Hilarious Coffee Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Coffee Jokes

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee" Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

Score: 18857

My wife left me because I am insecure No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.

Score: 18854

My hot flight attendant asked how I like my coffee Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that's when she told me "That's cute honey, but the coffee's free. You don't have to pay for it here!"

Score: 13048

Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee? 'Cause they hate the French press

Score: 1799

I like my coffee like I like my women Purchased cheaply after having been raised in exploitative conditions.

Edit: wow, front page with an "I like my coffee like I like my women" joke. You should all be ashamed of yourselves!

Score: 1516

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.

Score: 1378

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee." Astronaut:"In space no one can. Here, use cream.

Score: 910

My wife left me because I’m too insecure. No wait, she's back.

She just went to make some coffee.

Score: 853

Astronaut 1: hey I can't find any milk for my coffee Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.

Score: 791

I like my women like I like my coffee I've never had coffee but it smells really nice

Score: 727

This morning I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water... ...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...

Score: 710

This morning i used redbull instead of water to make my coffee. After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, i realized i left my car at home!!!

Score: 630

I like my coffee like I like my wives, From a third world country at a reasonable price.

Score: 604

I had coffee with Red Bull this morning... After about 10 minutes on the highway, I realized I left my car at home.

Score: 595

I used Redbull instead of water to brew my coffee today Got halfway to work, realized I forgot my car.

Score: 558

My wife walks into the kitchen Me: it sure is muggy outside

Wife: if you put all the mugs on the porch I'm leaving you

*Sips coffee out of bowl*

Score: 553

I like my coffee how I like the slaves: Free

Score: 494

If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead

Score: 467

My boyfriend left me because of my anxiety issues... Oh, wait. He just went to the kitchen to grab some coffee.

Score: 466

Me: "Gee honey, it sure is muggy out today!" Her: "If I walk outside and all of our mugs are on the front porch, I'm leaving you."

Me: *sips coffee from a bowl*

Score: 410

A man spits out his coffee "This tastes like mud!" he said.
"Well of course. It was just ground this morning" replied the waiter.

Score: 407

This barista at StarBucks looked so nervous as she handed me my coffee. I think she was scared because she spelt my name wrong, she wrote "callthecops".

I didn't bother leaving a tip.

Score: 406

I like my coffee like my slaves Free

Score: 389

If your coffee tastes like mud... It's probably fresh ground...

Score: 365

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" "Yeah..." she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

Score: 359

I like my women like I like my coffee. Thrown into a burlap sack and transported illegally across Central America.

Score: 326

Why did the hipster burn his mouth while drinking coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool

Score: 314

I like my women like I like my coffee. I have a deep respect for coffee and would never discriminate against coffee based on its gender.

Score: 300

I like my coffee the same way I like my slaves.... Free.

Score: 292

As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her, “So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?”

She answered, “Well... for as long as you like.”

“What, not even for coffee??”

Score: 289

I once mixed Red Bull and coffee After 20 minutes on highway I noticed that I forgot my car at home

Score: 270

My sister made me some coffee today Me: You make a mean cup of coffee, sis

Her: It was good?

Me: I just said it was average.

Score: 261

I like my women like I like my coffee. From a third world country and at a reasonable price.

Score: 254

There is a time and place for decaf coffee Never and in the trash.

Score: 159

I like my slaves like I like my coffee Free....you racist

Score: 149

Why do kids hate coffee, but adults enjoy it? Because, when you're a kid, coffee is the bitterest experience you've had in life.

Score: 129

The tea and coffee are married, but the tea leaves. Does that give the coffee grounds for divorce?

Score: 127

I like my women like I like my coffee Absolutely no pubes

Score: 124

I like my women like I like my coffee... Ground up in my freezer.

Score: 124

My wife left me because I'm too insecure No wait, she's back.

She was just making some coffee.

Score: 80

New Coffee Jokes

I tried to train several baby cows to drink coffee. But only one calf in eight did.

Score: 8

I ordered a coffee and it tasted awful. I called the waiter over and said "This coffee tastes like mud!" They replied: Thank you sir, it's fresh ground! "

Score: 12

Why did the hipster burn his lip on his coffee? He drank it before it was cool.

Score: 17

When born, Arnold Schwarzenegger got a job serving spaghetti for a local coffee shop. He was known as the pasta barista baby.

Score: 21

I like my men like I like my coffee Tied up on the back of a donkey, led by a Columbian.

Score: 10

I like my women like I like my coffee. Hot, covered in cream, and purchased from a large multinational corporation with a history of exploitation

Score: 18

What kind of coffee do Emo's drink? Depresso's

Score: 12

Where does coffee go when it dies? A bitter place.

