My buddy just came to me all depressed and said “My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.” So I said “well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."
Why does Africa never win the Olympics? Because it's a continent, dumbass.
What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common? One dumbass who never pulls out in time
A couple of friends are drinking at a bar
One friend spots a couple of old drunks at the end of the bar and says "that'll be us in ten years".
The other friend looks and says "That's a mirror dumbass".
what does a frozen beer, burnt pizza, and pregnant girl all have in common? they all happened because some dumbass didn't pull it out in time.
What's white, cold, falling in winter and ending with "bass" ? The snow, dumbass.
Two men are drinking in a bar.
One of them looks across the bar and sees two old drunks sitting at a table. He turns to his friend and says, "In ten years, that'll be us."
His friend looks and says, "That's a mirror, dumbass."
A high school bully sees an old victim at their reunion,
Bully: Hey virgin!
Victim: Im not a virgin, just ask your sister.
Bully: I dont have a sister, dumbass.
Victim: Just wait nine months.
I was applying for the Australia Visa. And the interviewer asked
Interviewer: Sir, do you have a criminal record?
My dumbass: No, is that still required?
A guy told his neighbor "Close the window when you sleep with your wife cause I saw you yesterday" His neighbor laughed and said " I wasn't even home yesterday dumbass!"
Look, dumbass, I've got your phone! Owner looks at iPhone, iPhone unlocks, thief runs off with it.
A drunk man was looking confused at a hand mirror
"I've seen this person before" he said.
His drunk friend grabbed the mirror from his hand to take a look "That's me you dumbass".
Which mouse can walk with two legs? Mickey Mouse. But which duck can walk with two legs? All of them dumbass
What does a burnt pizza , a frozen beer and a pregnant lady have in common? One dumbass who forgets to pull out in time
An almost hysterical man calls 911...
He yells, "Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor just started now, it's really intense!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.
"No dumbass! It's her husband!"
Three dumbass people were sleeping on a bed. There wasn't enough space for the three of them. One of them moved to sleep on the floor. When he went, one of the dumb guys called him and said "dude come back! There's suddenly a lot of space here!"
Alphabet Pick-up-line
Me: You remind of the 20 letters of the alphabet
Girl: There are 26 letters in the alphabet dumbass
Me: Oh, I forgot to mention, U R A Q T
Girl: That still only makes 25 . . .
Me: Don't worry, I will give you that D later
Give a man a fish...
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to google, he quits asking dumbass questions.
A german walks into a bar
and orders one martini. The bartender asks:
"Dry?"
The German replies
"No, one you dumbass!"
Do you know why Africa is never in the Olympics? Because Africa is not a country dumbass.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Wakanda.
Wakanda who?
Wakanda dumbass question is that?
When you die, you don’t know you’re dead. It’s just painful for everyone around you. It’s the same when you act like a dumbass
A dinner.
Jack: Hey, Ryan. Do you want seconds?
Ryan: Yeah.
Jack: Then why don't you eat a clock you dumbass!
Ryan: I would but it would be very time consuming.
I can't laugh at jokes about concentration camps, since my grandpa died there too. The dumbass fell from a watchtower.
The other day I failed my grade 10 English exam for the third year in a row
My friend called it quite a feat.
I smugly corrected him and said, "the singular is actually 'a foot.'"
How did that dumbass even pass??
Dad: what mouse walks on 2 feet?
Me:
Dad: Mickey Mouse
Dad: What duck walks on 2 feet?
Me: Donald Duck?
Dad: All ducks, dumbass
Why do scuba divers fall backwards Because if they fall forward they fall in the boat dumbass.
I rushed to the clothes store when I heard all women's pants are half off. But I saw no women with their pants down. Dumbass liars.
A hysterical man calls a hospital
"Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.
"No you dumbass! It’s her husband!"
Do you know why can't you eat soup in the Matrix? Because there is no such thing as the Matrix, dumbass. It's just a movie.
What did the squirrel say when he spilt all of his acorns? Nothing, squirrels don’t talk dumbass.
What do you call a person who is book smart, but not street smart? An intellectual dumbass
What you call an animal that moos? A cow, dumbass.
Did you hear about the suicide bomber who destroyed part of his compound? The dumbass was trying to practice.
Did you know that Trump & Biden has the same knickname in high school? It was dumbass
My fiends not very smart, he got 100 bottles of 1% milk. Guy from the math equation you know. Dumbass. Didn’t even buy 50 2% milk gallons.