Pickle Jokes


Funniest Pickle Jokes

Funny Pickle Jokes

Why couldn't the pickle leave the bar? Because the door was ajar!

What do you call a pickle that always has the same routine Typickle!

What do you get when you cross a pickle with a deer? A dill doe.

I think my wife is going to bake me some pickle bread! She just got home with a big box and said she would surprise me tonight with her new dill dough.

I got a free pickle It was a helluva dill.

What do you call a female deer that hangs out outside of a pickle factory? A dill-doe

I got fired from the pickle factory for putting my finger in the pickle slicer. ....she got fired too.

What do you say to a pickle in the morning? Rise and Brine!

Whats the difference between a pickle and a chick pea ~~I’ve never had a pickle on my chest before~~
The texture

A pickle walks into a casino and sits down at a card table He says “Dill me in”

how do you make pickle bread? with dill dough

What do you call a pickle you buy at a great price? A sweet Dill!

Pickle joke I was walking down the street eating my tiny pickle.

And someone bumped into me, knocking it out of my hand.

He apologized and I told him "it's not a big dill."

Thank you:)

What do you made pickle bread out of? Dill dough

What do you get when you combine a pickle and a deer ? A dill doe

What did the pickle say to the lemon? I relish our time together

I'll see myself out

What did the pickle do when it won the championship? He just stood there to relish the moment.

Why are hot pickle buns so popular in polish women's prisons? They're made out of dill dough.

A cucumber made a deal with the devil. He is quite in a pickle now.

Source: Stole it.

I'm like a jumbo kosher pickle Guess you could say I'm a pretty big dill.

A cucumber made a dill with the devil. He's in quite a pickle now.

What flavor of chips do the citizens in the Elder Scrolls like the most? Cyrodiill Pickle

Did you hear about the new pickle flavored bread? So since Pickle flavor is in style now with sonics new pickle juice shake, I think I'm going to launch a line of pickle flavored pastry. I'm going to call it Dilldough.

Why is pickle flavored bread so satisfying? Because it's made with a dill dough.

What do you call it when a pickle makes a mistake? A dill d'oh

I don't get why pregnant women crave pickles. A pickle is what got them pregnant in the first place.

Today, I got into a fight with my GF, so in a rage she told me to shove a sweet-and sour pickle up my butt.. But it was a dill though...

I met a giant pickle today. It was kind of a big dill.

How do you make a hamburger laugh? Pickle it gently.

What did the pickle say to the cucumber? Come on in the water's brine!

My pickle order was totally under-cooked. It was really a raw dill.

What’s black, white, green, black and white Two skunks fighting over a pickle

Just came back from the state fair and saw the world's smallest pickle It was no big dill

Scientists have invented a super sized pickle It's a pretty big dill

Why did the pickle stop being a contortionist? It was to cucumbersome.

What did the giant pickle say to sound modest? I’m kind of a big Dill.

My girlfriend really enjoyed the pickle bread I baked... I used a dill dough

I’m in a pickle Let me out

You hear about that crazy pickle who thought he was a flower? What a daffy dill!

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New Pickle Jokes

I ate a pickle .... It tasted sweet
So I gave to my sister who says it's salty

I guess I'm dillusional

Got trapped inside a gherkin for a while... I was really in a pickle

What do you call a sour pickle? Pickle soup

Do you know how to make pickle bread? You have to use Dill-dough

I once got lost in a pickle Museum. It was a pretty *jarring* experience.

What do you call a pickle you cant turn down? A good dill.

(Dad joke my buddy came up with who doesn't have kids. Best read out loud).

How do you make pickle bread? Dildough.

Did you hear about the ant that fell asleep in a cucumber? When he woke up he was in a pickle

How do you make pickle bread? You use dill dough

What does a pickle jar and your mom have in common? I banged them both on the kitchen bench

A friend asked me for advice on how to avoid the extreme Rick and Morty fanboys. I said: "I'm sorry, I can't help you out of this pickle Rick."

Everyone at the giant fruit & vegetable competition was amazed by how big my prized pickle was It was a big dill

I asked my wife if she would make pickle bread She said how do you make that?
I said it's easy, you just use dill dough.

What do you use to make pickle bread? Dill Dough

Some people say cucumbers are a fruit, while others say they are a vegetable. It's a pickle alright.

I have a friend who worked at a pickle factory He got fired for putting his finger in the pickle slicer...

She got fired too.

Son: Don’t forget the pickle it’s kind of a big Dill Dad: I really relish these moments

How do lesbians make pickle bread? They use dil-dough.

What do you get when you cross a pickle and a deer? A dill-doe!

I recently won 1st place at the state fair for having the largest pickle It was a pretty big dill

Ever heard of the pickle deer? She's a dill doe

What did the happy pickle say to the other pickle? I'm really relishing this moment.

