Accountant Jokes

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Funniest Accountant Jokes

Ask a lawyer what 2 + 2 is... Ask a lawyer what 2+2 is he'll say 5

Ask an engineer and he'll say 4

Ask an accountant and he'll look right back at you and say "what do you want"

What did the schizophrenic accountant say? I hear invoices!

Laziness is the engine of progress. The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question “Why?”, she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.

an accountant is interviewing for a job Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!

Funny Accountant Jokes

Thanos would make a great accountant The books would always be balanced.

Why did the accountant go crazy? He started to hear invoices in his head.

Why can't you fight an accountant ? They'll always out number you!

How does an accountant get rid of constipation? He works it out with a pencil

How to tell the difference between a bad, a good and an excellent accountant ? When you ask them "2+2 is ?":

- The bad accountant will say "5"

- The good accountant will say "4"

- The excellent accountant will say "how much do you want?"

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't Budget<drops mic>

Ironically I'm an Accountant and have Chron's so this is not my problem.

I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
$35,000 - $40,000

So I rang them and said, "The answer is -$5,000"

Wife says to her Accountant husband Wife: what is inflation?


Husband: Earlier you were 36-24-36. But now you are 48-40-48.
Though you have everything bigger than before, your value has become less than before. This is INFLATION

Why was the accountant constipated? Because he couldn't budget

What do you get when you mix an accountant with a giant jet airplane? A Boring 747.

How does an accountant relieve his constipation? He works it out with a pencil

An accountant opens up their spreadsheet, only to find all the numbers missing. Their cat is sitting by the desk, looking smug. I dont know why they're so suprised, cats are good at knocking things off tables.

How did the accountant solve his constipation problem? The same way he solves all his problems - he worked it out with a pencil.

What does an Alaskan accountant and sociopath have in common? They’re both cold and calculating.

How did the accountant escape prison? He was really good at filing.

Met this Gorgeous Accountant She told me her name was Jorge. "But isn't that a man's name?" I asked.

"Yes, but it's the THOT that counts"

What does an accountant use for birth control his personality

What did the American accountant say to his British counterpart? Mind the GAAP.

A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better. Her title: "Nun of Your Business."

An economist, an accountant and a lawyer decided to gamble.... And that's how stock markets came into existence!!!

I told my accountant my favorite letter is W He said his favorite letter is W-2.

What do you get when you cross an accountant with a giant jet airplane? A Boring 747

I got fired from my job as an accountant I misunderstood what they meant by double entry

A Wall Street accountant asked me if she is too fat for her suit. I told her she’s too big to fail.

When an accountant excells Their coworker will start to spreadsheet about them

My doctor asked me how much do I drink per week... I'm sorry but I'm an alcoholic, not an accountant

In a new store's front window there was a hiring sign ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!

$35,000 - $40,000

An engineer sees the sign, enters the store and yells:

-There is no need for an accountant! The answer is -$5,000!

What did one horny tax accountant say to the other? Let's climb into bed and spreadsheets

What did the accountant tell the acrobat? “You have some outstanding balance!”

An accountant at a bank was constipated Apparently he couldn't budget, but he worked it out with a pencil and paper and it was all good.

My ex- girlfriend is an accountant and she cheated on me with her boss to get a raise. She regretted her decision and texted me begging me to take her back. I responded: "oh look, it's the thot that counts."

Why did the accountant eat his calculator? He was a number cruncher.

Why couldn't the accountant keep his car in working order? Because it broke down and he couldn't budget.

My accountant is tired from doing too many taxes. He developed H&R block.

Accounting Joke: Why did the accountant cross the road? Because that's what they did last year.

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New Accountant Jokes

What did the accountant say while auditing a document? This is taxing.

What do you call an accountant who moonlights as a prostitute? Tally ho!

A dog accountant runs to see his boss, all excited Boss! Boss! The numbers are through the woof!!

* waves tail *

Askin and Eskin went to the bank to get their salary, but bank accountant has mistaken and Eskin got paid for Askin and Askin got for Eskin

What did the accountant fall off the cliff? he lost his balance

A man is having an affair He is sleeping with an accountant and a waitress.
On his birthday he gets a package in the mail
He asks the mailman which girl it’s from
The mailman says “it’s the thot that counts”

What do you call an accountant who's talking to someone? Popular

An accountant is having a bad day Everything is going wrong, his marriage is going down the tubes, he is about to lose his job, he steps out and looks down
Guy on the street calls the cops and says "Come quick! There's an accountant on the ledger!"

