Hilarious German Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest German Jokes

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team? A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

Score: 12000

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An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

Score: 10089

A German got pulled over by the police in France *Police officer:* "Name?"

*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"

*Police officer:* "Age?"

*German:* "31"

*Police officer:* "occupation?"

*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"

Score: 9467

A drunk German is urinating on a bush An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!"

The German says, "Danke!"

Score: 9078

I made a 1:1000 000 scale model german submarine it's a pretty good μ-boat

Score: 6262

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany? Because its illegal.

Score: 4619

As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. German engineering is flawless.

Score: 3229

My grandfather personally killed 30 German aviators during WW2 He was the shittiest mechanic the luftwaffe had.

Score: 2840

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? One. We are efficient and dont have humour.

Edit: Wow this blew up. As a German, I didnt expect this.

Score: 2685

A German was going to a trip in France... He reached passport control and the officer asked:

"Name?"

"Hans Kleiner"

"Age?"

"31"

"Occupation?"

"No no, just visiting"

Score: 2347

A German joke from 1944 How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.

Score: 2274

As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

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No matter how kind you are... No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.

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At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?" He looked surprised and said, "No, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

Score: 1671

My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2 He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Score: 1612

Do you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. I'm German and my engineering is perfect.

Score: 1475

A German tourist comes to France ...a border control asks him

"Occupation?"

German: No just visiting.

Score: 1236

You know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. I am german, our gearboxes are flawless.

Score: 1222

As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. My engineering is perfect.

Score: 973

classic germans Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

Score: 961

What does a German snake sound like? ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß....

Score: 930

Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives. A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:

cop: name?

Otto: Otto

cop: address?

Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin

cop: Occupation?

Otto: no, just visiting...

Score: 914

i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke Overheard at the White House:

Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."

Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."

Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".

Score: 791

A German man visiting France He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?"

"Hans Muller" replies the German.

"Occupation?"

"No, just visiting this time."

Score: 682

My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day. Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.

Me: Oh, man thats terrible.

Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.

Score: 592

I asked a German girl for her number today. Apparently it is 999-999-9999. Weird right?

Score: 513

Two toothpicks are hanging out in a forest, ... when all of a sudden they see a hedgehog passing by. So, one of them shrugs and goes like, "Hm, I didn't even know they had public transportation here."

[my gf's fav joke, literal translation from German]

Score: 500

How does a Japanese person distinguish between a German and an extraterrestrial? He doesn't, they are both Aryans.

Score: 442

What do you say when a German shares a meme with you? Danke.

Score: 432

Olympics, the new tower of Babel The German Olympian

I met an athlete near the Olympic Park
I asked him "Are you a Pole Vaulter"?
He said "No, I'm German...
and how do you know my name?"

Score: 82

My friend is a German butcher He always tells me the wurst jokes.

Score: 51

I tried to come up with a pun about famous German philosophers... but I Kant.

Score: 37

I saw a guy walking down the street with a large pole I asked him, "are you a pole vaulter?"

He replied: "No, I'm German. But how did you know my name?"

Score: 32

What do the colors in the German flag stand for? Black: cars

Red: sausages

Yellow: beer

Blue: jews

Score: 30

(OC) Where did the frog say his family came from? "They are German and a tad-Polish"

Score: 24

I don't understand why people are in awe when I tell them my grandfather survived Auschwitz. Most of the other German officers did too!

Score: 20

What do you call a german breakfast restaurant? Luftwafflehaus.

Score: 19

I called German UPS to ask them when they would ship my Rift.. They said, "VR ready."

Score: 19

A reporter is looking for someone to interview at the Summer Olympics He sees a man carrying a twelve-foot pole and asks, "Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"

The man replies, "No, I'm German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

Score: 18

New German Jokes

So I was banging this german chick the other day.. Not sure why she kept screaming her age the whole time.

Score: 6

I’m Jewish, German, and Russian So you have a few options of why to immediately dislike me.

Score: 5

A young frog took one of those DNA ancestry tests. Turns out he's mostly German and a tadpole.

Score: 2

My grandfather was responsible for 35 downed german planes in Ww2 still to this date holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Score: 3

Julius Cesar and the Pope decide to go into business by opening a chain of German salad restaurants.

They call it The Holy Romaine Empire.

Score: 1

A man orders a Jamaican uber. The man then gets in the car with the Jamaican driver and asks his name.

"You don't need to know my name, you just need to know I'm your man." The Jamaican responds

The man was very confused.

"You don't look very German to me!"

