Vodka Jokes

What's a Jedi's favorite brand of vodka? Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.

Know why vodka is so clear? Its so Russians can tell it isn't tap water.

A man tried smuggling sausage and vodka out of Europe and his suitcase caught fire and they had to evacuate the plane. The whole event was pretty terrible.

It was the Absolut-wurst-case scenario.

Just invented a new drink. Vodka, cranberry juice, lime, and rohypnol. Its called the Cosbypolitan

Old Soviet joke People are waiting in a long line like to buy vodka. Finally one alcoholic snaps and screams - 'I can't take it, I'll go kill Gorbachev!' And leaves the store. 10 minutes later he come back and says. 'The line to kill Gorbachev is even longer.'

Vodka isn't a liquid. It’s a solution.

I don't think drinking Vodka is the solution to all of my problems... But it's worth a shot.

Why did the bartender only charge his customer for the vodka in his screwdriver? Because as of yesterday, OJ is free.

If you really want a promotion at work, all you have to do is walk into your office shouting, "Vodka! Tequila! Sambuca!" at the top of your lungs... This will make you the person who calls the shots...

I doubt vodka has all the answers But it's worth a shot.

My favorite part of a marathon is... My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

Why is vodka so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe? Because only Siths deal in Absolut.

When I was a kid, I found a bottle of vodka someone had left at the treehouse at the playground. So I took it to the police station. The police told me not to worry. They would get to the bottom of it.

I walked up to the barman and asked for a vodka shot. He said, "Straight?"

I said, "Yeah. So don't get any ideas, pal."

Why don't the jedi drink vodka? Because only the Sith deal in absolut

A Russian doctor is treating his patient. *"Take this for insomnia... take this for depression... and take this for anxiety."*

*"Thank you Doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides Vodka?"*

Vodka isn't the answer to all of my problems.. But it's worth a shot

What grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with vodka? A sorority.

Russian pharmacy Doctor: This medicine is from insomnia, this one is from nervous break-down, and also take this one from depression.

Patient: Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides vodka?

Vodka isn't the answer to my problems but its worth a shot

I spilled all my vodka today It was an Absolut loss

I've been on this new Vodka diet. It's great, I've lost 3 days already!

If you want a promotion at work, walk into your office and start shouting, "Vodka! Tequila! Sambuca!" at the top of your lungs... This will make you the person who calls the shots...

Why won’t Obi-Wan mix you a vodka cocktail? Only a Sith deals in Absoluts.

What do you get if you give a triangle vodka? A rectangle

Im starting to see the bright side of being single.. ..If I tip the bottle towards the ceiling, light shines right through the Vodka. Facinating

A man walks into a Japanese bar... he wants a vodka, so he walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a Stoli the bartended replies, "Once upon a time..."

A short joke. If a former 80's Russian comedian went out and bought some off-brand vodka. Would that be Yakov Smirnoff buying knock-off Smirnoff?

Why didn't JFK ever like vodka? Because he couldn't handle a few shots

Two lesbians walk into a bar... One of them orders vodka, and the other one asks why.
She says she likes a hard liquor.

I need glasses in order to see my family... ... Glasses of Vodka.

I doubt vodka is the answer... But it's worth the shot.

Uh, maybe this is the vodka talking, but... *Hey, I am made of potatoes!*

You know what the best part about vodka is? 40% of it.

Congrats! You're on the new game show, Serbia or Suburbia! Contestant #1, who drinks vodka immediately when they get off work, because their country is falling apart?

I'm allergic to Vodka, I can't drink it. It makes me break out in handcuffs.

Glass of water Optimists: the glass is half full!


pessimists: the glass is half empty!


Russians: glass no have vodka

My parents finally poured a drink for me when I turned 21 I said no, that vodka is at least 70% water

"What wine do you have at this restaurant that you would recommend for an arts student?" "Vodka. The cheapest brand. And show me the money in advance."