Watermelon Jokes

Contents

Funniest Watermelon Jokes

John has 20 watermelons and tim has none. John threw one watermelon at tim, what does tim have now? A concussion.

Funny Watermelon Jokes

When do you stop at Green and go at Red? When eating a watermelon

When do you stop on green and go on red? When you are eating watermelon .

Whats the difference between a watermelon and a baby? One is fun to smash with a sledgehammer and the other one is a watermelon

When do you stop at green, and go at red? when eating watermelon

What do you get when you slice a watermelon in four pieces? A quartermelon!

Why’s billy in the hospital? “Well he said the only food that could make you cry was an onion..”

“And?”

“So, I threw a watermelon hat his head”

Why didn't the watermelon get married to the honeydew Because fruits cantaloupe

If watermelon has water in it... Then what does a kumquat have?

What's green on the outside, red on the inside, and has watermelon seeds? A watermelon!
Now,
What's green on the outside, red on the inside, has watermelon seeds, and isn't a watermelon?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Half a watermelon.
That's my dad's favorite joke.

The watermelon is 50% water. The other 50% is melon.

A farmer kept getting water melons stolen, so one day he puts a sign up that says 'one of these watermelons is poisoned' next day he gets up and goes out to work in his watermelon patch and sees another sign 'now there are two'

What did the watermelon say to the honeydew? "I'm sorry baby, we just cantaloupe."

Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool? It wanted to become a watermelon

Why did the Honeydew princess stay and marry Duke Watermelon instead of running off with her true love? She cantaloupe

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in a watermelon patch? >!Melanie!<

My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice. She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.

Whats every Dad's favorite fruit? Watermelon (water my lawn)

What’s the difference between a watermelon and a baby’s head? I don’t know! I’m asking you!

Why did the watermelon have brown spots all over its skin? It had melonoma

What's the difference between a watermelon and a babys head? One's fun to smash with a hammer and the other one tastes good

I can't believe people don't eat the crust like wtf it's part of the food, it's fantastic! Even if it doesn't taste the same as the rest of the watermelon

Did you know that watermelon is only 50% water? The other 50% is melon

What did the Jamaican watermelon say to the sprinkler? Ayy brutha, water mi lawn

What did the watermelon say to the cantaloupe? You're one in a melon

Did you hear about the watermelon that fell inlove with the melon? They wanted to get married but they cantaloupe.

Watermelon cantaloupe But apple pears

Why couldn't the watermelon get married in Vegas? Because his fiancee is a cantaloupe!

What do you call a watermelon in California? A melon

How are a train and a bicycle similar? You can't make watermelon juice with none of them.

What did the watermelon say to the honeydew when he proposed to her "Well we cantaloupe. My mother will never forgive us"

If I had a nickel for every watermelon I've chucked at my neighbors window. I still wouldn't have enough bail money for a vandalism lawsuit.

What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon? One's fun to smash with a hammer, the other's a watermelon

How does Homer Simpson say watermelon in French? Melon D'OH

What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon? A watermelon doesn't cry when you hit it with a sledgehammer.

A watermelon committed suicide!! Because, It couldn't handle all the MELONcholy in its life.

What's the difference between a watermelon and a baby? One is fun to smash, the other is delicious.

They say watermelon is 99% water, but it's literally 50%..

What's the difference between a boy watermelon and a girl watermelon? One's seedless, one's not.

Popular Topics

New Watermelon Jokes

More watermelon Farmer had a watermelon patch and some kept coming up missing so he put a sign up that said one of these is poisoned..next day he got up to ck and there was a sign that said now you have two

Why did Romeo Watermelon and Juliette Honeydew commit suicide? They cantaloupe.

What did the watermelon say when the honeydew asked it to run away together? We cantaloupe!

What is the difference between 400 dead babies and a watermelon? I don't have a watermelon in my garage.

Why did the watermelon and the honeydew decide to cancel their spontaneous wedding in Las Vegas? They realized with a family like theirs, they really Cantaloupe.

Popular Topics

Long Watermelon Jokes

The warning sign

There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly spoiled by night thieves who were trespassing to steal melons. The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence: "Beware! Steal on your own risk! One melon below this fence is poisoned!"

The next day, there were no more missing melons and a short text added on the warning sign: "Now there are two".

Eat the watermelons

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation.

So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE! "

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO! "

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he
puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS
CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night
without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none
of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW
THERE ARE TWO! \"

A Dutch, A German and A French stranded on an Island..

