Hilarious Judge Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Judge Jokes

A man is on trial for cannibalism A man is on trial for cannibalism.
He says to the judge,

"Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man."

Score: 15365

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection. The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

Score: 14598

The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.

Score: 13282

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight" The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

Score: 9598

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her "First offender?"
She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

Score: 9020

“Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!” Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!

Score: 6521

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women." The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."

Score: 5747

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand? MARIO:

JUDGE: It’s a fine.

MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.

Score: 4544

Score: 2783

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

Score: 2223

My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid. But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

Score: 2064

Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong... I don't judge. Whatever floats your goat.

Score: 1439

As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five. But he left me hanging.

Score: 1147

Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus! Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!

Score: 1022

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy. The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”

Score: 896

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?” Man: “I had to get to work.”
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”
Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

Score: 884

The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him. Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

Score: 873

It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, "Order!!" So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

Score: 710

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?" She replied: "No, first a Gibson, and then a Fender."

Score: 612

The doctor gave me 5 month to live. So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.

And the judge gave me 25 years.

Problem solved.

Score: 513

The doctor gave me 6 months to live. So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

Score: 491

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.

Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

Score: 373

Just had the following conversation in court Judge: State your name.

Me: Not Guilty

Judge: What?

Me: I had it legally changed.

Judge: You’re Not Guilty?

Me: Thanks, I’m outta here

Score: 350

My doctor said I only have 2 months to live... So I shot him.

The judge gave me 30years.

Score: 347

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, " and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week. ". "That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself. "

Score: 316

I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him. Judge gave me 30 years.

So I mean who's the real winner here?

Score: 314

My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her And according to the judge, she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend

Score: 299

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?" Woman responds, "No, Your Honor. First a Gibson, then a Fender."

I just heard this one, so sorry if it's a repeat.

Score: 281

A woman is on trial... ...for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

The judge asks, "First offender?"

The lady replies, "No your honor. First a Gibson then a Fender."

Edit: Grammar.

Score: 279

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge: “First offender?”

Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”

Score: 248

My doctor said I have 2 weeks to live... So I shot him. Problem solved, the judge gave me 20 years.

Score: 221

At the spelling bee Judge: Your word is "there."

Me: In a sentence please.

Judge: They're parking their car over there.

Score: 191

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?” Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

Score: 144

A cannibal in a courtroom Representing himself, the cannibal was asked by the judge if he had anything to say.

"If the quote "You are what you eat" is true then I am an innocent man."

Score: 137

Judge going through the file of an accused Judge: So what's your Name?
Accused: Mr. Fallchurges, your Honor. First name is Freo.
Judge: So you're Freo Fallchurges.
Accused: *standing up* Thank you, Your Honor.
Attorney: Heck, we almost got him this time

Score: 104

The doctor gave me 6 months to live. So I killed him The Judge gave me 80 years. Problem solved.

Score: 90

"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes." After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!”

Score: 71

I was given 2 months to live I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live.

So I shot him.

Judge gave me 30 years.

Score: 61

Attorney: My client is trapped in a penny Judge: What?

Attorney: He's in a cent.

Score: 57

What did the judge put in his drink? Just ice

Score: 53

New Judge Jokes

Don't judge a man by the way he walks That's gaitkeeping.

Score: 3

A judge was trying a man on the charge of shoplifting shirts and pants by wearing them out of the store. The judge saw the evidence and declared, "Guilty! Case Clothed!"

Score: 2

A Man was on trial for cannibalism Judge:How do you plead

Man:your honor if the phrase you are what you eat applies then I am an innocent man

Score: 8

Do you want to hear a joke about wooden hammers? You be the judge.

Score: 2

It's disgusting to judge someone just by their looks. Let's just say I didn't win at the model competition.

Score: 3

There is a jiu jitsu competition to see who can break the largest board with their fist. The judge asks all competitors to stand behind the first contestant, but no one listens. There is no punch line.

Score: 2

The judge was getting increasingly frustrated by the jury of 1st graders... They kept requesting a recess.

Score: 2

Woman gets sentenced 10 days in jail for stealing bag of apple Judge: you’ll serve one day for each apple in the bag you stole

Husband: *jumps out of his seat* and tells the judge she also stole a bag of rice

Score: 2

The spouse asked the lawyer 'when are you going to become a judge' ? The lawyer replied: 'After 8 PM'.

Score: 2

What did the judge say when the skunk walked into court? Odor in the court!

Score: 3

A man is begging a judge to let him off jury duty because of his job. “I’m sure your company can get along fine without you for a few days,” the judge tells the man.

“I know,” the man answers. “But that’s what I’m trying to prevent them from figuring out.”

Score: 29

The attorney filed a motion for a new trial. The judge barked angrily "On what grounds!?" "Your honor," the lawyer explained, "my client has discovered some money that I didn't know he had."

Score: 8

At first I thought less of Gordon Ramsay based on his wife... but you can't judge a cook by its lover.

Score: 5

A suspected cannibal stood in front of a judge and was asked to give his final statement, to which he replied: "If you are what you eat, then I am an innocent man".

Score: 7

My friends and I started a band and called it 'Books' so.. No one can judge us by our covers.

Score: 29

“My grandfather knew the exact time of the exact day of the exact year that he would die.” “Wow, what an evolved soul! How did it come to him?”

“The judge told him.”

Score: 2

Judge: "You have been found unanimously guilty of using clickbait, and I sentence you to death by electric chair." What happens next will shock you.

