Raises Jokes

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!" Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work

A teacher asks the class, “What are some examples of flammable objects?” and the Jewish student raises his hand. The teacher replies, “Very good! Any other examples?”

Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine) Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.
Student: *raises hand*
Professor: Yes?
Student: 1 Earth

When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject... These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.

"Can someone give an example of things that are useless?" The teacher asked. Me: *raises hand*

Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?

So a Lecturer tells a joke in the class. . . . . .and then one of the students raises his hand and says "but sir you told that joke last year" the lecturer replies "if you can repeat things then so can I"

2 year old son spits on the floor. Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you swallow it.
Husband raises eyebrows.
Wife: You shut up!

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now when you talk about Botox no one raises an eyebrow

I think the $250 million we spent on bombs for Syria would have been better going to schools in our own country Then there wouldn’t be any teachers left to give raises to.

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo? Well, now when you mention botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.

America's new tax plan raises taxes on coal miners Which is weird. I thought American politicians were rather fond of minors.

A scientist runs into an AA meeting... ...and exclaims "we did it! We found a medical cure for alcoholism! All you have to do is take this one pill daily and you are cured."

Slowly a hand raises in the back and a man says "what happens if you take two?"

A Roman guy walks into a bar, raises two fingers, and says... "I'll take five beers."

A nuclear physicist is drinking at Oktoberfest... He approaches the bar to and calls over a barman. The barman asks what he would like, and the physicist raises one finger and says,

"Ein Stein".

So this Roman guy... This Roman guy walks into a Tavern, raises two fingers and yells, 'five beers please!'

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now, you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

So a bear walks into a bar... the bartender asks him what he'd like to drink. the bear replies "i'll have a rum............................................................and coke"

the bartender asks, "why the big pause?"

the bear raises his paws to the bartender's face and yells "HELLO?! I'M A BEAR"

Plastic surgery used to be such a taboo subject... Nowadays if you talk about Botox nobody raises an eyebrow.

Remember when plastic surgery used to be a taboo subject? Now when you mention Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.


<sorry if it's a repost>.

What’s the difference between LSD sold by an overweight transgender person and a food that raises bad cholesterol? Nothing. They’re both **trans fatty acid**.

I remember when cosmetic surgery was considered taboo. Now you mention Botox and no one raises an eyebrow!

What is the dairy farmer's favorite exercise? Calf Raises.

A tour guide is leading a group through a museum in London. “This mummy here is over 5,000 years old,” the guide told the group. “It’s possible that Moses saw it.”

&#x200B;

A tourist raises her hand and asks, “When was Moses ever in London?”

A chemistry teacher is having problems with her desktop... So she asks the class:
"How do I unfreeze my computer?"

After a few seconds, one student raises their hand and responds:
"What's the melting point?"

Little Johnny raises his hand in class one day... and asks "Teacher, will you punish me for something I didn't do?"

"Of course not" says the teacher.

"Good," says Little Johnny, "cause I didn't do my homework."

A priest is doing children's time during a service... The priest asks the kids "Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"
A little girl raises her hand and says "Well, father, I know if it doesn't go away in four hours you have to call your doctor!"

Little Johnny raises his hand in class… "Teacher!"

"Yes, Johnny."

"Would you ever punish me for something I didn't do?"

"Of course not!"

"Good! Because I *didn't* do my homework!"

*raises drink* Here's to blind hookers! You really gotta hand it to em

Two Finnish men meet in a bar... Two Finnish men meet in a bar, they haven't seen each other in over 30 years, but used to be best friends. One raises his beer and says 'cheers'.

The other responds, 'are we here to drink, or to talk?'

Botox used to be a taboo subject but... talk about it now and nobody raises an eyebrow.

Remember when plastic surgery was a touchy subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow

A photon both raises his hand and shouts "Goodbye!" It's a wave and a parting call.

An English teacher in Kenya tells the class to use the words cheetah and dandelion in a sentence The smartest kid raises his hand

He offers

The cheetah is faster dandelion

Rick is sitting in his bar in Casablanca, enjoying the sublime beauty of geometry... He raises his glass and says, "Here's looking at Euclid."

American teaching class of young foreign exchange students "Okay class, can any of you use the word Dandelion in a sentence?"

A young boy from Ghana raises his hand and says

"The cheetah is fasta dan-de-lion!"

Here's to all of the trump supporters out there, a toast. *Raises bleach*

Remember when plastic surgery was taboo, now if you mention Botox no one even raises an eyebrow..

A Roman walks into a bar.. ...raises two fingers and says "Five beers please".

My father teaches biology and Spanish.. Him: Ok, who can tell me what these are?

Me: (Raises hand) Soy Beans!

Him: Much gusto, Beans! Me llamo Dad.