If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him... ...with my bear hands...
On a cold winter's morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer is really screwed up now.”
The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day.
Wife: “Windows frozen.”
Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.”
Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”
Did you know what 6.9 is? its a good thing screwed up by a period
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery.. I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
If I ever find the surgeon who screwed up my transplant I'll kill him... With my bear hands
Know what a 6.9 is? Another good thing screwed up by a period.
Do you know what 6.9 is? A good thing screwed up by a period.
I screwed up paving my private road It's my own dumb asphalt.
6.9 it’s a good thing screwed up by a period
What's a 6.9? Another good thing screwed up by a period.
I screwed up when I paved my private road... I guess it's my own dumb asphalt.
What's 6.9? A good thing screwed up by a period
First attempt at cooking for my Italian girlfriend, she's due here any minute, and I think I royally screwed up the meal. Need help urgently! Thyme is a factor.
What do pancakes and kids have in common? The first one usually gets screwed up.
What's the difference is between a lobster with breast implants and a filthy bus depot?
One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus-station!
*edited because I screwed up my original punchline...
I was having the worst possible day. To cap it off my baker screwed up the topping of my birthday dessert! It was the icing on the cake.
An obgyn was fired from his job
So decided to become a comedian, but he failed at that as well.
I guess he just always screwed up the delivery...
How does Harry Potter get down a hill?
By walking, J. K. Rowling!
EDIT:I screwed up lol
If I had a penny...
...for every time people screwed up their punchline.
I'd be one penny richer now.
Why did the family not laugh at the Obstetrician's joke? ... Because he screwed up the delivery...
I had to fire the guy who installed dry wall in my house. He screwed up the ceiling.
(Repost because I screwed up) You know how Muslims can't eat pork?
I mean if I couldn't eat bacon, I would want to fly a plane into a building.
(Yeah this joke bombed)
I got so screwed up last night... ...I called in sick...three times.
I screwed up the scene in the movie where I walked through an incredibly light rain. It was a mist take.
Did you hear what happened when a Rabbi screwed up a Bris ceremony? He apparently got the sack.
I can't stand wood jokes... They're so screwed up
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy He's pretty ham-fisted
If I had a dollar for every time the Trump Administration screwed up... I could afford healthcare without the ACA.
Did you hear about the guy who had the wrong leg amputated?
Because the surgeon screwed up - he ended up losing both legs!
But he lost in court. The judge told him he didn't have a leg to stand on.
This election is so screwed up that Megyn Kelly seems reasonable. This election is so screwed up that Megyn Kelly seems reasonable.
If I had a penny for every time Trump screwed up in some way I could give someone a small loan of a million dollars
Calculus and driving doesn't mix.
Edit: Realized I screwed up the title. Meant to be: Calculus and Alcohol doesn't mix.
Don't drink and derive.