Coffee Jokes

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Funniest Coffee Jokes

What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream? Everyone I ask can't remember either.

I broke up with my girlfriend because I like my women like I like my coffee Without other people's dicks in it.

I like my coffee like I like my women Purchased cheaply after having been raised in exploitative conditions.

Edit: wow, front page with an "I like my coffee like I like my women" joke. You should all be ashamed of yourselves!

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.

Astronaut 1: hey I can't find any milk for my coffee Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.

I like my women like I like my coffee I've never had coffee but it smells really nice

This morning I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water... ...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...

Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination. They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed

I like my coffee like I like my wives, From a third world country at a reasonable price.

I had coffee with Red Bull this morning... After about 10 minutes on the highway, I realized I left my car at home.

I used Redbull instead of water to brew my coffee today Got halfway to work, realized I forgot my car.

My wife walks into the kitchen Me: it sure is muggy outside

Wife: if you put all the mugs on the porch I'm leaving you

*Sips coffee out of bowl*

I like my coffee how I like the slaves: Free

If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead

Me: "Gee honey, it sure is muggy out today!" Her: "If I walk outside and all of our mugs are on the front porch, I'm leaving you."

Me: *sips coffee from a bowl*

A man spits out his coffee "This tastes like mud!" he said.
"Well of course. It was just ground this morning" replied the waiter.

I like my coffee like my slaves Free

If your coffee tastes like mud... It's probably fresh ground...

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" "Yeah..." she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

I like my women like I like my coffee. I have a deep respect for coffee and would never discriminate against coffee based on its gender.

I like my coffee the same way I like my slaves.... Free.

I once mixed Red Bull and coffee After 20 minutes on highway I noticed that I forgot my car at home

My sister made me some coffee today Me: You make a mean cup of coffee, sis

Her: It was good?

Me: I just said it was average.

Every year we spend more on coffee than we do on educating our children how do we sleep at night?

What's black and doesn't work? Decaffeinated coffee

"Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt..." "It was ground this morning, sir."

Who is the most popular guy in the nudist colony? The one that can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts at the same time.

The most popular woman?

The one that can eat the 12th doughnut.

I like my coffee how I like my women Imported from poor South American countries.

Someone stole my coffee cup from work today. I'm off to the police station to look at mug shots.

:)

There is a time and place for decaf coffee Never and in the trash.

Coffee is the silent victim in our house... It gets mugged every day.

I like my slaves like I like my coffee Free....you racist

Excuse me waiter, this coffee tastes like mud Yes sir, it's fresh ground!

Why do kids hate coffee, but adults enjoy it? Because, when you're a kid, coffee is the bitterest experience you've had in life.

Someone stole my coffee cup from work today. Just off down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.

The tea and coffee are married, but the tea leaves. Does that give the coffee grounds for divorce?

I also like my coffee like i like my slaves. Hand-picked from a third world country.

...I'll show myself out.

I like my women like I like my coffee Absolutely no pubes

I like my coffee like I like my slaves... Free

My wife left me because I am insecure No wait, she was just out getting coffee

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New Coffee Jokes

Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today... Will get a free Venti later

This joke is out of this world. Astronaut 1 : Hi mate, I can't find any milk for my coffee
Astronaut 2 : In space , no one can. Here, use cream.

My husband died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work. He didn't suffer, it was instant.

Every time I drank coffee I would get this sharp pain in my eye... I've started taking the spoon out now.

My waiter just spilled coffee all over me. I know it was just an accident, but I'm still bitter.

What should you do if drinking coffee hurts your eyes? Take the spoon out of the cup.

A man says to his waiter, ‘Excuse me sir, this coffee is cold’ The waiter replies, ‘Thanks for telling me. I’ll make a note on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro more’.

When my 5 year old son asked me what coffee tastes like; I said, “Unfortunately, not as good as it smells.” And he said, “Oh. Like shampoo.”

Doctor: “There has been a terrible accident. Your wife has died...” Husband: “But she only just went out to get milk...”

Doctor: “I’m so sorry.”

Husband: “I can’t...” No... No...

“I can’t have coffee without milk, I just can’t.”

This morning I acidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. I got half way to work before I realized I had forgotten my car.

What’s your favourite type of coffee to drink while respecting the ‘stay at home’ order during the pandemic? Mine’s depresso.

Whenever we had guests over, my wife would get embarrassed because I have the mind of a child. In a jar. On the coffee table. (Credit to Stephen King for this one)

They call me 007 at work 0 motivation

0 skills

7 coffee breaks

A chemist wants to open up a coffee shop When the FDA comes to check his facility, they ask about his coffee recipe. He says, "I'm not like these other coffee shops. My coffee is made using pure science!

One part carbon monoxide and 2 parts iron."

I WAS feeling lonely until I glued my coffee cup onto my car, now, everyone waves at me..

Coffee When I drink coffee I can’t sleep.


