Hilarious Head Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Head Jokes

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head? Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

Score: 21379

A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head." "The bad news is it's brain cancer."

Score: 6419

A mummy calls a restauraunt. - Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
- Could you spell it out, please?
- Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.

Score: 1957

An Australian bin man knocks at the door of a Chinese guy And asks 'where's ya bin mate'
The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!'
The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin'
The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been wanking'

Score: 1908

If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height? From my head, tomatoes.

Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.

Score: 1565

Score: 1505

What happened to king Henry the VIII’s wife’s head? (removed)

Score: 1294

I like my girls like I like my Dumbledore Head Masters

Score: 1094

A person with an art degree walks into a bar. They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.

Score: 1047

Yo mama so fat... I pictured her in my head and broke my neck.

Score: 952

What did the bra say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift

Score: 855

The French Revolution was pretty rough. Did you hear about what happened to Louis XVI's head? [Removed]

Score: 718

BOSS: I've called you here because I suspect one of you is an owl?

ME: Who?

*everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head is turned 180°*

Score: 713

Atheism and religion are two sides of the same coin One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales

Score: 605

My friend threw a can of coke at my head today... Luckily it was a soft drink.

Score: 586

Kid1: Hey Dad why am I called lily? Dad: Because a lily petal fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid2: Hey Dad why am I called rose?

Dad: Because a rose petal fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid3: herdurrrrahduhrgh#%*?

Dad: Shut up Cinderblock

Score: 539

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices in my head. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

Score: 487

Why are married women heavier than single women? When single women get home, they settle in, take a peek at what's in the fridge, and head for bed. When married women get home, they settle in, take a peek at what's in bed, and head for the fridge.

Score: 478

Dating women is like squaring numbers If they're under 15, just do them in your head.

Score: 462

"sometimes you just need a car ride to clear your head." - John. F. Kennedy

Score: 450

What does the bra say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift.

Score: 394

The blacksmith hires an apprentice He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.”

The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s the new village blacksmith

Score: 386

My mom said that if I don't get off the computer and do my homework she'll slam my head into the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfreoiwjr67uiwosi94ckcjfkdald87lakdofasdkfj

Score: 377

A woman walks into a butcher shop "How much for the pig's head?"

"Ma'am, that's a mirror"

Score: 340

If your boat turns upside down you can wear it on your head It's capsized.

Score: 315

Did you know that you can fit any boat on your head like a hat, if you flip it over? That makes it cap sized

Score: 299

Yesterday my dad told me if he saw me on the computer latenight again... He would smash my head into my keyHDJbdvxhjJDKLXUXBgshdjcmcnGxcNdnckcoNcbcjxndbcjcjkxndJdhhshdbdn

Score: 285

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

Score: 277

Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas, or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation

Score: 277

How did Isis move from 5th wanted terrorist group to the most wanted terrorist group? They cut a head

Score: 276

If I ever start to go bald I'll get a rabbit tattooed onto my head..
From a distance it would look like a hare

Score: 213

Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo "Head and Shoulders"... …have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."

Score: 204

In the hospital, I asked the charge nurse for a phone charger - she was very offended. Don't even get me started on the reaction from the head nurse.

Score: 192

My Dad had a headache the other day so I asked if he needed any pills. He said "The only pills that could have stopped this head ache should have been taken 16 years ago"

Score: 179

A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator... And a short man with dandruff gets on and then comes off on the next floor.

The brunette goes, "Wow, that guy could really use some Head and Shoulders."

The blonde says, "How do you give shoulders?"

Score: 133

How do Putin opponents commit suicide? Two bullets to the back of the head.

Score: 117

A book falls on Sean Connery's head "Well, I've only got my shelf to blame"

Score: 111

A person with a four year degree majoring in history walks into a bar. They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.

Score: 110

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares.

Score: 95

Asked 100 women what shampoo they were using. 2 said Head and Shoulders The other 98 replied "How did you get in here?"

Score: 92

New Head Jokes

I teased my dad about being bald, so he told me he was going to draw lots of rabbits on his head. From a distance they will look like hares.

Score: 15

You're gonna ask me why i have a sheep's skull on my bathroom scale, arent you? Weigh a head of ewe there.

Score: 14

Yesterday I heard a woman shouting on the street toward her boyfriend "All men are dogs" An old man popped his head out of the window and replied,

##"Who told you to try them all??"

Score: 22

What did Sean Connery say when he hit his head on some books? I only have my shelf to blame.

Score: 27

How many??? A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Score: 15

I saw a clickbait article: "Watch Eminem attack Trump like no President has ever been attacked." I mean... Kennedy was shot in the head... But ok.

Score: 91

What was the last thing that went through Joe's head when he jumped off a 10 story building? His legs.

Score: 20

I rang a local escort agency and asked for a BJ.... She put me through to their head office

Score: 82

Fish is swimming up river when he bumps his head. "Dam!"

Score: 17

I got hit on the head with a can of soda Luckily it was a soft drink.

Score: 60

I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I'm in whey over my head.

Score: 32

Why wouldn't JFK be a good boxer? He can't take a shot to the head....

Too soon?

Score: 21

What's orange, has a pointy head, and can take someone to the top? An upvote.

Score: 54

If you hear a supernatural voice in your head telling you to destroy statues of the Ten Commandments, you might be mentally ill. But if the voice tells you to create them instead, you might be Moses.

