Hilarious Friend Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Friend Jokes

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat! In the end, he came around.

Score: 22838

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

Score: 16080

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!' 'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

Score: 15668

My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I said, “That’s Superman.” He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

Score: 14329

My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore. So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”

Score: 13265

My friend Dave drowned. At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It’s what he would’ve wanted.

Score: 12786

Score: 12208

I'm tired of all these forced gender neutral terms The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend

Score: 11550

My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend! Honestly, I should have seen the signs.

Score: 11403

My girlfriend is so smart! I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

Score: 10328

My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry" "...but you can't count Missouri twice."

Score: 9203

I have a Polish friend who is an audio engineer and a Czech one too. Czech one too.

Score: 8976

My friend's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, they asked if I wanna put my hand on the baby. Apparently they meant from the outside.

Score: 8052

Sir, your son was smoking marijuana at school during the class! Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.

-- Did he say where he got it?

-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.

The father, cleaning his tears:

-- Did he really say that?

Score: 7029

I asked my North Korean friend how he liked living there, He said he can't complain.

Score: 6839

A 60 years old billionaire came to the bar with his gorgeous 25 years old wife. Friend : How did you marry her?

Billionaire : I lied about my age.

Friend : You said 45?

Billionaire : No, I said 90.

Score: 6707

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

Score: 6263

A man goes on a date Friend: 'How did your date go?'

Man: 'I talked too much about my obsession with simplifying fractions'

Friend: 'That wasn't a very good idea'

Man: 'Yeah, well hindsight is 1'

Score: 4788

A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated. Edit: mother of three...
Edit: mother of two...
Edit: mother of one...

Score: 4684

My friend is really optimistic and is always telling me : "Cheer up, you could be in a deep hole filled with water..." I know he means well...

Score: 4322

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

Score: 3726

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water" I know he means well...

Score: 3122

I have an imaginary friend, but he keeps making fun of me. He keeps saying, “At least I have a real friend.”

Score: 3009

I was walking down the street with a friend and we saw two blind guys fighting We got closer and I said "My bet is on the one with the knife."
They both ran

Score: 2913

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat. In the end, he came around.

Score: 2780

My friend always tells me "cheer up, at least you aren't stuck in a deep hole full of water" I know he means well...

Score: 2753

A colon can completely change a sentence. Mary ate her friend's lunch.

Mary ate her friend's colon.

Score: 2643

My friend Tommy drowned the other day... At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.

It's what he would have wanted...

Score: 2629

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words... Lazy

Score: 2613

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear. I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

Score: 2539

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap He was high on my list of priorities

Score: 2531

If a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested you or you're level 99 friend-zoned. Or she hasn't spotted you behind the tree yet.

Score: 2267

I lied about my age A 60 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!

Friend: "How did she marry you?"

Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"

Friend: "You said 45?"

Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"

Score: 2184

When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet I thought I had made a new friend But then I saw the next two letters.

Score: 1935

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me. I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

Score: 1558

I should have known my friend was a communist. All the red flags were there.

Score: 1509

I gave my friend an elephant for his room. He told me "thank you."
I said "don't mention it."

Score: 1367

My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of irony... ...which was ironic because we were at a train station

Score: 1186

My friend told me I make him feel uncomfortable because I violate his personal space... It was a very hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

Score: 970

My friend really changed onced she decided to be a vegetarian It's like I've never known herbivore

Score: 963

New Friend Jokes

My friend Jack claims to be able to talk to vegetables. Jack and the beans talk.

Score: 140

How can you tell the difference between Japanese people and other Asian people? Use a Geiger counter

*Credit: my friend who has a lot of dark humour

Score: 139

What do you call a mouse on 2 legs Friend "i dont know"
Me "mickey mouse"
Me "what do you call a duck on 2 legs"
Friend "donald duck"
Me " all ducks idiot"

Score: 218

Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his best friend and his cooking pot... They’re both cauldron.

Score: 363

My friend died when he couldn't remember his blood type He kept saying "be positive", but it's hard without him.

Score: 454

My friend told me that onions are the only food that makes you cry So I broke his nose with a coconut.

Score: 207

My friend has been a limo driver for 20 years and has never had a customer. All this time and nothing to Chauffeur it.

Score: 787

An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever. His friend says, “Wow! That’s the best thing since bread.”

The inventor says, “Well, I’m about to blow your mind.”

Score: 254

I just found out my best friend is a communist. To be honest, I should have known. All the red flags were there.

Score: 637

I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet Whoops, E-Daisies

Score: 809

I have a friend who says that he hates all comforters. I told him that he shouldn't make blanket statements like that.

Score: 133

I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to buy meat for them. He asked: "By mistake?"

I said: "Oh come on, not you too!"