Score: 33

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’

She says, ‘No, first a Gibson!’

Score: 3

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his golf clubs. The judge looks down at her and asks, "How many times did you hit him?"

The woman replies, "Eh, five..? Six..? Put me down for a five."

Score: 6

You shouldn't judge a book by its cover... Unless it's a book about making good first impressions.

Score: 4

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?"

She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”

Score: 12

The doctor told me I had 3 months to live I shot him.

The judge gave me 50 years.

Problem solved.

Score: 4

Judge tells Taylor Swift to turn the other cheek It didn't sit well with her.

Score: 3

What did the lawyer call the sleepy judge? Yawner.

Score: 3

Birthday The Judge asks the defendant, “When is your birthday Mr McKenzie?“
-
“February 20th, Your Honor.”
-
“And what year?”
-
“Every year, Your Honor"

Score: 5

Just like people, I never judge a book by its cover... Unless that cover is brown. In which case I roll up my windows and lock my car doors.

Score: 3

Life Span Doctor told me i have a bad ilness and he gave me 2 weeks to live, i shot him...... judge gave me 25 years

Score: 7

The Judge: "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you again." The Criminal: "That's what I told the cop, but he wouldn't listen!"

Score: 2

A judge was fired for gross incompetence He was having trouble putting sentences together

Score: 5

A slug was assaulted by a snail... ...and the snail was arrested and brought to trial.

At the trial the judge said, "OK, slug, tell the court what happened."

The slug said, "I don't know, your honor...everything happened so fast."

Score: 5

Madam, your son just called me ugly! The mother apologizes shamefacedly, "I'm so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it is wrong to judge people just from how they look..."

Score: 5

If I kill someone durng a spelling bee contest... can the judge use that in a sentence?

Score: 5

Did you hear about the guy who was held legally liable for clogging his friend's toilet? The judge determined that he failed to exercise "doo diligence"

Score: 2

I spend more time at the whorehouse than I do at home. Don't judge me, it pays the bills.

Score: 4

Judge: I'm sentencing you to an evening of grocery shopping. Don't forget the coffee. Husband: You don't have grounds for that.

Score: 2

My Client is trapped inside a penny. Judge says,"What?"

Laywer,"He's in a cent."

Score: 4

Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny Judge: What?

Lawyer: He's in a cent

Judge: You're going to jail with him

^^^^Totally ^^^^my ^^^^own ^^^^work ^^^^and ^^^^not ^^^^a ^^^^repost ^^^^by ^^^^any ^^^^mean

Score: 32

Lawyer: "My client is trapped inside a penny." Judge: "I beg your pardon?"

Lawyer: "He's in a cent."

Score: 10

Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny. Judge: What?

Lawyer: He's in a cent!

Score: 10

My doctor told me I had 10 hours to live... So I killed him and the judge gave me 30 years instead.

Score: 45

Alimony "Mr. johns, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Score: 2

A woman was arrested for killing her husband with a guitar. When brought before the judge he asked her "first offender?" And she replied "no first was a Gibson THEN the Fender. "

Score: 3

I had the court appearance for my encounter with the grammar police today... The judge gave me a run on sentence!

Score: 3

I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"

Score: 4

Did you hear about the guy who had the wrong leg amputated? Because the surgeon screwed up - he ended up losing both legs!

But he lost in court. The judge told him he didn't have a leg to stand on.

Score: 2

The doctor said I had 3 months to live. So I killed the doctor so the judge could give me 30 years.

Score: 24

Guitar joke A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

Score: 48

In Soviet Russia, a Judge bursts into his chambers laughing *"I've just heard the funniest joke about Stalin... ever!"*

*"Well, go ahead and tell us."*, the other Judges ask.

*"I can't. I just gave someone a life sentence for it."*

Score: 7

*A man is trying to prove his innocence in court* Defendant: "Please your honour, I don't have a single bad bone in my body"

Prosecutor: "Well according to your medical exam it appears you have osteoporosis"

Judge: "Guilty"

Score: 5

I judge Usain Bolt based on his race All of his races, actually.

Score: 3

Some people think that killing animals with helium is wrong... I don’t judge…

Whatever floats your goat.

Score: 42

My doctor told me I only have two months left to live so I shot him, judge gave me 30 years.

Score: 28

A joke I just blatantly stole from Judge John Deed. "Do you want a dog?"

"I'm sorry, I don't think I have the time to care for him."

"Well, could you try? My daughter just dumped him on me and I don't have the space!"

"House-trained?"

"I should hope so, she's twenty-one."

Score: 1

The judge told me I might get capital punishment for my crimes, and asked me if I knew what it meant.. I didn't, so I told him to use it in a sentence.

Score: 12

I recently received a certificate for the breast stroke. Although the Judge called it a restraining order.

Score: 25

I'm really confused by the fact people judge me for refusing to pay for Netflix... I mean, I've seen Stranger Things.

Score: 4

A redneck is standing trial in front of a jury of English majors.... Judge says: "How do you plead?"

The man replies: "I didn't do nothin'!"

Jury walks out. Case closed.

Score: 1

What did russian judge say to the jury? I better stop Stalin for time and Putin a little more effort.

Score: 2

Judge threw out a lawsuit against Starbucks said the Plaintiff had no grounds.

Score: 28

Mickey Mouse goes to divorce court to divorce Minnie... The Judge says "so you want to Divorce your wife because she's crazy?"
Mickey replies "No, what I said was She's F&#@ing Goofy."

Score: 3