Standup Jokes

The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed "What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

Score: 1962

Everybody laughed at me when I said I was going to be a standup comedian. They're not laughing now.

Score: 832
Funny Standup Jokes
Score: 51

Stephen Hawking can be pretty funny sometimes, But I dont think he could do standup

Score: 50

After failing miserably at a standup routine I told my girlfriend I was going to try physical comedy. She said... "You can't pull your pants down in public."

Score: 10

What do comedians do when they get tired of doing standup comedy? Sitcoms

Score: 6

What's Stephen Hawking's least favorite kind of comedy? Standup.

Score: 5

Joke from a 5 year old kid: how come dinosaurs don't talk?

me: ...why?

kid: because they are all dead.

source: stolen from Brian Reagan's standup.

Score: 4

I always wanted to be a standup comedian... But I'm afraid of being laughed at.

Score: 4

Just watched Elton John's new standup act... It's a little bit funny.

Score: 4

Lie Down Comedian Two wives meet for coffee. Says one wife about her comedian husband: "He really sucks as a standup comedian but he's awesome as a lie down comedian" Asks the other wife: "What do you mean?" Says the first wife: "He's a real joke in bed."

Score: 4

What do you get if you cross a cat with an octopus? Arrested under the Animal Scientific Procedures Act 1986.

[Joke I wrote for a scientists do standup event]

Score: 4

My Standup Routine Alright, here it goes.

First, I plant my feet firmly on the ground...

Score: 4

The standup comedian As a standup comedian, I am prohibited from telling and jokes involving chairs.

Score: 4

My stupid parents and their stupid great marriage. Ruined my standup career.

Score: 4

Did you hear about the standup comic who was just released from prison? Yeah, Gilbert got freed.

(I apologize to Gilbert.)

Score: 3

I tried to do standup once They told me to sit back down

Score: 2

Some people give Franklin Roosevelt a lot of flak... But let's be honest, he was a real standup guy.

Score: 2

If i wrote comic books about standup comedy using my own material I would be a comic comic comic.

Score: 2

I just got a blood test. Was told my blood type is O negative? Do you know what that means? Means I can donate blood to anyone in the world...who also has aids.

(Stolen from Anthony jeselniks’s standup special)

Score: 2

England's greatest spy goes undercover as a standup comedian but gets heavily drunk before the show. As he fumbles up to the stage the audience starts booing, and he starts: "I'm Bombed. James Bombed."

Score: 2

We should thank Trump and Biden For giving this great standup comedy night.

Score: 2

Great joke I heard at a standup show in Houston this weekend. (Dark humor) Give a man a fish, and he you will feed him for the day.

Give a man two prosthetic legs, and he'll shoot his girlfriend.

Score: 1

I wanted to be a standup comedian.. they asked me to sit down.

Score: 1

A social activist was performing a standup routine at his local comedy club. He always had trouble getting his message heard, but tonight for some reason, his ideas were really popular. The real comment is always in the jokes

Score: 0

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