Accountant Jokes

Did you hear about the guy who got 10 years in jail for using imaginary numbers? He was an accountant.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead ...a doctor, a lawyer and an accountant, a Brit, a German and an American, a priest, a rabbi, two camels and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them all and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Ask a lawyer what 2 + 2 is... Ask a lawyer what 2+2 is he'll say 5

Ask an engineer and he'll say 4

Ask an accountant and he'll look right back at you and say "what do you want"

Laziness is the engine of progress. The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question “Why?”, she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.

an accountant is interviewing for a job Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!

After many years as an accountant, I was asked to take a personality test. The results came back negative.

Thanos would make a great accountant The books would always be balanced.

Why did the accountant go crazy? He started to hear invoices in his head.

Hear about the constipated accountant? He worked it out with a pencil.

A man goes to an interview for an accountant firm “In this company, you need to be able to calculate fast without calculator”

“I’ll give it a try. Test me”

“What is 35 x 47?”

The man answers quickly “476”

“That’s not even close”

“Yeah but thats fast”

Why can't you fight an accountant ? They'll always out number you!

How does an accountant get rid of constipation? He works it out with a pencil

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't Budget<drops mic>

Ironically I'm an Accountant and have Chron's so this is not my problem.

How to tell the difference between a bad, a good and an excellent accountant ? When you ask them "2+2 is ?":

- The bad accountant will say "5"

- The good accountant will say "4"

- The excellent accountant will say "how much do you want?"

I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
$35,000 - $40,000

So I rang them and said, "The answer is -$5,000"

Why was the accountant constipated? Because he couldn't budget

Wife says to her Accountant husband Wife: what is inflation?


Husband: Earlier you were 36-24-36. But now you are 48-40-48.
Though you have everything bigger than before, your value has become less than before. This is INFLATION

What's a Black Adder? An African American Accountant.

did you hear about the constipated accountant? he couldn't budget.

How does an accountant relieve his constipation? He works it out with a pencil

My nephew wants to be an accountant, so for his birthday, I got him a big bag of receipts Not to worry if he doesn’t like them, I’ve kept all the presents

What do you get when you mix an accountant with a giant jet airplane? A Boring 747.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? They couldn’t budget

Eventually they did work it out with a pencil though.

An accountant opens up their spreadsheet, only to find all the numbers missing. Their cat is sitting by the desk, looking smug. I dont know why they're so suprised, cats are good at knocking things off tables.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He used a pencil to budget

How did the accountant solve his constipation problem? The same way he solves all his problems - he worked it out with a pencil.

What does an Alaskan accountant and sociopath have in common? They’re both cold and calculating.

What does an accountant use for birth control his personality

I told my accountant my favorite letter is W He said his favorite letter is W-2.

An economist, an accountant and a lawyer decided to gamble.... And that's how stock markets came into existence!!!

A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better. Her title: "Nun of Your Business."

My doctor asked me how much do I drink per week... I'm sorry but I'm an alcoholic, not an accountant

In a new store's front window there was a hiring sign ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!

$35,000 - $40,000

An engineer sees the sign, enters the store and yells:

-There is no need for an accountant! The answer is -$5,000!

What do you call an accountant who's talking to someone? Popular

Why should you hire an accountant that went to culinary school? Because they know how to cook the books.

What did the accountant fall off the cliff? he lost his balance

Instead of an accountant, hire a philosopher to do your taxes. It's the thought that counts.

My grandfather's grandfather was a jeweler. His father was a jeweler. He was a jeweler. My father is a jeweler. And I'm an accountant because this is America

What happened to the accountant with diarrhea? He had to liquidate his assets