is in Labour

Score: 15

What do frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant woman have in common? An idiot who forgot to take it out earlier.

Score: 97

What's the difference between OP and a Pregnant woman? She delivers.

Score: 47

When I get heavier, I am actually easier to pick up. What am I? A woman

Score: 41

I really identify with the trans movement... For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body!

Score: 115

Witnessed a woman get her nipple pierced at the pub last night. I'm not allowed to play darts there anymore.

Score: 20

A woman site down next to a man in a bar and says, "You smell good, What do you have on?" The man says, "I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it."

Score: 13

How many men does it take to get an Amish woman pregnant? Two men a nite.

Score: 9

A woman in this bar just told me she wants to have my babies.... Watch my beer while I go home and get them.

Score: 7

A reporter is interviewing a 104 year old woman... ....and asks:"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Score: 7

What do a pregnant woman, a burned pizza and a frozen beer have in common? In all three cases somebody took it out TOO LATE

Score: 14

You want some dating advice? Here you go. A man wanted to find a woman and asked the computer to find him the perfect match: "I want someone who is small and cute, loves the water sports and enjoys group activities."

Back came the answer: "Marry a penguin."

Score: 13

A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing. 'He’s like a fish out of water.’

‘You mean he’s having trouble adjusting?’

‘No, I mean he’s dead.’

Score: 114

If iron man is a superhero what's iron woman? a command

Score: 52

What do a burnt pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant woman have in common? In all 3 cases, someone forgot to pull it out.

Score: 25

An old woman goes to the doctor's office... ....The doctor gives her a checkup and says, "I need to do stool, blood and urine tests."
The woman says, "Well can I just leave my underwear? Bingo starts in half an hour."

Score: 17

This guy walks out of the bathroom when... This guy walks out of the bathroom when a woman says, "Excuse me sir, but your garage door is open."
The guy then replies, "Oh, really? Did you see my Harley?"
She says back, "No, just a small bike, with two flat tires."

Score: 28

What you get when you turn a blonde woman upside down? A brunette with bad breath.

Score: 9

What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a supermodel? Nothing if her husband knows what's good for him!

Score: 22

A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing... 'He's like a fish out of water.'

'You mean he's having trouble adjusting?'

'No, I mean he's dead.'

-Mike Close-

Score: 45

If a cougar is a woman who likes younger boys... then a man who likes younger boys must be a Nittany lion!

Score: 10

A woman walked into a pub and asked the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one

Score: 9

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