What did the Accountant say to his employee? I should capitalise you.....
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.
.
.
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you are such an asset!

Why did the accountant see a psychiatrist? He was hearing invoices in his head.

What happened to the accountant with diarrhea? He had to liquidate his assets

My grandfather's grandfather was a jeweler. His father was a jeweler. He was a jeweler. My father is a jeweler. And I'm an accountant because this is America

Why should you hire an accountant that went to culinary school? Because they know how to cook the books.

Why did the dentist's accountant get arrested? Incisor's trading.

My dad, rest his soul, always wanted me to be an accountant like him and I'd say, "Dad, I'd rather put a gun to my head." Turns out, so would he.

What do you get when you cross an accountant with an airplane a Boring 747.

As an accountant I can't wait for Acura to come out with the C class.

Did you hear about the accountant who daydreams about being an actuary? He craved more risk.

Can anyone please post some good accountant jokes? Meeting with one tomorrow. Can anyone please post some good accountant jokes? Meeting with one tomorrow.

Thanks

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Long Accountant Jokes

A mobster discovers that his deaf accountant has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

He confronts him, bringing along an interpreter. "Ask him where the money is," the mobster says.

The interpreter does so, and the accountant signs back, "What are you talking about?"

The interpreter tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The mobster puts a pistol to the accountant's head. "Ask him again!"

The interpreter signs, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

"Okay, okay!" the accountant signs back. "The money is buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard!"

"What'd he say?" asks the don.

"He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

A physicist, a statistician, and an accountant all apply for the same position...

The interviewers first call in the physicist. "We have only one question," they tell him. "What is 500 plus 500?" The physicist, without hesitation, says "1000."
The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 99.9% confident."
He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way. When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?"
The accountant replies, "what would you like it to be?"
They hire the accountant.

An arrogant, wealthy man passed away one day

In his will, he entrusted $50,000 in cash to each of his closest advisers: his accountant, his doctor, and his lawyer. In his will, he instructed that each of them was to put all of the money into an envelope and place it into his coffin at his funeral, so he could have his money even after death.

On the day of the funeral, each of his advisers came with a large envelope and each, in turn, placed it in the wealthy man's open casket. At the end of the funeral, when the man was buried, each of the advisers walked away from the cemetary together.

The accountant said to the other two "I must confess, I didn't put all of the money in. I kept $10,000 for myself and only put in $40,000."

The doctor responded "I should be honest too. I kept $20,000 for myself and only put in $30,000."

The lawyer looked at the other two with disdain and said "I'm ashamed of both of you. Our client instructed us to put in $50,000 each into his casket, and I'll have you know I put in a check for the full amount!"

A Mafia Don hires a deaf accountant.

He was pleased with himself for coming up with the idea; if the man could not hear, he would not be able to testify against the Don about what was said amongst him and his capos.

One day, after several months of working near this man, he notices the accountant acting nervous and fidgety. Suddenly wary, the Don decides to take a look at his books to see if any funny business is afoot. After poring over the material, he realizes that there is about 10 million dollars in cash that is unaccounted for!

The Don calls in the accountant immediately, along with his attorney, who happened to be fluent in sign language. He demands from the man, "I know you stole my money, and now you're going to tell me where it is."

Reading the Don's lips, panic and fear come over the accountant as he frantically signs back, "I have no idea what you're talking about!"

The Don looks at his consigliere and is told, "The man says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Don shoots up from his chair, gun in hand, and levels the barrel right between the man's eyes. "You WILL tell me where the money is, or I'll blow your brains all over this room!!"

Terrified, the accountant signs "Okay! Okay! It's buried in the garden behind my mother's house, under the kitchen window."

The Don asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say??"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

A small business owner in financial trouble was told by his accountant that he needed to cut staff

The accountant said, "Jack and Susan have the highest salaries, so one of them will have to be laid off."

