Hilarious Age Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Age Jokes

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans... I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

Score: 16129

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other. Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

Score: 10039

Score: 9586

A German got pulled over by the police in France *Police officer:* "Name?"

*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"

*Police officer:* "Age?"

*German:* "31"

*Police officer:* "occupation?"

*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"

Score: 9467

A 60 years old billionaire came to the bar with his gorgeous 25 years old wife. Friend : How did you marry her?

Billionaire : I lied about my age.

Friend : You said 45?

Billionaire : No, I said 90.

Score: 6707

Mom, I'm dating a man. \-Whom, sweetheart?

\-Dante the mailman.

Dante the mailman? But he could be your father!

But mom, age is just a number.

Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.

Score: 3834

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34 They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools

Score: 2703

TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Score: 2564

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s. Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

Score: 2439

My 7-year-old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans.... I pulled out my cellphone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

Score: 2381

A German was going to a trip in France... He reached passport control and the officer asked:

"Name?"

"Hans Kleiner"

"Age?"

"31"

"Occupation?"

"No no, just visiting"

Score: 2347

My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body. I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.

Score: 2258

I lied about my age A 60 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!

Friend: "How did she marry you?"

Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"

Friend: "You said 45?"

Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"

Score: 2184

My girlfriend told me that she wanted to be treated like a princess... So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France

Score: 1914

Daughter: Mom, I have a new boyfriend, our neighbor Joe. Mom: But he could be your father! Daughter: Age is not that important to me.

Mom: That’s not what I was talking about.

Score: 1830

Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight. Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.

Score: 1722

Mom I got a boyfriend! Daughter: Mom I got a new boyfriend, our neighbour Joe.

Mom: But he could be your father!

Daughter: Age is not that important to me.

Mom: That's not what I was talking about...

Score: 1445

What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar? "The girls get older, but he stays the same age"

-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)

Score: 1154

My girlfriend told me she wanted to be treated like a princess So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France.

Score: 611

The first joke I made up at age 7 - found in my first grade journal Q: Where do robbers go to the bathroom

A: Arrest-room

Score: 605

I don't see why in this day and age there aren't marches against fat shaming Because marches would definitely solve the problem.

Score: 580

The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old I'm finally above average for something

Score: 499

I'm 27, my BF is 37. Is 10 years too much of an age gap? 'cause his son is 17 and really hot.

Score: 452

An average person loses virginity at the age of 17 I always knew I was above average

Score: 424

I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.

Score: 366

A black man asks a white man where the colored printer is. The white man smiles and says, "My friend, in this day and age, you can use any printer."

Score: 343

What walks on eight legs until the age of one, four legs until the age of twenty, and two legs after? The Weasley twins

Score: 316

10, 27, 28, 30, 32 walk into a bar... 10 says "I'm drinking age, I swear!" The bartender says "Outlier!"

Score: 308

The Cleveland Browns team visited an orphanage today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6.

Score: 305

The first joke I invented all on my own (age ~5-6) Why don't pirates like playing cards?

There's always someone walking across the deck.

Score: 289

My dad is never proud of anything I do. Dad: Son, how old are you?

Son: 19.

Dad: When I was your age, I was 20.

Score: 264

My whole life before age 12 was a blur. That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.

Score: 226

A 60 year old Billionaire goes to the bar... ...with his gorgeous 25 year old wife!

The bartender asks him "how did she marry you?"

The billionaire replies " I lied about my age!"

Bartender: " You said 45?"

Billionaire: "No! I said 90!"

Score: 223

CIA finally succeeded in killing Fidel Castro Using the innovative 'Old age' technique

Score: 219

I was flirting with this teenager on the internet... ...after a while, she tells me she's an undercover cop.

How cool is that for someone her age?

Score: 145

Two old guys are sitting in a park and talking The first guy says: "You know, I went to a brothel the other day"

"Oh yeah? And what happened?"

"I banged for two hours!"

"Two hours?! At your age?!"

"Yeah, and those whores still wouldn't let me in"

Score: 81

The England team visited an orphanage in Brazil today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6.

Score: 51

A german man goes to Poland. Crossing the border, the guard asks reviews his documents. Pole: Name?

German: Hans Guttermark

Pole: Age?

German: Neunundzwanzig.

Pole: Occupation?

German: *smiles* Nein, just visiting!

Score: 44

Son: For $20, I’ll be good. Dad: Oh, yeah? When I was your age, I was good for nothing.

Score: 36

My 9-year-old nephew showed me with pride the "Telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans.... I pulled out my cellphone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in japan !"

Score: 32

New Age Jokes

Why do middle age men like golf They're good at finishing in few strokes

Score: 5

What’s the difference between cheese and girls? Cheese becomes better with age

Score: 4

So I was banging this german chick the other day.. Not sure why she kept screaming her age the whole time.

Score: 6

At my age now, people say facebook is a great way to connect with old friends Well at my age if i wanted to connect with old friends i would need a Ouija board.

Score: 5

Did you hear about the ecoterrorist who tried to start another ice age to combat climate change? They charged him with crimes against humidity.

Score: 3

My viginity is like my father It was gone by the age of 10

Score: 3

How does a whale get around town? The Mono-whale!

(Written by yours truly at age ten)

Score: 3

My toddler has now reached the age where she has cute nicknames for me and my wife. Now we’re “mama” and “AUGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”

Score: 10

A mom caught her son jacking in the garage... ...she said to him, "Look son, I know you are at the age where you are curious and want to experiment with these kinds of things.... but please stop trying to remove the wheels of the car!"

