Drug Jokes

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer

bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

That sentence was way too long.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." 

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" 

"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

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The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

A Polish man from Chicago married a Wisconsin girl after he had been in the
states a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got
along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked
him if he could arrange a divorce for him "very quick."
The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances and asked him the following questions:


LAWYER: Have you any grounds?


POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.


LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"


POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.


LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"


POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really
needed one."


LAWYER "I mean, what are your relations like?"


POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."


LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"


POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We
don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."


LAWYER: " No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"


POLE: NO: " I'm always up before her."


LAWYER: " WHY do you want this divorce?"


POLE: "SHE going to kill me."


LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"


POLE: "I got proof."


LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"


POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put
on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, "Polish Remover."

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house."

LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?"

POLE: "It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have a carport and don’t need a grudge."

LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations live in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound."

LAWYER: "No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I’m always up before her."

LAWYER: "Why do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me!"

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say Polish Remover."

1. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? *He's all right now*

2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. *It's impossible to put down.*

3. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. *Then it hit me.*

4. I'm glad I know sign language, *it's pretty handy.*

5. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, *he just didn't have the balls to do it.*

6. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, *but eventually it came back to me.*

7. I used to have a fear of hurdles, *but I got over it.*

8. There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said *'Keep off the Grass'.*

9. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? *He was lucky it was a soft drink.*
10. There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.
"Now I will fullfill your 3 wishes" - he said.
"I wish two lines of the best stuff on the world. Let's take it together, it will be great."
"Ok, that was your first wish. Don't waste all of them on drugs" - genie said and two lines of the best stuff appeared. They both had a great party but suddenly the effect of these drugs ended.
"What is your second wish?" - genie asked
"I want another two lines of the best stuff on the world."
Another two lines appeared and they both were on high again. When the effect ended, Genie asked: "And your third wish?".
"Two lines of the best stuff on the world again."
Two lines appeared again and they were on high. When the effect ended, the genie appeared again:
"So, my friend, what is your fourth wish?"

A man was in need of some quick cash, and so he decided to turn to thievery. He grabbed his gun and visited 5 different drug stores, stealing over 5,000 pills of Viagra. The next day, while preparing to sell the pills, the man's house was surrounded by police. With no place to go, the man decided to swallow the evidence. He is now facing 20 years of hard time.

You've seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist, and since she and her sister were owners of the store, there were no male employees.

She then asked if she could help me. I said that I would prefer to speak to a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “ This is tough for me, as a shy man, to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.”
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute. I'll talk to my sister."


When she returned, she said, “ We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:

...1/3 ownership in the store,

...a company pickup truck,

...a king size bed and

...$3,000 a month in living expenses.

So the other day I went to the doctors for an annual checkup, before we started he asked "have you been doing any drugs?", I replied with "does love count as a drug?", he said "love is the strongest drug out there!", I then said "that's good cause I'm in love with cocaine!".

A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed.

It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good.

Unfortunately, it takes him a while to gather the medicines he thinks he might need and the checkout line is longer than normal. He buys some cold medicine, some pain killers and some cough drops for the next day.

When he is finally done, he heads home. It is now quite dark and a chill has set in so he is not in the best of spirits.

When he makes it back to the graveyard, a cloud passes in front of the moon. Luckily he knows the graveyard well and can navigate it without a problem.

It's quiet and he hears a noise behind him.

thump thump thump

He looks around but can't see anything in the dark. He quickens his pace.

He hears the sound again, but louder.

THUMP THUMP THUMP

He is genuinely frightened now and starts to run.

The sound grows louder still.

###THUMP THUMP THUMP

As he's running, he glances back and the moon emerges from behind the clouds. To his horror, he sees a coffin standing on end bounding towards him.

##THUMP THUMP THUMP

He breaks into a sprint and slams the gate to his yard shut as he passes by. The coffin breaks through the gate, unhindered.

#THUMP THUMP THUMP

He slams the door to his house and frantically locks it. The coffin breaks down the door.

#THUMP THUMP THUMP

He scrambles to the end of the room and knocks a table over to block it's path. The coffin breaks through the table.

#THUMP THUMP THUMP

He cowers against the wall, sure that his fate is sealed. In a last ditch effort, he tosses the cough drops at it.

And the coffin stops.