What do you call a pickle on sale? Dill

What do you call a slice of a pickle that's not an edge slice? A mid-dill slice

A baseball player got caught in a pickle yesterday... I heard it was a really big dill.

Have you heard of a Trump Salad? It's Russian dressing with a little pickle

Yea, I'm the pickle you've all heard about. I'm a pretty big dill.

Today's Lunch Special: Trump Sandwich White Bread

Full of Baloney

w/ Russian Dressing

and a Small Pickle

Never forget the pickle on your burgers It's kind of a big dill

What do you call a pickle sandwich that's a scientist? Dill Rye

What do you call a pickle on sale? A sweet Dill.

Dill with it Did you hear about the pickle who was overworked?

He was Gerhkin 9-5.

What do you call a Ethiopian with a pickle on his head? A quarter pounder.

Pickle bread How do you make pickle bread?

You use dill dough.

What's the main ingredient when making pickle bread? Dill dough.

What's another name for a loaf of pickle bread? Dilldough!

What's green and has wheels? A Pickle and I lied about the wheels.

I'm in a pickle and I don't know how to dill with it

My friend was fired for sticking his finger in the pickle slicer again the other day Don't worry they fired her too

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Long Pickle Jokes

Halloween costumes

A man forgot to get a costume and was invited to a Halloween party. It was too late and all the shops had closed. He realized he was in a pickle and sat down to think. Suddenly, he had a brainwave.
Arriving at the party, the host opened the door and looked at the man. He came only wearing pants and nothing else . The host said in suprise "what are you supposed to be ? " The man said "I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my pants.

Pickle Slicer

So a guy comes home from work, kinda bummed out, and his wife asked "What's wrong dear?" The fella says "Every day when I leave work I have the urge to stick my finger in the bottom of the pickle slicer." His wife replies "Well, if it bothers you that much then do it, but I don't want to hear about you getting hurt."

So the next day the guy comes home with a black eye and his wife asks what happened. "Remember what I said about putting my finger in the bottom of the pickle slicer?" And the wife says "Uh, yeah - how did that work out?"

"Well, I should have asked her first!"

A worm munches himself into the center of a cucumber.

He keeps eating the delicious cucumber center when all of a sudden he feels himself lifted into the sky and thrust into a jar. He peaks out of the cucumber to see a bunch of other cucumbers. All of a sudden he sees liquid being poured inside the jar.

He crawled back inside his cucumber grave where he thought to himself "I'm really in a pickle this time."

A giant pickle walks into a bar..

and everyone in the bar starts wanting to take selfies with him and buy him drinks. Once all the commotion settles, the bartender asks him why everyone was surrounding him to which the pickle replies, "Well, I'm kind of a big dill"

Bar Bet

A man walks into a bar that he has never been to before. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat. The bartender asks "What are you having". The man is about to respond when he sees a large pickle jar FILLED with cash. The man asks "What's that" the bartender responds "We have a challenge here, if you can complete the three part challenge the money is yours" The man thinks about it for a while and says "What's the challenge" the bartender says "Well first you have to drink a bottle of Jack" the man says "No problem" the bartender continues "Next there is a Rottweiler outside who has a rotten tooth and you have to pull it out" The man starts to get nervous but assures himself he can do it. "Finally" says the bartender "There is a 98 year old woman upstairs who has never been laid and you have to do her" the man shivers but says "Let's do it". The bartender hands him an un-opened bottle of Jack and the man quickly chugs it down. The man continues outside wobbling to the door and for the next several minutes all anyone can hear outside is barking followed by growling and finishing with the whining. The man stumbles back inside, with his shirt torn and bite marks all over his body says "Now whhheere is the oold lady with a sore tooth?"

A man was tired of working as a burger-flipper at McDonalds.

All day every day he made Big Macs. And in his head he would list off the ingredients; Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.

Over and over: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.

Until he was about to go insane! Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.

So he quit and got a job as a school bus driver.

The first day his boss comes to him to tell him his route; "Your first stop is a set of twins" he tells the man. "They are both a little on the heavy side and they also share their name, Patricia"

"Then you have Ross, he is a good kid and means well even if he is a little special"

"Your next stop is a boy named Lester Keese; he likes to sit up front. He also has a bit of a bunion problem and tends to pick at them. But he is really no trouble"

"And when you're ready to head out you're bus is the one at the back, you can't miss it it's the one with all the Seasame Street characters on it"

At this the man looses it and throws his keys at his new boss. "Are you kidding me? I wont do it, I quit!"

"What is the matter?" asks the boss.

"Two obese Pattys, special Ross, Lester Keese picking his bunions on a Seasame Street bus!! I cant go back!!"

My parents and I walk in to the house and see my sister...

