Deli Jokes

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then... ... you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.

Score: 179

Dad joke I came up with at work. I work at a grocery store produce department. Today there was some misplaced cheese in a cooler. I saw it was sharp provolone. I took it to the deli lady and once she read it I said "be careful, it's sharp."

Score: 67

Guy goes into a deli He looks over the menu:

Ham sandwich: $5
Roast beef sandwich: $7.50
Handjob: $250

He looks at the hot blonde behind the counter and says, "who gives the handjob?"

"I do!" She says with a smile!

"Well, wash your hands and make me a ham sandwich"

Score: 62

My family is getting worried about my consumption of deli meats, and I'm not sure what to do... They're trying to pressure me into quitting cold turkey!

Score: 56

I've got a terrible addiction, I can't stop eating deli meats. I'm trying to quit cold turkey.

Score: 24

TIFU by taking someone else's sandwich at the deli today Oops... wrong sub

Score: 14
Funny Deli Jokes
Score: 14

James Bond orders a sandwich James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.

The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"

Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."

Score: 11

I want to start a cafe and fill it with surrealist paintings. I'll call it Salvador Deli.

Score: 10

Deli meats I knew a guy who was addicted to deli meats. He just couldn't quit cold turkey.

Score: 9

What do you call a singer who sells meat? A Deli.

Score: 8

I got addicted to eating deli meat right out of the refrigerator... But I decided to quit cold turkey.

Score: 8

The word is: perpetuate The question is: How do they charge you at a vietnamese deli?

Score: 8

What did Adele name her sandwich shop? A deli

Score: 6

TIFU by giving someone the wrong sandwich at a deli Whoops, wrong sub

Score: 6

This happened at the Deli counter today...real life joke Me (at the deli counter): I'd like some salami please, about a pound, sliced thin?

DeliGirl: Genoa salami?

Me: Yeah, I know a couple.

Score: 6

Everyone mourns our fallen heroes... But I'm the only one who cried when I dropped my deli sandwich

Score: 5

What did the surrealist butcher name his shop? Salvador Deli

Score: 5

I've been dating this lady who is gluten free... Problem is, we go to a deli, she asks, "do you want to split a sandwich." I say, "sure" and then I'm just left with the bread.

Score: 5

A man went to rehab for being addicted to deli meats He stopped cold turkey

Score: 5

Why does the royal family hate deli meats? Because they’re in bread

Score: 5

What do you call a religious animal that loves sandwiches? The Deli Llama.

Score: 5

People in India must really enjoy sandwiches. I heard there were almost 250,000 people in a new deli.

Score: 4

Trump got a sandwich named after him at his favorite deli. Commander in Cheese Meltdown.

They put it on the kid's menu.

Score: 4

I heard a joke about sandwiches [DELI-ted]

Score: 4

A deli's competitor falsely accused them of using expired cream cheese on their bagels. It was all just a schmear campaign.

Score: 4

Did you hear about the shop that just opened in India that sells fresh meat and cheese? It's a new deli.

Score: 4

What did the DJ order from the deli? A club sandwich with extra beets.

Score: 3

A friend of mine is so politically correct.... At the deli he is afraid to ask for " white American " cheese.

Score: 3

If a woman ever pulls a knife out on you during an argument.... ....pull out some bread, deli meat and cheese. Her instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich.

Score: 3

Did you guys here about the opening of a new retail establishment that sells a selection of fine, unusual or foreign prepared food in the capital in India? Or as I like to call it, a new deli in New Delhi

Score: 2

My friend told me he had an addiction to refridgerated deli meats I told him he needs to quit cold turkey

Score: 0

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