Whale Jokes

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Funniest Whale Jokes

The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court The game would be cancelled.

A whale and a wave make a bet. (Just made this up.) The whale says to the wave, "I bet I could beat in a race to land." The wave agrees, so the whale takes off. He swims so fast, he drives himself ashore. The wave following behind him says " Hah! Beached ya!"

*Fantastic Ocean Life Facts* The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal... ...it's so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.

I took my kids to the aquarium. "If you get really close to the glass maybe the whale will talk to you!" I suggested to my son.

"Grow up," said the woman behind the ticket booth.

Two whales walk into a bar. "AAAAOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOAAAAAA, AOUUUUUUAAAA OOOOO," says the first whale.

The second whale replies, "Shut up, Steve, you're drunk."

A pod of whales walks into a bar. One whale says to the other "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUYUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAOOOOOOO, OOOUAAAAAUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAYYYEEEEUUUM?!"

The other whale responds, "Go home Steve, you're drunk."

Baby Whale Baby Whale says to Dad Whale, ‘Dad where did I come from?’
Dad Whale says, ‘ You came from me son, I put a seed in Mummy Whale and it grew into you’
Baby Whale says, ‘thanks Dad’
Dad Whale says, You’re Whalecum.’

Funny Whale Jokes

Why was the whale lonely after his date? The other whale didn't humpback.

Two whales are swimming in the ocean. One whale opens his mouth and says "BEEEEEOOOOOOUUUUUUUGAA BOOOOOOUUUUAAAAAAAAEEEOOOOH" The other whale turns to him and says "Dude you are so drunk."

What did the sperm whale have on his front porch? A whalecum mat.

TIL a blue whale is so big, if you laid it out on a basketball court they would have to cancel the game.

2 whales 2 whales walk into a bar.
First whale says: ooooEEEEEEEEaaaayyyyyuuuuuuaaaaaa eeeeooOOOOYAIIIAIIIEYOOOooooooo
Second whale says: Shut up Steve, you're drunk

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing! They just WAVED.

SEA what I did there?

I'm SHORE you did.

Let MINNOW if you are not getting it.

SHELL I continue??

No?.. I guess I'll stop WHALE I'm ahead.


Thanks ladies and gentlefish

My son wanted to go whale watching for his birthday. So we sat outside McDonald's.

How to sound authentically Irish when bewildered, befuddled, confounded, or just generally in a tizzy. Say this phrase: Whale oil beef hooked.

Why did the whale cross the road? Because there was a tsunami.

I can't eat whale blubber. I've tried it, I'm just not Inuit.

-my beloved nerd of a husband

Two whales Under the ocean there were these two whales. One whale walks up to another and says "OOOoooOOOOooooooOOOoooOooooooooooOOOOoOOoOOoooooohhhhh!"
And the other whale says “Steve, dude, you are so drunk.”

Why did the whale cross the ocean? To get to the other tide.

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, "Weeeeeooooouuuhhhh." The next whale says, "Shut up, Steve. You're drunk."

What do you call a whale without underpants? Free Willy

I was in an Eskimo restaurant the other day, and the waiter said ....... "We´ve got whale meat, or whale meat, or the Vera Lynn Special."
I asked him what was in the Vera Lynn Special?
He said "whale meat again".

What did the killer whale do when the boat came? Swallowed all the seamen

I hear Ahab was made captain ahead of his more qualified peers... Talk about white whale privilege.

Biologists [find a whale washed up on the shore] Biologists [find a whale washed up on the shore]: it’s a new species, what do we call it?
Bunch o’ surfer dudes walking by: yo! Killer whale dude...
Biologists [looking at each other]:...

A blue whale is the largest animal that's ever existed It's so big that if it was laid out on a basketball court the game would have to be cancelled.

Worst Joke Ever Two whales are sitting in a bar and one whale says "eeeyyoooo eeeeyyy yyeeooo oooyyy ooeeeee" and the other whale says "Shut up Steve, you're drunk."

Two whales walk into a bar... The first whale says oooOOOOoOooOOoOoooOOOOoOoOOOooooOo

The second whale says: "Karl you're drunk!"

What did the beached whale say to Chris Christie? Well, looks like we both know how to empty a beach, huh?

