Daughter Jokes

I regret naming my daughter Alexa because of the popularity of the Amazon Echo. So we decided to change her name to something that will never be a popular word. We're trying to pick between Cortana and Bixby

A grandma is bragging to her daughter about new hearing aid that cost her $2000 The daughter asks "What kind is it?"

"It's 5:45 dear"

I asked my daughter if she had seen newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.

Today my daughter asked me, "Dad, how do stars die?" I replied , "Usually an overdose."

From my 8yo daughter. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because the ‘p’ is silent.

Edit: she thought she was funny, and I laughed. Wrong setup and all.

I told my daughter to give me my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school, and people nowadays use tablets, so she gave me her iPad. That fly didn't stand a chance

I was outside school last week. One of the other parents came over and asked me what year my daughter was in. I said "2017"

My daughter packed a light bulb in her lunch box this morning. I asked her, "why did you put that in there?"

She replied, "I want a light snack."

I let my brother name my twins. He did fine with my daughter, Denise. But my son may never forgive him for naming him Denephew.

Did you hear about the gummy bear with only one leg? He lost the other one in Nom.

<all credit to my daughter>

The magic word Daughter: Dad, do I get a new Iphone?
Dad: What's the magic word?
Daughter: Larissa!
Dad: Larissa??
Daughter: yes, your affair!
Dad: Do you want a cover with your Iphone too?

How did the farmer find his missing daughter? Tractor

My mum didn't think I’d give our daughter a silly name... ... but I called her Bluff.

After my mother’s funeral, we all went for lunch at an Indian restaurant. When the waiter came to check that we had everything on our order he noticed my daughter crying. He asked me what was wrong, I told him she was just missing her nan.

I never realised how close "f" and "t" were on the keyboard... ...not until I texted my wife and told her I'd tucked our daughter in, anyway.

My son Anakin loves that I named all of our children after Star Wars characters My daughter Chewbacca, however, is less thrilled.

Chuck Norris' Daughter Lost her Virginity ... he got it back

My daughter was trying to convince me that the dress she was going out in wasn’t inappropriate, but I saw right through it.

At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"
"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...
"I'm not . . . I'm her mother."

My daughter is considering getting a tattoo... She asked me what she should get. I told her to get a 4, so people would say what's that for.

You know, i never really thought our daughter would go farther than our son. Yeah, turns out trebuchets are superior to catapults after all.

I never really thought our son would get that far. Yeah, this catapult is amazing, go get our daughter

So my family and I go past a nursing home... There are balloons on the sign. My wife says "maybe someone had a birthday", my daughter says "maybe it's for a fundraiser", and then my son says "maybe someone they didn't like died and they are celebrating"

I went bowling with my daughter. Next time I'll just use a bowling ball.

An Indian woman jumps up mid flight and shouts 'is there a doctor on the plane?' A nice, serious guy approaches quickly and says 'i'm a doctor, what's the problem?'

She replies 'Would you like to meet my daughter?'

Joke from my daughter - "Knock Knock."
- "Who's There?"
- "I Did App."
- "I Did App Who?"
- *Breaks Out Laughing*

When daughter told me she prefers white rice over brown rice I was extremely disappointed. I didn't raise her to be a rice-ist.

How did the hamburger introduce his daughter? Meet Patty.

I still remember when my mom used to tuck me in as a kid. Man, she really wanted a daughter.

A girl gets home from school and is greetrd by her mother Mom: "What'd you do in school today?"

Daughter: "We learned all about the male reproductive organs"

Mom: "Oh, and what else?"

Daughter: "Well then we watched as the police came and took Mr. Brown away"

I asked my daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up. She looked at my wife and said "single."

What do you call a pig mixed with a centipede? Bacon and scrambled legs.

Courtesy of my 6 year old daughter. She said she made it up and I can't verify that but it cracked us up so I thought I'd share.

My 10-year old daughter just Dad joked me. She said she was leaving to get cigarettes and never came home.

My 9 year old daughter's joke Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have the guts.

Dad how are babies made? Dad: Daddy plants a seed in mums tummy.
Daughter: Does mummy swallow the seed?
Dad: Only if she wants new shoes

What do you give to an injured lemon? Lemon-aid.

Courtesy of my daughter.

Hey boss, whats the difference between this morning and your daughter? I am not coming in this morning.

When I look into my daughter's eyes, I realize what's truly important in life. Birth control.

I tried rocking my daughter to sleep She's not a big fan of Led Zeppelin, apparently.

21st century newspaper I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.'.
I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!

A little girl tells Mommy, "When I grow up, I wanna be a feminist." The mother looks to her sweet, little daughter and says, "Sweetheart, you're going to have to pick one or the other. You can't do both."

I remember when my mom use to tuck me in as a kid Man, she really wanted a daughter

My friend's daughter started to cry when she saw Bieber got shot in the TV show. My friend said to his daughter;

'Don't cry. He's not actually dead."

The girl said;

'That's why I'm crying!'

*Eminem walks into a bar with his daughter* Daughter : Two shots, please.
Eminem : You only get one shot!

My daughter told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. He wants to be a web developer.

So, I call into work and say to the boss: "What’s the difference between work and your daughter?!" "I'm not coming into work this morning!"

I saved my cannibal neighbor's daughter from drowning today. Her father was so grateful he gave me a hand shake. It had some chunks, but it was delicious.

I visited my new girlfriend's parents for the first time. "I hope we can find lots of things we have in common," her father told me.

"I know we already have one thing in common."

"What's that?" He asked.

"Your daughter calls us both Daddy."

For Halloween, our daughter is dressing up as joke telling jack-o'-lantern. She's our little pun-kin.

"It's what's on the inside that counts" I told my ugly daughter As I tried to explain to her how a calculator works.

She's also stupid.

I still remember when mom used to tuck me in as a kid Man she really wanted a daughter

Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she'd just Let It Go.

As told to me by my 5 year-old daughter

My teenage daughter is very odd She literally can't even.

How did the farmer find his daughter? He Tractor.

My 10 y/o daughter made this joke up on the way to school... What do you get when you cross Hitler with a fish? A-dolphin!

My daughter can be so cruel... Her: Hey dad, what is the difference between broccoli and boogers?

Me: I don't know, what?

Her (pointing at me): YOU, don't eat your broccoli!

What are you if you aren't European? Eurapoopin.

-my daughter

I hear the woman who gave her toddler Botox treatments lost custody because of it. Her daughter didn't look surprised.

I got a puppy for my daughter and a fur coat for my wife... ...best two trades I ever made.

I called in to work and asked my boss what the difference between work and his daughter was. I'm not coming into work this morning.