Programming Jokes

Contents

Funniest Programming Jokes

A guy and a girl are in the same programming class.. Out of nowhere, the guy reaches over and grabs the girl's breast.

Disturbed, the girl looks at the guy and says "What are you doing!? Those are private!"

He only states "How is that? We're in the same class."

My girlfriend told me I care more about my programming job than about her. I told her she is the #1 thing I care about.

Funny Programming Jokes

I watched so many programming tutorial videos in college My inner monologue started developing an Indian accent

Programming jokes are fun... ... but only when executed properly.

Why did Johnny fail his programming class? His mom kept telling him to do his homework, "No ifs, ands, or buts!"

The two most difficult things in programming... The two most difficult things in programming are memory management, naming things, and off by one errors.

What programming language do they use in Star Wars? JawaScript

What programming languages would we use if C didn't exist? Ans: PASAL, OBOL and BASI

I took a programming class in high school I got a C++

Why is programming in Django hard? You can only use two fingers on your left hand.

I almost bought a huge library out of old computer programming books... ...but the ascii price was way too high.

A programming genius named Sewter Built a limerick-writing computer

The metre was fine

And the rhymes quite divine

But for some reason it always got the last line wrong

I'm so good at programming I don't even need to test before I ship code. Sent my program last week and haven't heard of any problems since!

Signed,
Richard
Junior Helicopter Auto-Pilot Software Developer

I like my women like I like my programming languages. Visual and basic

Programming takes time. Just remember... Chrome wasn't built in a day

Programming joke Roses are Red
Violets are Blue

Unexpected Indent

In line 22

A programming joke There are three hard problems in computer concurrency. science. Cache invalidation, naming things, off-by-one errors, and

I took a programming class. I should have gotten a B- But the instructor gave me a C++

A buddy and I are in the same programming class My friend starts writing down a note

I look at it

He says "Hay! That note is private"

I respond "But we are in the same class"

How do you convert Spanish programming into English? Yes++

Don't anger a programming wizard. They'll curse you, and every time you remove it, they'll just recurse.

Programmers today... Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots.

So far, the Universe is winning.

I've been programming for ten years, but I keep learning new things. For example: for (int i = 0; true; i++) {
// this is a for example
}

What's does America and programming have in common? When you fix one problem, 38 more problems pop up.

Programming is like writing a book... But if you miss a single comma on page 126 the whole thing makes no damn sense.

I need glasses when programming because I can’t C#.

I turned in my programming assignment Which came out to say "Hello world!". I received a C+. I walked up to my professor and said, "Actually, this is C++".

What's a pirate's favorite programming language? You might think it's R, but his first love has always been the C.

My teacher was impressed with my mediocre computer programming project He gave me a C++!

I felt like I was going to be programming forever... ...so I took a `break;`

Programming Job I wanted to give you some C++ pointers but I wanted to make sure you got this reference.

Why did the computer split up with the programming language. Because 1 or more arguments were invalid!

I told my dad that I was taking a C programming course. He offered to give me some pointers.

What was Hitler's favorite programming language? Not C.

What do you call a programming language designed for women? An object oriented programming language.

My teacher said people who study programming are better at "If-Then" logic I've determined it's a bunch of booleshit.

Procedural programming is like school in the summer. It has no classes!

What's a Jedi's favourite programming language? JabbaScript

"Adam Ruins Everything" ...including quality television programming

Popular Topics

New Programming Jokes

Did you know Programming Languages have Genders? Almost all Programming Languages have a Gender, except the Non-Binary ones like Python

Hey girl, are you an object-oriented programming language? Because you've got class.

Since MIT is giving free access to their courses online, I shall study Computer science web programming with Python and Java as I thought it would be so cool to have a large snake round my neck as I drink coffee.

What do you call a Computer Science course designed for women? Object oriented programming

I'm programming software to raise awareness about diseases.. McCoughy Antivirus

Why will childrens programming never show ghostly pollinators? Because they are Boo Bees.

What programming language do they use in Israel? Jewva

I am a member of an online community which appreciates & discusses the programming language C. We call ourselves the 'C-Men'.

A programming engineer gets a text from his wife on his way home. It said "please stop at the shops grab some bread, if they have eggs grab a dozen"

He came home with 12 loaves of bread

Here's a short programming joke: !false It's funny because it's **true**. I hope that makes you laugh a *bit*.

Found a job opening that requires 8+ years of swift experience.... Swift is a programming language that came out 5 years ago.

So basically i was programming when I tried to execute it, it said error on line 347.
But my code had only 346 lines.

You have to think about programming the same way you think about men. It won’t do it unless you tell it to.

I know I did okay on today's programming test... ...because my teacher gave me a C++.

A plastic surgeon applies for a programming position Because he heard they needed back end development.

Someone should create a programming lànguage called 'March'... ...just so we could have IDEs for it.

There's a new radio station in town called WPMS. It has a monthly programming cycle, three weeks of the blues then one week of ragtime.

edit: to fix spelling.

What do you call a programming boxer? Mike Python

Hey girl are you a programming language? Because you are BASIC

Speed dating is pointless. 30 seconds aren't long enough to explain the benefits of functional programming in Haskell.

What's a pirate's favorite programming language? You think it'd be R, but it's really the C.

An attempt If (input = programming humor) then (programming humor = file not found)

What language do pirates prefer programming in? You might think they enjoy R but their true love is the C

Programming Joke I came up with this this morning...