What's an Irishmans favourite saying? Whale oil beef hooked

Eskimo restaurant I went to an Eskimo restaurant and asked the waiter about the specials.

He said: 'We've got whale meat, or whale meat, or whale meat... Or we've got the Vera Lynn.'

I said 'What's the Vera Lynn?'

He said 'Whale meat again.....’

Have you tried the whale sushi? It's Killer

Two whales drinking in a bar One turns to the other and says "Yewwwwwoooooooooooowwwwwahhhhhmmmmmmm". The other whale says "Geez Bob, you sure are hammered".

What did the whale say after eating the boat? "This tastes like ship."

Why should you never trust a whale with your secrets? They're huge blubbermouths.

What's the difference between a blue whale and your mother? One is the largest known mammal on earth, the other is a blue whale.

A joke from my 8 year old cousin How do you put a whale in a car?

You can't you idiot!

The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks. It was very carefully orca-strated.

Two whales are sitting at a bar The first whale says: "eeeeeooooooohhhhhh mmmmmmuhuuuuuuaaaa clck clck clck clck AAAAuuuuuUuuuuuh!!!"

And the second whale replies back: "dude you are WASTED I hope you didn't drive here"

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New Whale Jokes

Vera Lynn used to work at an Arctic research station. She wrote a protest song about the lack of variety in the staff canteen. Whale meat again?

VE Day Joke... I went to an Eskimo restaurant and asked the waiter about the specials.

He said: 'We've got whale meat, or whale meat, or whale meat or we've got the Vera Lynn.'

I said 'What's the Vera Lynn?'

He said 'Whale meat again

A baby fish is called a fry. A baby whale is called a calf. A baby shark is a doo doo doo doo doo doo.

Two whales go to a bar One whale says “uuooooEEEAAAOUUUUUUEEEEEEUUUOOOOOOIUUUUUUOOO”



The other says “Go home Steve. You’re drunk.”

I am going to tow a whale with open mouth behind my boat : Operation : Overkrill

Do you know why the yuppies' favorite animal is the whale It has a dedicated blowhole

How do Orcas like their steak? Medium Whale

What do you call the President's submarine? Whale Force One.

Whale of a joke **Why should you never hump a whale...**

They may feel a bit blue,
Some may think it's great,
Others may find it killer,
But you always run the risk of find the one that will humpback.

Why should you never make a contract with a whale? The whale will eventually breach.

What did the whale say to his son when he failed his spelling test? Oh whale son, you’ll krill the next one!

Three whales walk into a bar... Whale, whale, whale says the bartender.

A new species of whale has been discovered near Japan (don’t tell them that)

Where do you weigh whales? At the whale weigh station.

What do you get when you cross human and whale DNA? Well you get kicked out of the aquarium apparently.

"Whale whale whale look who it is." My buddy hates when I visit him at the aquarium. He says I'm not using the word for its intended porpoise.

What do you call a whale with bad posture?? A hunchback whale.

Two whales walk into a bar The first one says “Eoooooooooooouuaaaahmmmmmmnnnnnaaauuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaauuuuuaaaaaahhhhhhmmmnmh”
And the second whale turns to his friend and says “Frank, what is wrong with you?”

Under newly enacted legislation, my restaurant is no longer allowed to offer whale or dolphin mean. It’s a blow, but, now and again, we’ll still serve a youthful porpoise.

A fish is efficient But a whale is a fishn't

If a killer whale wanted to compete with the Philharmonic, he'd just have to sip on a soda. Then he'd have a full orca straw.

The Blue Whale is the largest creature to ever exist on the planet Earth. But Greg's Ex-wife is a close second.

Norway have captured a whale which is allegedly a member of Russian Special Forces Any attempt to interrogate it has been unsuccessful, as the whale has taken its Cyanide Krill.

What did the whale say to the dolphin after their car crash? Sorry I hit your car mate, was an accident, didn't do it on porpoise

Two whales are sitting in a bar... One whale says : Aaaoohoaawaoooooo

The other says : Dude, you are so drunk.

I went to an ocean themed party It was a whale of a time.

What did the whale say to the divers Whalecome to the ocean

Did you hear about the man that got swallowed by a Whale over the weekend? Well, he wasn't the only one. I'm looking for a boy made out of wood with a nose that grow longer every time he lies. Have you seen him?