Hey, my name’s Mike Doe, and this is my story. I had a friend in college, my freshman roommate, who was always talking about his family. His name was Robert Gooding, and he must’ve had a family tree that started from Adam and Eve. Every single day he would drone on and on about some cousin or uncle or some such. He would always burst into the room saying things like, “Hey Mike! You’ll never guess Uncle Nate and Aunt Ridley are doing in Taiwan for the orphans this week!” I remember him talking about how Dimitri, his mother’s grandfather’s nephew’s son, which is apparently what second cousin once removed means, had resolved a tense hostage situation in Iran. And how cool Auntie Pauline (actually a distant cousin) was for working on top secret stuff with the CIA. I always tried to be patient with him and at least pretended to listen and nod at his stories. They never seemed to be about the same people. Sometimes he’d mention something that was actually funny or interesting too so it wasn’t always bad.

Good old rambling Robert. He picked up that nickname within a couple weeks of starting school--I don’t think he liked it much. He didn’t make many friends because he could never stop talking about his own family. Sometimes I think that I was the only one he could talk to who wouldn’t start running after five minutes. I’m not going to lie though. Back then I endeavored to be out of the room most of the day to avoid his ramblings. However no matter how late I came back, he was always up and ready to tell me something new about his family’s latest adventures.

There was this one time that was different though. On a day close to the end of our first semester together, he suddenly stopped his rambling and stared at me with a really serious expression. The abrupt lack of background noise startled me from the article I was reading while humoring him, and when I saw his face I thought he must have been angry with me for ignoring him. “You know Michael,” he started as I prepared my apology, “I really appreciate that you listen to my stories every day. I know it must be boring and annoying for you, but you listen anyway and I appreciate that. So I want to promise you something. Us Goodings, we don’t forget stuff like this. We take care of our friends. Just you wait, one day me and the whole family will find a way to thank you.” I shuddered at the thought of having to attend a graduation party with his entire family and hear about all their adventures first hand, but at that moment I realized that Robert was actually a pretty good guy.

Our year together came to an end, and the next year I was assigned a different roommate. Rambling Robert still sent me emails to keep me up to date with all his family happenings for a while, but even those stopped when he decided to transfer out to some college in Washington. I completed my degree in criminal psychology and went on to work as a detective for the DEA for a while. I had a great time there busting drug dealers and cleaning up the streets of my hometown, and my mom was so proud to have a real Officer Doe in the family. I was about 45 years old when they promoted me and had me relocated near the Mexican border to work on the drug traffic coming from the cartels. It was there that I finally met one of Robert’s infamous family members, Randall Gooding. He was my new supervisor, and when I showed up on the first day he greeted me like an old friend. He told me that he recognized my name and background from the stories Robert had told him, and he personally requested that I be sent down. I was surprised that Robert even talked about me, we had only known each other for a year, but it was nice to reminisce about the Goodings again. Randall was just as talkative as Robert was, and we hit it off almost immediately. It felt like I was in college again. His nickname around the office was Rambling Randy, which had me chuckling for at least a day. Robert, it turns out, was doing just fine. He was a doctor now somewhere in Texas, and I was happy that my old friend was able to make such a good life for himself.

Work was good for a few years until the cartel activity started to pick up dramatically. Nobody was sure why but we were suddenly inundated with arrests and busts and all kinds of paper work. Even Randy wasn’t as talkative around this time. It was all supposed to come to a head today. Today we were going to do a massive takedown on a processing plant operating just inside the border. Our undercover agent had uncovered it while posing for a different case so Randy and I took the lead while the rest of the office continued monitoring the other operation. We enlisted the FBI and local SWAT teams for help and I thought everything was going to go smoothly until I got kidnapped right out of the parking lot on my way out of the office last night.

From the time they ripped the rucksack bag off of my head till the first rays of daylight, they questioned me. They were careful. All of them had clown masks on, the hard plastic kind that never quite fit the face right. All of them were wearing gloves and carrying weapons--some had guns, some had various wicked modifications of baseball bats and crowbars. The night was rough. They wanted to know how we found out about them, who we were working with, when the operation was going to go down, and a whole host of other questions. I was patient and waited. I gave them no information and suffered a few broken ribs and some teeth for it. While they were questioning me, I took in my surroundings. I knew from the floor plans I had studied for the bust that I was in the processing plant, specifically in one of the raised offices at the end of the building. I could see the entire plant from the large window on the wall in front of me. I guessed that they did not know about our plans yet, so I contented myself to sit tight and wait for the bust to happen at 10AM.

