Ask a lawyer what 2 + 2 is...
Ask a lawyer what 2+2 is he'll say 5
Ask an engineer and he'll say 4
Ask an accountant and he'll look right back at you and say "what do you want"
Laziness is the engine of progress. The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question “Why?”, she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.
an accountant is interviewing for a job
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
How to tell the difference between a bad, a good and an excellent accountant ?
When you ask them "2+2 is ?":
- The bad accountant will say "5"
- The good accountant will say "4"
- The excellent accountant will say "how much do you want?"
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't Budget<drops mic>
Ironically I'm an Accountant and have Chron's so this is not my problem.
I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper.
$35,000 - $40,000
So I rang them and said, "The answer is -$5,000"
Wife says to her Accountant husband
Wife: what is inflation?
Husband: Earlier you were 36-24-36. But now you are 48-40-48.
Though you have everything bigger than before, your value has become less than before. This is INFLATION
An accountant opens up their spreadsheet, only to find all the numbers missing. Their cat is sitting by the desk, looking smug. I dont know why they're so suprised, cats are good at knocking things off tables.
How did the accountant solve his constipation problem? The same way he solves all his problems - he worked it out with a pencil.
What does an Alaskan accountant and sociopath have in common? They’re both cold and calculating.
Met this Gorgeous Accountant
She told me her name was Jorge. "But isn't that a man's name?" I asked.
"Yes, but it's the THOT that counts"
A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better. Her title: "Nun of Your Business."
An economist, an accountant and a lawyer decided to gamble.... And that's how stock markets came into existence!!!
A Wall Street accountant asked me if she is too fat for her suit. I told her she’s too big to fail.
My doctor asked me how much do I drink per week... I'm sorry but I'm an alcoholic, not an accountant
In a new store's front window there was a hiring sign
$35,000 - $40,000
An engineer sees the sign, enters the store and yells:
-There is no need for an accountant! The answer is -$5,000!
An accountant at a bank was constipated Apparently he couldn't budget, but he worked it out with a pencil and paper and it was all good.
My ex- girlfriend is an accountant and she cheated on me with her boss to get a raise. She regretted her decision and texted me begging me to take her back. I responded: "oh look, it's the thot that counts."
Why couldn't the accountant keep his car in working order? Because it broke down and he couldn't budget.
A dog accountant runs to see his boss, all excited
Boss! Boss! The numbers are through the woof!!
* waves tail *
Askin and Eskin went to the bank to get their salary, but bank accountant has mistaken and Eskin got paid for Askin and Askin got for Eskin
A man is having an affair
He is sleeping with an accountant and a waitress.
On his birthday he gets a package in the mail
He asks the mailman which girl it’s from
The mailman says “it’s the thot that counts”
An accountant is having a bad day
Everything is going wrong, his marriage is going down the tubes, he is about to lose his job, he steps out and looks down
Guy on the street calls the cops and says "Come quick! There's an accountant on the ledger!"
What did the Accountant say to his employee?
I should capitalise you.....
you are such an asset!
My grandfather's grandfather was a jeweler. His father was a jeweler. He was a jeweler. My father is a jeweler. And I'm an accountant because this is America
Why should you hire an accountant that went to culinary school? Because they know how to cook the books.
My dad, rest his soul, always wanted me to be an accountant like him and I'd say, "Dad, I'd rather put a gun to my head." Turns out, so would he.