They Screamed "Help!" Into the Jungle but nobody answered.
The next day they did the same but nobody answered and nobody came to help. The next day they did it again and finally someone came to help them. It were some native people who lived there for a looong time. The leader of them said in a perfect English "Greetings fellow people I am Kunta Kinte. I am the leader of this tribe. We are cannibals and we are going to eat every single one of you." The Dutch, the German and the French started to panic. But then the leader said "BUT! When you bring me the prettiest fruit you find, you may live." The Dutch, the German and the French ran into the Jungle and searched for hours. After 3 hours the German came back with a Cherry and a strawberry and gave it the leader of the tribe. "Now.. put it up your Butt. If you laugh I will kill you. If you don't you live here in peace and marry my beautiful daughter." So the German picked up the Cherry and put it inside his Butt. No Problem. Then he picked up the strawberry tried to put it in his Butt but he laughed and got stabbed in the chest. 2 hours later the Dutch came and had an Apple and an Orange. He gave it the leader of the tribe and he said again: "Now.. put it up your Butt. If you laugh I will kill you. If you don't you live here in peace and marry my beautiful daughter." So the Dutch did. He did it with the Apple, easy peasy, but laughed at the Orange. The German and the Dutch meet in Heaven and the German said "Do you had to put some fruit in your Butt? I managed the Cherry but the Strawberry tickled too much and I laughed and got stabbed in the chest!" The Dutch replies "Yes I had to. I managed to put the Apple in my Butt but just when I wanted to start with the Orange i saw the French coming out of the Jungle with a watermelon and an Pineapple.."

I hope you enjoyed this Joke as I did as a Kid. I am sorry for my Bad English! First Post btw. Have fun and a nice day!

A traditional Iranian joke

A man has a very bad case of worms so he goes to very famous doctor. the doctor assesses his case and says go to the market buy the biggest juicy watermelon you can find, cut off one end drop your pants and sit on it. The worms will go into it and leave your body. So the guy does just that and when he sits down the king worm comes out tastes the watermelon and says " bring it in boys"!

There are three rockstars on a plane

There are three rockstars on a plane. To celebrate the success of their recent tour they each decided to throw something out of the plane. The first throws a watermelon, the second throws yogurt, and the third throws a bomb. When they land they decide to go on a walk. The come across a boy in his yard crying. They asked what’s wrong and he said “I was playing in my yard and a watermelon hit my head and now I have a huge bump” and the first rockstar ran away. The other two continued walking. They come across a girl crying and they asked what’s wrong. She said “I was playing in my yard and yogurt hit my head and now my hair is gross” and the second rockstar ran away. Now it was just one rockstar walking and he came across and old man laughing. He asked what’s so funny and the old man said “I farted and my house blew up”.

The U.S. was testing aircraft bombing for WW1

So for the trial run, the pilot flew over by a rural country side and dropped an apple. When the soldier went to check on the landing he saw a little girl crying.

"Whats wrong?" - soldier

"An apple fell from the sky and killed my dog" - little girl

The soldier apologized and brought the girl a cat to play with. For the second run, the pilot dropped a watermelon. When the soldier went to inspect the drop he again sees the little girl crying.

"Whats wrong?" - soldier

"An apple fell from the sky and killed the cat" - little girl

The soldier again apologized and brought her a turtle. Seeing as how accurate both the apple and watermelon landed on their targets, the pilot decides to drop a bomb.

When the soldier goes down to inspect the damage, he again sees the little girl but she's crying with laughter.

"Why are you laughing?" - soldier

"My dad farted and blew the whole house up" - little girl

A guy walks into the doctors office with a stomach ache

Doctor says :"Sir, you have worms in you intestines."

Patient freaks out :"what do I do doc?! Get them out of me!!"

Doc replies: "there is only one solution for that, get a watermelon, cut it in half and sit on it. Their leader will come down, taste it and tell the others to come out and eat the watermelon."

Patient saw the logic in the doctor's reasoning and bought a watermelon on his way home. Cut it in half and sat on it. A few minutes later he felt a worm coming down eating some melon and going back up, a few moments later he felt all the worms moving out then they stopped. When he thought they had all left his body he heard the leader say : " Ready fellas? LIFT!"

The Watermelon Farmer

A watermelon farmer had a thief that would steal a few of his watermelons each year. Year after year it was the same thing, during harvest season a few of his watermelons would constantly be stolen. No matter what he tried to do, he was not able to catch the thief. So one year he finally got tired of it and tried something new, so he put a sign up in his pasture, "One of these watermelons are poisoned." Thinking he finally deterred the thief, he went to bed.

The next morning when he woke up to harvest, there was a new sign under his that read, "Now two of these watermelon are poisoned".

Some musician jokes

Q. Why don't violinists play hide and seek?

A. No one would look for them.

Q. How can you tell if a stage is level?

A. Drool is coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Q. What is the definition of perfect pitch?

A. Tossing an accordion into a dumpster without hitting the sides.


Q. How do you get two guitarists to play in unison?

A. Shoot one.

Q. How can you tell if a cello is out of tune?

A. The bow is moving.

Q. Why are musician jokes so short?

A. So the bassist can understand them.

Q. If a conductor and a watermelon are both dropped from a 24 story building, what hits the ground first?

A. Who cares?

Q. How can you keep your violin from being stolen?

A. Keep it in the violin case.

A joke from my childhood

Three men boarded a plane, a farmer, a teacher, and a soldier. Their plane crashed and released their luggage, but they survived. The farmer was looking for his suitcase full of watermelon when he saw a little boy crying, when asked why he responded
"because a watermelon fell on my dads head and he died."
The teacher was looking for her suitcase filled with books when she found a little girl in tears, she asked what was wrong and she said,
"A book fell on my daddy's head and he died."
The soldier was very worried looking for his suitcase with a bomb when he found a little boy in hysterics.
"What's so funny son?" he asked
"My dad farted and then he exploded."

