Hilarious Captain Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Captain Jokes

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When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

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In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

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Captain Kirk actually has 3 ears. The first is the left ear, the second is the right ear, and then there's the final frontier.

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William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his ladies underwear line... In hindsight "Shatner Panties" wasn't a good choice of name in the first place.

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My 8 year old told me a really clever joke for once. What do you get when you cross Captain America and the Hulk?

A Star-Spangled Banner.

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Why didn't Captain Nemo get any Christmas presents? Because he was on the Nautilus...

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Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock -Who's there?

-The plane captain.

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“Stewardess” “Yes, Sir?”

“I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can’t see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can’t sleep.”

“Captain, shut up and land the plane.”

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When I was in the army, I broke my rifle and had to pay 600$. I guess that’s why the captain always goes down with the ship.

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I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.

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Camouflage training at the military Captain: I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT THE CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING TODAY JOHNSON!!

Johnson: Thank you sir!

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"Name one person that could beat Captain America" Captain Vietnam

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When I lost my pistol, the Army charged me $125. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

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How many ears does Captain Kirk have? 3.

His left ear.

His right ear.

And the final frontier.

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What did they find in the toilet in the star ship Enterprise? The captain's log.

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What do you get when you dress the Hulk in Captain America's clothes? A Star-Spangled Banner.

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TIL that in 1940 a German U-Boat captain found himself aboard a British vessel. Whoops, wrong sub.

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What do you call Hulk dressed up as Captain America? Star-Spangled Banner

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Pirate: The cannons be ready, captain. Captain: Are.

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It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean... It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

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how many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three, the right ear, the left ear and the final frontier

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"This is your Captain speaking..." "...if you look out of your window you will see a small yellow life raft floating in the sea. I am talking to you from there."

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England soccer team have got a new captain today His names George Smith and he'll be flying the A380 back to Heathrow..

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A pirate captain asks his first mate "Find out what be the Roman numeral for the two" "Aye aye! " responds the first mate

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A captain was flying over a mental hospital... ...when suddenly he started laughing vigorously.

"What's so funny?" Asked the co-pilot.

The captain answered: "I'm just imagining their faces when they realize I'm not there anymore"

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I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag. Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery

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In the next Marvel movie I hear that Ironman, Captain America and the others will team up to battle Comcast . It is called Avengers Xfinity Wars!

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Who can beat Captain America? Captain Vietnam.

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I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

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A ship is sailing through the sea... passing by a small island and watches a man screaming and shouting.

A passenger asks the captain:

- Who is he?

- We don't know, he gets crazy every year we pass here.

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The Pirates' conversation… Pirate: The cannons be ready, Captain…

Captain: ARE!!!

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How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three. His left ear, his right ear, and his final front-ear.

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Which superhero can beat Captain America? Captain Vietnam

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Right before colliding with an iceberg... The captain of the Titanic got ready to make an announcement:
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Fun fact, this ship weighs about 52 thousand kilograms. I'm gonna let that sink in..."

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How does the siren like her Captain Morgan? On the rocks...

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You know who could beat captain America? Captain Vietnam

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When I lost my rifle.. the Army charged me $85. That is why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship!

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I met an old Air Force guy. I met an old Air Force guy. He said the first time he was gonna jump out of a plane he was scared. He said the Captain told him to jump, or he'd stick his d**k where the "sun don't shine". I go, "Did you jump?" He said, "A little."

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TIL the Titanic was scheduled to have an evacuation drill the same day it sank but was canceled by the captain. Now let that sink in.

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New Captain Jokes

What did the shark say to the boat captain? "Uber eats?"

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What captain picks his nose with his fist? Captain Picard

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After realising they only had one piece of fruit left, a starving crew rioted against their captain. It was the last strawberry.

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What’s the difference between a bowl of cereal and a Truth Tquatics dive boat? One has a captain that will meet you for breakfast.

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Captain America took all the deaths in Infinity War quite hard. That's why you see him beat himself up in Endgame.

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What do you get when you cross the Incredible Hulk and Captain America? The Star-Spangled Banner.





Credit to Sean P. His joke was in the February 2019 issue of *Boys Life* magazine.

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What do you call the Hulk when he picks up Captain America's shield? The Star Spangled Banner

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[Spoilers] Captain America could always Lift mjolnir, he just didn’t want to steal Thor’s thunder.

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(From My Nephew) What is Captain Picard's favorite realty show? Keeping up with the Cardassians....

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I just saw 'Captain Marvel'. I like how there were lots of subtle 1990's references. Like how they made the cat with CGI from the 1990's.

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What drink does Captain America order at Starbucks? An iced americano

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What did their crew told to Colombus, when he finally arrived to Indias? Captain! America.

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It is very hard for me to get in touch with my dealer ship... Maybe that old sea captain isn't the best person to buy weed from.