Score: 24

The Cleveland Browns visited an orphanage last week after their loss. "It was so sad to see all the pain and hurt in their eyes." Said Katie, age 7.

Score: 5

Between the Stone Age and the Bronze Age, there was The Copper Age... Back then, people really knew how to conduct themselves...

Score: 10

I used to go to bars to pick up girls in the 90s... ...then I thought I should aim closer to my age

Score: 5

When my grandfather reached the age of 65 he started running a mile a day to keep fit... He's 70 now and we have no idea where he is!

Score: 3

Son, when I was your age there was no social media............... . .......You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.

Score: 10

My dad had a strict rule where I couldn't go on dates if my age was on the clock... I can't wait to be 61.

Score: 7

I always feel better when my doctor says I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

Score: 5

My friend told he was always chasing girls in the 90’s... Nowadays he dates women that are closer to his own age.

Score: 9

A gorilla dies of old age at the zoo. His name wasn't Harambe.

Score: 4

The age old question So a chicken and an egg are lying in bed, and the egg is smoking a cigarette. So the chicken turns to the egg and says, "well I guess that answers that question."

Score: 2

At the age of 65 my grandma started walking 5 miles a day. She's 92 now. We have no idea where she is.

Score: 8

How can you live forever? Live for at least 100 years. Statistics show that very few people die over the age of 100.

Score: 14

My taste in women is much like my taste in wine Right now i like them younger, sweeter, and prettier. As i age, i start to like them older, more bitter, and contributing to my alcoholism.

Score: 28

Don't worry about old age. It doesn't last that long.

Score: 5

women about their age Few women admit their age; few men act it.

Score: 3

I take pride in the fact that in this day and age, I manage to keep myself in shape... ... Round is a shape, isn't it?

Score: 4

I went fishing and caught a bass, a catfish and a hammerfer. What's a hammerfer? Fer driving nails.

My 8year old friend thinks this is the greatest joke, I thought so too when I was his age.

Score: 10

Wanna see how dead you are? Put a % sign after your age.

Score: 9

I didn't vaccinate any of my kids and none of them got autism. None of them lived past the age of 2, but that's beside the point.

Score: 4

A recent study has shown patient mortality rates increase with the age of the doctor Next week I have a surgical consultation with a particularly clever-looking newborn.

Score: 7

At what age does the average 4chan user find out they're autistic? thREEEEEEEEE

Score: 30

They say you shrink when you get older. My grandma lost a foot in her old age, but I think that was more so due to the gangrene.

Score: 2

Le Pen honored an age old French tradition. Losing.

Score: 9

I hate when parents say their kids age in months It's annoyed me for about 36 months now

Score: 8

My German grandparents used to hide Jewish children in their basement. Turns out that gets you arrested in this day and age.

Score: 4

Saturated fats, unsaturated fats.. Even trans fats! It's quite the progressive age, my friends.

Score: 2

The age gap in my relationship is somewhat questionable. According to the police.

Score: 3

Mary Pennington, the oldest survivor of the Titanic, died this week at the age of 106. Sad in any case, but what really made it tragic is that she was only a quarter mile from shore.

Score: 7

A White, American, college age female walks into a starbucks... She doesn't order anything.

Score: 4

Where did fraudulent stone age people conduct business? The concave.

Score: 2

That building is so tall... that if you jumped from the roof, you would die of old age.

Score: 2

I was just diagnosed with tetanus Guess I'm gettimg rusty in my old age

Score: 3

Why are so many hotwheels based after Ford models? So kids get used to pushing them at a young age.

Score: 9

By my estimation, Mitch McConnell's true age is... ...350 turtle years.

Score: 2

My wife said I'm immature for my age. I told her, "GET OUT OF MY FORT!"

Score: 8

When asked how old he is, a friend of mine describes himself as being, "Not old enough to vote republican" Meanwhile, I would describe my friend as being, "An appropriate age to be dodging that question"

Score: 2

I met this 14 year old online, and she told me she is an undercover cop... How COOL is that for someone her age?

Score: 4

Dad: When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked miles to school, uphill, in the snow, every day. Son: Yeah?! Well when Abraham Lincoln was your age, Dad, he was president!

Score: 4

From a very early age, I used to feel like a guy trapped in a woman's body... ...then I was born.

Score: 22

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their age.

Score: 5

It's really hard being a good mother in this day and age. Especially when you're a college aged male with no kids.

Score: 2

Memory is the second thing we lose as we age I forgot what the first one is

Score: 3

Even at my age, I can still turn a lot of heads. It's mostly to see where the smell is coming from though.

Score: 20

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old So you have to be 21 years old to drink, and 8 to summon the devil

Score: 2

When I was your age, my mom sent me to the store with a quarter and I came back with a loaf of bread, a bottle of milk, and a newspaper. But you can't do that anymore because there's too many surveillance cameras.

Score: 17

My toddler tried out and age aproporiate pickup line "Hey baby, you've got some fiiiiiiine motor skills."

Score: 11

Warning potential Avengers Age of Ultron Spoilers. What is Captain America's shield made out of? -Vibranium

-What's Hawkeye's shield made out of?

-Quicksilver

Score: 3

[Marvel Avengers Age of Ultron Spoilers] If Captain Americas shield is made of Vibranium what is Hawkeye's shield made of? Quicksilver

Score: 5

Why did Bruce Jenner wait until age 65 to become a woman? He wanted to avoid menopause.

Score: 3

What's Matthew Mcconaghuey's favorite thing about time dilation? Everyone else keeps getting older, he stays the same age.

Score: 4

What's the only thing in Australia that won't kill you? Old Age

Score: 29