My parents and I walk in to the house and see my sister sitting on the table next to an open jar of pickles.

Her legs are open as if stirrups were holding them up, pickle affixed in the unholiest of holies.

Stunned, we tried to play it off with some small talk.

Sister silent, I mumbled, "Sweet pickles are, uh, good..."

My father retorted, "How 'bout dat dill doe?" (sic)

A buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

The vendor drops a kosher beef hot dog into a seed-covered bun and tops it with yellow mustard, chopped white onions, a dill pickle spear, tomato slices, relish, hot peppers, celery salt, and black pepper.

The monk hands over a $100 bill and takes the hot dog. The vendor takes the note and smiles. "Have a nice day!".

The monk is confused "Pardon me, what about my change?"

The vendor answers with a bow: "Change only comes from within".

Have I ever told you about the Monk living on the hill and the tiny pickle in a jar?

Once upon a time there was a Monk who lived on a hill. He lived a simple life and was quite content, nothing out of the ordinary ever seemed to happen in his life. However, one day as he was settling down to watch his favourite shows with a mug of hot cocoa, he saw on the weather channel that a horrible storm was headed in his direction. He thought nothing of it and went to bed later that night. In the early hours of the morning, however, he was awoken by a loud banging on his front door, he threw on his robe and slippers before running downstairs to answer the door. Upon opening the door he was met by a homeless man who asked for refuge during the storm as his home was the only shelter for miles. Being a religious and kind man, the Monk saw to the homeless man and gave him the spare bed before going back to bed. The next morning the Monk decided he would treat the homeless man to breakfast in bed as he figured he had been through a lot. He knocked on the spare bedroom door, although there was no answer. He entered the room and immediately dropped his prepared breakfast in horror as he saw that there was blood smeared on the bed and the curtains, no sight of the homeless man and a tiny pickle in a jar in the corner of the room. Perplexed and with no explanation, the Monk proceeded to clean the mess and carry on with his life, trying to explain this unfortunate series of events to himself. The next night the Monk was once again awoken by a loud banging on his front door. When he answered he was confronted by another homeless man also seeking refuge. Once again here obliged and provided shelter. The next morning he went to check on his guest and found the exact same scene he saw the previous morning. Blood stained curtains and bed sheets, no sign of his guest and a tiny little pickle in a jar in the corner of the room. The Monk vowed to not allow this to happen again and after cleaning up the mess and going to bed the following night, He was awoken one final time by a banging on his front door and immediately answered it exclaiming "no no no! You cannot stay here, I will not allow another catastrophe in my home!". To his surprise, the Monk noticed he was not speaking to a homeless man, but rather a small gentlemen with a long beard and pointy hat. The man said "listen here, Monk. Do you want to know why every time you let a homeless person seek refuge in your house, you wind up with blood stained curtains and bed sheets, the absence of a guest and a tiny little pickle in a jar in the corner of the room?". "YES! More than anything! Please tell me!", the Monk gasped. The man replied, "I shall tell you, but you must promise not to tell another living soul as long as you live.". "I promise", said the Monk.

And he never did.

3 women in a bar

3 women in a bar are having fun until they started comparing how much they can stuff inside them.

The first woman grabbed a pickle and started putting it in.

The second woman then asked the waiter for a cucumber and she stuffed the whole thing inside her.

The third looked at them and smiled as she slipped down the bar stool.

A large pickle walks into a bar

A large pickle walks into a bar, sits down, looks at the bartender, and asks for his usual to be put on a tab. Having never seen the large pickle before, the bartender says "Who even are you? Tab priveleges are reserved only for celebrities, well-known people, or dicks that try to get out of paying." The large pickle responds, "In that case, I'm kind of a huge dill."

An apprentice mortician is doing his first solo.

It turns out to be a 95 yo woman who died of natural causes. The head mortician thinks it should be a simple one to start, so he leaves the apprentice to his work and heads to his office.

About an hour later, the apprentice comes and asks him for help.

“What is it?” The head mortician asks.

“She has a pickle between her legs, and I’m not sure what to do.”

The head mortician heads over to the prep room to take a look. Quickly he determines what’s happening.

“That’s not a pickle, that’s her clitoris.”

The apprentice looks embarrassed, a little confused and replies

“Well, it tasted like a pickle”

I was in the process of making a cucumber salad for an important culinary exam.

I was in the proccess of making a cucumber salad for an important culinary exam. I went and grabbed the last cucumber from the refrigerator, but on my way back I tripped. The cucumber fell into some brine, and by the time I'd fished it out it was to late. Now I've got a real pickle in my hands.