What does a whale eat Fish and ships

It's so dumb it's kinda funny

What is a dolphin's favorite TV show ? Whale of fortune !

What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him? Sorry I didn’t do it on porpoise

A lion and a tiger make a liger, a whale and dolphin a wolphin, a squid and octopus a scquoctopus. What would a five-year old and a horse be? Definitely illegal.

What do you call a sperm whale that has just ejaculated? A spent whale

How does a whale get around town? The Mono-whale!

(Written by yours truly at age ten)

A retired policeman decides to get into aquatic mammal identification. Whale whale whale, what do we have here then?

How long is a while? A bit shorter than a whale

What did the whale say when he swam into the wall? "Dam!"

There were two whales at a bar. The first whale says to the second (make whale noises until everyone is a little uncomfortable).

Then the second whale says back to the first (inhale sharply), "Go home Frank. You're drunk."

How did the whale get pregnant off the submarine? Snapped it in half, and sucked up all the sea-men

What did the whale say to the barnacle? I used to think you were just a bottom feeder but now you're starting to grow on me.

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Long Whale Jokes

Two whales seek revenge.

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as hard as we can! Our air will flip the boat and all the men will fall in the water and drown!"

Second whale says "Okay, lets do it".

So they get their lungs full, they dive down beneath the boats hidden from the whalers. They blow as hard as they can and flip the boat with literal ease.

The whales swim back and watch as the men struggle to survive.

The first whale looks to the second and says "Man, they really aren't drowning like I wanted them to, we've got to do something!"

Second whale says, "Okay, what would you like to do?"

First whale says, "Lets eat them!"

Second whale stops him and says "Whoa, whoa, whoa, I agreed to the blow job, but i'm not swallowing the seamen."

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as hard as we can! Our air will flip the boat and all the men will fall in the water and drown!"

Second whale says "Okay, lets do it".

So they get their lungs full, they dive down beneath the boats hidden from the whalers. They blow as hard as they can and flip the boat with literal ease.

The whales swim back and watch as the men struggle to survive.

The first whale looks to the second and says "Man, they really aren't drowning like I wanted them to, we've got to do something!"

Second whale says, "Okay, what would you like to do?"

First whale says, "Lets eat them!"

Second whale stops him and says "Whoa, whoa, whoa, I agreed to the blow job, but i'm not swallowing the seamen."

Love this joke. Had to repost

Two whales walk into a bar.

The bartender asks what he can get them.

The first whale says "WOOOOOOWWWWWWWOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEE WWONNNKKKKKWOAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAWOOOOO."

The second whale says "damn it Frank you're already drunk."

Two whales

There were 2 whales swimming around who were very bored when they saw a boat. One whale says to the other, ''I've got an idea for a laugh, why don't we swim under the boat, blow water from our blowholes, and capsize it."

"Okay," says the other whale.


They proceed to do so and swim back down, laughing all the while.
Then the first whale then says, ''I have an even better idea, now that the fishermen are in the water, why don't we swim back up and eat them?''


The other whale then replies ''No thanks. I'm all for the occasional blow job but I never swallow the seamen."

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash. Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:

"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to the first guy, "and the other day it's the other".

And so they have a whale of time taking turns, enjoying their business together for one whole month. However, unfortunately, the woman dies after that month, because of a rotten banana or whatever. The two men mourn the loss of their playmate and partner for the following week. Then, one man goes to the other and says:

"Okay man, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you, and the other day it's me."

And so they have a good time taking turns, enjoying their business together for one whole month. The first man then goes to the other and says:

"Okay man, I need to talk to you.

\- Yeah, me too actually.

\- We had a fun month, but I think we should stop.

\- Yeah, I felt this way too. I feel what we're doing is not natural.

\- That's right. Let's stop."

So they nod their head in common understanding. The second man then says:

"Well then, shall we bury her?"

It's the First World War, and a French Battalion and a German Battalion face each other in the trenches.