However, it was around 6AM when I heard the sirens blaring in the distance. Maybe they stepped up the schedule when they found out I was kidnapped, I thought. My captors were awake in an instant and took up the preplanned positions we had predicted. One of the guys carrying what looked like an M16 came cursing into the office where I was being held. After cracking me in the face with the butt of the gun, I felt more than heard him raise the muzzle level with the back of my head. Soon I heard an unfamiliar voice yell over a megaphone giving the normal spiel about being surrounded and to give up. Of course they refused to give up and began to use me as a bargaining chip. Randy’s voice came over the megaphone just before the first officer continued the negotiation, “Mikey! Just wait Mikey! Hang tight and don’t do anything stupid.”

The standoff lasted for hours. If it weren’t for the gun pressed on the nape of my neck, I would have probably passed out from boredom. Eventually things got real quiet. My guard started getting antsy and walked out--probably to check for new orders with his superiors. As soon as he left the room, a hundred glass windows shattered breaking the silence and raining shards of glass down on the main factory floor. White smoke obscured the first floor as tear gas flooded the facility. Shouting and gunfire followed as my captors opened fire. Amid the confusion and smoke I couldn’t tell who was winning. I did hear Randy’s voice at one point yelling orders like, “Dimitri, take the stairs and give Pauline some cover.” None of the officers who were supposed to be with us today were named Dimitri or Pauline. The din began to wither after only a few minutes and unseen officers began yelling, “Clear!” As the smoke dissipated, I expected to see the body armor and face masks of the SWAT teams who were supposed to be part of today’s operation. Instead I saw lots of men and a few women I had never seen before in various uniforms. Some were in army uniforms others were in suits, and there were even a few in civilian clothes. God, did they call the Army and CIA in on this? When Randy saw me, he came running up with one of the suited men who was carrying a bag.

“Mike! Thank God you’re still alive. I’m sorry we made you wait so long, but we had to wait for all the flights to make it before we could move.”

“What? What flights? Randy, what are you talking about?”

“We found out you were kidnapped at about midnight. The team that we were going to use wasn’t trained for hostage situations so I had to improvise. I made some calls around and got as many as I could to come down here. Good thing Nate here happened to have hostage experience. Nobody asked any questions after I brought your name up, we all know you thanks to Robert here.” He motioned at the suited man who was leaning in to assess me.

I frowned at the man and suddenly realized that his bag contained medical supplies. “Robert?” I choked the question out in disbelief. He just gave me a small smile while he continued his work. “You mean to tell me that all of these guys… They’re all your family?”

Robert looked up from where he was examining my jaw with a wry smile, “I told you we don’t forget Mike. All the Goodings come to Doe’s who wait. ”

(This is a translation from a french joke and my translation skill isn't great. I Hope it still makes someone laugh)

A woman who is feeling very ill goes to the doctor.
After a long examination, the doctor says "You seem to have a very serious disease, and I don't think I can do anything to save you. I give you no more than one week to live"
The woman, desperate, begs him "Are you really sure there isn't any drug that can help me ?"
The doctor thinks for a minute and says "Well, ok, you can try taking mud baths 5 times a day"
The woman, with a big smile and a new hope says "Ok, that seems feasible. Are you sure that can cure my disease ?"
The doctor answers "Oh no, that won't cure you, but at least you'll get used to being in the earth."

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names--a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is known as naproxen, and Advil is ibuprofen.

The Industry has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course, ibepokin.

"Sorry we don't serve bears in here" the barman says

"But I'm a big brown bear"

"Sorry we don't serve big brown bears"

Bear is angry and hits the bar with his claw "give me a beer now!"

"Sorry we don't serve bar bashing big brown bears!"

The bear picks up a barstool and smashes it against the ground "I want a beer!"

"Sorry we don't serve barstool breaking bar bashing big brown bears here"

The bear is getting angry and takes a bite from the counter "Give me a beer!"

"Sorry we dont serve drug addicts here either"

The bear is confused "I've never touched a drug in my life!!"

"What about that barbiturate"