A man sees a pickle jar filled with money

A man goes into a bar for a drink. He gets a few beers and then sees a pickle jar behind the bar filled with 10 dollar bills, he asks the bartender "What's with the money in that jar?". The bartender replies, "It's a challenge we have in here, everyone puts in 10 dollars and then tries their hand at it. First, you see that man at the end of the bar there?". The man looks over and sees a huge angry looking man at the end of the bar. The bartender goes on and says "Well you got to knock him out in one punch, then you have to go upstairs. There you will find a woman who hasn't been satisfied before, you have to go make love to her and pleasure her. After that you have to go outback and go to the pond there. In that pond is a gator, you have to pull out his sore tooth. If you do all that then you get all the money in the jar". The man thinks this over and says "maybe some time else". Now after this he gets pitchers of beer, and shots, and more pitchers of beer, and more shots. As he drinks the man at the end of the bar seems to get smaller and smaller. Finally he gets up, stumbles to the bartender and slurs "I would like to try that challenge", so the bartender gives him the jar and the man puts in 10 dollars. He then stumbles over to the man at the end of the bar and just punches him as hard as he could. The large man falls off of the barstool and hits the ground out cold. Then the man stumbles out the back door. All anyone could hear was a gator hissing and growling, and a man shouting and screaming. This must have gone on for 15 to 20 minutes. Finally he stumbles through the door with his clothes in shreds and asks slurring his words "So where is the hooker with the sore tooth?".

Quite the Pickle

When my grandmother died, as an only child my father had to clean out her place. When he came upon her recipe box, he sat on the floor and went through them slowly. Many had been handed down to her from her mother, my great-grandmother. One by one, he closed his eyes and remembered the simple joy of good hand-prepared dishes from his childhood. He could almost smell everything.

Then he saw the One. In a flash, he realized he could do this. Pickles! Sweet and juicy, those were always his favourite, and even the best ones from the supermarket never quite came close. And now he finally knew the secret ingredient!

He hurried home, found everything he needed, and whipped up a big batch. And perfection!

He turned that into a business. He started small, selling at the local Farmer’s Market. Soon he was supplying local delis. From there it grew into what it is today, a specialty Pickles label with a dozen varieties, now sold across the country. Pickles were what paid for business college! We lived quite comfortably.

One day my father took me aside, for the “One day all this will be yours” talk. He took me into his office, opened his safe, and tenderly pulled out that old recipe card. My grandmother’s handwriting was still nice and clear, even in its fading pencil. You could almost feel her presence.

“As times come and go, people’s tastes change. Sometimes they want something spicy, sometimes they want something bold. So to stay in business we have to keep trying new things. But not this one. This recipe is special. NEVER mess with this one, it’s our Bread and Butter.”

A pickle walks into a bar

A pickle walks into a bar with a new friend and immediately gets swarmed by patrons, flashing pictures and asking for an autograph.

The friend looks at the pickle and says “what the heck is this all about?”

The pickle looks back and says “yeah, I’m kind of a big dill”

My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said

**“Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.**

**After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”**
**Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”**

Killing A Fly

"Mommy, look at the fly I killed!" My young daughter exclaimed. As she was eating a juicy pickle at that time, I immediately thrust her hands under a running faucet and washed them clean with antibacterial soap.

After I had washed her hands, I sat her down so she could finish her pickle.

"How did you kill that fly all by yourself?" I asked in awe.

"I hit it with my pickle," came the reply.

The pickle joke

A guy who is not very well endowed, unfortunately, is getting married in a few days and he's really sweating the wedding night: will she laugh? Walk out?
So the big night arrives and he's in the bathroom freaking out. He absolutely can't show her this thing. So he ends up sneaking a pickle into bed and that's how he gets through the night. As a matter of fact- that's how he gets through the next several years! She never catches on-- until one night. Something seems weird, so off go the blankets and on goes the bedside lamp- and there it is!
She goes- "Wait a minute! Are you telling me- pffft! You've been using a pickle on me for the last SEVEN YEARS OF OUR MARRIAGE?!?
He looks at her and says- "OK, OK- you got me. But before you judge me too harshly... I never said one word when the kids came along.

Pay attention at the bar

A washed up drunk walks into a bar. On the counter lies a large pickle jar filled with wadded up cash. It's labeled "challenge" He asks the bartender how he can earn it. She replies, "First, you have to down this whole bottle of tequila. Second, you have to remove a sore tooth from the bulldog we have tied up out back. Third, you have to deflower the old nun that lives up stairs. (She's going through a YOLO stage) If you accomplish all that, the cash is all yours."

Well, the man downs the tequila, gagging all the way, and getting light headed. The patrons cheer him on as he stumbles out to the bulldog.

Things take quite some time, and the bulldog is barking with serious anger. He finally steps back in, and he's a bloody mess. His clothes are tattered and he is badly limping. He comes too, and yells triumphantly...

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