Really? I have the exact opposite.


Wow, seriously?


Yes, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.

I finally leveled up my coffee game. All that grinding was worth it.

I like my coffee like I like my women Flat white

Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination. They're the reason ice mocha a lot of weed

I like my coffee like I like my women... Drunk passenger: Could I get some coffee?
Flight attendant: How would you like your coffee?
Passenger: I like my coffee like I like my women.
Flight attendant: Sir, I don't think you want to pay $100 for a cup of coffee.

This morning, I accidentally made my coffee with red bull instead of water... ... I was already on the highway, when I noticed I forgot my car at home...

What currency can we use to buy coffee in space S T A R B U C K S

What do you call a Jewish Mr. Coffee machine? A He Brew

My wife left me because I'm so insecure No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee

I like my women how I like my coffee From a truck stop

In honour of International Coffee day. I like my women like I my coffee. Cheap, artificially sweet and called Joe.

Where do Russians buy their coffee from? Tsarbucks.

Coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc Just know that I don’t give eeffoc until i’ve had my morning coffee.

I hate talking to people until I have had my morning coffee I don't drink coffee

Saw a guy today at starbucks He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop.

He just sat there drinking coffee like a psycho

I like my women like I like my coffee Sweet, always there for me, and making me feel better when I'm tired

I like my coffee like I like my slaves. I don't like coffee.

What do you call the first level of a coffee factory? The ground floor.

Marijuana and coffee is my favorite combination it's the reason ice mocha lot of weed.

I like my coffee how I like my women... I don't like coffee.

Why did the coffee file a police report? Because it got mugged.

My doctor said that I should stop mixing coffee and redbull He’s just jealous that I can lock a drawer and still have time to throw the key inside

I ordered a coffee and it tasted awful. I called the waiter over and said "This coffee tastes like mud!" They replied: Thank you sir, it's fresh ground! "

I like my women how I like my coffee Cheap and from a gas station

I sued a department store for selling me a broken coffee grinder. I lost the case; the courts told me I had no grounds.

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Long Coffee Jokes

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favourite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. "

The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favourite author"

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favourite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favourite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

*"It's a date."*

Job Interview

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.

Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?"

"This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'".

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'".

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'".

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'".


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well...."?

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
 
slim,
 
tall,
 
38D - 24 - 36

When she walks into a room people say,

"Jeeeeeeeeeesssssssuuussss!"

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmmmm... all these sevens... I think the universe is trying to tell me something."

So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called "Lucky Universe". The man can't believe it. He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.

The horse came in seventh.

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”

A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”

A man goes to the Council to apply for a job

The interviewer asks him, ''Are you allergic to anything?''


He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee.''


''OK, have you ever been in the military
service?''


he says, ''l was in Iraq for one tour.''
The interviewer says, ''That will give you 5
extra points toward employment.'' The interviewer then asks, ''Are you disabled in any way?''


The man says, ''Yes. A bomb exploded near
me and I lost both my testicles.''


The interviewer grimaces and then says,
''Okay. You've got enough points for me to
hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on starting at 10 a.m. every day."


The man is puzzled and asks, ''If the work
hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., why don't
you want me here until 10?"


''This is a government job," the interviewer
says. ''For the first two hours, we just stand
around drinking coffee and scratching our
balls. No point in you coming in for that."

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thoughts​, just staring
at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said:

'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

"I would have been released today!!"

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

A man orders a coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".

The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".

The bartender says "That would be $2.60".

"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground.
The bartender doesn't want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.


A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.

The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The client throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.

Edit: Grammar teehee!

Edit 2: This got more attention then expected.. No karma for text post though!

Nudist colony

Q- How can you tell the blind guy at a nudist colony?
A- It's not hard.

Q- Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A- The one carrying a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q- Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A- The one who can eat the last donut.

Middle age texting

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

Drunk Irishman

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,


'Damn, 'Damn !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"

"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.

90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

A guy goes to the Council to apply for a job

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on starting at 10 a.m. every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., why don't you want me here until 10 a.m.?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!"

This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."


"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

"While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice,

'Darling, does your prick still throb?'

….and you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee ?

That, Carson is complete composure, or aplomb."

New job

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“OK, have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.”

Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Disabled in your country’s service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.”

Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day.”

The guy is puzzled and asks, “if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 AM?”

“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

She LOVES her husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party…
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”.
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it,
and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”
His son replies, “Oh THAT… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”

Morning coffee in a US government job . . .

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now."

"Our normal hours are from 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am and plan on starting at 10 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, why don't you want me here until 10 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
So no point in your coming in for that."

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

‘Damn,’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.

‘Damn, damn!’

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

‘By Jeebers… I’m a little crocked,’ he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, ‘No damn’ way’. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed!’ He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says ‘Damn it!’ and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’

Paddy says, ‘No Jess, what makes you say that?’

‘Mick phoned… you left your wheelchair at the pub

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