Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas. Hope she likes her toaster.
An old one. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?
A nervous wreck!
I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile.
My mom asked me what i wanted for xmas. I told her some clothes and something small to play with She gave me underwear with a hole cut in the front
A man buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for xmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
I got a sweater for xmas.... I was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
What does a Transvestite do on Xmas day? Eat, drink and be Mary.
Bought the wife some Meatloaf knickers for Xmas.
The front says "I will do anything for love"
On the rear it says "but I won't do that"
We are making our own xmas crackers for the family gathering this year. Got any good jokes we can put in them? Jokes as in "why did the chicken cross the road" not as in "live wasps".
What has eight arms and tells the time?
A clocktopus
Shoutout to the popper from my Xmas dinner
Our Xmas dinner also happens to be my New Year's resolution Bone-less turkey
I took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. He removed the Mariah Carey Xmas CD, and now it's fine.
I gave my friend, who is blind, a cheese grater for Xmas He said it was the most violent book he had ever read
50 cent gave Eminem a really high quality sweater for xmas. EMINEM was super thankful and said to him
GEE, YOU KNIT.
Who knew.
My friend told me yesterday that he's buying me a goat for Xmas. I said, you're kidding me.
You shouldn't eat Xmas decorations You will get tinselitis
What do you call someone who would do *anything* for a chocolate snack cake?
A ho ho ho.
(merry xmas!)
I got a sweater for Xmas I appreciate it, but I would have preferred a screamer or a moaner.
Yo mama
So fat I can stand on her belly and high five Jesus
-Merry Xmas
Do you know what uncle Putin said at the xmas table? Looks like I'm having turkey for dinner.
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work! (Xmas cracker joke folks)
Because their horns don't work!
(Xmas cracker joke folks)
What I want for Xmas... I asked Santa for a sister. He asked for my mom.
100 Internet points to whoever can solve this xmas cracker!
What kind of cough medicine does Dracula take?
Con Medicine
(a house of 20 can't work it out between us)
What was Bruce Lee’s first Xmas gift as a child? ATOYYY!!!
My kid is an amputee. For xmas I got her a new prosthetic leg. It's just a stocking filler