Contents
Funniest Jokes
New Jokes
Funniest German Jokes
What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?
A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...
Bit of British humour right there ;)
An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"
A German got pulled over by the police in France
*Police officer:* "Name?"
*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"
*Police officer:* "Age?"
*German:* "31"
*Police officer:* "occupation?"
*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"
A drunk German is urinating on a bush
An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!"
The German says, "Danke!"
I made a 1:1000 000 scale model german submarine it's a pretty good μ-boat
The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany? Because its illegal.
As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. German engineering is flawless.
My grandfather personally killed 30 German aviators during WW2 He was the shittiest mechanic the luftwaffe had.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. We are efficient and dont have humour.
Edit: Wow this blew up. As a German, I didnt expect this.
A German was going to a trip in France...
He reached passport control and the officer asked:
"Name?"
"Hans Kleiner"
"Age?"
"31"
"Occupation?"
"No no, just visiting"
A German joke from 1944 How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.
As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.
No matter how kind you are... No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.
At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?" He looked surprised and said, "No, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2 He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
Do you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. I'm German and my engineering is perfect.
A German tourist comes to France
...a border control asks him
"Occupation?"
German: No just visiting.
You know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. I am german, our gearboxes are flawless.
As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. My engineering is perfect.
classic germans
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."
What does a German snake sound like? ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß....
Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives.
A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:
cop: name?
Otto: Otto
cop: address?
Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin
cop: Occupation?
Otto: no, just visiting...
i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke
Overheard at the White House:
Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."
Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."
Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".
A German man visiting France
He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?"
"Hans Muller" replies the German.
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting this time."
My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day.
Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.
Me: Oh, man thats terrible.
Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.
I asked a German girl for her number today. Apparently it is 999-999-9999. Weird right?
Two toothpicks are hanging out in a forest,
... when all of a sudden they see a hedgehog passing by. So, one of them shrugs and goes like, "Hm, I didn't even know they had public transportation here."
[my gf's fav joke, literal translation from German]
How does a Japanese person distinguish between a German and an extraterrestrial? He doesn't, they are both Aryans.
What do you say when a German shares a meme with you? Danke.
My friend is a German butcher He always tells me the wurst jokes.
My DNA results came back 39% German, 27% Irish, 19% Beagle and 15% Pug. Turns out my dog licked my sample.
A German is in the supermarket when he passes by a loaf of bread and greets it It had a gluten tag.
I don't understand why people are in awe when I tell them my grandfather survived Auschwitz. Most of the other German officers did too!
My grandfather was a World War 2 Vet
In a single day during the Battle of Britain he was responsible for the destruction of 8 German aircraft killing 32 German airmen.
Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe had ever had.
A German man is leaving a plane after landing in Poland.
The immigration officer asks him
"Occupation?" And the German man replies
"No just visiting"
I asked a German the other day if he wanted to hear a joke...
I had the classic "How many ____ does it take to change a lightbulb" joke in mind.... But before I got to tell it,
He responded, "Nine"... How did he know?!?!
I don't understand why people are in awe when I tell them my father survived Auschwitz Most of the other German officers did too.
A German is in the bathroom
Someone knocks on the door.
"Are you peein?"
"No," the German responds, "European."
I recently went on holiday to Europe after studying languages when I was younger... It's turns out my German has gone from Bath to Sausage