Coffee Jokes

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Funniest Coffee Jokes

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee" Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

Score: 18857

My wife left me because I am insecure No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.

Score: 18854

My hot flight attendant asked how I like my coffee Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that's when she told me "That's cute honey, but the coffee's free. You don't have to pay for it here!"

Score: 13048

Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee? 'Cause they hate the French press

Score: 1799

I like my coffee like I like my women Purchased cheaply after having been raised in exploitative conditions.

Edit: wow, front page with an "I like my coffee like I like my women" joke. You should all be ashamed of yourselves!

Score: 1516

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.

Score: 1378

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee." Astronaut:"In space no one can. Here, use cream.

Score: 910

My wife left me because I’m too insecure. No wait, she's back.

She just went to make some coffee.

Score: 853

Astronaut 1: hey I can't find any milk for my coffee Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.

Score: 791

I like my women like I like my coffee I've never had coffee but it smells really nice

Score: 727

This morning I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water... ...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...

Score: 710

This morning i used redbull instead of water to make my coffee. After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, i realized i left my car at home!!!

Score: 630

I like my coffee like I like my wives, From a third world country at a reasonable price.

Score: 604

I had coffee with Red Bull this morning... After about 10 minutes on the highway, I realized I left my car at home.

Score: 595

I used Redbull instead of water to brew my coffee today Got halfway to work, realized I forgot my car.

Score: 558

My wife walks into the kitchen Me: it sure is muggy outside

Wife: if you put all the mugs on the porch I'm leaving you

*Sips coffee out of bowl*

Score: 553

I like my coffee how I like the slaves: Free

Score: 494

If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead

Score: 467

My boyfriend left me because of my anxiety issues... Oh, wait. He just went to the kitchen to grab some coffee.

Score: 466

Me: "Gee honey, it sure is muggy out today!" Her: "If I walk outside and all of our mugs are on the front porch, I'm leaving you."

Me: *sips coffee from a bowl*

Score: 410

A man spits out his coffee "This tastes like mud!" he said.
"Well of course. It was just ground this morning" replied the waiter.

Score: 407

This barista at StarBucks looked so nervous as she handed me my coffee. I think she was scared because she spelt my name wrong, she wrote "callthecops".

I didn't bother leaving a tip.

Score: 406

I like my coffee like my slaves Free

Score: 389

If your coffee tastes like mud... It's probably fresh ground...

Score: 365

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" "Yeah..." she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

Score: 359

I like my women like I like my coffee. Thrown into a burlap sack and transported illegally across Central America.

Score: 326

Why did the hipster burn his mouth while drinking coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool

Score: 314

I like my women like I like my coffee. I have a deep respect for coffee and would never discriminate against coffee based on its gender.

Score: 300

I like my coffee the same way I like my slaves.... Free.

Score: 292

As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her, “So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?”

She answered, “Well... for as long as you like.”

“What, not even for coffee??”

Score: 289

I used to get sharp pains in my eye when I drank coffee... My doctor said, take the spoon out of the mug

Score: 42

Why do Jewish women never make coffee? Because Hebrew

Score: 26

Why does the hipster make crappy coffee? The beans are always under-ground.

Score: 22

Why did the hipster burn his lip on his coffee? He drank it before it was cool.

Score: 17

I like my coffee how I like my women... I don't like coffee.

Score: 17

Tried to make my coffee with Red Bull today... I made it all the way to work before I realized I had forgotten my truck.

Score: 16

I ordered a coffee and it tasted awful. I called the waiter over and said "This coffee tastes like mud!" They replied: Thank you sir, it's fresh ground! "

Score: 12

I like my coffee how I like my calculus expressions: Limitless.

Score: 10

What is the most offensive coffee to tornado victims? House blend.

Score: 9

This morning I was really tired, so I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

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Not really a joke, I just heard this years ago and it still makes me laugh.

Score: 8

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New Coffee Jokes

Why did the Swede drink on the floor of Starbucks? Because he was told it was ground coffee

Score: 0

Why did the hipster burn his throat while drinking coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool.

Score: 0

What kind of coffee do they serve at the insane asylum? Chock full O' Nuts!

Score: 0

Why did the British guy spit the coffee at a cafe? He wanted a property.

Score: 0

A kid walks up to his mom and says “mom, I like my women how I like my coffee” The mom replies with “but son you don’t like coffee”

Score: 5

Astronaut 1: Hey I can't find the milk for my coffee. Astronaut 2: In space no one can, here use cream.

Score: 4

I like my coffee how I like my women Ground up and liquified.