Score: 328

A couple of friends are drinking at a bar One friend spots a couple of old drunks at the end of the bar and says "that'll be us in ten years".

The other friend looks and says "That's a mirror dumbass".

Score: 130

My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise I'm so tired of these Dwight Supremacists

Score: 125

I asked my friend who works in google how it is out there ? He said " can't complain "

Score: 127

My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen He was charged for impersonating a police officer.

Score: 351

I went hiking today Me: That's a huge rock.

Friend: Boulder.

Me: **That's a huge rock.**

Score: 179

I added Paul Walker as a friend on Xbox live But all he ever does is hangout on the dashboard.

Score: 156

My friend, who's star sign was cancer, died very ironically. He was mauled by a giant crab.

Score: 387

My friend said he is 25% Puerto Rican... So he calls him self a Quarto Rican.

Score: 318

The women I meet in bars always have the worst pick up lines... They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”

Score: 353

My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it's literally just cheese with bacteria. I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.

Score: 126

I, too, have a Jewish friend, and he told me this one... What's the difference between a Jewish woman and a Latina?

A Latina has fake jewelry and real orgasms.

Score: 164

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed important to him that I have it.

Score: 298

My fat friend told me I have OCD. I told him he had OBCD.

Score: 227

The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend"… …is that little space in between we call the "Friend Zone".

Score: 189

My friend is quitting his job at the erectile dysfunction clinic... He hasn't gotten a raise in years.

Score: 145

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting." So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

Score: 273

If a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested in you or you're level 99 friend-zoned. Or she hasn't spotted you behind the tree yet.

Score: 136

I've decided to freeze myself at -273°C. My friend thinks I'll die, but I think I'll be 0K.

Score: 265

My friend David had his ID stolen. Now he's just Dav.

Score: 235

Me: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mark. Another friend: Since when was Mark your best friend?

Me: Since yesterday.

Score: 786

My friend keeps saying, "Cheer up man, things could be worse, you could be in an underground hole full of water." I know he means well

Score: 827

My friend is panicking because he is missing a puzzle piece for his 10,000 piece puzzle if he thinks that bad, I'm missing 9,999 pieces

Score: 247

Guy: Yesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend Mike. Guy 2: And since when is Mike your best friend?

Guy: Yesterday.

Score: 151

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill... A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.

I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

Score: 314

Girlfriend: "We're breaking up." Boyfriend: "Why?"

Girlfriend: "You're always playing video games."

Boyfriend: "This is a stupid thing to *Fallout 4*."

All Credit goes to my friend

Score: 171

My Chinese friend died the other day... So Yung.

Score: 402

A friend just called me to tell me he has changed his name to 'Spinal Column'. I asked if I could call him Back.

Score: 179

I was told by a female friend that I was being sexist and should look at things from a woman's perspective more often But I can't see very much from my kitchen window

Score: 164

My friend says he has the body of a Greek God... I had to explain to him Buddha wasn't Greek

Score: 639

My best friend is a very chill guy He's 0K

Score: 312

My friend asked me why would you chase a girl that already has a boyfriend? I replied I would rather compete against one guy than the whole world

Score: 364

I asked my friend from North Korea how life is He said he can't complain.

Score: 305

My friend said to me what rhymes with orange No. It doesn't.

Score: 302

My friend threw a can of coke at my head today... Luckily it was a soft drink.

Score: 586

When I saw the letters "HI" in the alphabet, I thought someone wanted to be my friend. Then I saw the next two letters.

Score: 946

My best friend got mad at me sniffing his sister's panties It didn't help that they were still on her. Or that all of his family was there too. Needless to say it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.

Score: 326

I asked my friend in North Korea how life was He said he can't complain

Score: 507

I asked my Mexican friend if he was upset about Trump's wall... He said, "Eh, I'll get over it."

Score: 480

I got an iPad from my chinese friend... I love homemade gifts!

Score: 700

Yesterday my Korean friend died... He was So Yung

Score: 196

My friend drowned. So at his funeral... ...we took a cake shaped like a life raft.

After all...It's what he would have wanted.

Score: 493

Me: Hello darkness my old friend Darkness: I have a boyfriend.

Score: 381

Why are there no coups in the US? It is the only country without a US embassy.

(heard from a Brazilian friend)

Score: 356

My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C Don't worry though, he's 0K.

Score: 426

I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying "I'm out for dinner with my friend Emma" because Emma was lying beside me in bed

Score: 130

My black friend asked me where to find the color copier I said it's 2015 and he can use whatever copier he wants to

Score: 562

Unfortunately I lost my Korean friend the other day. So Yung.

Score: 509

I had a friend from North Korea. When I asked him how the country was, he said, "I can't complain..."

Score: 228