Hilarious Crying Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Crying Jokes

Why was the anti-vaxxer‘s 4 year old child crying? Midlife crisis

Score: 33326

Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 3 year old crying? They were having a mid-life crisis.

Score: 17171

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?” I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went away and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

Score: 13033

Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand* Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself

Sister-in-law: ~crying~ is this why you wanted an open casket

Score: 2329

Why was the baby in Africa crying? It was having a mid-life crisis.

Score: 1861

When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant I started crying. I know how it feels to grow up without a father!

Score: 1674

I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . . . . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?

Score: 1672

Just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out. He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.

Score: 1616

why was the 6 month old African baby crying? It was having a mid life crisis

Score: 1533

I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone "Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"

"No" she sobbed

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage

Score: 1528

I got a call from my ex crying and telling me she was HIV+ The hardest part is always having to act surprised.

Score: 1297

I always wondered why gun barrels tasted salty Until I realized I'm always crying when I put one in my mouth

Score: 885

I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". my wife is too selfish to notice. She's always crying.

Score: 783

Why was the antivaxxers 5 year old crying? Mid Life crisis

Score: 742

Quick question... How much of this "No More Tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?

Score: 693

Why was the little ink drop crying? His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

Score: 670

My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise? -Because the other fish were crying.

Edit: *One of them dies.

Score: 664

Score: 620

Onions. I remember crying when my dad chopped onions.

Onions was a good dog. I miss him.

Score: 614

My girlfriend starting crying tears of joy when I asked if she'd like to be in a foursome.... All I asked was "Will, you, Mary, me?"

Score: 514

Quick question How much no more tears shampoo do you have to rub in a baby's eyes before it stops crying?

Score: 494

My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours. I said, "Why are you so upset? It's just hair. I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend."

Score: 481

Whats the difference between a feminist and a baby? At some point in its life, the baby will stop crying and grow up

edit: if you're a feminist and you're here to downvote the post and all the comments, that just gives more truth to the joke.

Score: 467

A bearded guy A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."

Score: 437

Two blondes are going to Disney Land At the turn off, they see a sign saying "Disneyland left"

They went home crying.

Score: 346

I asked my daughter for the news I asked my daughter to bring me the newspaper. she said I'm too old fashioned and brought me her iPhone. Not getting too much into details, the fly is now dead, the iPhone is broken and my daughter is crying

Score: 332

What is the difference between a baby and a feminist? Eventually, the baby grows up and stops crying.

Edit: This turned fun!

Score: 313

Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you're writing me a speeding ticket? Officer: It was a moving violation

Score: 299

Why was the anti-vaxxer's 5 year old child crying? Midlife crisis

Score: 279

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

Score: 277

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?" She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

Score: 198

Why was 1 year old African baby crying? It was having a midlife crisis

Score: 183

When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come... Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.

Score: 138

I was crying as my dad chopped up onions... He was a really good dog.

Score: 134

Why was the 2 month old African baby crying? It was having its mid-life crisis.

Score: 127

*knock knock" Who's there?
Nick.
Nick who?

Nick started crying, realizing that his grandmother dementia has gotten a lot worse

Score: 124

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a crying baby. Apparently that's not allowed if it's yours.

Score: 113

I'm really worried about my Parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.

Score: 105

I went into the kitchen this morning and noticed the trash was leaking Or “crying” as she calls it.

Score: 91

Knock Knock Knock knock.

Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

Dave walked away crying because his grandpa had Alzheimer's.

Score: 91

New Crying Jokes

I saw a rat , so i found a bat and started hitting. My son was crying , I'm banned from chucky cheese's.

Score: 6

Why was the antivaxers four year old son crying He was having a midlife crisis

Score: 5

Why was the Ice cream crying? Because his mother had been a wafer so long.

Score: 7

I saw a 4 year girl crying, all alone. “Are you ok?” I asked her. “Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?”

“No” she sobbed.

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage.

Score: 13

Why is the anti-vaxxer's 4-year-old crying? Because it’s having a mid-life crisis .

Score: 8

Why is an anti-vaxer’s kid crying? Mid-life crisis.

Score: 6

So I went to an Antivax kids 3rd birthday. I don’t know why everyone is wearing black and crying tho.

Score: 12

I just saw a man slumped over his lawn mower crying his eyes out. He told me he’ll me fine. He’s just going through a rough patch.

Score: 4

Why was the 4 year old anti-vaxer crying? He had a midlife crisis.

Score: 23

When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying It's must be too highly strung

Score: 22

I slept like a baby last night. Kept waking up randomly and crying myself back to sleep.

Score: 91

Why was the three year old African kid crying? Because he was having a mid-life crisis.

Score: 5

Two blondes were driving to disneyland. The sign said, "Disneyland Left". So they started crying and went home.

Score: 41

My girlfriend was crying because of a pain around the belly I told her she is ovary acting.

Score: 10

Why are ethiopian children always crying? Midlife crisis.

Score: 41

What's the difference between a baby and a feminist? At some point in life, the baby will grow up and stop crying....

(copied)

Score: 16

After my mother’s funeral, we all went for lunch at an Indian restaurant. When the waiter came to check that we had everything on our order he noticed my daughter crying. He asked me what was wrong, I told him she was just missing her nan.

Score: 52

I was washing the dishes when a drop of the dishwashing liquid I was using somehow got to my eye. It stung so bad I started crying. I guess this is what they call tears of Joy™.