It's a rather slow day, and the Krauts sit bored in their trenches. Then, a young corporal speaks: "We really need to kill more frenchies! What can we do to lure them out?"
A young recruit asks, "What is a typical french name?"
Another answers, "Pierre."
The young recruit gets up, puts his rifle on the edge of the trench, aims, then shouts, "Pierre!!"
From the other trench, a blue helmed head pops up, and answeres, "Oui?"
*Bang!* The frenchman falls over dead.
The german shouts again, "Pierre!!"
Another french man looks up, asking "Oui?"
*Bang!* He is dead as well.
This continues for another half an hour, with the germans having a whale of a good time.

The french commanders stick their heads together.
"This can't continue! Our men are dying like flies!"
"Can't we turn that tactic on them, as well?"
The french think.
"What's a typical German name?"
"Erich."
They decide to try it out immediatly. They send a soldier out with their new master plan. He get's his rifle, nervously peeks out of the trench at the german line, then shouts: "Erich!!"
Nothing happens.
He shouts again, "Erich!!"
Still, no answer.
Slightly annoyed, he shouts louder. "ERICH!!"

From the other side, a german voice in french asks,
"Is that you, Pierre?"
The french soldier looks up, "Oui!!",and *Bang*, get's shot.

Blow Hard

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

A whale of a joke

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

A couple of whales.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the same side of the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him."What's the matter, Darling?"
"Look, Love," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".

Two whales are swimming

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

So two whales are swimming along...

... when they spot a whaling ship. The first whale, in shock, says, "Hey! That's that ship that attacked our pod last year. We should sink it. We'll dive deep under the boat and blow bubbles up. The bubbles will capsize the boat and they'll sink!"

The second whale agrees and they begin their attack on the unsuspecting boat. The two whales take enormous breaths and dive deep under the boat. They blow all the air out their blowholes and the bubbles race toward the surface. When the two whales come up they see the boat is capsized and sinking and several sailors are in the water.

"Oh man!" says the first whale. "We got 'em. Look, they're all swimming in the water. Now we can eat them!"

The second whale, taken aback, then says, "Sorry man, I'll help with the blow job, but I won't swallow seamen."

A whale tale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Two whales walk into a bar.

They approach the bartender and the first says "WAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOHHHHOOAAAAAUAUUUAUAAAAUAAUUUUAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU."

The second whale turns to him and says, "Frank, you're drunk."

A whale story

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Two whales are in a bar

One whale says too the other "waoooaoooooooaoooowuooooooooooooooowaooooooouooooooooooooooooowaaaaaaaaaaaaaaoooooooooooooooooowooooooooooaoaooaoooooooooooouoooooooooooooooooooowoowoooooooooooooooaoaooooooowuaoooooooooooowu."

Then the second whale says
"Go home Steve you're drunk."

2 Whales, 1 whaling ship

One day a male and a female whale are swimming along, when the male whale sees the whaling ship that killed his mother. He turns to the female whale, and says "I have a plan. Lets both take a huge breath of air, swim under that whaling ship, expel all our breath, and see if we can sink it." The female says okay, and they proceed with his plan, and sure enough the whaling ship sinks. But as the whales are swimming away, the male sees the sailors from the ship swimming away, he turns to the female and says "Quick, lets swim over there and eat those sailors." The female whale turns to him and says "Hey now, wait a minute, I was okay with the blow job, but there is no way I'm swallowing any seamen."

Mama whale and Papa whale ...

... swim and look upon sailors coming towards them. The sailors are on small boats and have their spear in hand.

Papa whale says to mama whale:

-"They're hunting us, we should make bubbles and tip them over."

The mama whale agrees. They dive underneath the ships and blow so many bubbles that the ships capsize and the sailors fall into the water, but they still have their spears in their hands. Papa whale is still weary.

He says to mama whale:

-"We should eat them".

Mama whale says:

-"Listen, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing seamen."

Two whales are swimming along in the ocean...

When one whale spots a fishing boat. So he says to the other whale "Hey, that is the boat that harpooned Frank, we should get back at them"

The other whale says "Oh yeah? What should we do?"

"I say we both go under their boat, and blow our blowholes as hard as we can, that will knock over their boat!" And so both whales went under the boat, and with a powerful blast they were able to capsize the boat and send all the sailors into the water.

The first whale then says "Now that they are all in the water, I say we eat them!"

And the second whale replies "Woah, woah, woah. I was all for the blow job but I won't swallow any seamen".

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