Whale Jokes

I can make you speak Irish Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly

The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court The game would be cancelled.

A whale and a wave make a bet. (Just made this up.) The whale says to the wave, "I bet I could beat in a race to land." The wave agrees, so the whale takes off. He swims so fast, he drives himself ashore. The wave following behind him says " Hah! Beached ya!"

*Fantastic Ocean Life Facts* The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal... ...it's so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.

I took my kids to the aquarium. "If you get really close to the glass maybe the whale will talk to you!" I suggested to my son.

"Grow up," said the woman behind the ticket booth.

If you hump a whale, does it humpback?

What do you get if you cross a woman with a whale? Your research funding suspended and a severe reprimand from the ethics committee.

Two whales walk into a bar. "AAAAOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOAAAAAA, AOUUUUUUAAAA OOOOO," says the first whale.

The second whale replies, "Shut up, Steve, you're drunk."

A pod of whales walks into a bar. One whale says to the other "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUYUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAOOOOOOO, OOOUAAAAAUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAYYYEEEEUUUM?!"

The other whale responds, "Go home Steve, you're drunk."

Baby Whale Baby Whale says to Dad Whale, ‘Dad where did I come from?’
Dad Whale says, ‘ You came from me son, I put a seed in Mummy Whale and it grew into you’
Baby Whale says, ‘thanks Dad’
Dad Whale says, You’re Whalecum.’

My daughter got in a fight with some girl who called her a whale. ​

“Come on love,” I said, “You’re bigger than that.”

How do you turn a fox into a whale? Marry her.

Why was the whale lonely after his date? The other whale didn't humpback.

What's a killer whale's favorite pasta? Penguini

An Irish guy in front of me said, "Whale-oil beef-hooked" I don't know what any of that has to do with forgetting your passport..

Two whales are swimming in the ocean. One whale opens his mouth and says "BEEEEEOOOOOOUUUUUUUGAA BOOOOOOUUUUAAAAAAAAEEEOOOOH" The other whale turns to him and says "Dude you are so drunk."

What did the sperm whale have on his front porch? A whalecum mat.

What's the difference between a dog and a marine biologist? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

TIL a blue whale is so big, if you laid it out on a basketball court they would have to cancel the game.

2 whales 2 whales walk into a bar.
First whale says: ooooEEEEEEEEaaaayyyyyuuuuuuaaaaaa eeeeooOOOOYAIIIAIIIEYOOOooooooo
Second whale says: Shut up Steve, you're drunk

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing! They just WAVED.

SEA what I did there?

I'm SHORE you did.

Let MINNOW if you are not getting it.

SHELL I continue??

No?.. I guess I'll stop WHALE I'm ahead.


Thanks ladies and gentlefish

How to curse like an Irishman "Whale oil beef hooked!"

My son wanted to go whale watching for his birthday. So we sat outside McDonald's.

How do you circumcise a whale? Send down four skin-divers.

Why did the whale cross the road? Because there was a tsunami.

How to sound authentically Irish when bewildered, befuddled, confounded, or just generally in a tizzy. Say this phrase: Whale oil beef hooked.

I can't eat whale blubber. I've tried it, I'm just not Inuit.

-my beloved nerd of a husband

Why did the whale cross the ocean? To get to the other tide.

Two whales Under the ocean there were these two whales. One whale walks up to another and says "OOOoooOOOOooooooOOOoooOooooooooooOOOOoOOoOOoooooohhhhh!"
And the other whale says “Steve, dude, you are so drunk.”

A joke from my 8 year old cousin How do you put a whale in a car?

You can't you idiot!

What do you use to circumcise a whale? Four skin divers.

The Blue Whale is the largest creature to ever exist on the planet Earth. But Greg's Ex-wife is a close second.

What did the whale say when he swam into the wall? "Dam!"

How does a whale get around town? The Mono-whale!

(Written by yours truly at age ten)

I once saw this obese albino laying by the pool... He looked like a bleached whale.

Under newly enacted legislation, my restaurant is no longer allowed to offer whale or dolphin mean. It’s a blow, but, now and again, we’ll still serve a youthful porpoise.

If a killer whale wanted to compete with the Philharmonic, he'd just have to sip on a soda. Then he'd have a full orca straw.

What did the whale say to the divers Whalecome to the ocean

What did the whale say to the dolphin after their car crash? Sorry I hit your car mate, was an accident, didn't do it on porpoise