What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?
A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...
Bit of British humour right there ;)
An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
A German got pulled over by the police in France
*Police officer:* "Name?"
*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"
*Police officer:* "Age?"
*Police officer:* "occupation?"
*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"
A drunk German is urinating on a bush
An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!"
The German says, "Danke!"
I made a 1:1000 000 scale model german submarine it's a pretty good μ-boat
The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany? Because its illegal.
As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. German engineering is flawless.
My grandfather personally killed 30 German aviators during WW2 He was the shittiest mechanic the luftwaffe had.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. We are efficient and dont have humour.
Edit: Wow this blew up. As a German, I didnt expect this.
A German was going to a trip in France...
He reached passport control and the officer asked:
"No no, just visiting"
A German joke from 1944 How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.
As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.
No matter how kind you are... No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.
At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?" He looked surprised and said, "No, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2 He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
Do you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. I'm German and my engineering is perfect.
A German tourist comes to France
...a border control asks him
German: No just visiting.
You know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. I am german, our gearboxes are flawless.
As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. My engineering is perfect.
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"No, just here for a few days."
What does a German snake sound like? ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß....
Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives.
A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:
Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin
Otto: no, just visiting...
i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke
Overheard at the White House:
Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."
Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."
Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".
A German man visiting France
He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?"
"Hans Muller" replies the German.
"No, just visiting this time."
My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day.
Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.
Me: Oh, man thats terrible.
Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.
I asked a German girl for her number today. Apparently it is 999-999-9999. Weird right?
Two toothpicks are hanging out in a forest,
... when all of a sudden they see a hedgehog passing by. So, one of them shrugs and goes like, "Hm, I didn't even know they had public transportation here."
[my gf's fav joke, literal translation from German]
How does a Japanese person distinguish between a German and an extraterrestrial? He doesn't, they are both Aryans.
What do you say when a German shares a meme with you? Danke.
A guy meets his buddy at the bar. He says, "I don't want to brag, but when I walked in, those two girls by the door looked at me, then both said to each other, 'nine' ". His buddy said, "Really? When I walked in, they were speaking German!"
What does the German say when you show him a good meme? Danke.
The German dream The teacher is talking about the American Dream in class and then asks the one German kid if they had a German dream. He responds, "We did, but nobody liked it."
What did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer? Gluten tag
How do you say "bra" in German? Dat schud stoppem frum floppen.
I recently got rid of all the German contacts on my phone Now it's Hans-Free
[WP] You are an assassin in WWII trying to find a German defector on a U-boat. Unfortunately you got a little lost on the dock... Whoops, wrong sub.
What do you get when you crossbreed a Chihuahua with a German Shepherd? A que-nein.
A cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says, "Audi".
Who won the first tour de france? The seventh german panzer division
What do the colors in the German flag stand for?
My DNA results came back 39% German, 27% Irish, 19% Beagle and 15% Pug. Turns out my dog licked my sample.
How do u say suprise in german? Blitzkrieg
I don't understand why people are in awe when I tell them my father survived Auschwitz Most of the other German officers did too.
Who won the first Tour de france? The 7th German tank division
A German man walks into a bar... mitzvah and arrests every body.
What do you call a German stealth WW2 submarine? A not see you boat.
I’ve spent the day in a German police station. Word to the wise… Don’t go hailing a taxi in Germany like you do in other countries.
What's a German's favorite videogame Meinkraft
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead
...a doctor, a lawyer and an accountant, a Brit, a German and an American, a priest, a rabbi, two camels and a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them all and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
What's the German word for Vaseline aka petroleum jelly? Wienerschleider
Why did the German doomsday prepper order an appetizer? He wanted to prepare for the wurst.
I just had dinner at a Chinese-German fusion restaurant a couple of hours ago The food was great but now I'm hungry for power.
A German arrives at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris
Customs officer: “Occupation?”
German: “Nein, just visiting.”
A German asks for a martini…
"Dry?" asks the bartender.
The German, confused: "No, just one."
Did you hear the one about the German sausage? It's the wurst.
My grandfather was a World War 2 Vet
In a single day during the Battle of Britain he was responsible for the destruction of 8 German aircraft killing 32 German airmen.
Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe had ever had.
A German and a jew walk into a bar...
The German farts.
The jew starts crying and says "Not again".
German physicist Werner Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding. The cop asked, do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg responds, no but I know exactly where I am.
German sausages They're the wurst
Who won the first Tour de France? The 3rd German Tank Division.
A german stands in the passcontrol in an airport in Paris
Passport officer: Occupation?
German: No, no, only vacation.
Minesweeper It's either a computer game or an angry German custodian yelling at kids who stole his broom.
A man was walking down the street with a long pipe on his shoulder when somebody came up to him and said 'Excuse me, are you a Pole Vaulter?' He replied, 'No I'm German, but how did you know my name?'.
A man walks down the street with a large pole on his shoulder
A person across the street asks:
"Are you a pole vaulter"
(With a strong German accent): "No, I'm a German but how did you know my name is Walter?"
A German is in the bathroom
Someone knocks on the door.
"Are you peein?"
"No," the German responds, "European."
Walter. I was in the park the other day and saw a guy practising his athletic trials, with a long metal stick for the Olympics. I asked if he was a pole vaulter, and he replied "Nein, I'm German. How did you know my name was Walter?"
A german man goes to Poland. Crossing the border, the guard asks reviews his documents.
German: Hans Guttermark
German: *smiles* Nein, just visiting!
As a German, do you know what grinds our gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect
Did you hear about that German barber? You know, Herr Kutz.
German ocean rescue radio headquarter
*A call comes to the radio*
"German Ocean Rescue, what is your problem?"
"Help, we are sinking, we are sinking!"
"What are you sinking about?"
Spanish sausage is pretty bad, but... German sausage is just the wurst
What do you call a German virgin? Guten Tight.
My friend had a German plumber hook up his new shower.... I guess old habits die hard because he hooked up the gas line instead.
Have you heard about German GPS? It stops at Stalingrad.
What's the German word for constipation? FarFromPoopen
Tell someone that you love them today, because life is short... but scream it at them in German because it's also confusing and scary.
A German man is leaving a plane after landing in Poland.
The immigration officer asks him
"Occupation?" And the German man replies
"No just visiting"
You may be kind.. but German children are kinder.
How many germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
German lightbulbs are very high quality and never break.
I recently bought a German car, but the navigation system is all messed up. It only gives directions to Poland.
I've heard some terrible German sausage jokes in my time... ...But this one's definitely the wurst
Why did the German baker call the police? Everything in his bakery was stollen
A man walks up to a German clock maker
The man tells him, "My clock just goes tik, tik, tik, it never goes tok!"
The German clock maker holds a flashlight up to the clock and yells "VE HAVE VAYS OF MAKING YOU TOK!"
I can't remember the translation of German "wichtig." I have a feeling it's important, though.
The "American Dream" was discussed in class the other day...
... the professor turned to the German foreign exchange student and asked if they had anything like that in Germany to which he responded,
"We did, but nobody liked it."
An English speaker, a French speaker, a Spanish speaker, and a German speaker are in a park...
... when a man stands up on a table in front of them and asks if they can see him.
They all nod and say:
How do you greet a celiac German? Gluten Tag
A German man walks into a bar...
and orders a Martini.
The barman asks:
The German replies:
"No, just one, thank you."
What did the cowboy say upon entering the German dealership? "Audi"
I don't understand why people are in awe when I tell them my grandfather survived Auschwitz. Most of the other German officers did too!
What do you call a German jerk? Deutschebag
A german walks into a bar
and orders one martini. The bartender asks:
The German replies
"No, one you dumbass!"
My buddies and I were running a train on this German girl I had to keep telling her there were only 8 of us.
I called German UPS to ask them when they would ship my Rift.. They said, "VR ready."
What sucks most about German food? Their sausage is the wurst.
What was the weather forcast in poland on the day before the german invasion? 86% chance of heil
I asked a German the other day if he wanted to hear a joke...
I had the classic "How many ____ does it take to change a lightbulb" joke in mind.... But before I got to tell it,
He responded, "Nine"... How did he know?!?!
My friend is a German butcher He always tells me the wurst jokes.
What was the motto of the German rocket program? Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you'll hit London.