German Jokes

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Funniest German Jokes

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team? A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

Score: 12000
Funny German Jokes
Score: 11054

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

Score: 10089

A German got pulled over by the police in France *Police officer:* "Name?"

*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"

*Police officer:* "Age?"

*German:* "31"

*Police officer:* "occupation?"

*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"

Score: 9467

A drunk German is urinating on a bush An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!"

The German says, "Danke!"

Score: 9078

I made a 1:1000 000 scale model german submarine it's a pretty good μ-boat

Score: 6262

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany? Because its illegal.

Score: 4619

As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. German engineering is flawless.

Score: 3229

My grandfather personally killed 30 German aviators during WW2 He was the shittiest mechanic the luftwaffe had.

Score: 2840

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? One. We are efficient and dont have humour.




Edit: Wow this blew up. As a German, I didnt expect this.

Score: 2685

A German was going to a trip in France... He reached passport control and the officer asked:

"Name?"

"Hans Kleiner"

"Age?"

"31"

"Occupation?"

"No no, just visiting"

Score: 2347

A German joke from 1944 How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.

Score: 2274

As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

Score: 2257

No matter how kind you are... No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.

Score: 2142

At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?" He looked surprised and said, "No, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

Score: 1671

My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2 He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Score: 1612

Do you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. I'm German and my engineering is perfect.

Score: 1475

A German tourist comes to France ...a border control asks him

"Occupation?"

German: No just visiting.

Score: 1236

You know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. I am german, our gearboxes are flawless.

Score: 1222

As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. My engineering is perfect.

Score: 973

classic germans Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

Score: 961

What does a German snake sound like? ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß....

Score: 930

Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives. A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:

cop: name?

Otto: Otto

cop: address?

Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin

cop: Occupation?

Otto: no, just visiting...

Score: 914

i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke Overheard at the White House:

Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."

Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."

Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".

Score: 791

A German man visiting France He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?"

"Hans Muller" replies the German.

"Occupation?"

"No, just visiting this time."

Score: 682

My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day. Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.

Me: Oh, man thats terrible.

Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.

Score: 592

I asked a German girl for her number today. Apparently it is 999-999-9999. Weird right?

Score: 513

Two toothpicks are hanging out in a forest, ... when all of a sudden they see a hedgehog passing by. So, one of them shrugs and goes like, "Hm, I didn't even know they had public transportation here."

[my gf's fav joke, literal translation from German]

Score: 500

How does a Japanese person distinguish between a German and an extraterrestrial? He doesn't, they are both Aryans.

Score: 442

What do you say when a German shares a meme with you? Danke.

Score: 432

My friend is a German butcher He always tells me the wurst jokes.

Score: 51

My DNA results came back 39% German, 27% Irish, 19% Beagle and 15% Pug. Turns out my dog licked my sample.

Score: 30

A German is in the supermarket when he passes by a loaf of bread and greets it It had a gluten tag.

Score: 26

I don't understand why people are in awe when I tell them my grandfather survived Auschwitz. Most of the other German officers did too!

Score: 20

My grandfather was a World War 2 Vet In a single day during the Battle of Britain he was responsible for the destruction of 8 German aircraft killing 32 German airmen.


Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe had ever had.

Score: 17

A German man is leaving a plane after landing in Poland. The immigration officer asks him
"Occupation?" And the German man replies
"No just visiting"

Score: 16

I asked a German the other day if he wanted to hear a joke... I had the classic "How many ____ does it take to change a lightbulb" joke in mind.... But before I got to tell it,

He responded, "Nine"... How did he know?!?!

Score: 15

I don't understand why people are in awe when I tell them my father survived Auschwitz Most of the other German officers did too.

Score: 15

A German is in the bathroom Someone knocks on the door.

"Are you peein?"

"No," the German responds, "European."

Score: 12

I recently went on holiday to Europe after studying languages when I was younger... It's turns out my German has gone from Bath to Sausage

Score: 11

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New German Jokes

My friend had a German themed birthday party. It was boring.

Score: 1

Donald Trump, the Pope, the oldest man in the world and a 10 year old are all on a plane when it is about to crash. Donald Trump reaches for the boys backpack when the German Pilot regained control of the plane and says ‘no jokes’

Score: 0

How do you call a deaf German bird? A Taube.

Score: 0

why the German bakery taste so good ? because they know how to use the oven

Score: 0

You must be a german soldier in 1945 girl. Because you’re finna battle this bulge.

Score: 0

thas is what you shoud write to you gf : go to google translate, select English to German and write THICK : and tell her thats what you will get when you come homen. (i just found out about that xD )

Score: 0

Today I had German Toast for breakfast. It’s like French Toast, but the white bread is more pure.

