Hilarious Calling Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Calling Jokes

Score: 12039

I'm tired of all these forced gender neutral terms The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend

Score: 11550

The furniture store keeps calling me back..... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

Score: 4737

A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make. Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.

Score: 3835

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader? Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

Score: 3569

Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers? It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.

Score: 3434

Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.

Score: 2318

What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter? an Envelope
EDIT: My deepest Canadian apologies to those who are calling this a riddle. I always took it as a cheesy joke

Score: 2159

I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers... Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

Score: 2127

Last night my wife started calling me Jeb Bush. I also pull out way to late.

Score: 2016

Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field? The pot was calling the cattle back

Score: 1900

Im sick and tired of people calling America the stupidest country in the world Personally I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world

Score: 1783

Today I angered two people by calling them "hipsters" Apparently, the correct term is "conjoined twins"

Score: 1347

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not. I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

Score: 1343

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up. They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.

Score: 1275

"Thank you for calling the NSA..." "The only government organization that **actually** listens to you!"

Score: 1221

Stop calling it the Zelda Franchise - It's called the Zelda Chain. Because there's so many Links

Score: 1183

I started calling my toilet the "Jim"... instead of the John.

It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

Score: 1003

I hate it when engineering students call themselves engineers... Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

Score: 503

It annoys me that Engineering students call themselves engineers.. You don’t hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.

Score: 488

Husband: Why are the defective condoms lying on the sofa? Wife: What?

Wife goes to find them and comes back angrily saying:

I will kill you, if you don't stop calling our children 'Defective Condoms'.

Score: 481

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times I keep getting his answering machine

Score: 417

My friend started calling the toilet the Jim instead of the John He said it sounds better when he tell people he goes to the Jim everyday.

Score: 396

So this guy at college keeps calling me a flamingo one of these days I'm going to put my foot down.

Score: 325

My girlfriend is so smart Once I forgot to bring my phone when I went out today.

I borrowed my friend's phone to call her.

She answered "What's up baby?"

She is so smart she knew I was the one calling her.

Score: 295

What do you call a dog with no legs? Don't bother calling it, it won't come

Score: 281

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back.

Score: 271

I'm thinking of opening a sperm bank and calling it... "Get a load of this guy"

Score: 259

I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend but she keeps calling me Seems like I have to drop the bomb twice.

Score: 247

Don't you just hate it when med students call themselves doctors? I mean you don't see engineering students calling themselves engineers or arts students calling themselves baristas

Score: 246

This Halloween I decided to go as a harp. As I walked into the party, a gentleman asked, "what are you supposed to be?" "A harp", I replied.
"No, no. You're much too small to be a harp" he protested.
So I asked, "are you calling me a lyre?"

Score: 196

A man named Eric Cole... ... discovered that there was a direct correlation between the amount of mayonnaise on his cabbage salad and how good it tastes.
He's calling this correlation Cole's Law.

Score: 166

I'm starting a business.... I'm gonna do math tutoring, but solely for midgets. I'm calling it Making The Little Things Count.

Score: 142

A threesome involves three people. A twosome involves two. I guess that's why everybody keeps calling me handsome.

Score: 106

LPT: When calling out of work or school, don't fake congestion, etc... instead try using your best Indian accent. There's a much higher chance they'll believe you're Sikh.

Score: 79

I hate it when I hate it when engineering students call themselves engineer.
I don't see medical students calling themselves doctor or history students calling themselves unemployed

Score: 55

We should start calling the planet "unborn baby" maybe then republicans would want to save it.

Score: 51

Instead of calling my toilet "the John", I call it "the Jim" from now on... That way, it sounds better whenever I say: "I go to the Jim every morning."

Score: 43

A lot of people are calling me an “honest stalker”, whatever that means. Not gonna lie, I see where they’re coming from.

Score: 38

I made a Starbucks barista cry I put my name down as Dad and he stood there calling it over and over again with no reply.

Score: 36

New Calling Jokes

Scientists have discovered a new element that appears and disappears at random times. They are calling it the element of... SURPRISE!

Score: 5

There's nothing like waking up next to the girl of your dreams on a nice Sunday knowing you could just lay in bed with her all day long Her calling the cops and saying 'get out my bed you disgusting freak' does ruin the mood though.

Score: 4

Sometimes I get tired of people calling me "loose" and "easy." But I guess if the shoe fits....

Score: 3

My wife said she's going to start calling our dogs Dog 1 and Dog 2. I replied with, "That's mean, do you want me to call you Wife 1?"

She asked, "Why do I have to be Wife 1?"

I asked her, "Would you rather be Wife 2?"

Score: 4

Siri annoyed me all morning. She kept calling me Shirley. Then I remembered I left my phone on airplane mode.

Score: 3

My girlfriend made a gesture calling me a loser because I'm obsessed with Smash Mouth puns. I told her she was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an L on her forehead.

Score: 4

The furniture store keep calling me and trying to get me to go back. I keep telling them, all I wanted was one night stand.

Score: 10

A guy is opening a donut shop next to a medical marijuana shop... He’s calling it “Glazed and Confused”.

Score: 5

I’m no longer calling period attitude PMS... Nope, I’m calling ovary acting.

Score: 16

Costume party Host: What are you?

Me: A harp

Host: Ur costume's too small to be a harp.

Me: Are you calling me a lyre

Score: 4

Went to a costume party last night The host asked what I was supposed to be, so I told him I dressed up as a harp. "But your costume is too small to be a harp," he said.

"Are you calling me a lyre?"