Score: 3

I like my coffee how I like my women Nonexistent, because I don’t drink coffee and I’ll never get a girlfriend

Score: 4

I tried to train several baby cows to drink coffee. But only one calf in eight did.

Score: 8

I went to a coffee shop before work this morning. The coffee tasted like mud.
So I told the barista.
She told me it was fresh ground.

Score: 7

A new barista got hired at a coffee shop. After the first month, he was still using the wrong grind settings for different brewing methods. The boss pulled him aside, shaking his head at the coffee. “These are grounds for termination,” he said.

Score: 2

Why do coffee barista always ask how do i like my coffee! Im not sure how else but, I always say. i like to drink it in a cup please.

Score: 1

Th way I like my coffee is the same way I like jokes about the way I like my coffee. I don't.

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As seen above, the way I like my jokes is the same way I like my clothes from target... Stolen.

Score: 3

We engineers are way too condescending to liberal arts majors despite the fact that we absolutely need them. After all, somebody’s got to brew our coffee at Starbucks.

Score: 2

I mixed my coffee with Red Bull this morning. I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

Score: 6

What does a person with Alzheimer's say when they order a coffee? I'm sorry, who are you again?

Score: 2

A man goes to a doctor complainimg of pain in the eye everytime he drank coffee. The Doctor replied, 'Next time take the spoon out before you drink'.

Score: 0

George W Bush likes his coffee likes he has his Secertary of State Black but not to sweet

Score: 0

Want to hear a confusing joke? Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"
Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

Score: 1

Did you hear about the hipster who burnt her tongue? She drank her coffee before it was cool.

Score: 1

A teenager buys his mom some coffee mugs for Christmas... The mom says, "not this again, you already gave me an ugly mug 16 years ago."

Score: 6

What’s the Biblical time’s equivalent to Starbucks coffee? Hebrews Coffee

Score: 0

What’s the Biblical equivalent to Starbucks? Hebrews Coffee

Score: 2

Jeffrey Dahmer told reporters he liked his women like his coffee... Ground up and in the freezer.

Score: 1

My friend asked me to come to his Halloween party dressed as a piccolo coffee I told him I’d be a little latte

Score: 3

What did Senor Leche Gato say when the barista asked for his name and whether he wanted anything mixed into his coffee? “Soy Milk.”

Score: 2

A little old lady told me this at work. Who is the most popular male at a nudist colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee and 12 donuts.

And the most popular woman?

The lady that can eat the last donut without getting her hands sticky.

Score: 4

What do the zodiac signs use to pay for coffee? Starbucks

Score: 1

Why didn't the lawyer steal his coffee? He wanted legal grounds.

Score: 7

I like my girls how I like my Starbucks coffee. Expensive and underwhelming.

Score: 4

I think it is truly amazing how music can take us to other places so quickly Per example, yesterday I was at Starbucks and Meghan Trainor started playing. I immediately went to the coffee shop on the other side of the street

Score: 2

What was the most popular German coffee product during World War 2? Cream Mate

Score: 1

Marshal was mad "why my coffee's so weak, man?" The barista said "You only get one shot."

Score: 2

Saw a coworker putting protein powder into his coffee today Guess he likes his coffee strong.

Score: 1

Santa was late delivering presents on Christmas because his reindeer needed so many coffee breaks They were all star bucks

Score: 2

How does Moses makes his coffee? Hebrews it.

Score: 8

Why doesn't Coffee get along with milk in Germany? Cause it doesn't want to be latte.



Sorry. I just came up with this lame joke. Downvotes ahoy!

Score: 1

Love is like a cup of hot coffee on a rainy day... It gets cold really fast.

Score: 2

You never have to worry about Starbucks running short on coffee. I hear they always have a latte

Score: 1

A man orders a coffee without milk. The barista replies, "I'm sorry, we're out of milk. Can I get you a coffee without cream instead?"

Score: 2

I was chatting to this nun So I was chatting to this nun right, asking her about her daily life. So I asked her, "do you wake up, have a cup of coffee and then go to church?"

She replied, "don't be silly, a nun's habits aren't as black and white as that"

Score: 2

Made up my own joke today when visiting my brother. I like my coffee like I like my woman. Made by your grandmother.

Yes we do your mamma jokes even though we're brothers.

Score: 6

What's the difference between a bad coffee in Switzerland and a bad coffee in Italy? When you drink a bad coffee in Switzerland you say, "Merci!".

Score: 3

the barista at my coffee shop talked me into trying a funky new coffee. I took a drink and told her it tasted like dirt and she said, "well that's cuz it's fresh ground."

Score: 5

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