Score: 1

How does a German greet a baker in the morning? Gluten Morgan.

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It’s 1917 and WW1 is raging on A German soldier walks into a BAR

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What kind of pie do asians eat? German Shepherd pie

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How do you greet a Gluten free German? Gluten Tag.

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What does a German man's genitals have in common with a cave filled with minerals? They're both referred to as "mineshaft"

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What should you do if you get attacked by a German Shepherd? Take his crook

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What is the word for chamber in German? Gas station.

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What does a German Genie do to grant a wish? He Schnapps his fingers.

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When your a german man and someond asks if you have cheated on your wife and if so how many women with. Nein.

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What do you call a German jazz player? Jazz Hans.

Score: 15

How do you call a german barber during ww2 Herr styler

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How does a German hipster say hello? Gluten tag!

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Finnish kids are kind But German kids are kinder

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I had a German sausage and it tasted disgusting It was the wurst

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What did the German tourist dress up as for Halloween? A hollow-Weiner

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How does a German Shepherd greet you? “Guten dog!”

Score: 5

I was going to buy a new Volkswagen but my Grandpa got angry at me because of what happened to him during WW2. Apparently, during WW2 my Grandpa had a succession of highly unreliable German cars.

Score: 1

Why does France have so many tree-lined streets? Because German soldiers prefer marching in the shade

Score: 9

Hoe do you call a german lilliputter Ein untermensch

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What shouldn’t you say to a vegan German? Gluten tag!

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What's the first thing they learn in the French army? To say "I surrender!", in German.

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Why does Paris have so many beautiful tree lined boulevards? So the German army can march in the shade.

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A German Man Goes to America He walks into a bar, and, after having a few beers, the waitress asks him if he wants any more beers, the man says “nein”

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How do u say suprise in german? Blitzkrieg

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i would tell a German sausage joke: but it's the wurst

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My doctor told me I have a phobia of German sausage I fear die wurst.

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What do you call a German cowboy with awful dress sense? Hans of the vile vile vest

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A doctor asks his German patient how his life has been post vasectomy "No vas deferens" the man replies

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I don't understand why people are in awe when I tell them my father survived Auschwitz Most of the other German officers did too.

Score: 15

A German shepherd peed outside my house yesterday... Next week, he's bringing his dog

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What's a German's favorite riddle book? Mind Kramp

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How did the german donut say hello? Gluten-taag!

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Every morning this week a German Shepherd has been taking a dump on my lawn Yesterday he brought his dog.

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My grandfather was a World War 2 Vet In a single day during the Battle of Britain he was responsible for the destruction of 8 German aircraft killing 32 German airmen.

Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe had ever had.

Score: 17

I went to a bad German sausage restaurant It was just the wurst...

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A German is in the bathroom Someone knocks on the door.

"Are you peein?"

"No," the German responds, "European."

Score: 12

What is the difference between English and German memes One is danke

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A German man is leaving a plane after landing in Poland. The immigration officer asks him
"Occupation?" And the German man replies
"No just visiting"

Score: 16

What are the first 25 letters in the German alphabet? I don't know, but it's definitely NOT Z

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What was the most popular German coffee product during World War 2? Cream Mate

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When German politics go right, they go far right. Right through Poland

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A Grek and an Italian go into a restaurant Who pays?
The German.
Haha

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My German colleague had been trying to reach E.T. for a while now but it actually turns out he just wanted tech support.

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I asked a German the other day if he wanted to hear a joke... I had the classic "How many ____ does it take to change a lightbulb" joke in mind.... But before I got to tell it,

He responded, "Nine"... How did he know?!?!

Score: 15

I deleted all my german friends on my contant list on my phone... Now its Hans free.

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Have you had a German hotdog? They're the wurst

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A Spanish, Greek and Portuguese man go to a bar. Who pays for the drinks? The German!

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What did the German bread say to the crackers? Gluten Tag!

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Do you know where the Belgium waffle design comes from? From the German tank tracks.

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Did you hear about the German doing an impression at the talent show? He did the wurst.

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What was the motto of the German rocket program? Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you'll hit London.

Score: 17

What's the difference between a German Shepherd and a bad comedian? Nothing, they always come back with the same schtick.

Score: 10

Did you hear that the French President is getting divorced? Apparently he came home early and caught his wife surrendering to a German.

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A Frenchman, a German, and A Jew are stranded in the dessert... the frenchman says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have wine
the german says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have beer
the jew says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have diabetes

Score: 2