The owner replied, "Susan is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I'll have to think this over, and maybe discuss it with both of them."


The next morning, the owner waited for his employees to arrive. Susan was the first to come in, so he said to her, "Susan, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do."

Susan replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

Accounting Joke (from my professor)

A priest, a lawyer, and an accountant were all at the bedside of a very ill man. The man said to them,

"Gentlemen, I'm dying. Before I go, however, I want to ask you one final favor: My family is rotten and I don't want to give any of them an inheritance. I would like to be buried with the remainder of my money." He then hands the priest, the lawyer, and the accountant three envelopes that contain $100,000 each.

"While my coffin is being lowered into the earth, please throw each of the envelopes in. Don't tell anyone what's inside the envelopes."

So the three men leave. Sure enough, one week later, the man dies. During the funeral, the three men toss the envelopes into the grave whilst the coffin was being lowered. After the funeral, the three men go to a cafe to discuss the life of the old man. The priest says,

"I have a confession: I took $10,000 from my envelope. But I used it to fix up the children's home. The old man was always very generous and loved the children. I'm sure he wouldn't mind seeing where his money went."

The lawyer pipes in,

"Well, I also have a confession: I took $30,000 as payment of a personal loan he borrowed from me years ago."

The accountant, looking rather shocked, says,

"I cannot believe you two! I wrote a personal check that covered the whole thing!"

Four men and their dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man as an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly Drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

The the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the circle of paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

An engineer, a physicist, and an accountant were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with: “How much is two plus two?” The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the boardroom and announcing, “Four.”

The physicist was interviewed next, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, “Four.”

The accountant was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked, “How much do you want it to be?”

A father has three sons. One is an accountant, one is an engineer and the other is a lawyer...

The father asks each of his three sons the same question, "what does two plus two equal?"

The accountant son answers, "four point zero zero."

The engineer son answers "somewhere between 3.9999 and 4.0001."

Finally, the father asks his son the lawyer "what does two plus two equal?". The lawyer pulls his father into the other room and closes the door. He then closes the blinds and motions for his father to come into the corner. He whispers, "what do you want it to equal?"

My grandpa's favorite joke

This works better in my native language, but I am going to do my best to try to translate it effectively.

At the end of a good day's work, an accountant goes home and announces proudly to his wife "Honey, I missed the bus today but I saved $2 by chasing after it all the way home! "

His wife fixes him with a look of pure contempt and says "You fool!! You could have saved $75 if you'd only chased after a cab."

Two accountants are trying to get a job...

The first one goes in for his interview. They go over his history and experience, tell him about the company, and all the usual things. Then they ask him to take a test. They bring him to a closed room and he sits at the only table, in the only chair.

When he looks at the test, he sees only one question, "What is the answer to 2+2?" He writes down "4" and turns it in. They look at his answer, shake his hand, and inform him they will call him if he gets the job.

The second accountant meets the interviewer later that day and goes through the same motions. The get to know a bit about each other just like the first one, and then send him in for the test.

The second accountant sees the same question, answers it with a brief sentence, and turns it in. The interviewer reads his answer, and immediately shakes his hand, "You're hired," he says.

What was the second accountant's answer to "What is 2+2?":

"What do you want it to be?"

A business man was interviewing applicants

...for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two? "
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two. "
The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm glad we had time to discuss this important question. "
The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two? "
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be? "
He got the job."

My grandpas joke

A man is hiring for an accounting position, and is conducting interviews for each of the hopefuls. The first accountant walks in and starts to introduce himself.

Accountant1: I'm here for ther job, I'm great at d-

Boss: what's 2+2?

Accountant1: 4

Boss: get out

Sad, disappointed, and a little confused, the accountant slowly leaves the office. Then a new, fresh accountant comes in.

Accountant2: hey I'm here for the-

Boss: what's 2+2?

Accountant2: 4

Boss: get out.

Just as confused as accountant1, number 2 leaves thinking that if the boss is that stupid he doesn't want to work there anyways. On the way out, a new accountant walks into the office.

Accountant3: hi, I'm here for the ne-

Boss: what's 2+2?

Accountant3: anything you want it to be.

Boss: you're hired.

Messing with the Taxman...

