German Jokes


Funniest German Jokes

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team? A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

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Funny German Jokes
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An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:

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A German got pulled over by the police in France *Police officer:* "Name?"

*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"

*Police officer:* "Age?"

*German:* "31"

*Police officer:* "occupation?"

*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"

Score: 9467

A drunk German is urinating on a bush An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!"

The German says, "Danke!"

Score: 9078

I made a 1:1000 000 scale model german submarine it's a pretty good μ-boat

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The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany? Because its illegal.

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As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. German engineering is flawless.

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My grandfather personally killed 30 German aviators during WW2 He was the shittiest mechanic the luftwaffe had.

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How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? One. We are efficient and dont have humour.

Edit: Wow this blew up. As a German, I didnt expect this.

Score: 2685

A German was going to a trip in France... He reached passport control and the officer asked:


"Hans Kleiner"




"No no, just visiting"

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A German joke from 1944 How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.

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As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

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No matter how kind you are... No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.

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At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?" He looked surprised and said, "No, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

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My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2 He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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Do you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. I'm German and my engineering is perfect.

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A German tourist comes to France ...a border control asks him


German: No just visiting.

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You know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. I am german, our gearboxes are flawless.

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As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. My engineering is perfect.

Score: 973

classic germans Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.


"No, just here for a few days."

Score: 961

What does a German snake sound like? ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß....

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Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives. A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:

cop: name?

Otto: Otto

cop: address?

Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin

cop: Occupation?

Otto: no, just visiting...

Score: 914

i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke Overheard at the White House:

Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."

Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."

Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".

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A German man visiting France He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?"

"Hans Muller" replies the German.


"No, just visiting this time."

Score: 682

My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day. Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.

Me: Oh, man thats terrible.

Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.

Score: 592

I asked a German girl for her number today. Apparently it is 999-999-9999. Weird right?

Score: 513

Two toothpicks are hanging out in a forest, ... when all of a sudden they see a hedgehog passing by. So, one of them shrugs and goes like, "Hm, I didn't even know they had public transportation here."

[my gf's fav joke, literal translation from German]

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How does a Japanese person distinguish between a German and an extraterrestrial? He doesn't, they are both Aryans.

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What do you say when a German shares a meme with you? Danke.

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In a huge lecture hall once I only had four international students turn up - English, French, Spanish and German. I asked if they could all see me. They said... Yes, Oui, Si, Ja

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What do you get when you crossbreed a Chihuahua with a German Shepherd? A que-nein.

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Olympics, the new tower of Babel The German Olympian

I met an athlete near the Olympic Park
I asked him "Are you a Pole Vaulter"?
He said "No, I'm German...
and how do you know my name?"

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My friend is a German butcher He always tells me the wurst jokes.

Score: 51

When I was in high school, I was part of the French club. We didn't really do anything, but every once in a while, we'd surrender to the German club.

Score: 39

I tried to come up with a pun about famous German philosophers... but I Kant.

Score: 37

I saw a guy walking down the street with a large pole I asked him, "are you a pole vaulter?"

He replied: "No, I'm German. But how did you know my name?"

Score: 32

What do the colors in the German flag stand for? Black: cars

Red: sausages

Yellow: beer

Blue: jews

Score: 30

(OC) Where did the frog say his family came from? "They are German and a tad-Polish"

Score: 24

What do you call a german breakfast restaurant? Luftwafflehaus.

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New German Jokes

So I was banging this german chick the other day.. Not sure why she kept screaming her age the whole time.

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I’m Jewish, German, and Russian So you have a few options of why to immediately dislike me.

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A young frog took one of those DNA ancestry tests. Turns out he's mostly German and a tadpole.

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My grandfather was responsible for 35 downed german planes in Ww2 still to this date holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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How does a German greet a baker in the morning? Gluten Morgan.

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It’s 1917 and WW1 is raging on A German soldier walks into a BAR

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What does a German man's genitals have in common with a cave filled with minerals? They're both referred to as "mineshaft"

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What should you do if you get attacked by a German Shepherd? Take his crook

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What is the word for chamber in German? Gas station.

