What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?
A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...
Bit of British humour right there ;)
A German got pulled over by the police in France
*Police officer:* "Name?"
*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"
*Police officer:* "Age?"
*Police officer:* "occupation?"
*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"
A drunk German is urinating on a bush
An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!"
The German says, "Danke!"
The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany? Because its illegal.
My grandfather personally killed 30 German aviators during WW2 He was the shittiest mechanic the luftwaffe had.
A German was going to a trip in France...
He reached passport control and the officer asked:
"No no, just visiting"
A German joke from 1944 How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.
As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.
German joke translated, hope you get it: "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."
"But since when is Thomas your best friend?"
My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2 He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
A German tourist comes to France
...a border control asks him
German: No just visiting.
Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives.
A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:
Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin
Otto: no, just visiting...
A German man visiting France
He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?"
"Hans Muller" replies the German.
"No, just visiting this time."
My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day.
Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.
Me: Oh, man thats terrible.
Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.
How does a Japanese person distinguish between a German and an extraterrestrial? He doesn't, they are both Aryans.
So I went to the club last night and asked a German girl for her number... and you'll never believe it! Her number is 999-999-9999!
My German friend told me to pick him up dry wine. I brought the bottle to his house and he said, "Thanks, where are the other two?"
The German dream The teacher is talking about the American Dream in class and then asks the one German kid if they had a German dream. He responds, "We did, but nobody liked it."
Why do German girls all have the same phone number? Seriously, every one of them I ask says 999-9999
German women love me... I'm a ladies man. I saw this fine German woman. I didn't even have to chat her up for her to hastily give me her number. It was easy to remember 999 9999.
A German man walks up to a immigration desk in Warsaw.
Immigration offcier: "Occupation?"
German man: "No, just holiday."
An Englishman,a Frenchman,a Spaniard and a German are watching a juggling show
The juggler notices that they have a poor view and stands on a box.
He then says”Can you see me now?”
And they answer
What did the NSA agent say to the other NSA agent when he saw the German Chancellor? I'd tap that.
During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots. He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row. I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
A German walks into a bar and orders a martini. The barman asks "dry?" The German replies "Nein. Just one."
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks "Dry?" The German replies "Nein, just one."
So President Trump got into his Bunker because of the Riots. As a german Guy I can say from experience that from this moment its not getting any better.
How to insult an Austrian, a Swiss and a German
Tell the Austrian he is German.
Tell the Swiss he should be German.
Tell the German the other two don’t want to be German.
A German gets to border security...
Border guard: "Occupation?"
The German: "No, just visiting"
My grandfather downed 50 German fighter planes in WWII. Yep. Worst engineer in the Luftwaffe.
What borders on stupidity?
Canada and Mexico.
(Stolen from a German friend on FB where it's apparently making the rounds...)
A drunk American was pissing on a street in Germany When a German girl walks by and screams “Ah Nein! “ The American guy says, “I’m flattered but I think it’s closer to 8.”
Today I learned Italians have more than 250 specific hand gestures to communicate non-verbally, I asked my German friend if they had anything like it in Germany.. He said they have one but they are not allowed to use it
I asked a German girl for her number and I’m still waiting for the rest of the numbers So far all I have is a 9
A German man went to France for holiday.
France border staff: "occupation?"
German: "No, no, no, just visiting."
When I was a child I was forced to work in a German sausage factory. It was the wurst experience of my life.
I took a road trip with my German buddy and when I accidentally dropped my hot dog out the window he swung the car around to go back and get it. . . That's when the whole trip really took a turn for the wurst.
A german was peeing in a street in New York...
... and a lady looks at him and says:
To which the German replies:
A German got pulled over by the Police in France.
Police Officer: Name?
German: Heinrich Klimt
Police officer: Age?
Police Officer: Occupation?
German: No, no. Just visiting.
A German man visits America for holiday.
The TSA officer asks: "Occupation?"
The man says: "No, only holiday!"
I went to the club last night, chatted up this German chick and asked her for her number. and you’ll never believe it her number is 999-999-9999.
A weird little German kid just handed me a bunch of yellow metal Thanks for the gold, strange kinder
What do the colors in the German flag stand for?
What's the difference between Hitler and a guy with a pet badger? One is a Bad German and the other is a Badger Man
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2. Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
My grandfather was responsible for 49 downed German planes. Still to this day, he holds the record for worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
I want to make a joke about dictatorship. But I don't know whether to make it in Italian, German or English.
A man enters a bar and walks towards his mate
He passes two blondes and tells his mate, "Those girls really like me, as I passed them they were saying 9, 9. I'm so hot"
"They are German mate"
German guy walks into bar
A German guy and his beautiful date sit down at a bar
He asks the bartender for a couple of martinis
The bartender ask "Dry?"
The German replies, "Nein, zwei."
A German asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico. The Mexican says, “Sí, we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!”
What language do they speak in Poland? Depends on the year, sometimes it's German and sometimes it's Russian.
Its 1938 and a German officer went to France for a holiday.
At the border the French staff looked at his papers and asked : "Occupation? "
The German replied: "No, no, no, just visiting this time"