Did you hear about the guy who got 10 years in jail for using imaginary numbers? He was an accountant.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead
...a doctor, a lawyer and an accountant, a Brit, a German and an American, a priest, a rabbi, two camels and a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them all and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
Ask a lawyer what 2 + 2 is...
Ask a lawyer what 2+2 is he'll say 5
Ask an engineer and he'll say 4
Ask an accountant and he'll look right back at you and say "what do you want"
Laziness is the engine of progress. The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question “Why?”, she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.
an accountant is interviewing for a job
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
After many years as an accountant, I was asked to take a personality test. The results came back negative.
Thanos would make a great accountant The books would always be balanced.
Hear about the constipated accountant? He worked it out with a pencil.
Why did the accountant go crazy? He started to hear invoices in his head.
A man goes to an interview for an accountant firm
“In this company, you need to be able to calculate fast without calculator”
“I’ll give it a try. Test me”
“What is 35 x 47?”
The man answers quickly “476”
“That’s not even close”
“Yeah but thats fast”
Why can't you fight an accountant ? They'll always out number you!
How does an accountant get rid of constipation? He works it out with a pencil
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't Budget<drops mic>
Ironically I'm an Accountant and have Chron's so this is not my problem.
How to tell the difference between a bad, a good and an excellent accountant ?
When you ask them "2+2 is ?":
- The bad accountant will say "5"
- The good accountant will say "4"
- The excellent accountant will say "how much do you want?"
I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper.
$35,000 - $40,000
So I rang them and said, "The answer is -$5,000"
Why was the accountant constipated? Because he couldn't budget
Wife says to her Accountant husband
Wife: what is inflation?
Husband: Earlier you were 36-24-36. But now you are 48-40-48.
Though you have everything bigger than before, your value has become less than before. This is INFLATION
What's a Black Adder? An African American Accountant.
did you hear about the constipated accountant? he couldn't budget.
How does an accountant relieve his constipation? He works it out with a pencil
My nephew wants to be an accountant, so for his birthday, I got him a big bag of receipts Not to worry if he doesn’t like them, I’ve kept all the presents
What do you get when you mix an accountant with a giant jet airplane? A Boring 747.
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
They couldn’t budget
Eventually they did work it out with a pencil though.
An accountant opens up their spreadsheet, only to find all the numbers missing. Their cat is sitting by the desk, looking smug. I dont know why they're so suprised, cats are good at knocking things off tables.
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He used a pencil to budget
How did the accountant solve his constipation problem? The same way he solves all his problems - he worked it out with a pencil.
What does an Alaskan accountant and sociopath have in common? They’re both cold and calculating.
What does an accountant use for birth control his personality
I told my accountant my favorite letter is W He said his favorite letter is W-2.
Why did no one like the Eskimo accountant? Because he was cold and calculating.
Met this Gorgeous Accountant
She told me her name was Jorge. "But isn't that a man's name?" I asked.
"Yes, but it's the THOT that counts"
I got fired from my job as an accountant I misunderstood what they meant by double entry
An accountant at a bank was constipated Apparently he couldn't budget, but he worked it out with a pencil and paper and it was all good.
What do you call a promiscuous accountant? The thot that counts
Why couldn't the accountant keep his car in working order? Because it broke down and he couldn't budget.
An accountant is having a bad day
Everything is going wrong, his marriage is going down the tubes, he is about to lose his job, he steps out and looks down
Guy on the street calls the cops and says "Come quick! There's an accountant on the ledger!"
What do you call an accountant who's talking to someone? Popular
What did the Accountant say to his employee?
I should capitalise you.....
you are such an asset!
Did you hear about the accountant who daydreams about being an actuary? He craved more risk.
Askin and Eskin went to the bank to get their salary, but bank accountant has mistaken and Eskin got money for Askin and Askin got for Eskin
What did the accountant fall off the cliff? he lost his balance
An accountant told President Trump, "You can name my firstborn son as long as it honors me, is Hebrew, and—" Interjecting, President Trump blurts out,"I'VE GOT IT... "MathJew"
My grandfather's grandfather was a jeweler. His father was a jeweler. He was a jeweler. My father is a jeweler. And I'm an accountant because this is America
Why is Adam known as the first accountant? He turned a leaf and made an entry.