Score: 12

A furniture store keeps calling me.. I’ll I wanted was a one night stand

Score: 25

Will Trump ever apologize for calling Kim Jong-Un a "rocket man"? Well I think it's going to be a long, long time...

Score: 4

My Dad has a strange hobby, he likes to collect empty liquor bottles... ...well it sounds so much better than calling him an alcoholic.

Score: 4

Ryan Gosling is 36 years old Shouldn't we be calling him Ryan Goose already?

Score: 21

isis is marketing their version of kitkat they're calling it allahu snackbar

Score: 4

What is the difference between a washing machine and a girl? A washing machine doesn't keep calling you after you dump your load in it

Score: 7

I put my phone on airplane mode. Now it won't stop calling me Shirley.

Score: 4

I'm writing an erotic novel featuring tea and pastries. I'm calling it "Romancing the Scone."

Score: 4

If Mayweather wins this match he'll be so consistent... ...that they'll have to start calling him "Mayclimate"

Score: 3

Gonna open up an erotic bakery Calling it "Fudgeina"

Score: 3

Fear of hospitals Fear of hospitals isn't irrational. I went to 1 once for stomach pain and I had a kid following me ever since calling me mom!

Score: 8

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field? Because the pot was calling the cattle back…

Score: 7

A town has recently been overrun by a horde of chickens Officials have been calling it a complete cluster cluck

Score: 7

“Thank you for calling the NSA…” “The only government organization that actually listens to you.”

Score: 19

I tried calling Stephen Hawking the other day But I kept getting his answering machine

Score: 25

My friends and I just started a music group. We're calling the band "Grandpa's Life Support." That way, if we ever have an acoustic album, it'll be called "Grandpa's Life Support: Unplugged."

Score: 5

What happened to Helen Keller when she fell down the mountain? She broke five fingers calling for help

Score: 8

Did you hear about the big toothpaste scandal? The media are calling it Colgate...

Score: 24

Today, i will be calling all the cockroaches and rats Today, i will be calling all the cockroaches
and rats in my house for a meeting so we can discuss how we will be sharing the rent because i don't know who owns the house anymore.

Score: 4

The cellphone goes off in class... Bully: "Aww, Is your Mommy calling you?"

The class emerges in snickers.

You: "Nope. Yours is."

The class becomes silent.

Score: 14

The doctor said I need to start drinking more whiskey.... Also I am calling myself "the doctor" now.

Score: 5

I've started calling the smallest of my three dogs 'grandma' She has mini paws

Score: 7

My newborn nephew entered the world with the innate ability to dance. They ran tests and found that he got the ability by being born with an extra chromosome. The doctors are calling it... "Get down syndrome"

Score: 4

I got into a fight The guy broke my nose.

But I broke 7 bones in his hand so...

I'm calling it a win.

Score: 8

How do functions break up? They stop calling each other.

Score: 12

Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers? You dont see medical students calling themselves doctors, or arts students calling themselves baristas

Score: 20

Kentucky Fried Chicken just donated a large sum of money to a hospital I heard they are calling it the Chicken Wing

Score: 4

To all those people calling Americans fat... they dropped 21,600 pounds yesterday.

Score: 14

Saudi Arabia bans chess, calling it a dangerous game Because:

1. Queen doesn't wear a burkha.

2. Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.

3. Queen is more powerful than the King.

4. Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.

5. And....there's only one Queen

Score: 5

What do you get for calling a suicide hotline in Iraq? A job offer

Score: 17

I'm so sick of people calling me a weeb If I had a death note they'd be sorry...

Score: 9

A guy kept calling me sister I was having nun of it

Score: 9

I tried calling the rape advice hotline today... Apparently it's for the "victims?"

Score: 6

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed... One fell off and bumped his head, his momma called the doctor, and the doctor said, "I'm calling Child Protective Services."

Score: 8

Disney is already working on a sequel to Beauty and the Beast... They're calling it The French Prince in Belle's Snare.

Score: 8

Thank you for calling the anonymous NSA hotline What would you like to report, Peter?

Score: 17

What did the police dispatcher say when a short psychic woman escaped from prison? Calling all units, we have a small medium at large

Score: 3

I also called a suicide hotline in Iraq... They told me to try calling back in a few days because they already had enough volunteers for the week.

Score: 6

Some women love playing hard to get. Closing their blinds, locking their doors, calling the police...

Score: 13

My wife recently won the Annual Women's Golf Meet in our district Needless to say, I have started calling her the "Intercourse Champion of the County "

Score: 4

Thank you for calling ELVIS Direct Press 1 for the money
2 for the show

Score: 8

They put a protective casing over the Vietnam Wall. They're calling it the Maya Lin sheath.

Score: 4

People are always calling me a soft touch... As their proctologist, I take this as a compliment.

Score: 4

Archaeologists have discovered a mummy in Egypt encased in chocolate and surrounded by hazelnuts They are calling it "The Pharaoh Rocher"

Score: 4

A man in North Korea got given 40 years in a labour camp for calling Kim Jong Un an idiot... 5 for slander, and 35 for revealing state secrets-

Score: 9

I'm developing a new sport that involves a ball, shotput, discus, and javelins. I'm calling it a game of throwns.

Score: 3

I wanted to open up a summer camp for kids with learning disabilities apparently people think calling it a concentration camp is wrong

Score: 15

My wife and I are hosting a get together tonight that ends at 11:30.. We're calling it a before New Year's leave party.

Score: 14

You guys! I'm so excited, I just hooked up with my crush from middle school. ...but now she keeps calling me expecting me to show up at her graduation.

Score: 9