German Jokes


Funniest German Jokes

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team? A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

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Funny German Jokes
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An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:

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A German got pulled over by the police in France *Police officer:* "Name?"

*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"

*Police officer:* "Age?"

*German:* "31"

*Police officer:* "occupation?"

*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"

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A drunk German is urinating on a bush An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!"

The German says, "Danke!"

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I made a 1:1000 000 scale model german submarine it's a pretty good μ-boat

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The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany? Because its illegal.

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As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. German engineering is flawless.

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My grandfather personally killed 30 German aviators during WW2 He was the shittiest mechanic the luftwaffe had.

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How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? One. We are efficient and dont have humour.

Edit: Wow this blew up. As a German, I didnt expect this.

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A German was going to a trip in France... He reached passport control and the officer asked:


"Hans Kleiner"




"No no, just visiting"

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A German joke from 1944 How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.

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As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

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No matter how kind you are... No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.

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At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?" He looked surprised and said, "No, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

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My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2 He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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Do you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. I'm German and my engineering is perfect.

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A German tourist comes to France ...a border control asks him


German: No just visiting.

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You know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. I am german, our gearboxes are flawless.

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As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. My engineering is perfect.

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classic germans Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.


"No, just here for a few days."

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What does a German snake sound like? ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß....

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Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives. A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:

cop: name?

Otto: Otto

cop: address?

Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin

cop: Occupation?

Otto: no, just visiting...

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i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke Overheard at the White House:

Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."

Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."

Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".

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A German man visiting France He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?"

"Hans Muller" replies the German.


"No, just visiting this time."

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My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day. Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.

Me: Oh, man thats terrible.

Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.

Score: 592

I asked a German girl for her number today. Apparently it is 999-999-9999. Weird right?

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Two toothpicks are hanging out in a forest, ... when all of a sudden they see a hedgehog passing by. So, one of them shrugs and goes like, "Hm, I didn't even know they had public transportation here."

[my gf's fav joke, literal translation from German]

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How does a Japanese person distinguish between a German and an extraterrestrial? He doesn't, they are both Aryans.

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What do you say when a German shares a meme with you? Danke.

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My friend is a German butcher He always tells me the wurst jokes.

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My DNA results came back 39% German, 27% Irish, 19% Beagle and 15% Pug. Turns out my dog licked my sample.

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What do the colors in the German flag stand for? Black: cars

Red: sausages

Yellow: beer

Blue: jews

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What was the motto of the German rocket program? Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you'll hit London.

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I asked a German the other day if he wanted to hear a joke... I had the classic "How many ____ does it take to change a lightbulb" joke in mind.... But before I got to tell it,

He responded, "Nine"... How did he know?!?!

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I don't understand why people are in awe when I tell them my father survived Auschwitz Most of the other German officers did too.

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A German is in the bathroom Someone knocks on the door.

"Are you peein?"

"No," the German responds, "European."

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What was the weather forcast in poland on the day before the german invasion? 86% chance of heil

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How do u say suprise in german? Blitzkrieg

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What does one German bread says to the other? Gluten Tag!

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New German Jokes

What do you call it when a German kid plants some vegetables? A kindergarten

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My friend had a German themed birthday party. It was boring.

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You must be a german soldier in 1945 girl. Because you’re finna battle this bulge.

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thas is what you shoud write to you gf : go to google translate, select English to German and write THICK : and tell her thats what you will get when you come homen. (i just found out about that xD )

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Today I had German Toast for breakfast. It’s like French Toast, but the white bread is more pure.

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So I was banging this german chick the other day.. Not sure why she kept screaming her age the whole time.

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A young frog took one of those DNA ancestry tests. Turns out he's mostly German and a tadpole.

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How do you call a German Tourist on an one day trip to denmark? An war reenactor.

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My grandfather was responsible for 35 downed german planes in Ww2 still to this date holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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My grandad was responsible for 28 German planes going down. Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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What do you get when a german bites you? A Bismarck

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A man orders a Jamaican uber. The man then gets in the car with the Jamaican driver and asks his name.

