Hilarious Beat Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Beat Jokes

Score: 18729

Malaysian Airlines and United should merge That way they can beat their passengers and no one will ever find out.

Score: 14388

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early? They like to beat the crowds.

Score: 13585

Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd.

Score: 3197

I don’t get why people say cancer is hard to beat I’m already on Stage 4

Score: 2874

I fought an erection this morning Beat it single handed.

Score: 1960

You know why Mayweather won't beat Pacquiao? Pacquiao isn't his wife.

Score: 1541

What's the difference between me and cancer My dad didn't beat cancer

Score: 1422

Why do riot police get to work early? To beat the crowd

Score: 1348

Why do police in Hong Kong go to work early? They like to beat the crowd

Score: 1202

Why does McGregor love springtime so much? Cause you just can't beat Mayweather.

Score: 987

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to beat the room for being black and one to arrest the bulb for being broke.

Score: 781

I got into a fight with my boner this morning: Don't worry, I beat it single handedly

Score: 656

I challenged my dad to a race to see who would die first. Sadly he beat me to death.

Score: 645

JOB OPPORTUNITY: Riot police officers needed. Interviews are being held tomorrow. Come early.... ....beat the crowd.

Score: 643

What does the sign of an out of business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.

Score: 592

If you can't beat them What's the point of having children?

Score: 522

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated... "Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

Score: 510

I beat a black belt at karate. My next challenger is a green sock.

Score: 477

I don't always beat my girlfriend, but when I do... it's to the door to open it for her.

Score: 464

My dad and I play hide and seek a lot to beat each other's record. My record is 2 hours until he found me. His record is 20 years and still counting.

Score: 451

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They don't change it. They just beat the room for being black.

Score: 448

I came here to make a United joke But it looks like I got beat

Score: 422

I saw a skinny guy getting brutally beat up by 5 huge guys! I'm not the hero type, but still decided to help out. It felt good being on the winning side for once.

Score: 415

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken. Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

Score: 351

What’s the difference between me and cancer My dad didn’t beat cancer

Score: 324

I only had one goal in life: to become a better dad than my dad was. My dad beat me

Score: 323

Had a fight with an erection today... I beat it single handedly.

Score: 287

I beat my wife and she immediately divorced me. Some people take Monopoly way too seriously.

Score: 287

How many LAPD officers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They shoot the room for being black and beat up the bulb for being broke.

Score: 278

"Name one person that could beat Captain America" Captain Vietnam

Score: 256

The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore... Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano

Score: 251

I made a dozen girls instantly wet yesterday because of my physique no one can beat me at doing a cannonball in the pool.

Score: 175

Michael Jackson should have opened a clothing line for pants. He could have called it Billie Jeans.

Those prices are THRILLER!
No one can BEAT IT!

Kids pants would be half off there.

Score: 149

A whale and a wave make a bet. (Just made this up.) The whale says to the wave, "I bet I could beat in a race to land." The wave agrees, so the whale takes off. He swims so fast, he drives himself ashore. The wave following behind him says " Hah! Beached ya!"

Score: 144

Why did the riot police like to leave for work early? To beat the crowd.

Score: 136

Why are gamers bad in bed? They are always trying to beat their best time.

Score: 129

I saw a kid being beat up by 4 adults and tried to help. Kid couldn't stand for long against 5 adults.

Score: 112

My dad used to beat me while playing chess... Because I'd always win.

Score: 99

What does the sign on an out of buisness brothel say? Beat it. We're closed

Score: 97

New Beat Jokes

What do you call a meeting between a pornstar and their fans? A beat and greet

Score: 8

A french fry covered in ketchup fell onto someone’s shoe Without missing a beat, he picked it up and ate it.

A girl saw it and was grossed out. She asked, “Why’d you eat that fry? It was on your shoe!”

He shrugged and said, “Shoe fry don’t bother me.”

Score: 8

I Wanted to Make the Dumbest Joke Ever... Too bad my parents already beat me to it.

Score: 10

You know who could beat captain America? Captain Vietnam

Score: 17

I was really thirsty so I reached for the Hawaiian Sun to drink Unfortunately, it was empty. Someone else had beat me to the punch.

Score: 6

Three men are talking about cars. The first man says, “I’m an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn.”

The second man says, “Well, I’m a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort.”

The third man says, “I have the both of you beat. I’m a proctologist, so I drive a brown probe.”

Score: 6

Chris Brown has come out as transgender. Well if you cant beat em join em.

Score: 13

I was walking down the street the other day and I saw 4 guys ganging up on a little kid I walked right on past because I figured reposting would be a bigger crime than helping beat the kid up.

Score: 7

What's the difference between having AIDS and having kids? Everyone considers you a hero if you beat AIDS.

Score: 34

Who can beat Captain America? Captain Vietnam.

