Hilarious But Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest But Jokes

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Edit: Sorry.

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What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters. Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.

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My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again. Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

Score: 25751

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump. But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

EDIT: epic

Score: 24109

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

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My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return.

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Vegans think butchers are gross But people who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer

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Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump... But that’s comparing apples to oranges.

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The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

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Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump. But its a silly comparison really, its like comparing apples to oranges.

Score: 20194

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media But every American knows that America is the best country in the world

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My girlfriend always takes long showers after watching movies starring Chris Pratt I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt.

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Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job? The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

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Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud.. But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

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A lion would never drive while drunk. But a tiger wood.

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When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

Edit: *Alleged* contribution of $1 million. Also, thank you kind gilder

Score: 17577

White people are always annoyed that only black people can say the n word, but white people have some phrases only they can say too Things like “Hi Dad!” and “Thanks for the warning, officer.”

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What do Apple and Donald Trump have in common? I would say that they both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs, but I shouldn't compare apples to oranges.

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3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. What do they do? They throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

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My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

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I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

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How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

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What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet? I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.

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I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana. But cocaine is where I draw the line.

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My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans... I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

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After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

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I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today. It's my thirty-second birthday.

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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them... I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

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When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body. But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

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Science builds planes and skyscrapers but faith brings them together.

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My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils... But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.

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Prison may be just one word But to others, it's a whole sentence

Edit: I fell asleep after posting this and woke up seeing it on the front page, thanks guys!

Score: 13945

A boy and his dad are talking. "Hey Dad."

"Yes son?"

"Did you ever get shot in the army?"

He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;

"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

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I'm 60 days clean now. It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.

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I had a vasectomy because I didn't want to have kids. But when I came back home, they were still there.

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I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners? Not a fan.

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I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week... I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

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I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife… But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

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Hey girl, are you an obelisk? Because I'm trying to find out what an obelisk is through process of elimination.

EDIT: Meant to do this before this post got too popular, but it exploded while I was at school. Credit goes to @ewfeez from twitter

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New But Jokes

I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster but it just made it more sluggish.

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I actually wanted to post a time traveling joke but you guys didn't like it

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A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."

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There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join But enough about the church...

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Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook. He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"

I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.

Score: 1566

I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

Score: 2308

I don't always tell dad jokes But when I do, he laughs.

Bonus: my dad says I'm the only joke he'll ever need.

Score: 2449

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me. I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

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Science built skyscrapers and airplanes But only religion can bring the two together.

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Dunno what this WiFi dude did But I've seen a ton of bars and restaurants demanding his freedom lately

Score: 1027

The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple.

But with extremely limited memory - just one byte.

Everything crashed.

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My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish But today is opposite day so it's all good

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Dating is a lot like fishing... Sure there is plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I am just stuck here holding my rod.

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In America, dogs are k-9s But in China, dogs are e-10

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I want to make a joke about hurricane Harvey But I am scared my inbox will be flooded

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We all know Albert Einstein was a genius... ... but his brother Frank was a monster

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I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat. She said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

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I love eating babies and smiling but I hate punctuation

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The other day I told a girl, "You look great without glasses." Girl: "I don't wear glasses."

Me, while polishing my lenses: "No, but I do."

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Mom I got a boyfriend! Daughter: Mom I got a new boyfriend, our neighbour Joe.

Mom: But he could be your father!

Daughter: Age is not that important to me.

Mom: That's not what I was talking about...

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I froze myself to -273.1°C ..my friends and family are worried, but I'll be 0K

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Is it okay to hate a certain race? I usually run the 5K, but someone from my running group wants to do the 10K, which I don't want because a lot of caucasians participate in that one.

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To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket.... You can hide, but you can't run

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My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

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Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye But when hitler does it everyone loses their mind

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I walked into a bar and saw this girl wearing a Falcons jersey. I walked up and introduced myself as, "25 point lead".

"Is that your real name?", she asked.

I said, "No, but I figured anyone wearing a Falcons jersey would blow a 25 point lead."

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My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she said, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”

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8 dudes have as much wealth as 4 billion people. We need to start killing them But it will take a while to kill 4 billion people

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6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9? Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

EDIT: Wow RIP inbox, thanks for the love guys.

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I bought Prince's greatest hits the other day for £20. But I partied like it was £19.99

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One day when I was young...... I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.

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Smoking will kill you... Bacon will kill you... But,

Smoking bacon will cure it.

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I won't control what you do on the internet but Theresa May

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A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?" The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."

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When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet I thought I had made a new friend But then I saw the next two letters.

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Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

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A mathematician couldn't remember if he had been with his girlfriend for 1 year or 2. But he knew it was <3.

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My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."

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Have you ever played quiet tennis? It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.

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My roommates get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils. But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

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My girlfriend admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her. It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

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The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail… But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition…

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Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value? For example: 5 equals 5, but

5! equals 120.

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My wife gave me some bad news today "But," she said, "I bought your favorite soy sauce to help cheer you up."

"Great," I said. "Just Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"

I'm very soy for that pun. I'll just wok away now.

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I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him... Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

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An essay should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover everything but short enough to keep your attention.

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Racecar backwards is still racecar but racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died.

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My psychologist told me: "Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."

I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...

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I took an epileptic girl to a rave I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.

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The oldest computer... The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.

Yes, it was an Apple.

But with an extremely limited memory.

Just one byte.

Then everything crashed.

Score: 8125

Farts are like children I'm proud of mine but disgusted by yours

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La La Land wins Oscar in Best Picture But Moonlight won the popular vote

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They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

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All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh... But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

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My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her

EDIT: I know this is a repost but what do you expect? This is /r/jokes

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I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...

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"One mans trash is another mans treasure" is a great quote but, its not the best way to tell your kid that hes adopted.

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In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types. But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.

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To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket: You can hide, but you can't run.

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