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Once a ship got stuck in the ocean. A sailor comes to the captain and asks:

-Captain, do you know where are we heading?

-Off course, my boy!

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Black Panther Was Shivering *Somewhere in the Antarctic*

Captain America: "You look really cold T'Challa, do you need a jacket?"

Black Panther: "I never Fleece"

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The captain of a very famous ship turns to his passangers and says: people I have some good and some bad news; which do you want first? They shout: the good! Well, the movie that will be filmed about us will win 10 oscars!

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I can't remember if I bought a can of Coke or a bottle of Captain Morgan.. I always get them mixed up.

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Captain Picard meets Jethro Tull, the inventor (not the band) and says "Make it sew, number one"

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Why is Picard the best possible captain for the Enterprise ? You can be sure he will baldly go where no man has gone before.

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Did you hear that the new captain of the Enterprise is a magician? His name is Jean-Luc Pick-a-card

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Why did Peter Pan know he could beat Captain Hook in poker? Peter knew Captain Hook had lost at least one hand.

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What do you call a music-loving captain of a ship? A sea major

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What happens when William Shatner goes to the bathroom He drops a captain's log

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Captain America's shield is made of Vibranium. What is Hawkeye's shield made of? Quicksilver.

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What did Picard leave in the bathroom? The Captain's Log!

What you call the counsellor, Worf, and Riker in a hottub?
Menage a Troi!

Why did Lor get lost?
Bad Data!

Why did Locutus leave Data's concert?
It was borging.

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What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? A little coke brings Captain Morgan to life.

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In the army, I lost my rifle and they charged me 85$ That's why in the navy, a captain goes down with his ship.

credits u/koshenYT

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Who can defeat Captain America? Captain Vietnam

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How many ears does captain Kirk have? Three. left, right and a final front ear.

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How did Captain Hook die on the Toilet? He wiped with the wrong Hand.

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Why was the Pirate Captain not a virgin? Because he already had a first mate.

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I saw two movies this weekend. One was about a crazy person who fought crime in their underwear, and the other was Captain Underpants.

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what do you call a weeaboo pirate captain neckbeard

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Which Marvel character can beat Captain America? Captain Vietnam.

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I had a phobia of icebergs, so my psychiatrist said to try taking my phobia head on. As Captain of the Titanic, there might've been some misinterpretation going on there...

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What kind of card does a sea captain get when they are in the hospital? Get whale soon!

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Who would beat Captain America in a fight? Captain Vietnam

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Captain Picard makes his own outfits. One day his sewing machine broke down so he took it to a repair shop and said...

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A man runs into an old salty sea captain on the docks of Boston harbor and says, "Cap'm, can't help but noticin'...you got a steerin' wheel secures to yer crotch there." Sea captain removes the pipe from 'tween his teeth and says, "Aye. It's drivin' me nuts."

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Here's two Star Trek Jokes Why did Spock look in the toilet?

He's trying to find the captain's log.

-----

Did you here about the new Star Trek toilet paper?

It flies around Uranus looking for Klingons

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Why couldn't the virgin be captain of a ship? Because he couldn't find a first mate.

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There is only one person that can beat Captain America Captain Vietnam

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what is the difference between captain Morgan and general Custer? Captain Morgan is still killing Indians to this day

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What does Captain America and Spain have in common? A horrific Civil War

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How many ears does Captain Kirk have? A left ear, a right ear, and a final frontier.

xD

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A pirate captain and his mates take a trip to Las Vegas As they approach the city, the Captain yells "Thaarr she blows!"

A woman yells from the distance "No, my shift doesn't start for another hour!"

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What does Captain Jack Sparrow do when he has back pain? Pilates of the Caribbean.

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A Navy captain and his first mate are looking through their telescopes. The first mate claims he can see beautiful island sands in the east.

"Are you positive?" Asks the captain.

"Pretty shore" replies the first mate.

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Captain hook can't kill 20 kindergarteners. But Sandy Hook can.

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A hat for kirk My mum wanted to knit a hat for Captain Kirk of the USS enterprise, but it is quite tricky for someone who has three ears!

His left ear, his right ear and his final front-ear.

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What do you call a starship captain who empties space septic tanks? William Shartner.

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What did Till Lindemann say when he was appointed captain of the Planet Express? "Fire Fry!"

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What's your mom's favorite seafood resturant? Captain D's Nutz

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How did Captain Hook die? He wiped with the wrong hand.

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Never Lose A Tank When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

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Why couldn't the sailors play cards? Because the Captain was stood on the deck!

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Warning potential Avengers Age of Ultron Spoilers. What is Captain America's shield made out of? -Vibranium

-What's Hawkeye's shield made out of?

-Quicksilver

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[Marvel Avengers Age of Ultron Spoilers] If Captain Americas shield is made of Vibranium what is Hawkeye's shield made of? Quicksilver

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