Coffee Jokes

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Funniest Coffee Jokes

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee" Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

Score: 18857

My wife left me because I am insecure No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.

Score: 18854

My hot flight attendant asked how I like my coffee Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that's when she told me "That's cute honey, but the coffee's free. You don't have to pay for it here!"

Score: 13048

Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee? 'Cause they hate the French press

Score: 1799

I like my coffee like I like my women Purchased cheaply after having been raised in exploitative conditions.

Edit: wow, front page with an "I like my coffee like I like my women" joke. You should all be ashamed of yourselves!

Score: 1516

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.

Score: 1378

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee." Astronaut:"In space no one can. Here, use cream.

Score: 910

My wife left me because I’m too insecure. No wait, she's back.

She just went to make some coffee.

Score: 853

Astronaut 1: hey I can't find any milk for my coffee Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.

Score: 791

I like my women like I like my coffee I've never had coffee but it smells really nice

Score: 727

This morning I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water... ...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...

Score: 710

This morning i used redbull instead of water to make my coffee. After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, i realized i left my car at home!!!

Score: 630

I like my coffee like I like my wives, From a third world country at a reasonable price.

Score: 604

I had coffee with Red Bull this morning... After about 10 minutes on the highway, I realized I left my car at home.

Score: 595

I used Redbull instead of water to brew my coffee today Got halfway to work, realized I forgot my car.

Score: 558

My wife walks into the kitchen Me: it sure is muggy outside

Wife: if you put all the mugs on the porch I'm leaving you

*Sips coffee out of bowl*

Score: 553

I like my coffee how I like the slaves: Free

Score: 494

If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead

Score: 467

My boyfriend left me because of my anxiety issues... Oh, wait. He just went to the kitchen to grab some coffee.

Score: 466

Me: "Gee honey, it sure is muggy out today!" Her: "If I walk outside and all of our mugs are on the front porch, I'm leaving you."

Me: *sips coffee from a bowl*

Score: 410

A man spits out his coffee "This tastes like mud!" he said.
"Well of course. It was just ground this morning" replied the waiter.

Score: 407

This barista at StarBucks looked so nervous as she handed me my coffee. I think she was scared because she spelt my name wrong, she wrote "callthecops".

I didn't bother leaving a tip.

Score: 406

I like my coffee like my slaves Free

Score: 389

If your coffee tastes like mud... It's probably fresh ground...

Score: 365

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" "Yeah..." she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

Score: 359

I like my women like I like my coffee. Thrown into a burlap sack and transported illegally across Central America.

Score: 326

Why did the hipster burn his mouth while drinking coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool

Score: 314

I like my women like I like my coffee. I have a deep respect for coffee and would never discriminate against coffee based on its gender.

Score: 300

I like my coffee the same way I like my slaves.... Free.

Score: 292

As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her, “So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?”

She answered, “Well... for as long as you like.”

“What, not even for coffee??”

Score: 289

Why did the hipster burn his lip when sipping coffee? He drank it before it was cool.

Score: 46

My Jewish friend is going to open a coffee shop. Suggested he name it Hebrew.

Score: 27

When born, Arnold Schwarzenegger got a job serving spaghetti for a local coffee shop. He was known as the pasta barista baby.

Score: 21

Why did the hipster burn his lip on his coffee? He drank it before it was cool.

Score: 17

CNN is like coffee They spend all day getting roasted

Score: 9

I tried to train several baby cows to drink coffee. But only one calf in eight did.

Score: 8

Why didn't the lawyer steal his coffee? He wanted legal grounds.

Score: 7

I went to a coffee shop before work this morning. The coffee tasted like mud.
So I told the barista.
She told me it was fresh ground.

Score: 7

What do you get when you pour coffee into a black hole? Hyperspace.

Score: 7

A teenager buys his mom some coffee mugs for Christmas... The mom says, "not this again, you already gave me an ugly mug 16 years ago."

Score: 6

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New Coffee Jokes

Why did the hipster burn his throat while drinking coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool.

Score: 0

What kind of coffee do they serve at the insane asylum? Chock full O' Nuts!

Score: 0

Astronaut 1: Hey I can't find the milk for my coffee. Astronaut 2: In space no one can, here use cream.

Score: 4

What is an amnesiacs favorite coffee? Affogato

Score: 1

Mike Pence and Donald Trump are getting coffee. Trump: I will have less sugars.
Pence: Actually boss, it’s fewer.
Trump: I told you not to call me that outside of the bedroom.

Score: 4

A new barista got hired at a coffee shop. After the first month, he was still using the wrong grind settings for different brewing methods. The boss pulled him aside, shaking his head at the coffee. “These are grounds for termination,” he said.

Score: 2

Why do coffee barista always ask how do i like my coffee! Im not sure how else but, I always say. i like to drink it in a cup please.

Score: 1

A Cheemistry teacher asks her students what is the greatest invention of Chemistry "Coffee" a student replies

"And why is that?" the teacher asks, a bit bewildered

"Because it allows me to survive your lessons"

Score: 1

Th way I like my coffee is the same way I like jokes about the way I like my coffee. I don't.

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As seen above, the way I like my jokes is the same way I like my clothes from target... Stolen.

Score: 3

We engineers are way too condescending to liberal arts majors despite the fact that we absolutely need them. After all, somebody’s got to brew our coffee at Starbucks.

Score: 2

I like my coffee how I like my women Dark, delicate, and shipped to me in a box straight from Colombia

Score: 4

I mixed my coffee with Red Bull this morning. I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

Score: 6

What does a person with Alzheimer's say when they order a coffee? I'm sorry, who are you again?

Score: 2

A man goes to a doctor complainimg of pain in the eye everytime he drank coffee. The Doctor replied, 'Next time take the spoon out before you drink'.

Score: 0

George W Bush likes his coffee likes he has his Secertary of State Black but not to sweet

Score: 0

Want to hear a confusing joke? Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"
Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

Score: 1

Did you hear about the hipster who burnt her tongue? She drank her coffee before it was cool.

Score: 1

I like my women how I like my coffee Ariana Grande

Score: 1

What’s the Biblical time’s equivalent to Starbucks coffee? Hebrews Coffee

Score: 0

Jeffrey Dahmer told reporters he liked his women like his coffee... Ground up and in the freezer.

Score: 1

I like my coffee how I like my women Not bitter

Score: 2

A little old lady told me this at work. Who is the most popular male at a nudist colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee and 12 donuts.

And the most popular woman?

The lady that can eat the last donut without getting her hands sticky.

Score: 4

I think it is truly amazing how music can take us to other places so quickly Per example, yesterday I was at Starbucks and Meghan Trainor started playing. I immediately went to the coffee shop on the other side of the street

Score: 2

What was the most popular German coffee product during World War 2? Cream Mate

Score: 1

Santa was late delivering presents on Christmas because his reindeer needed so many coffee breaks They were all star bucks

Score: 2

Why did the bus driver drop his coffee? Because he hit a bump in the road.

What was the bump in the road?
Little Timmy.

Score: 1

Love is like a cup of hot coffee on a rainy day... It gets cold really fast.

Score: 2

Why do terrorist only drink insta-coffee? because they hate french press.

(I hope this isn't too soon.)

Score: 2

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