Hilarious Cousin Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Cousin Jokes

My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up

Score: 1428

Is it ok to sleep with a second cousin? It must be, because the first one didn't seem to mind.

Score: 642

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

Score: 632

My 5 y/o cousins joke :) Him:Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Him: To get to the stupid persons house.
Me: *voluntary laugh as older cousin*
Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

Him: It's the chicken!

I fell right into the little tackers trap!

Score: 487

A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin... I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them

Score: 334

*Knock knock* (courtesy of a 9 year old) Who's there?

I eat map.

I eat map who?

*Queue a disgusted face on my cousin* **YOU EAT YOUR POO!**

Score: 331

Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone? His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

Score: 221

My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows. I think it's just a stage he's going through.

Score: 215

Score: 187

What mom loves... Son: Mom, why is my cousin's name rose?

Mom: Well son, your aunt really loves flowers!

Son: Mom, what do you love?

Mom: Richard, stop asking so many questions!

Score: 184

When I was a kid my younger cousin always cheated at freeze tag, So I wasn't surprised when I heard he got shot by the cops

Score: 155

I accidentally slept with my third cousin. The first two were better.

Score: 143

How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers? Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.

(Credit to my cousin)

Score: 129

What does the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend Flush

I heard this from my 11 year old cousin, the look on his mom's face after he told me this made my day.

Score: 124

Albert Einstein owed the inspiration for one of his best ideas to his cousin who had Down Syndrome... he had a special relative, you see?

Score: 122

My cousin's horoscope was Cancer. Funny how she died... She got eaten by a giant crab

Score: 121

A russian, visiting the US, went for an eye check up A Russian, visiting the US, went for an eye check up.

The doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this?

Russian: Read?? I even know the guy ... he's my cousin!

Score: 117

Is it okay to marry your second cousin? [xpost from /r/dadjokes] Sure, as long as you're legally divorced from the first one.

Score: 113

My cousin just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3". I always knew he liked them young, but this is ridiculous.

Score: 109

My friend looked completely shaken. He said that he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I said, “If it upsets you so much, stop counting them.”

Score: 100

What kind of farm has lots of books but no livestock? Barns and no-bulls.

(This joke was made up by my 7 year-old cousin.)

Score: 95

A Russian visiting America A RUSSIAN visiting America, went for an eye check-up.
The doctor shows him the letters on the board: CZWVNQSTAZKY
Doctor: Can you read this?
Russian: Read? I even know the guy. He's my cousin!

Score: 94

My 16 year old cousin Mary finally got her period today. So, that was a tense couple of years for me.

Score: 91

His cousin A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

Score: 87

A redneck walks in to a restaurant with his wife, sister and cousin He walks up to the host and says table for two please

Score: 72

What do you call Iron Man's transgender cousin? Fe-male

Score: 67

A Russian went for an eye check up. The doctor showed him some letters on the board:

CZWXNQSTAZKY

"Can you read this?"

The Russian responds, "Read? I even know this guy. He's my cousin."

Score: 66

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To reach the bottom.
As told by my 5 y/o cousin.

Score: 60

Einstein married his cousin elsa. even his marriage was relative.

Score: 52

I saw a man struggling in the sea today shouting " Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed because I knew the shark wouldn't help him.

Heard from my 10 year old cousin.

Score: 49

Dad, why is my cousin called Porsche? Dad: Because her father likes Porsche cars.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: You're welcomed, young boy.

Score: 47

A Russian Goes For His Eye Examination The doctor places an eye chart before him and asks if he can recognize what's written.

The Russian: Are you kidding me? That's my cousin's name

Score: 34

Have you seen this new movie? Heard this one from my 10 year old cousin.

Him: "Have you seen the new movie about constipation yet?"

Me: "No..."

Him: "It hasn't come out yet. But people are pushing for its release!"

Score: 32

A Pole went for an eye check up A Pole went for an eye check up.

The doctor showed the letters on the board:
CXWSNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Pole: Read? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

Score: 28

Dad just dropped this at my cousin's 8th birthday party...I was the only one to burst out laughing.. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

Score: 23

My cousin recently had an operation to become a goose He's transgander.

Score: 13

My cousin recently had her baby aborted. Such a shame, could have met my future first cousin once removed.