Score: 1

So I was banging this german chick the other day.. Not sure why she kept screaming her age the whole time.

Score: 6

A young frog took one of those DNA ancestry tests. Turns out he's mostly German and a tadpole.

Score: 2

How do you call a German Tourist on an one day trip to denmark? An war reenactor.

Score: 1

My grandfather was responsible for 35 downed german planes in Ww2 still to this date holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Score: 3

My grandad was responsible for 28 German planes going down. Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Score: 1

What do you get when a german bites you? A Bismarck

Score: 2

A man orders a Jamaican uber. The man then gets in the car with the Jamaican driver and asks his name.

"You don't need to know my name, you just need to know I'm your man." The Jamaican responds

The man was very confused.

"You don't look very German to me!"

Score: 1

How does a German greet a baker in the morning? Gluten Morgan.

Score: 2

What did the german say when he wanted to chase someone with a piece of bread? Gluten tag

I've said this joke so many times to my friends I get to "do you wanna" and they just stop me

Score: 2

It’s 1917 and WW1 is raging on A German soldier walks into a BAR

Score: 2

What does one German bread says to the other? Gluten Tag!

Score: 7

What kind of pie do asians eat? German Shepherd pie

Score: 1

What does a German man's genitals have in common with a cave filled with minerals? They're both referred to as "mineshaft"

Score: 2

I have the mind of a German Shepherd and the body of and old man... ...and they are both in the trunk of my car.

Score: 2

Tge French shouldn't only be know if surrendering. The served a very important purpose in WWII They gave a bunch of German soilders STDs

Score: 0

What is the word for chamber in German? Gas station.

Score: 2

A German guy resques a dog from drowing in a river then the owner of the dog says to him: "Thank you so much! Are you a vet?" to which the german guy responds with "I'm not just vet! I'm soaked!"

Score: 0

When your a german man and someond asks if you have cheated on your wife and if so how many women with. Nein.

Score: 2

Finnish kids are kind But German kids are kinder

Score: 4

I had a German sausage and it tasted disgusting It was the wurst

Score: 2

What did the German tourist dress up as for Halloween? A hollow-Weiner

Score: 1

How does a German Shepherd greet you? “Guten dog!”

Score: 5

Hoe do you call a german lilliputter Ein untermensch

Score: 1

What's the first thing they learn in the French army? To say "I surrender!", in German.

Score: 3

A German Man Goes to America He walks into a bar, and, after having a few beers, the waitress asks him if he wants any more beers, the man says “nein”

Score: 1

How do u say suprise in german? Blitzkrieg

Score: 8

i would tell a German sausage joke: but it's the wurst

Score: 1

My doctor told me I have a phobia of German sausage I fear die wurst.

Score: 4

What do you call a German cowboy with awful dress sense? Hans of the vile vile vest

Score: 2

A doctor asks his German patient how his life has been post vasectomy "No vas deferens" the man replies

Score: 3

A German shepherd peed outside my house yesterday... Next week, he's bringing his dog

Score: 2

What's a German's favorite riddle book? Mind Kramp

Score: 1

How did the german donut say hello? Gluten-taag!

Score: 5

Every morning this week a German Shepherd has been taking a dump on my lawn Yesterday he brought his dog.

Score: 2

I went to a bad German sausage restaurant It was just the wurst...

Score: 1

What is the difference between English and German memes One is danke

Score: 2

What did German troops play during WW2? Nazee!

Score: 0

What are the first 25 letters in the German alphabet? I don't know, but it's definitely NOT Z

Score: 2

What was the most popular German coffee product during World War 2? Cream Mate

Score: 1

Whyndid hitler never ever say thank you to anyone? Cause he spoke German.

Score: 0

When German politics go right, they go far right. Right through Poland

Score: 2

A Grek and an Italian go into a restaurant Who pays?
The German.
Haha

Score: 3

What was the weather forcast in poland on the day before the german invasion? 86% chance of heil

Score: 11

My German colleague had been trying to reach E.T. for a while now but it actually turns out he just wanted tech support.

Score: 2

A Spanish, Greek and Portuguese man go to a bar. Who pays for the drinks? The German!

Score: 7

What did the German bread say to the crackers? Gluten Tag!

Score: 2

What's the difference between a German Shepherd and a bad comedian? Nothing, they always come back with the same schtick.

Score: 10

A Frenchman, a German, and A Jew are stranded in the dessert... the frenchman says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have wine
the german says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have beer
the jew says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have diabetes

Score: 2

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