"You don't need to know my name, you just need to know I'm your man." The Jamaican responds

The man was very confused.

"You don't look very German to me!"

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I bought a German Shepard yesterday All he does is run around in the field with his shepard staff herding random Germans into tidy lines for schnitzel

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How does a German greet a baker in the morning? Gluten Morgan.

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What did the german say when he wanted to chase someone with a piece of bread? Gluten tag

I've said this joke so many times to my friends I get to "do you wanna" and they just stop me

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It’s 1917 and WW1 is raging on A German soldier walks into a BAR

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What kind of pie do asians eat? German Shepherd pie

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How do you greet a Gluten free German? Gluten Tag.

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What does a German man's genitals have in common with a cave filled with minerals? They're both referred to as "mineshaft"

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Tge French shouldn't only be know if surrendering. The served a very important purpose in WWII They gave a bunch of German soilders STDs

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What is the word for chamber in German? Gas station.

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A German guy resques a dog from drowing in a river then the owner of the dog says to him: "Thank you so much! Are you a vet?" to which the german guy responds with "I'm not just vet! I'm soaked!"

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When your a german man and someond asks if you have cheated on your wife and if so how many women with. Nein.

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My grandfather died in a German concentration camp He got drunk and fell out of the guard tower..

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I was at a urinal the other day and a old guy comes up to the urinal beside me He asks "Are you English?"
I say "No"
"Are you French?"
I say "No"
"Are you German?"
I say "Yes why are you asking?"
He giggles ,"Cause Your A Peeing!!"

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Finnish kids are kind But German kids are kinder

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I had a German sausage and it tasted disgusting It was the wurst

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What did the German tourist dress up as for Halloween? A hollow-Weiner

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What did the German gym goer say on leg day? Gluten tag

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How does a German Shepherd greet you? “Guten dog!”

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A German Man Goes to America He walks into a bar, and, after having a few beers, the waitress asks him if he wants any more beers, the man says “nein”

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i would tell a German sausage joke: but it's the wurst

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How do you start a German submarine? DOS Boot.

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My doctor told me I have a phobia of German sausage I fear die wurst.

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What do you call a German cowboy with awful dress sense? Hans of the vile vile vest

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A doctor asks his German patient how his life has been post vasectomy "No vas deferens" the man replies

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Did you hear about the German summer camp where they gave all the kids adderall? It turned into a concentration camp

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A German shepherd peed outside my house yesterday... Next week, he's bringing his dog

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What's a German's favorite riddle book? Mind Kramp

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How did the german donut say hello? Gluten-taag!

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Every morning this week a German Shepherd has been taking a dump on my lawn Yesterday he brought his dog.

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I went to a bad German sausage restaurant It was just the wurst...

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If a bag has a bunch of German words in it... Does that make a Deutschbag?

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What is the difference between English and German memes One is danke

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What did German troops play during WW2? Nazee!

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How does an Italian say goodbye to a German in New York City? Arrive-deutsch-i!

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What was the most popular German coffee product during World War 2? Cream Mate

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Whyndid hitler never ever say thank you to anyone? Cause he spoke German.

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When German politics go right, they go far right. Right through Poland

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A Grek and an Italian go into a restaurant Who pays?
The German.

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My German colleague had been trying to reach E.T. for a while now but it actually turns out he just wanted tech support.

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The German chancellor is traveling to greece She arrives at immigration and the immigration officer says "nationality?"
The chancelor says "German"
Officer: occupation?
Chancelor: no not this time.

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I deleted all my german friends on my contant list on my phone... Now its Hans free.

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What do you call a German who is up themselves? A deutsche-bag

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Who took care of German army dogs after the war? Veteran Aryans

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How do German guys pick up Jewish girls? With a dustpan!

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What does the beginning of the German alphabet start with? Not Z.

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What did the German bread say to the crackers? Gluten Tag!

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Did you hear about the German doing an impression at the talent show? He did the wurst.

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A Frenchman, a German, and A Jew are stranded in the dessert... the frenchman says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have wine
the german says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have beer
the jew says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have diabetes

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