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When your a german man and someond asks if you have cheated on your wife and if so how many women with. Nein.

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What do you call a German jazz player? Jazz Hans.

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How do you call a german barber during ww2 Herr styler

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How does a German hipster say hello? Gluten tag!

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Finnish kids are kind But German kids are kinder

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I had a German sausage and it tasted disgusting It was the wurst

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How does a German Shepherd greet you? “Guten dog!”

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Why does France have so many tree-lined streets? Because German soldiers prefer marching in the shade

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What shouldn’t you say to a vegan German? Gluten tag!

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What's the first thing they learn in the French army? To say "I surrender!", in German.

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Why does Paris have so many beautiful tree lined boulevards? So the German army can march in the shade.

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A German Man Goes to America He walks into a bar, and, after having a few beers, the waitress asks him if he wants any more beers, the man says “nein”

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How do u say suprise in german? Blitzkrieg

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i would tell a German sausage joke: but it's the wurst

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What does a German parent say to their child with Celiac disease when they tuck them in? Gluten Naught

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My doctor told me I have a phobia of German sausage I fear die wurst.

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What do you call a German cowboy with awful dress sense? Hans of the vile vile vest

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A doctor asks his German patient how his life has been post vasectomy "No vas deferens" the man replies

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Did you hear about the German summer camp where they gave all the kids adderall? It turned into a concentration camp

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A German shepherd peed outside my house yesterday... Next week, he's bringing his dog

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What's a German's favorite riddle book? Mind Kramp

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What is a German bomber's favorite type of food? A french fry!

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What did the German say to his friend when he sneezed? Can you repeat that?

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How did the german donut say hello? Gluten-taag!

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Every morning this week a German Shepherd has been taking a dump on my lawn Yesterday he brought his dog.

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My grandfather was a World War 2 Vet In a single day during the Battle of Britain he was responsible for the destruction of 8 German aircraft killing 32 German airmen.

Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe had ever had.

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I went to a bad German sausage restaurant It was just the wurst...

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A german stands in the passcontrol in an airport in Paris Passport officer: Occupation?

German: No, no, only vacation.

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A German is in the bathroom Someone knocks on the door.

"Are you peein?"

"No," the German responds, "European."

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What is the difference between English and German memes One is danke

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Spanish sausage is pretty bad, but... German sausage is just the wurst

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What was the most popular German coffee product during World War 2? Cream Mate

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What's the proper way to say goodbye to a room full of German britches? Lederhosen.

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As an American, you know what really grinds my gears? Not having German Engineering

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When German politics go right, they go far right. Right through Poland

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Sheepdogs aren't used to herd sheep in Germany They use German Shepherds instead

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A reporter is looking for someone to interview at the Summer Olympics He sees a man carrying a twelve-foot pole and asks, "Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"

The man replies, "No, I'm German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

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A Grek and an Italian go into a restaurant Who pays?
The German.

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I called German UPS to ask them when they would ship my Rift.. They said, "VR ready."

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My German colleague had been trying to reach E.T. for a while now but it actually turns out he just wanted tech support.

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I asked a German the other day if he wanted to hear a joke... I had the classic "How many ____ does it take to change a lightbulb" joke in mind.... But before I got to tell it,

He responded, "Nine"... How did he know?!?!

Score: 15

I deleted all my german friends on my contant list on my phone... Now its Hans free.

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Have you had a German hotdog? They're the wurst

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A Spanish, Greek and Portuguese man go to a bar. Who pays for the drinks? The German!

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What did the German bread say to the crackers? Gluten Tag!

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Do you know where the Belgium waffle design comes from? From the German tank tracks.

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Did you hear about the German doing an impression at the talent show? He did the wurst.

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What was the motto of the German rocket program? Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you'll hit London.

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What's the difference between a German Shepherd and a bad comedian? Nothing, they always come back with the same schtick.

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Did you hear that the French President is getting divorced? Apparently he came home early and caught his wife surrendering to a German.

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A Frenchman, a German, and A Jew are stranded in the dessert... the frenchman says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have wine
the german says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have beer
the jew says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have diabetes

Score: 2

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