How To Tell Jokes

My girlfriend's a pornstar. But for the life of me, I don't know how to tell her.

Do you know how to tell when your girlfriend is getting fat? When she fits in your wife's clothing.

How to tell ant gender Put the ant in water and if it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, boy ant.

“My wife’s identical twin sister is living with us till she finds a job” I said to my friend

He asked “ do you know how to tell them apart ?”

I remarked “ why should I ?”

How to tell if you are old? Pretend to fall down. If people laugh, you are not old yet.

Today, I became a father. I don't know how to tell my wife.

Do you know how to tell the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer? They taste different.

I don't know how to tell people this... But I want to be a translator.

How to tell someone they have a bad breath nicely ? "Oh boy I am bored lets brush our teeth"

How to tell a alligator from a crocodile One will see you later

do you know how to tell how heavy a red hot chili pepper is? you give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

How do you know who the most popular man at a nudist colony is? The one that can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts


How to tell who the most popular woman is?
The one that can eat the last donut

How to tell if an orange likes to party Just Invitamin-C.

A friend who works for FedEx told me how to tell a decent joke. It's all about the delivery.

How to tell an ant’s gender Put it in water. If the ant sinks its girl ant. If it floats its buoyant.

How to tell the difference between a bad, a good and an excellent accountant ? When you ask them "2+2 is ?":

- The bad accountant will say "5"

- The good accountant will say "4"

- The excellent accountant will say "how much do you want?"

My buddy Brian had a kid a few years ago. He comes to me this summer and he goes... "Man, my son just flunked the third grade. I don't know how to tell him he will be held back a year."

I was like, "I guess you better tell him slowly so that he will get it."

How to tell the difference between a Crocodile and a Alligator Well one you see in a while, and the other you see later.

How to tell a difference between a Politician and chemistry nerd? Ask them to read the word- "unionized"

I wrote a book about how to tell a believable joke story and I'm selling it on Amazon But nobody buys it.

Do you know how to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? Just pay attention to whether you see them later or after a while.

How to tell if a Japanese restaurant is authentic? The menu will be written in Times New Ramen

How to tell the difference between a sumo wrestler and a feminist blogger? Sumos shave their legs...

How to tell what part of Washington you're in: Forest is west, desert is east... Swamp is DC.

How to tell if someone has Rhotacism? Ask them to pronounce it.

How to tell a kid he's adopted **Dad**: > Son, do we have any dop ted??

**Son**: > Dad, what's a dop ted?

**Dad**: > You are.

How to tell a chemist from plumber? Ask them to pronounce *unionized*.

Marylanders: Do you know how to tell the difference between male and female Chesapeake blue crabs ? The female will tell you how to eat her.

Do you know how to tell when you're really fat? When you fall from both sides of your bed at the same time

How to tell an Irishman from a Scotsman on St. Patrick's day? One wants to stay drunk all the time and the other doesn't want to pay the tab.

I only know how to tell self-deprecating jokes... but they all suck.

How to tell an estate agent is lying? Their lips will be moving.

My friend told me this great joke about neutrinos, but I can never remember how to tell it. It went in one ear and out the other.

I don't know how to tell my future child That zoomers doesn't mean the generation that learned through zoom

How to tell the difference between a cucumber and a sea cucumber? Ask it, if you drown - it's a sea cucumber. If you still alive - you're talking to a vegetable.

Who knows how to tell when it's midnight on an analogue clock? Hands up.

My niece is trying to learn how to tell jokes Knock knock

Who's there?

Butterfly

Butterfly who?

Butterfly stinking all over the place.

I want to share this great joke about time But I'm not sure how to tell it.

It was my very first day as a bartender. A man comes up to bar and says, "I'll take a dry martini."

I look at all the drinks behind the counter, then look back at him and say, "I don't know how to tell you this..."

How to tell if someone is a millennial? It’s like ..really easy like…you just like…listen and ….like…you just kinda..know like…that you are like , a millennial. Know what I mean?