Hilarious Whale Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Whale Jokes

I can make you speak Irish Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly

Score: 645

The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court The game would be cancelled.

Score: 233

A whale and a wave make a bet. (Just made this up.) The whale says to the wave, "I bet I could beat in a race to land." The wave agrees, so the whale takes off. He swims so fast, he drives himself ashore. The wave following behind him says " Hah! Beached ya!"

Score: 144

*Fantastic Ocean Life Facts* The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal... ...it's so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.

Score: 134

I took my kids to the aquarium. "If you get really close to the glass maybe the whale will talk to you!" I suggested to my son.

"Grow up," said the woman behind the ticket booth.

Score: 118

If you hump a whale, does it humpback?

Score: 106

What do you get if you cross a woman with a whale? Your research funding suspended and a severe reprimand from the ethics committee.

Score: 103

Two whales walk into a bar. "AAAAOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOAAAAAA, AOUUUUUUAAAA OOOOO," says the first whale.

The second whale replies, "Shut up, Steve, you're drunk."

Score: 91

A pod of whales walks into a bar. One whale says to the other "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUYUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAOOOOOOO, OOOUAAAAAUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAYYYEEEEUUUM?!"

The other whale responds, "Go home Steve, you're drunk."

Score: 82

Baby Whale Baby Whale says to Dad Whale, ‘Dad where did I come from?’
Dad Whale says, ‘ You came from me son, I put a seed in Mummy Whale and it grew into you’
Baby Whale says, ‘thanks Dad’
Dad Whale says, You’re Whalecum.’

Score: 75

My daughter got in a fight with some girl who called her a whale. 

“Come on love,” I said, “You’re bigger than that.”

Score: 74

How do you turn a fox into a whale? Marry her.

Score: 65

Score: 42

Why was the whale lonely after his date? The other whale didn't humpback.

Score: 39

What's a killer whale's favorite pasta? Penguini

Score: 33

An Irish guy in front of me said, "Whale-oil beef-hooked" I don't know what any of that has to do with forgetting your passport..

Score: 32

Two whales are swimming in the ocean. One whale opens his mouth and says "BEEEEEOOOOOOUUUUUUUGAA BOOOOOOUUUUAAAAAAAAEEEOOOOH" The other whale turns to him and says "Dude you are so drunk."

Score: 28

What did the sperm whale have on his front porch? A whalecum mat.

Score: 25

What's the difference between a dog and a marine biologist? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

Score: 24

TIL a blue whale is so big, if you laid it out on a basketball court they would have to cancel the game.

Score: 23

2 whales 2 whales walk into a bar.
First whale says: ooooEEEEEEEEaaaayyyyyuuuuuuaaaaaa eeeeooOOOOYAIIIAIIIEYOOOooooooo
Second whale says: Shut up Steve, you're drunk

Score: 22

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing! They just WAVED.

SEA what I did there?

I'm SHORE you did.

Let MINNOW if you are not getting it.

SHELL I continue??

No?.. I guess I'll stop WHALE I'm ahead.

Thanks ladies and gentlefish

Score: 22

How to curse like an Irishman "Whale oil beef hooked!"

Score: 20

My son wanted to go whale watching for his birthday. So we sat outside McDonald's.

Score: 17

How do you circumcise a whale? Send down four skin-divers.

Score: 16

Why did the whale cross the road? Because there was a tsunami.

Score: 16

How to sound authentically Irish when bewildered, befuddled, confounded, or just generally in a tizzy. Say this phrase: Whale oil beef hooked.

Score: 16

I can't eat whale blubber. I've tried it, I'm just not Inuit.

-my beloved nerd of a husband

Score: 16

Two whales Under the ocean there were these two whales. One whale walks up to another and says "OOOoooOOOOooooooOOOoooOooooooooooOOOOoOOoOOoooooohhhhh!"
And the other whale says “Steve, dude, you are so drunk.”

Score: 15

Why did the whale cross the ocean? To get to the other tide.

Score: 15

Learn how to speak Irish in seconds... Say these words quickly:
Whale
Oil
Beef
Hooked

Score: 12

How do you circumcise a whale? Well, first, you need four skin-divers...

Score: 10

How do you turn a fox into a whale? You marry her.