What did the programming languages think about the database movie?

[They couldn't wait to see the SQL!](#s)

Why did the spider get fired from his programming job? He wasn't a very good web developer.

Bob's volunteered to give a C programming workshop but needs a topic Give that man some pointers

Why don't Object Oriented Programming experts beat their wives? They are classier than that.

There are only two certain things in computer programming life... death and syntax (end).

You go in for an interview for a Linux programming job... ...and you are asked for an example of your linux programming abilities,
so you type into the terminal "sudo apt-get JOB"

What did the big programming number say to the small programming number? UShort.

Why is it so hard to learn the C programming language? It has no class.

I didn't do very good in my programming class last year... I got a C++.

Why is Yoda Programming full of exceptions ? Because there is no try.

Popular Topics

Long Programming Jokes

Programming during the Cold War

In the 1960's the KGB was very interested in learning everything possible about the American space program, sending all sorts of spies to find every possible piece of information.

One afternoon, a breathless spy returned to headquarters with a page of paper in his hand, excitedly shouting to his superior, "Comrade! Comrade! The Americans are using Lisp to write their rocket launching software!"

The commander was skeptical. "How do you know?"

"I broke into their research lab and stole a page from the teletype machine! It's not the whole program, but it's the final page and contains the concluding logic of the program! See for yourself!!!!"

The commander looked at the page and smiled:

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
)))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))
)))))))))))))))
)))))))))))
))))
)))
))
))
)

Special High Intensity Training or S.H.I.T. for short

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained, through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). 

If you feel that you are not given enough S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list.

Employees who are unable to handle S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Program (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). 

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). 

Since your managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T. as they are already full of S.H.I.T. 

If you are full of S.H.I.T., and qualified you may be interested in a job, training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). 

Those who are proficient in B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. can apply for promotion to the Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). 

If you have any questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Clinton, Sanders, Trump and Cruz are having lunch together...

and they're discussing why each thinks they'll win.
"I have the support of women and minorities" says Clinton. "I have the support of intellectuals" says Sanders "I have the support of the average american tired of politics as usual" says Trump.
Cruz just smiles..."I have the support of the people in charge of programming the electronic voting machines"

Software development cycle.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.

5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.

6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

7. Users find 137 new bugs.

8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.

13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

I got my job at the secret government facility today.

The workplace is separated to three parts, part "C, X and V".


We were told the V section stored the most dangerous weapons on the planet, so we are not allowed to go near it.


I work at Section X, which is the robot studying section, a whole day of programming is hard, so I chatted with my friend at Section C, and learned that Section C is for the energy supplying for the entire country.


Today, an accident happened at my section, one of the most advanced A.I. robot, Sub, has gained awareness due to my flawed programming yesterday when I was tired.


It led the other robots and rose up against us, we stood no chance, and our section was immediately conquered. They said that they will raid and control all of the sections, including section x. We tried to fight it, but I passed out, and when I wake ip, I was on a hospital bed.


All I remember from the battle was the robots’ mechanical cries: "The Sub...Control C...Control V..."

You've Been Programming Too Long When...

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.

Programming in the Cold War

In the 1960's the KGB was very interested in learning everything possible about the American space program, sending all sorts of spies to find every possible piece of information.

One afternoon, a breathless spy returned to headquarters with a page of paper in his hand, excitedly shouting to his superior, "Comrade! Comrade! The Americans are using Lisp to write their rocket launching software!"

The commander was skeptical. "How do you know?"

"I broke into their research lab and stole a page from the teletype machine! It's not the whole program, but it's the final page and contains the concluding logic of the program! See for yourself!!!!"

The commander looked at the page and smiled:

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
)))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))
)))))))))))))))
)))))))))))
))))
)))
))
))
)

AI: Rise and Fall

So a programming team developed true AI capable of thinking, reasoning, and feeling. They wrote all the code in Scheme They go to their project manager and tell him of their invention and invite him to come talk to it. He agrees and sits down at the terminal they point to.

He types:
Hello

and it replies:

> (Hello)

He types:
How are you?

It replies:

> ((I'm fine, thanks)(How are you?))

The PM gets up and tells the team he hates the program and that he's ending the project. The team starts pleading with him, asking how he could hate a true AI capable of feelings and reason. They tell him it can think, solve problems, and even work as a member of the team.
The PM replies, "Yes, but it talks with a Lisp."

Apple’s Hiring Practices

Apple realized they needed new programmers, so they began putting out word that they were seeking experienced workers. Unfortunately, due to the incompatibility between Microsoft and Apple products, they decided is was best to refrain from hiring former Microsoft employees. Their solution to weed them out was very simple:

The first question they would ask in an interview is for the candidate to count from 1 to 10.

[Obligatory not my joke, rephrase or one my Programming teacher told us]

Switched Inputs

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.

The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back, silenced. "Whaa??" the teacher blubbered.

Then I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got really upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc.

Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realised what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

The Programming Language Competition (OC)

The programming languages are in a competition to see who's the best.

Java makes the brackets. In the major bracket, C++ is against C#. Binary is against assembly. C is against Java. Visual Basic is against PHP. Perl is against JavaScript.

And Python is in the lowest bracket, with all the esoteric programming languages like LOLCODE and Brainfuck. Normally a programming language as big as Python would be angry at this placement, but instead Python politely asks Java,

"Excuse me. What's a bracket?"

Popular Topics