Score: 9

I like my women like I like my wine. Twelve years old and in my basement.

(Joke was told to me by my cousin)

Score: 9

When I was a kid, my cousin always cheated at freeze tag. So I wasn’t surprised when I heard he got shot by the cops.

Score: 9

Did you hear that Einstein married his first cousin? I guess it's just a relative problem.

Score: 8

New Cousin Jokes

My cousin decided to try parkour, so he jumped off the roof of a one-floor building. To make a long story short... ...definitely would've helped. Funeral's Thursday.

Score: 0

Einstein's second wife was his cousin ... ... so I guess sometimes love is relative.

Score: 5

A Pittsburg Steelers fan and his wife, cousin, and sister walk into a bar. Only 2 people walked in.

Score: 3

Found out my cousin is a vegetarian now. The lengths he goes to have his wife swallow.

Score: 0

Why are mirrors always able to learn from their mistakes? They’re really good at reflecting!

(My 8 year old cousin told me this one 😂)

Score: 2

TIL: I have a long lost cousin from Nigeria! Turns out he's a prince!

Score: 2

A kid goes to her mpther and asks. -"Mom, why is my cousin named Jacqueline?"
-‎"That's because it's the combination of her mother and father's name, Jack and Madeline.
-‎"But why is my name the combination of your
name and uncle's-WTF?!!!!

Score: 0

I was at a family reunion when my cousin said he got a job as a crime scene cleaner I asked then asked him “what side of the law?”

Score: 4

TIFU by getting my cousin arrested for smoking weed I should have known there’s a better way to describe blowtorching crabgrass.

Score: 1

The family wouldn't let my dad's cousin participate in gatherings after I was born. They said he was too far removed.

Score: 1

Post Malone might be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone? His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

Score: 4

A southern man loves only one thing in life... 1. His wife
2. His cousin

Score: 3

What do you call Ryu's stinky cousin? Pyu

Score: 1

Did you know that Kenny G has a cousin who works in the video game industry? Luigi.

Score: 1

Where do fisherman keep their horses In their BARNacles.

-Made it up today for my little cousin who rolled his eyes. Gf thought it was funny.

Score: 6

A joke from my 8 year old cousin How do you put a whale in a car?

You can't you idiot!

Score: 6

A man's cousin and wife died. He will miss her.

Score: 1

From my 10 y/o cousin: Why did the chicken double-cross the road? To get to the other spy...in the CIA. Chicken Intelligence Agency.

Score: 7

TIL that Einstein married his cousin. It is all relative.

Score: 3

Why did Einstein marry his cousin? Because it's all relative.

Score: 6

What’s the difference between a Texan and a Redneck? A Texan rides a horse, a Redneck rides his cousin

Score: 8

A little math joke that my cousin told me If you commit a crime 90 times, you'll only get caught 45 times,

.

.

.

.

because sin 90 = cot 45.

Score: 3

My young cousin is very fussy. He went on camp recently... When he returned, he said, "Our camp director snores when he sleeps. But no one told him to be quiet".

I said, "Why didn't anyone tell him to be quiet?"

"He was driving the bus".

Score: 1

A Russian man went to the doctor for an eye checkup The Doctor shows him these letters on the board:

CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor : Can you read this?

Russian : Read? I even know the guy...he's my cousin!

Score: 2

My cousin said he has brain cancer... I guess you can say it's all in his head

Score: 4

My 8 year old cousin asked me if I wanted to hear a joke Amanda: "I want to tell you a joke. Okay:
A snowman wants to go on vacation.
He wants to go to Chile because he thinks it will be chilly--BUT--he actually lands in a bowl of chilli.
Then he dies."

Score: 3

Einstein married his first cousin Apparently he was testing his theory of relatives

Score: 4

What do you call Chewbacca's Chinese cousin? A Fortune Wookie

Score: 8

Kid: why is my cousin named Diamond? Mother: because your auntie really loves diamonds

Kid: well what about my name?

Mother: never mind about that Richard.

Score: 4

My cousin is a total audiophile... He came as soon as he heard

Score: 1

Have you heard about the guy who posted about a mod's cousin? Once removed.

Score: 1