Jimmy Carr Jokes

why would you be a suicide bomber... And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven... When you could become a catholic preist and have them now!

Source: Jimmy Carr

My son got kicked out of school for letting a girl jerk him off in class. That's three schools now. Maybe teaching isn't for him.

(Joke by Jimmy Carr)

Two Dragons walk into a bar Dragon 1: It's hot in here
Dragon 2: Shut your mouth

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(Jokes by Jimmy Carr)

I saw that show, "50 Things To Do Before You Die"... I would have thought the most obvious one was "shout for help"

~ *Jimmy Carr*

A police officer told me once: "We'll never forget 9/11". I said: "Of course you won't, it's your phone number!"

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\- Jimmy Carr

I was walking down the street with my wife... ... when I saw my mother-in-law being beaten up by six men.

My wife said, "Aren't you going to help?"

I said, "Six should be enough."

*(Copyright Les Dawson, as retold by Jimmy Carr on QI.)*

I said to my girlfriend, "Do you want to experiment with a role-play rape fantasy?" She said, "**NO!**"

I said, "*That's the spirit!*" —Jimmy Carr

What Africa Really needs If only Africa had more mosquito nets

Then every year we could save millions

Of mosquitos from dying needless from aids

\- Jimmy Carr

They say there’s safety in numbers try telling that to 6 million jews
-jimmy carr

man: "would you like to role play rape?" wide-eyed woman: "NO!"

man: *unzips* "that's the spirit."

~ a Jimmy Carr joke ~

I recently wrote a book about poltergeists.... They're flying off the shelves!!!

(Credit goes to jimmy Carr on that one)

I'll tell you what I know about dwarfs! Very Little


Courtesy of Jimmy Carr

I went to donate a kidney once.. I went in to donate a kidney once
but when I arrived at the hospital they asked me where I'd got it from

-Jimmy Carr

They say there's safety in numbers... Tell that to the 6 million Jews.

~ Jimmy Carr.

Two dragons walk into a bar, the first one says “it’s hot in here”... the other says, “shut your mouth”.



Credit to Jimmy Carr

I heard the government were going to give on the spot fines to bad drivers I thought that's a bit sexist.

Credit: Jimmy Carr

My ex wife's star sign was Cancer, quite ironic considering how she died... ...Eaten by a giant crab 🦀

Note: not my joke, not sure where I heard it

Edit: Jimmy Carr / Bo Burnham

I have no problems with buying tampons... I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present.

(Jimmy Carr)

Spaghetti is the term I believe... With women, their sexuality can be a mood thing, can't it?
Spaghetti is the term I believe.

**Straight until wet**

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(This is one of Jimmy Carr's jokes but I laughed a lot so I thought I'd share it.)

On my birthday my girlfriend decided to wake me up with an oral. Nearly suffocated.

Credit: Jimmy Carr

Does anyone know any good rape jokes? Jimmy Carr, "What do nine out of 10 people enjoy? / Gang rape.")

I saw an old woman on the news who's house was flooded She was standing there, knee deep in water, crying......and I thought that's not helping




Credit: Jimmy Carr

What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Philip? Killed in a tunnel.

(Credit to Jimmy Carr)

Adolf Hitler has been judged very harshly by history however.. he did kill Hitler.
NB: stolen from Jimmy Carr

Last time we had a white Christmas, I made snow angels... I skidded on the ice and took out three pedestrians.

(Stolen from Jimmy Carr)

My favourite two word joke. Dwarf

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Shortage



[By Jimmy Carr]

They say there is safety in numbers... ...Tell that to 6 million Jews.

-Jimmy Carr

it's difficult to date when you have OCD. Every time my girlfriend gets turned on, I turn her off again.I

(Jimmy Carr)

Jimmy Carr joke They are going to fine bad drivers $100. That`s so sexist,

Jimmy Carr was complaining that he had no mode of transport after a freak accident with a truck carrying dry fruits wrecked his Jaguar. It was Carr's Rant on a car to rent cause his current car was rent by a currant current

A woman with a clipboard stopped me on the street the other day She said, "can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"

I said "all right, but we won't get much done..."

(-Jimmy Carr)

Van Gogh started painting at 27, but had to give it up 10 years later... ...apparently his glasses kept falling off.


(OC: Jimmy Carr)

A lady with a clipboard stopped me on the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."

(Jimmy Carr)