Hilarious Kid's Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Kid's Jokes

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?" I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

Score: 14161

Spanking your own kids is already low but if you spank someone else's kid you've hit a new bottom

Score: 12433

Gordon Ramsey just had his 5th kid.. At least he likes at least one thing raw.

Score: 11012

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas... FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

Edit: For those worried about the kid, it's ok. He was an adopted ginger, so no big deal.

Score: 10835

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

Score: 9475

I named my kid Bob Ross He was a happy little accident.

Edit: Wooo! Front page! I was not expecting that. I woke up today and saw a k after the amount of upvotes I was expecting. Thanks!

Score: 8046

You know you’re a 90s kid when... your vaccinations were mandatory and no one in your class got measles.

Score: 7812

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground. So I threw mine on the ground, too

Score: 5619

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago? I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

Score: 4514

Two kids were talking... Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin

Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night!

Kid 1: Lies!

Kid 2: Ask your sister.

Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!

Kid 2: You will in about nine months!

Edit: Thanks for the support guys!

Score: 3733

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage Kid: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

Edit: Holy Moley guys! Thanks for getting me on first page! Much love and I promise I'll bring you more good jokes ;)

Score: 2842

Dad: I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage Kid: Why are you doing that?
Dad: So you don't get bored there.

Score: 2686

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?" Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

Score: 2493

"One mans trash is another mans treasure" is a great quote but, its not the best way to tell your kid that hes adopted.

Score: 2140

Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway! The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

Score: 1967

What do Jewish pedophiles say? “Hey kid, want to buy some candy?”

Score: 1948

My kid says he came up with this one: A guy goes to interview for IKEA... The manager says “Welcome! Come in and make a seat.”

Score: 1884

My dad was always drunk when I was a kid The punchline?

It was my mom, then my sister, then me

Score: 1740

Remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents said, "I'll give you a reason to cry"? I always thought they were gunna hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

Score: 1739

When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend But it was just my imaginasian.

Score: 1674

Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got

Score: 1635

Kid: "mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?" Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.."

Score: 1582

"One man's trash is another man's treasure." is one way to tell your kid that they're adopted.

Score: 1518

Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US... ... will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.

Score: 1461

Kid 1: "Hey I bet you're still a virgin " Kid 2: "Yeah I was a virgin until last night"

Kid 1: "As if"

Kid 2: "Yeah just ask your sister"

Kid 1: "I don't have a sister"

Kid 2: "You will in about nine months"

Score: 1448

True story: My wife told me after our first kid “I don’t think I’ll ever get down to my original weight.”

Me: “I’m glad you’re finally thinking straight, after all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.”

She still doesn’t think it was funny years later.

Score: 1331

When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead

edit: woohoo #1

Score: 1212

Abortions are so fun It really brings out the kid in you

Score: 1207

KID : What are condoms used for? DAD : To avoid such questions.

Score: 1089

I stole a stripper's kid. It was like taking baby from a Candi.

Score: 1033

What did the father say when he was killing his kid with a vacuum? Dyson.

Score: 797

A joke my dad used to tell me when I was a kid I love you.

Score: 794

When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'. I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"

Score: 737

Chinese kid was born before the due date Parents named him Sudden Lee.

Score: 629

I saw a kid getting beaten up by 4 gang members, so I helped out. He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.

Score: 615

What is it called when two redheads have a kid? Ginger bred

Score: 575

The kid next door challenged me to a water fight. I thought I'd post this while the water boils.

Score: 451

When I was a little kid, I was afraid of the dark. But then I grew up and saw the electricity bill.

I'm now afraid of light.

Score: 433

I was at an atm and some little kid asked me to help him check his balance ... So I pushed him over

Score: 355

A kid takes a taxi home while he eats a chocolate bar.... Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!

Kid: My grandfather lived 108 years.

Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?

Kid: No, minding his own business.

Score: 340

New Kid's Jokes

What do you call a kid with no legs and one eye? Names.

Score: 27

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a banker when I grew up. ...but I lost interest

Score: 33

Kid says to his mom: "I wish I was never born, my life is a joke!" She replies: "And the delivery was awful!"

Score: 27

Swimming pool I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, “HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!”

I replied “Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!”

“Yes, but not from the high dive!”

Score: 141

It's the year 2295... Dude: I'm a classically trained guitarist.

Neo-90s Kid: Radical!

Dude: So anyway, here's Wonderwall.

Score: 28

Why did the kid drown in school? He got below C level grades.

Score: 28

A kid loses his glasses and falls down a well... Too bad he couldn’t see that well.

Score: 65

I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid, but my mom told me the sky is the limit.

Score: 261

What do you call it when a kid teaches their parents? Learning from your mistakes.

Score: 103

Phantom Pregnancy I recently learned that goats can have what's called a "phantom pregnancy." It's when their body thinks it's pregnant when it isn't.

I kid you not.

Score: 55

I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance I told her thank you I did gymnastics as a kid.

Score: 133

Can someone explain this joke my dad told me? My dad told me there was a joke inside of the mirror but all I ever see is that one kid he always hates and gets mad at.

Score: 51

When I was a kid, I found a bottle of vodka someone had left at the treehouse at the playground. So I took it to the police station. The police told me not to worry. They would get to the bottom of it.