THE TAX MAN CALLS.
The Taxman decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the Tax office.

The taxman was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his accountant.

The taxman said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the tax office finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The taxman thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.'

The taxman thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The taxman's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the taxman can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his false teeth and bites his good eye.

The stunned taxman now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's accountant as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?', Grandpa asks? 'I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on this side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The taxman, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old man could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much pees all over the taxman's desk.

The taxman leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own accountant moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?', the taxman asks.

'Not really,' says the accountant. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand pounds that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess wth Old People . . .
We may be old, but we are not stupid!

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of manager of a large division...

He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, "Twenty-two".

The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it."

The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer "somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001."

Next came an attorney. He stated that "in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four."

Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant. When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down. Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

An accountant and an economist are walking through a forest...

They encounter a frog.

"I bet you $100 you won't lick it," says the economist The accountant, daring, licks the frog and receives $100.

They walk further, see another frog.

"Lick this frog, and you get your $100 back!" says the accountant. The economist looks at his friend in the eye, licks the frog and retrieves his $100.

"What was the point of this exercise? We've both done something disgusting, and we're no better off!"

"We have grown the local economy by $200!!!" says the economist.

"Yeah but we owe the government $40 each!"

An engineer, a lawyer and an accountant are at a job interview

The interviewer asked, what’s 1 + 1.

The engineer draws up a plan and does some measurements and says. “It appears that 1 + 1 is 2”.

The lawyer takes out his law book, checks all the rules then says “according to the law, 1 + 1 is 2”.

The accountant takes out his book and calculator. Does a few calculations then whispers to the interviewer, “What do you want the number to be?”

Workers and Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist and the fourth man was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.. But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles with three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, ""What can your cat do?" The government worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff. Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, bit the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

A business owner needs an accountant to assist with his holdings.He finds a place that gets great reviews and heads over

. He goes inside and sees a small office with only two people inside. Closest to the door, is an attractive young woman with long hair, lots of makeup, and complicated nails and jewelry.


"Hi, I'm here to see the accountant." The business owner says.


She dismissively rolls her eyes and goes back to looking at something on her phone. So the man decides to press on. Towards the back of the office is a middle-aged man sitting at a desk covered in papers. The business owner walks up to him and tries again.


"Hi, I really need this balanced. I'm worried about my spending."


The other man smiles and takes the papers, looking them over cautiously.


The man turns to go and says, "Before I leave, I was just wondering about the profit margins. If I'm bringing in about 10k a week and am spending 17% of it on labor, how much should I expect to be able to put into my savings quarterly?"


The man at the desk gives him a look and stammers out an answer.


The business owner thinks about this for a second and says, "wait, that isn't correct at all."


The man at the desk laughs nervously. "Well, it's the thought that counts." The woman in the front overhears this and shakes her head while still focusing on her phone.
The business owner is taken a bit aback by this. But he tries to test the accountant's knowledge further.


"What about renovations? I've seen a notable uptick in customers recently, but I'm worried about the place not being up to snuff. How much would you think I could afford to invest into the place while still keeping the business afloat?"


The man behind the desk scrunches his face and goes back to thinking, before answering. The business owner is perplexed.


"That also doesn't sound correct."


The man behind the desk puts forth a strained laugh and says, more exasperated this time, "Well, it's the thought that counts." This time, the woman lets out an audible sign.


Not wanting this whole endeavor to be a bust, the business owner tries one more time.


"What about property taxes? What kind of increase would I be looking at based on those renovations, do you think?"


The man at the desk breaks into a sweat, thinks about it, and then blurts out an answer. The business owner has had enough.


"That's it, give me my information back! Your math is horrid! You have no clue what you're talking about and I'm going to take my business elsewhere!"


The man behind the desk loses it at this.


"LISTEN, BUDDY. I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE YELLING AT ME! I'VE TOLD YOU REPEATEDLY NOW!" He immediately points at the woman near the entrance who is now looking up from her phone and staring straight at them. "IT'S THE THOT THAT COUNTS!"

Applying For A Job

There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant. The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say "we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?" The mathematician, without hesitation, says "1000." The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 95% confident." He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way. When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?" The accountant replies, "what would you like it to be?" They hire the accountant.

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