Cucumber Jokes

Funny Cucumber Jokes
Score: 94

A man gets home and sees his wife pleasuring herself with a cucumber "What are you doing?" he shouts, "I have to eat that later, and I don't want it tasting like cucumber!"

Score: 75

Roses are 6, yellow is a number I’m having a stroke, call a cucumber

Score: 34

A dad walks into his daughter's room and saw her fapping with a cucumber, he said: Hey! I was going to eat that, now it's going to taste like cucumber!

Score: 33

So a guy walks in on his daughter masterbating with a cucumber. "SICK!" he said.

"I was going to eat that.... Now it's going to taste like cucumber."

Score: 30

Why did the cucumber blush? It saw the salad dressing

Score: 27

What's the difference between a good meal and a good time? Well, it depends on where you put the cucumber.

Score: 15

What makes a cucumber turn into a pickle? A jarring experience

Score: 14

I wanted something from my colleague so I asked him - “How busy are you today?” He replied “As busy as a cucumber in a women’s prison”!

Score: 14

Vegetables What did the cucumber say to the cabbage when they got kidnapped by the tomato?

Lettuce go

Score: 11

Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ... I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is.

Score: 11

Three girls sit at a bar bragging about how loose they are. The first says she can fit a sausage. The second says a cucumber. The third starts to slide down the bar stool

Score: 10

A beetle was happily eating a cucumber, but then the cucumber suddenly was immersed in vinegar As the beetle started to burn it thought, *"Uh oh, now I'm really in a pickle."*

Score: 10

I fell in love with a cucumber farmer. We had many good years together but then, as these things do, it turned sour.

Long story short: I'm in a bit of a pickle.

Score: 9

A farmer gave me some good advice He told me the difference between a good meal and a good time is where you put the cucumber.

Score: 8

So a horse walks into a bar.. and a duck walks into a bar

and a buffalo walks into a bar

and a cucumber walks into a bar

and a tomato walks into a bar...

and the bartender says "Alright, what is this? Some kind of joke?"

Score: 7

So there's this mollusk And he walks up to the sea cucumber and he says, "With knees like these, who needs anemones!"

Score: 7

A man sees his wife taking a...... cucumber from the fridge. Being the gentleman that he is he offers to slice it up for her. She turns to him with a look of disgust on her face and says, 'what do you think I am, a slot machine?'

Score: 7

Why did the cucumber blush? He saw the salad dressing.

Score: 7

What's the definition of suspicion? Nun doing press ups in a cucumber field.

Score: 6

Proud father... I'm really proud of my daughter. She's taken her new vegetable diet very well. Just last night I found a cucumber in her room.

Score: 6

A cucumber made a deal with the devil. He is quite in a pickle now.

Source: Stole it.

Score: 6

James and giant peach should have been serialized into a number of films. Dave and the giant strawberry.
John and the giant cantelope.
Your mom and the giant cucumber.

Score: 6

Old, but gold A woman goes to the market.

She says to the greengrocer: "I would like to purchase a cucumber"

The vendor answers: "Buy two, so you can eat one"

Score: 5

A cucumber made a dill with the devil. He's in quite a pickle now.

Score: 5

What did the halal lettuce say to the halal cucumber ? Lets make salat

Score: 5

What's lamer than a lemon but cooler than a cucumber? A radish.

Score: 5

3 women are sat at a bar They're having a conversation about how loose they are

The first says "I could fit a sausage up mine"

The second says "Only a sausage? I could fit a cucumber up there"

The third slides down the bar stool

Score: 5

A woman goes up to an employee at a garden shop. “How much for this goth cucumber” she asks,
“Ma’am that’s a catcus”

Score: 5

A bad metaphor is like a cucumber with a parachute.

Score: 4

Uh, hi. Yeah, I'll have a six-inch Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki on Honey Oat, please. No, thanks, no double meat or cheese. Yeah, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, banana peppers, and..." *checks phone* Oh, shoot. Wrong sub.

Score: 2

A main goes to the supermarket He gets one bread, one milk, one cucumber and on tomato, the cashier says: "you're single right?" the man responds: "yeah, how did you know? " the cashier: "you're ugly"

Score: 2

Three girls were in a bar Three girls were in a bar talking a bout how loose they were, the first could fit a cucumber, the second a squash and the third slid down the bar stool

Score: 2

A cucumber walks into a bar A cucumber walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "you got any ID?"
The cucumber hands him his license.
The bartender looks at the picture and goes, "nice try but this is obviously a pickle."

Score: 2

Did you hear about the ant that fell asleep in a cucumber? When he woke up he was in a pickle

Score: 1

Spiderman was sucking off a cucumber Guess you could say he was green goblin

Score: 1

The difference between a cucumber and pickles... Is jarring

Score: 1

3 Women in a bar talking about how loose they are. One fits a banana,the second one an cucumber and the third one slides down the bar stool.

Score: 1

The only difference between a good meal and a good time... is where you put the cucumber.

Score: 1

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