Today I witnessed an amputee being hanged.
I tried to save him, but yelled out all the wrong letters.
(H/T Demetri Martin)
I saw a sign that said, watch for children. I thought to myself... Thats a fair trade. - Demetri Martin.
A guy waved at me and ran over the other day...
He said "oh sorry I thought you were someone else!"
I said, "I am"
-Demetri Martin
What did the sign for the strip club say during the day?
Sorry, we're clothed
Taken from Demetri Martin
I’m a man of my word
And that word is “unreliable”
-Demetri Martin
My friend asked me to put him into one of my jokes
i said "Sure how about this one?"
[credit to Demetri Martin]
[demetri martin] A drunk driver is very dangerous. Everybody knows that. But so is a drunk backseat driver
if he's persuasive.
"Go left."
-"Dude those are trees."
"trust me."
If I had a bookstore
I'd make the mystery section really hard to find
(Credits: Demetri Martin)
My friend is a big fan of similes. He's like...
...annoying.
Credit to Demetri Martin.