Score: 15

Between Coffee and Cocaine… …it seems like the country of Colombia just wants to wake up the world.

Edit: Spelling

Score: 38

This morning I mixed Red Bull with my coffee This morning I mixed Red Bull with my coffee. I was more than half way to work before I realized that I forgot my car.

Score: 13

I like my kids like I like my coffee Grounded.

Score: 25

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

Score: 79

What do Ginger Baker and 7/11 Coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.

Score: 8

Why did the Jew open the coffee shop? Hebrews

Score: 47

What is the difference between a coffee shop and a brothel? My girlfriend never asks for a large black at the coffee shop.

Score: 26

How does a rabbi makes his coffee? Hebrews it.

Score: 14

I like my women how I like my coffee. I’ve never had coffee but it smells really nice.

Score: 11

Courtesy of my 6-year-old: How does a coffee mug fight off dementors? Espresso patronum

Score: 22

What are coffee shops in Russia called? Tsarbucks.

Score: 8

I like my women like I like my coffee Rich, white, and creamy

Score: 13

Between the Coffee and the Cocaine I think it's Colombia's mission to keep the world awake.

Score: 8

A guy walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go The coffee gets up and leaves

Score: 60

I'm about to have a dangerous cup of coffee... ...safe tea first, though.

Score: 13

Why did the coffee burn the hipster? Because he drank it before it was cool.

Score: 18

I like women like I like my coffee. Spilling out of their cups.

Score: 10

I like my women like I like my coffee Full of alcohol

Score: 16

I like my women how I like my coffee... Creamed.

Score: 8

CNN is like coffee They spend all day getting roasted

Score: 9

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah," she replied, "…but I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"

Score: 63

I like my women how I like my coffee... ...raised by impoverished farmers in Southeast Asia.

Score: 22

How do you know who the most popular man at a nudist colony is? The one that can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts

How to tell who the most popular woman is?
The one that can eat the last donut

Score: 12

[original] Why don't you serve police unfiltered coffee? Because that's grounds for arrest.

Score: 20

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband... Wife: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!

Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.

Score: 38

Women are like coffee Tastes weird to start, but you get used to it

Score: 13

Just had a coffee and it was so black and rich, a Kardashian just tried to sleep with it.

Score: 79

popular male at a nudist colony Q: Who's the most popular male at a nudist colony?
A: The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

Score: 9

My girlfriend reminds me of my pinky toe She's small, cute, and will probably end up getting banged on my coffee table tonight

Score: 45

Who's the most popular guy in the nudist camp? The one who can carry two cups of coffee and nine donuts.

Who's the most popular lady in the nudist camp?

The one who can eat the last donut.

Score: 70

I like my women like I like my coffee. Wrapped in a burlap sack and hauled across the border on a donkey by Juan Valdez.

Score: 60

People tell me my coffee tastes like dirt... It was just ground this morning!

Score: 10

My girlfriend left me because I was too insecure. No. Wait. She's back. She just went to go make coffee.

Score: 14

I like my coffee like I like my women. Black and straight from the plantation.

Score: 7

Why did the hipster burn his lip when sipping coffee? He drank it before it was cool.

Score: 46

John robbed some coffee from Starbucks the other day. The police are charging him for mugging.

Score: 39

I like my men like I like my coffee Made by my mother-in-law.

Score: 13

Why did the bee order a cup of coffee? For a quick buzz

Score: 8

Potassium texted Sodium asking to go for coffee Sodium just said Na.

Potassium replied K.

Score: 20

Why does Eminem serve weak coffee? You only get one shot.

Score: 16

Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank the coffee before it was cool 😎

Score: 7

Dad joke [OC] *My dad with a coffee at the gas station cash register:*

Cashier: any gas with that?

Dad: no thanks, I drink mine black

Score: 16

I like my coffee like i like my women... ...from a third world country and at a reasonable price!

Score: 31

I told the waitress my coffee tasted like mud... "It should. It was fresh ground this morning"

Score: 51

This morning I mixed redbull with coffee to help me wake up. I got about halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

Score: 60

What is the most offensive coffee to tornado victims? House blend.

Score: 9

How does it feel to be out of coffee? Depresso.

Score: 15

I cant stand this politically correct society much longer. I can't even order coffee anymore. I used to go to the store and just say "I'll take my coffee black." Now I have to say "I'll take my coffee jeniqua."

Score: 24

I like my coffee like I like my wife... cold and bitter.

Score: 14

Do you know what's black and doesn't work? Decaf Coffee.

Score: 18

Why do programmers drink coffee so much? So they aren't lying when they say they like Java.

Score: 7

Why did the hipster get burned when he drank his coffee? The barista make a joke about sleeping with his mother.

Score: 79