Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller...
Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'
Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."
A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
What time is it?
A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,
"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
if i were a runway model... my signature move would be to get to the end of the runway, then pat my pockets and look puzzled like i forget something, so i would have a plausible excuse to turn around and walk right back where i had just come from
Not Tonight
Guy brings his wife a glass of water and two pills. She looks puzzled. "What's this?"
He says, "Oh, these are your aspirin, sweetheart."
She says, "I don't have a headache."
To which the husband replies, "AH HA!"
I said, "Did it hurt?"
She looked puzzled, so I continued. "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" She lifted her head slightly and whispered, "Please... call... an ambulance..."
That's when I looked up and realized she's actually fallen out of a window.
A guy runs into a bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and shouts, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!" Puzzled, the teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?” The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
Police are puzzled by the theft of the police station bathrooms. .. Detectives released a statement saying that "They have nothing to go on".
Kid asks his father what a drunk is
Father replies, "You see those two trees there? A drunk would say there are four."
The kid is puzzled. He says, "But Dad, there's only one tree"
A Roman walks into a bar... (Latin joke) A Roman walks into a bar and says "I'll have one martinus please." The bartender a little puzzled replies, "don't you mean one martini?" The Roman scoffs and says "oh please, if I wanted two I would have asked."
A lady went into the hairdressers in Ashington (NE England)...
The hairdresser asked her what she'd like done.
"I'd like a perm please."
Somewhat puzzled the hairdresser began "Mary had a little learm..."
Julius Caesar goes into a bar...
... and asks for a martinus. Puzzled, the bartender asks,
"Do you mean a martini?"
"No. Just one, please."
"Shoo ... shoo"
An Irish man is standing in the street, irractically waving his arms in the air shouting "shoo ...shoo".
A puzzled passerby asks him, "What are you doing, Paddy?"
"It keeps the dragons away", he replies.
"There are no dragons, Paddy".
"You're welcome!"
A wife confronts her husband while doing the laundry.
"Can you explain how this lipstick got on your collar?" she demands.
"No," he says, looking puzzled. "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."
Two chemists are hanging out at a bar after work... One gets up to go home and says "future copper". Puzzled, the other gazes back for a moment before the first clarifies, "Cu later"
Empty Glass
The barman says to Paddy, “Your glass is empty, fancy another one?”
Looking puzzled, Paddy says, “Why would I be needing two empty feckin’ glasses?”
I assassinated my friend...
I gave Miguel a cigar and lit the end. When it began to fizzle, he looked at me, puzzled.
"What brand of cigar does this?" he asked.
I answered, "Red Herring, of course."
And his chair exploded.
Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now.
Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?
Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**
Guy walks into a bar with a massive lizard on his shoulder
“What’s his name?” asks the bartender
“Tiny” says the guy
Seeing that the bartender looks puzzled, our guy clarifies: “Because he’s my newt”
I decided to order some Chinese. Still puzzled as to why they gave me food.
How do you call a puzzled amputee? Stumped.
Chemical formula for water
Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"!
The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"
Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"
I tried asking a hot girl out yesterday...
She said she had a boyfriend.
I said I had a math test.
Puzzled, she asked what I meant
I responded "I thought we were naming things to cheat on!"
"I'm going for a light lunch," says my coworker as she heads towards the breakroom. I look up, puzzled, and respond, "You can photosynthesize?!"
My grandfather was puzzled when I told him that I was surprised that he could still crush a walnut with his bare hands. I was just impressed that despite his age, he had no problem busting a nut.
Dracula walks into a bar
He orders a cup of hot water. The bartender is puzzled but obliges.
The Count then pulls out a used tampon and dips it into his hot cup of water. The bartender is shocked.
"What?" said Dracula. "I'm just making tea."
A man couldn’t figure out how to do his jigsaw He seemed quite puzzled
This morning I worked in the garden, pulling out the weeds. I put them out the front in a box with a sign, “Free weeds.” No one took them. I was puzzled ‘cause last week, my neighbour had a sign for “Free weed” and everyone came, even some cops.