Watermelon Farmer.

This is the best joke I know so I thought I would share, as far as I know it's original.

A successful watermelon farmer is having some trouble. Some kids keep stealing his crops at night while he sleeping.
To scare them away he makes a sign saying "Caution: One of these watermelons are poisoned".

The next morning, he wakes up to this sign: "Caution: Now two of these watermelons are poisoned".

A man goes on vacation and comes back home with stomach pain...

He goes to see a doctor, and after some testing, the doctor informs the man that he has worms in his stomach. The man begs the doctor for a remedy; so the doctor tells him to go to the market and get the sweetest watermelon he can find. After that, the doctor tells the man to go home, remove his clothing and sit on the watermelon. He explains how the worms will exit his body and move into the sweet watermelon. The doctor explains that if everything works, the man should be cured! So the man excitedly goes home and follows the doctors instructions. He sits on the watermelon and the worms start migrating down towards it. The leader of the worms inspects the sweet watermelon, and then shouts “Alright boys, bring it up!”

A boy is walking home with groceries and his border collie...

... and he comes across a pool of toxic waste.
Absolutely shocked at this sight, he dropped his groceries and let go of his dog. His dog wasn't the smartest, and it jumped into the toxic waste. The boy's groceries also fell in. After finally recovering, the boy called the cops to report both his dogs death and the toxic waste. When the cleanup crew arrived, they thanked the boy for reporting the spill, and apologised because they couldn't find his dog. However they did find that his watermelon had grown a snout and tail, and seemed to look like his dog. Suddenly, the watermelon started barking and running around. Somehow the watermelon he had bought and his dog had combined. He picked up the watermelon/border collie and hugged it, and it licked him back.

He embraced the melon-collie

An archery contest

Once upon a time there was an archery competition.

The first contestant, wearing a long cape covering his face, put a watermelon on a volunteer, took 100 paces away then turned and fired. The watermelon exploded. The archer took off his cape and claimed: I AM ROBINHOOD!

The second one with a hood put an apple above the volunteer head, took 200 paces and fired right through the apple. He then removed the hood and shouted: I AM BAYEK OF SIWA!

Finally, a third man with a mask lined up in position. He put a grape on the volunteer's head and went away for 500 paces. He shot, then grinned and said: ^^^^^I ^^^^^am ^^^^^sorry .

Two boys are camping in the woods when one of them collapses

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other boy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a brief silence when a sound like an axe hitting a watermelon is heard.

Back on the phone, the boy says, "OK, now what?

A farmer and his watermelons

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation.

So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

A man went to the doctor

The man told the doctor he had a kingdom of ants inside his butt the doctor told him to bring a fruit to attract the ants outside his butt. The man went home and placed a watermelon near his butt the ant king came out and tasted the watermelon


Then the ant king shouted:BOYS BRING IT IN

To celebrate their 10th anniversary, Fruit Ninja decides to host a live event.

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got above a certain score.

Everything goes smoothly and Fruit Ninja rents a huge outdoor space to host all of these different stations on the day of the event. The most popular one has to be the Katana Strawberry, with an estimated wait time of 2 hours. That is followed by the Tonfa Watermelon and the Spear Apple, with wait times lasting 1 hours and 30 minutes respectively.

Generally all of the stations are doing very well, but there's one where the crowd gathered appears to be more confused than anything. It's a green fruit but with no physical weapon in sight. Speculation spreads among the crowd, with theories ranging from "it's not one of the stations" to "somebody must have stolen the weapon".

However, one of the people in the crowd manages to pull over a Fruit Ninja employee to ask them what's going on.

The employee takes one look at the station and sighs, "I told them from the beginning that we should have ditched this idea or put up signs, because people are going to wonder about the lack of a weapon."

He continues, "Yeah, it's a really bad Punch Lime."

The best kind watermelon... Disclaimer:This joke was told by my grandmother

A fruit salesman was having a normal day in his fruit shop.

A customer came along and asked for his best watermelon, and the

owner gave him a watermelon.

The customer asked

"Are you sure this is the best watermelon you have?"

"Yes sir" replied the owner, " the finest watermelon I have."

The customer was about to leave with his new, ripe watermelon

when suddenly, a truck went off course from the road and was mere

inches away from the customer and the fruit shop owner. The fright

caused the customer to drop his watermelon, which opened and

revealed that it was actually a pasty white color, not the ruby red

color a regular ripe watermelon has! The customer asked "Hey, I thought

you said that this watermelon was the ripest one you had!"

The fruit shop owner replied "Well yes, it was, until the truck came along.

You can't blame the watermelon for being white after having a near-

death experience!

Popular Topics