Score: 19

My wife threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at my head Don't worry though, my wounds were just super-fish-oil

Score: 32

A pirate walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey pirate, what's with the paper towel on your head?"

The pirate replies, "Arrr, I got a bounty on me head."

Score: 38

I’ve invented a new brand of cocaine that will literally blow your head off. I call it Kurt Cocaine.

Score: 15

Heard about the man with chronic dandruff who was attacked by a shark? They found his head and shoulders on the beach.

Score: 22

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? Doug

What do you call the same man without a shovel in his head?

Dougless

Score: 15

Why did the head banker get fired? He just lost interest in the job

Score: 18

If you like Pina Coladas... ... And getting songs stuck in your head.

Score: 51

I don't believe Chuck Norris is that great Cuz if he was, he would show up right now, and slam my head all over my keasdhjaiosdcnhq09w8hjkoldq0i9 wdhj09qw daU9 10Q9WDJ09W3Q21JD QWD

Score: 50

Don't be sad... Don’t be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that dogs can’t fly.

Score: 42

When a wife keeps her head on your chest and slowly asks "Dear, do have any woman in your life other than me"?

Remember answer is not important at this time..Important is heartbeats.

Score: 18

What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?... ...I can only blame myshelf.

Score: 56

When is a pixie not a pixie? When she's got her head down an elf's pants, then she's a goblin.

Score: 76

People always tell me I have schizophrenia But the voices in my head say otherwise

Score: 14

Pickup line: If I flip a coin.... What are the chances of me getting head? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Score: 22

Why do depressed girls give the best head? Because they are trying to choke themselves.

Score: 36

I'm very good at remembering random facts. For example, there are 3,500 different types of lice.

And that's just off the top of my head.

Score: 47

A psychiatrist and their patient were talking. Psychiatrist: Do you hear any voices in your head?

*tell him no.*

Patient: No.

Score: 16

Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour. It also gets you removed from your local gym.

Score: 14

Sherlock and Watson go to shoot up a school.. Watson: which part of the school shall we head to first sherlock?
Sherlock: Elementary my dear Watson.
[Please don't kill me for this]

Score: 18

My mom told me if i didnt get off the computer and do my homework she would bang my head against the keyboard I think she mighfkgk57mo58ktzsrazxv78p

Score: 16

Cowards are yellow, Russians are red, Mix them together, it's Trump's orange head.

Score: 19

What do you call it when a piano falls on a kids head? A flat minor

Score: 52

What goes "Chest, Chest, Chest, Chest"? A T Rex doing "Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes".

Score: 32

A rope orders a drink... But the bartender says, "We don't serve ropes here."

The rope goes outside, ties himself up, unravels one end, and goes back inside.

"Hey, aren't you that rope?" Says the bartender.

The rope shakes his head, "I'm frayed knot."

Score: 18

My first three wives... "The first two ate poisonous mushrooms.
The third one took a shot to the head."

"Oh my lord" my friend says, "that is awful, who shot her?"

"I did," I say,

"She wasn't eating the poisonous mushrooms"

Score: 17

What do you call someone who was dropped on their head as a baby? Hard to say- every one of them has their own pronouns now.

Score: 29

I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it "Go Fly!"
but it didnt fly.
Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings

Score: 44

Squaring numbers is just like girls If they're under 13, just do them in your head

Score: 25

A book fell on my head a moment ago... I can only blame my shelf.

Score: 63

A book just fell on my head! I guess I only got my shelf to blaim!

Score: 17

"Sometimes you just need to go for a drive to clear your head" -John F. Kennedy

Score: 14

my doctor said for every upvote this gets, i will lose one rib I only need 24 and then I can finally give myself head

Edit: chill guys extra upvotes are gonna start taking my organs

Score: 86

A recent study was released on head lice stating that 95% of lice populations are resistant to treatment. Scientists are scratching their heads trying to figure out how this happened.

Score: 20

You can reduce your weight by one simple exercise of shaking your head horizontally. Do it when you are offered food

Score: 22

So I decided to submit a joke about Ned Stark's head [Removed]

Score: 75

Two Men Were Hunting Buffalo One put his ear to the ground

He lifted his head up and said "Buffalo come"

The other said "How do you know?"

He said "ear sticky"

Score: 30

The one good thing about having a kid with Zika virus... even if he achieves major success in life, he'll never get a big head.

Score: 13

How do we know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment.

Score: 18

A nude man walks into a doctor's office. A nude man walks into a doctor's office wrapped in Cellophane from head to toe.

The doctor says, "Well, clearly I can see your nuts."

Score: 18

What's the difference between JFK and Bill Clinton? One got his head blown off, the other was assassinated

Score: 64

A class is learning about probability.. Teacher: If I toss a penny, what are the chances that I get a head?

Girl: For a penny? Not very bright.

Score: 59

Why couldn't JFK become a boxer? Why couldn't JFK become a boxer?

Because he couldn't take a shot to the head.

Score: 18

My Dad got a Chia Obama head a couple of years ago. The box said he would grow an afro, but nothing changed.

Score: 24

I don't like telling clever jokes about airplanes. They just go over my head.

Score: 28

Ok, so lets share our Christmas cracker jokes. Mine was awful. A bottle of lemonade fell on a barmans head. Why wasn't he hurt? It was a soft drink.

Score: 17

I was at the theatre seeing a tragedy and the man behind me started wailing. I got hit in the head with a harpoon.

Score: 14