Score: 79

After all these years, I finally left my abusive relationship. I feel so relieved! Now that I don't have to beat my girlfriend anymore, I have so much free time.

Score: 36

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? Trick question.

They just beat the room for being black.

Score: 13

Which superhero can beat Captain America? Captain Vietnam

Score: 23

Why did the Spanish police wake up and arrive early? So they could beat the crowd

Score: 10

At first I thought my son was break dancing, so I started beat boxing around him. Turns out he's epileptic.

Score: 19

What's the best thing to beat a dead horse with? A coconut.

Score: 10

I told my dad the strip club had the best steaks in town. He told me what their slogan should be. You can't beat the meat here.

Score: 59

To people struggling with self harm Don't beat yourself up over it

Score: 7

When I was really young my mom would try to beat me with a hanger. Then I was born.

Score: 9

My dad used to beat me with his belt while he was still wearing it.

Score: 75

How many LAPD officers does it take to change a lightbulb? Who knows? They just beat the room for being black.

Score: 8

Why do cops love going to Black Friday early? So they can beat the crowd

Score: 31

How many police officers does it take to replace a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room for being black.

Score: 26

Why do riot police always go to work early? To beat the crowd.

Score: 85

My father told me that whenever I find myself having trouble with my partner I should stop and listen to my heart. My heart says, "BEAT BEAT BEAT!"

^^^For ^^^real ^^^though, ^^^don't ^^^beat ^^^your ^^^lovers.

Score: 6

What do you say to someone who has never seen Fight Club? Don't beat yourself up about it.

Score: 9

What's the difference between Hulk Hogan and paper? The Rock beat hulk hogan.

Score: 6

My wife beat me up and stole my glasses I'm beginning to see her in a totally different way

Score: 5

Why shouldn't you argue with an idiot? Cause they'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Score: 6

A guy goes to a whorehouse, only to see it's closed. The sign on the front door said "Beat it! We're closed!"

Score: 15

There is only one person that can beat Captain America Captain Vietnam

Score: 9

Why did the riot cop leave for work early? Because he had to beat the crowds.

Score: 28

A guy threw an egg at me earlier so I beat him to death... I probably ovary-acted.

Score: 8

Why did the doctor feel beat after flying United? He had a severe case of jet drag.

Score: 23

I was about to buy cheap tickets on United Airlines, But someone beat me to it

Score: 5

There is no reason to beat a dead horse Unless it is flying United.

Score: 88

Why do you fly United early in the morning? To beat the crowd.

Score: 87

4/5 doctors recommend united airlines You can't beat that!

Score: 31

UA at it again If you can't beat them, join them.

-English saying

If you can't join them, beat them.

-United Airlines over booking policy

Score: 14

I was going to make a joke about the united airlines... But someone already beat me to the punch.

Score: 8

There was a race to see what company's planes flew fastest United Airlines beat everyone...

Score: 41

What did the resistor say to the capacitor after he beat him in a game? I ohmed you!

(my 10 year came up with this when I was teaching him soldering)

Score: 32

What the difference between my dad and a police officer? I don't need to be black for my dad to beat me.

Score: 10

My girlfriend told me to get our ginger kid ready for school. So I beat him up and stole his lunch money.

Score: 7

Why do riot police wake up early? To beat the crowd.

Score: 13

What do women and video games have in common? You have to beat them to get maximum enjoyment.

Score: 5

What did Bob Ross say to the prostitute? "Just beat the devil out of it"

Score: 5

Today I beat my addiction I'm addicted to my wife.

Score: 18

You cant expect an honest person to beat Usain Bolt... Only a cheetah can.

Score: 8

How do you introduce an exhausted red vegetable to a steak? "Beat beet, meet meat."

Score: 8

Why do the riot police like to go to Black Friday early? So they can beat the crowd

Score: 25

Why did the Police hurry over to the Black Lives Matter Riot? To beat the crowd!

Score: 6

I always wanted a skateboard. So one day I asked my mom for a skateboard. She said no as it was too expensive. So I came up with an idea to resolve my problem - I grabbed a plank of wood and some nails.

And beat her to death.

Score: 39

A man asks a bartender: "How late does the band play?" "Only about half a beat behind the drummer." The bartender replies.

Score: 66

Chris Brown dressed as Deadpool for Halloween and won a costume contest. The runner up was a girl dressed like Rihanna, but he beat her.

Score: 7

How are children like eggs? They both taste better after you beat them.

Score: 7

I got beat up at a black lives matter rally for complaining about my underwear These knickers where just making me so uncomfortable

Score: 16

What did the milk say after it got beat? ...It's butter this way

Score: 14

I went to shake the old man's hand But Parkinson's beat me to it

Score: 15

What do you get when you cross Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris? Beat up.

Score: 16