Score: 57

Earlier today I saw 4 guys beating this kid up in an alleyway, so I decided to help. He had no chance against the 5 of us.

Score: 64

My kid made this one up: How do you make Swiss cheese? With a holey cow.

Score: 286

I passed a kid sat on the side of the road dressed in rags earlier. I asked him, "Are you an orphan?"

He replied, "Yes. What gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents."

Score: 200

Why do kids hate coffee, but adults enjoy it? Because, when you're a kid, coffee is the bitterest experience you've had in life.

Score: 129

A kid and a clown are walking through the woods. The kid looks around and says, "man these woods sure are scary"

The clown replies, "you're telling me I have to walk out of here alone."

Score: 149

Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases One kid wrote:

1. HIV, AIDS
2. Cancer
3. /

The teacher asked what's '/' ?

Student replied it's a stroke.

Score: 82

How do you get an emo kid out of a tree? You cut the rope

Score: 83

As a kid I was made to walk the plank... We couldn't afford a dog

Score: 156

I still remember when my mom used to tuck me in as a kid. Man, she really wanted a daughter.

Score: 37

My kid grew a foot in the last month. Anyone know where I can buy shoes in sets of three?

Score: 43

Why did Sean Connery hire a special kid to clean his kitchen? He had Dish-abilities

Score: 27

I saw a kidnapping in the park Pretty soon a policeman was there, he told the kid he's not allowed to sleep there.

Score: 60

Kid: I played with grandpa today! Mom *angry*: I told you not to dig in the sandbox!

Score: 41

What do you call the kid who finally stepped up to his bullies? An ambulance

Score: 38

A kid asked his cheap dad for $5 "$4? What do you need $3 for? I've only got $2. Here's $1"

Score: 42

Trump pulls out of Paris. Probably for the best... can you imagine how narcissistic that kid would be?

Score: 166

Dark humor never gets old. Kinda like a kid with cancer.

Score: 27

First Day At School The child comes home from his first day at school.

His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

Score: 117

What is it called when a kid refuses to sleep during nap time? Resisting a rest.

Score: 103

I saw a kid being beat up by 4 adults and tried to help. Kid couldn't stand for long against 5 adults.

Score: 112

I got my kid a puppy as a gift, but it died before Christmas... Now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

Score: 103

My father always said I was a bright kid... So bright in fact, he always called me son

Score: 46

What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas? We don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.

Score: 26

Why do abortion jokes make you laugh so much? Because they bring out the kid in you.

Score: 33

There's this wheelchair bound kid that gets bullied alot. It's really sad cause he can't seem to stand up for himself.

Score: 62

The other day I saw 4 gang members beating up a kid. So I decided to step in. He didn't stand a chance against 5 of us.

Score: 55

Mommy, why is daddy bald? "Its because he thinks a lot sweetheart"

The kid stared at his mom for a minute and asked

"is that why you have a lot of hair?"

Score: 49

Why are abortion clinics like a trip to Chuck E Cheese? It brings out the kid in you

Score: 85

What did the fat kid get for his Birthday? Bullied

Score: 231

The German dream The teacher is talking about the American Dream in class and then asks the one German kid if they had a German dream. He responds, "We did, but nobody liked it."

Score: 307

I once knew a Muslim kid that was notoriously late for everything. I called him 9/12

Score: 152

My friend just came to me all depressed because his kid’s failing 3rd grade, and he doesn’t know how to break it to him. Apparently “slowly” wasn’t the advice he was looking for.

Score: 122

When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was... She said: 'Oh, two or three'.

Now, she wonders why her marriage didn't work.

Score: 26

Complaint from 3017: These children's long-term zero gravity soccer leagues are raising weak adults. Every kid gets atrophy.

Score: 31

"One mans trash is another mans treasure" Is a good quote... But apparently its not the best way to tell your kid he's adopted.

Score: 127

When I was a kid, I had a lemonade stand. I'd give away the first glass for free and charge $20 for the second. The refill contained the antidote.

Score: 175

Dark humour is like a kid with cancer It never gets old

Edit:
Credits to /u/CookieDestroyer66
He da real MVP.

Score: 63

How do you know if a woman uses a vibrator when pregnant The kid stutters

Score: 87

I asked my mom why she forced me to go to to singing lessons as a kid She said singing is a skill I need to a choir.

Score: 40

What does an Indian kid say before leaving his house for the day?.. Mumbai

Score: 62

This person told me "When pigs fly I'll get my kid vaccinated!" Alas, swine flu.

Score: 166

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When I was a little kid, my dad would swear then say "Excuse my French" One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand

Score: 31

When I was a little kid, I had this friend that was always counting. I wonder what he's up to these days.

Score: 75

Where did the ADHD kid spend his summer? (Dark) At a concentration camp.

Score: 57

You can make fun of Kim and Kanye's kid all you want... But that kid is going nowhere but up... And slightly to the left.

Score: 26

A black boy asks his white parents "Daddy why are your and mommy's faces so bright if mine is so dark?" says the kid. The dad looks at him and goes: "Jimmy the party was so wild you should be happy you're not barking now".

Score: 34