Score: 4

What if you died you got stats Something like:
Hours on the internet: 46284. |
Burpees done: 1.25. |
Hours spent crying in a shower: 6627

Score: 7

A German and a jew walk into a bar... The German farts.
The jew starts crying and says "Not again".

Score: 46

Just saw a man crying his eyes out driving an AA van I think he's heading for a breakdown.

Score: 4

A pirate comes across a skull just sitting there randomly in the sand crying. The pirate asks "Why are you crying?" The skull replies through its tears " I'm all alone, I have nobody!"

Score: 5

I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phone book. She laughed and called me an antique, then proceeded to give me her phone.

Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.

Score: 21

Two blondes are on the way to Disneyland and sees a sign with a photo of Disneyland.

It reads: Disneyland left

Suddenly they stop and start crying.

Score: 4

Our young son has been crying a lot at night, so my wife asked me to go out and get a baby monitor for him… But he seems even more freaked out now with the big lizard crawling all over him…

Score: 33

Why was the clown crying? Clinical depression

Score: 6

A little boy is crying, because his pet bunny died... his mother asks: How does it come you are crying much more now than when your grandma died?
little boy:I didnt have to pay for her with my allowance.

Score: 15

I got a bald person hair gel for Christmas. She immediately started crying when she opened it. I guess the chemo makes her emotional.

Score: 7

Two blondes were in a car heading to Disneyland They saw an intersection

It said:
Disneyland left ⬅️

So they started crying and went home.

Score: 28

I slept like a baby last night I drank a bottle before bed and woke up crying

Score: 25

Why was the 3 year old African child crying? He was going through a midlife crisis.

Score: 49

My wife started crying when I asked her for a handjob Guess its really insensitive to ask an amputee that.

Score: 6

My mother-in-law fell down our well last week but she is fine she stopped crying for help 2 days ago

Score: 86

To ease the pain of a mother Crying at her Husbands funeral I said "At least he died doing what he Loves" Too bad he was a Drug Addict

Score: 14

2 blondes go to disney world They see a sign that's says Disney World left.
They start crying and head back home.

Score: 6

My wife came home from work crying and asked me to console her. So I twatted her with the Xbox.

Score: 4

My Wife Handed Me A Crying Baby and Asked Me To Change Him. So I drove to the Hospital and asked for a replacement.

Score: 4

My friend's daughter started to cry when she saw Bieber got shot in the TV show. My friend said to his daughter;

'Don't cry. He's not actually dead."

The girl said;

'That's why I'm crying!'

Score: 13

Stalin is giving a speech. And someone sneezes.

Stalin: Who sneezed?
No answer.
Stalin: First row outside.
*Gunshots*
Stalin: Who sneezed?
No answer.
Stalin: Second row outside.
*Gunshots*
Stalin: Who sneezed?
Attendee, crying: "I SNEEZED!"
Stalin: Bless you!

Score: 29

I've built a spice catapult that is capable of seasoning a steak from a distance of 100 yards. It's a little hard to aim but there's no sense crying over every missed steak.

Score: 8

Teacher asks: You have 12 apples and you give your friend 7, how many apples you have left? I answer: 12. I don't have any friends. (Crying internally)

Score: 25

What's the difference between a mattress and a highway? A baby will cry for hours if you throw it on a mattress but it stops crying pretty quickly if you throw it on a highway.

Score: 14

I used to hate it when people slightly messed up proverbs... But I guess it's no use crying over spoiled milk.

Score: 29

I wasn't that drunk yesterday. "I wasn't that drunk yesterday." "Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."

Score: 6

Why was the little strawberry crying? Because his mom was in a jam.

Score: 6

What’s the difference between a baby and a feminist? Eventually a baby will grow up and stop crying.

Score: 16

A man sits at a bar crying The barkeeper asks him: "Why are you crying?"
He answers:"My wife and I had an argue and she said she won't talk to me again for a whole year."
"That's terrible", the barkeeper replied.
The Man:"Worse, the year is over today!"

Score: 15

A horse walks into a bar The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

The horse starts crying. In between the sobs, he says "it's not my fault I look like Sarah Jessica Parker!"

Score: 4

What's it called when a 12 year old African boy that's crying? A mid-life crisis

Score: 8

Why wouldn't the four month old African stop crying? He was going through a midlife crisis

Score: 40

My girlfriend has been crying for hours now after the loss of a child. She takes The Sims very seriously.

Score: 23

A girl told me she liked teasing So we went into the bedroom and I told her that she had a weird, misshapen nose and she suddenly started crying.

Women and their mixed messages.

Score: 6

How do you want it die? Personally, i want to go out as my grandpa.

Peacefully in his sleep. Unlike his passengers, screaming and crying.

Score: 16

what do you call a 9 year old african boy crying on his knees Midlife crisis

Score: 21

Jimmy leaves for school today! The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

Score: 4

Why was the 6 month old African baby crying? (x-post from ImGoingToHellForThis) It was having a mid-life crisis.

Score: 10

Just saw a man crying because he doesn't know what a homophone is To comfort him I sat next to him, patted his back and said, "They're, their, there..."

Score: 13

Jimmy teacher and p*ssy The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!

Score: 4

A programmer gets home one day... ...and finds his wife crying. "Ever since we got married you've avoided this question. Now I want an answer: Do you really love me or did you just marry me so you won't be alone?"

So he replies: "Yes".

Score: 22

worried about my parrot... (sorry if repost) I'm really worried about my parrot.

He keeps saying, "I can't go on. I hate my life..."

My room-mate's to selfish to notice. He's always crying.

Score: 49