Contents
Contents
I can make you speak Irish Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly
The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court The game would be cancelled.
A whale and a wave make a bet. (Just made this up.) The whale says to the wave, "I bet I could beat in a race to land." The wave agrees, so the whale takes off. He swims so fast, he drives himself ashore. The wave following behind him says " Hah! Beached ya!"
*Fantastic Ocean Life Facts* The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal... ...it's so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.
I took my kids to the aquarium.
"If you get really close to the glass maybe the whale will talk to you!" I suggested to my son.
"Grow up," said the woman behind the ticket booth.
If you hump a whale, does it humpback?
What do you get if you cross a woman with a whale? Your research funding suspended and a severe reprimand from the ethics committee.
Two whales walk into a bar.
"AAAAOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOAAAAAA, AOUUUUUUAAAA OOOOO," says the first whale.
The second whale replies, "Shut up, Steve, you're drunk."
A pod of whales walks into a bar.
One whale says to the other "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUYUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAOOOOOOO, OOOUAAAAAUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAYYYEEEEUUUM?!"
The other whale responds, "Go home Steve, you're drunk."
Baby Whale
Baby Whale says to Dad Whale, ‘Dad where did I come from?’
Dad Whale says, ‘ You came from me son, I put a seed in Mummy Whale and it grew into you’
Baby Whale says, ‘thanks Dad’
Dad Whale says, You’re Whalecum.’
My daughter got in a fight with some girl who called her a whale.
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“Come on love,” I said, “You’re bigger than that.”
How do you turn a fox into a whale? Marry her.
What do you call a whale that mates excessively? Mom.
Why was the whale lonely after his date? The other whale didn't humpback.
What's a killer whale's favorite pasta? Penguini
An Irish guy in front of me said, "Whale-oil beef-hooked" I don't know what any of that has to do with forgetting your passport..
Two whales are swimming in the ocean. One whale opens his mouth and says "BEEEEEOOOOOOUUUUUUUGAA BOOOOOOUUUUAAAAAAAAEEEOOOOH" The other whale turns to him and says "Dude you are so drunk."
What did the sperm whale have on his front porch? A whalecum mat.
What's the difference between a dog and a marine biologist? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
TIL a blue whale is so big, if you laid it out on a basketball court they would have to cancel the game.
2 whales
2 whales walk into a bar.
First whale says: ooooEEEEEEEEaaaayyyyyuuuuuuaaaaaa eeeeooOOOOYAIIIAIIIEYOOOooooooo
Second whale says: Shut up Steve, you're drunk
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing! They just WAVED.
SEA what I did there?
I'm SHORE you did.
Let MINNOW if you are not getting it.
SHELL I continue??
No?.. I guess I'll stop WHALE I'm ahead.
Thanks ladies and gentlefish
How to curse like an Irishman "Whale oil beef hooked!"
My son wanted to go whale watching for his birthday. So we sat outside McDonald's.
How do you circumcise a whale? Send down four skin-divers.
Why did the whale cross the road? Because there was a tsunami.
How to sound authentically Irish when bewildered, befuddled, confounded, or just generally in a tizzy. Say this phrase: Whale oil beef hooked.
I can't eat whale blubber.
I've tried it, I'm just not Inuit.
-my beloved nerd of a husband
Two whales
Under the ocean there were these two whales. One whale walks up to another and says "OOOoooOOOOooooooOOOoooOooooooooooOOOOoOOoOOoooooohhhhh!"
And the other whale says “Steve, dude, you are so drunk.”
Why did the whale cross the ocean? To get to the other tide.
Learn how to speak Irish in seconds...
Say these words quickly:
Whale
Oil
Beef
Hooked
How do you circumcise a whale? Well, first, you need four skin-divers...
How do you turn a fox into a whale? You marry her.
What's a whale's worst nightmare? Being compared to Amy Schumer
What do you use to circumcise a whale? Four skin divers.
A joke from my 8 year old cousin
How do you put a whale in a car?
You can't you idiot!
What did the beached whale say to Chris Christie? Well, looks like we both know how to empty a beach, huh?
Have you tried the whale sushi? It's Killer
Three whales walk into a bar... Bartender says whale whale whale!
The Blue Whale is the largest creature to ever exist on the planet Earth. But Greg's Ex-wife is a close second.
A young whale asks his father “hey dad, where did I come from?”. The dad replied “well son, you came from me and your mother’s hard work and time”. The son nodded and said “Thanks Dad”. His dad responded “ you’re whalecum”
Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh". The next whale says, "Shut up, Steve. You're drunk."
I once saw this obese albino laying by the pool... He looked like a bleached whale.
What do you get when you cross human and whale DNA? Well you get kicked out of the aquarium apparently.
Under newly enacted legislation, my restaurant is no longer allowed to offer whale or dolphin mean. It’s a blow, but, now and again, we’ll still serve a youthful porpoise.
If a killer whale wanted to compete with the Philharmonic, he'd just have to sip on a soda. Then he'd have a full orca straw.
What did the whale say to the dolphin after their car crash? Sorry I hit your car mate, was an accident, didn't do it on porpoise
What did the whale say to the divers Whalecome to the ocean
How does a whale get around town?
The Mono-whale!
(Written by yours truly at age ten)
What did the whale say when he swam into the wall? "Dam!"
What kind of whale bangs a camel? A humpback.
A mafia boss walks in to see a whale in the torture room. Whale whale whale, look who we got here!
Animal Pun I can’t think of a good animal pun, oh whale.
Why is a whale called a whale? Because it was the only name awhaleable.
What the difference between Amy Schumer and a whale? The whale won’t steal other people’s jokes.
Why did the beached whale go to the dentist? He had shore teeth
I asked my marine-biologist friend when is Whale Watching season? He said ," Year round if you sign up for Tinder"
How do you respond to a Sperm Whale thanking you? You're whaleCUM! hahahahah!
Girl are you a whale? Because we can humpback at my place
How do you get a blue whale into a subway? Take the 's' out of 'sub' and the 'f' out of 'way'.
Why did the blind man get swallowed by a whale? He couldn't see that whale.
I wanted to show my friend some music I'm orchestrating... But they stopped me right away, saying, "this sounds like the beginning of a killer whale joke."
My little brother is upset I didn't take him whale watching this season. I told him if you really want to go Whale Watching ,sign up for Tinder. ; It's year-round there
What kind of card does a sea captain get when they are in the hospital? Get whale soon!
There is two whales sitting at a bar
One of the whales says
*whale noise*"ouwwhhiouuhiuwwhoo"
The other whale says
"Frank, you are drunk!"
whats a blue whale's favorite date night? netflix & krill
What did the whale say to the diver?
"Ooooooooooooooooooooooo."
What did the whale say to the marine biologist?
"Ooooooooooooooooooooooo."
What did the whale say to my wife?
"Hey; you should lose weight."
What you call a healthy, large aquatic mammal living in a structure that gives access to ground water that is located west of England? A well Welsh well whale
If I hear one more pun about whale food... I'm gonna krill myself.
What'd the Secretary of State say when the oil tanker spilled on the seal reserve? Whale at least it wasn't on porpoise
Q: How do you circumcise a whale? A: You send down five skin divers.
Where do you go if you need to weigh a whale? A whale-weigh station!
Did you hear about the whale that went to the party? He was killer.
How do 3 whales start a conference Whale, whale, whale
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