Score: 8

What's a whale's worst nightmare? Being compared to Amy Schumer

Score: 7

What do you use to circumcise a whale? Four skin divers.

Score: 6

A joke from my 8 year old cousin How do you put a whale in a car?

You can't you idiot!

Score: 6

What did the beached whale say to Chris Christie? Well, looks like we both know how to empty a beach, huh?

Score: 6

Have you tried the whale sushi? It's Killer

Score: 6

Three whales walk into a bar... Bartender says whale whale whale!

Score: 5

The Blue Whale is the largest creature to ever exist on the planet Earth. But Greg's Ex-wife is a close second.

Score: 4

New Whale Jokes

A young whale asks his father “hey dad, where did I come from?”. The dad replied “well son, you came from me and your mother’s hard work and time”. The son nodded and said “Thanks Dad”. His dad responded “ you’re whalecum”

Score: 0

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh". The next whale says, "Shut up, Steve. You're drunk."

Score: 0

I once saw this obese albino laying by the pool... He looked like a bleached whale.

Score: 3

What do you get when you cross human and whale DNA? Well you get kicked out of the aquarium apparently.

Score: 1

Under newly enacted legislation, my restaurant is no longer allowed to offer whale or dolphin mean. It’s a blow, but, now and again, we’ll still serve a youthful porpoise.

Score: 2

If a killer whale wanted to compete with the Philharmonic, he'd just have to sip on a soda. Then he'd have a full orca straw.

Score: 2

What did the whale say to the dolphin after their car crash? Sorry I hit your car mate, was an accident, didn't do it on porpoise

Score: 1

What did the whale say to the divers Whalecome to the ocean

Score: 1

How does a whale get around town? The Mono-whale!

(Written by yours truly at age ten)

Score: 3

What did the whale say when he swam into the wall? "Dam!"

Score: 3

What kind of whale bangs a camel? A humpback.

Score: 2

A mafia boss walks in to see a whale in the torture room. Whale whale whale, look who we got here!

Score: 1

Animal Pun I can’t think of a good animal pun, oh whale.

Score: 2

Why is a whale called a whale? Because it was the only name awhaleable.

Score: 3

What the difference between Amy Schumer and a whale? The whale won’t steal other people’s jokes.

Score: 2

Why did the beached whale go to the dentist? He had shore teeth

Score: 2

I asked my marine-biologist friend when is Whale Watching season? He said ," Year round if you sign up for Tinder"

Score: 4

How do you respond to a Sperm Whale thanking you? You're whaleCUM! hahahahah!

Score: 1

Girl are you a whale? Because we can humpback at my place

Score: 3

How do you get a blue whale into a subway? Take the 's' out of 'sub' and the 'f' out of 'way'.

Score: 2

Why did the blind man get swallowed by a whale? He couldn't see that whale.

Score: 2

I wanted to show my friend some music I'm orchestrating... But they stopped me right away, saying, "this sounds like the beginning of a killer whale joke."

Score: 1

My little brother is upset I didn't take him whale watching this season. I told him if you really want to go Whale Watching ,sign up for Tinder. ; It's year-round there

Score: 2

What kind of card does a sea captain get when they are in the hospital? Get whale soon!

Score: 2

There is two whales sitting at a bar One of the whales says
*whale noise*"ouwwhhiouuhiuwwhoo"

The other whale says
"Frank, you are drunk!"

Score: 2

whats a blue whale's favorite date night? netflix & krill

Score: 3

What did the whale say to the diver? "Ooooooooooooooooooooooo."

What did the whale say to the marine biologist?

"Ooooooooooooooooooooooo."

What did the whale say to my wife?

"Hey; you should lose weight."

Score: 4

What you call a healthy, large aquatic mammal living in a structure that gives access to ground water that is located west of England? A well Welsh well whale

Score: 2

If I hear one more pun about whale food... I'm gonna krill myself.

Score: 2

What'd the Secretary of State say when the oil tanker spilled on the seal reserve? Whale at least it wasn't on porpoise

Score: 1

Q: How do you circumcise a whale? A: You send down five skin divers.

Score: 3

Where do you go if you need to weigh a whale? A whale-weigh station!

Score: 2

Did you hear about the whale that went to the party? He was killer.

Score: 1

How do 3 whales start a conference Whale, whale, whale

Score: 1