Hilarious Leaves Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Leaves Jokes

With the rise of self-driving vehicles... With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too

Score: 12715

Score: 3470

My town's population never changes Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

Score: 2574

Why does Britain like tea so much? Because tea leaves.

Score: 1742

Two introverts walk into a room... One leaves

Score: 1187

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement, Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

Score: 814

Pavlov is sitting at a bar... ...when another patron walks in and a bell on the door rings. Pavlov stands up, says, "I forgot to feed the dogs," and leaves.

Score: 808

Yttrium-barium-copper oxide walks into a bar The bartender tells him, "We don't serve superconductors here."

He leaves without resistance.

Score: 552

With the rise of self driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time... Until there's a country song where the guy's truck leaves him.

Score: 499

When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When he leaves you and never comes back.

Score: 378

What's my dog's favourite part of the tree? The bark.

What's my bank's favourite part of the tree?

The branches.

What's my elephant's favourite part of the tree?

The trunk.

What's my father's favourite part of the tree?

The leaves :(

Score: 344

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you behind and never comes back.

Score: 336

You know the times have changed... When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.

Score: 295

What’s the best way to overcome depression? Love it, so it leaves you as well.

Score: 230

A programmer goes on a walk A programmer goes on a walk. Before he leaves the house his wife tells him: "While you are outside, please buy some bread."

He never returned.

Score: 224

When does a joke become a Dad Joke? When it leaves you and doesn't come back.

Score: 203

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

Score: 200

Why does the population of Detroit never change? Because as soon as a baby is born, some guy leaves town.

Score: 191

A programmer's wife tells him as he leaves the house: "While you're out, buy some milk." He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.

Score: 187

When does a joke become a dad joke When it leaves and never comes back

Score: 176

What do you call a man having a seizure in a pile of leaves? Russell.

Score: 162

With self-driving cars it won’t be long before we have country songs where your truck leaves you too.

Score: 154

Old Soviet joke People are waiting in a long line like to buy vodka. Finally one alcoholic snaps and screams - 'I can't take it, I'll go kill Gorbachev!' And leaves the store. 10 minutes later he come back and says. 'The line to kill Gorbachev is even longer.'

Score: 129

The tea and coffee are married, but the tea leaves. Does that give the coffee grounds for divorce?

Score: 127

A girl walks into a dry cleaner She goes inside to drop off her blouse. Before she leaves the owner says, "Come again!". The girl replied, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

Score: 125

What does a tree do when he's going on a vacation? He packs his trunk and leaves.

I should go back to studying now. K bye.

Score: 117

Have you heard about the new super sensitive condoms? They hang around after the guy leaves and talk to the woman.

Score: 109

I bought my wife a mood ring. Found out if she's in a good mood it turns green.

If she's in a bad mood it leaves big red circles on my forehead.



Score: 101

A man who passes away leaves $125 million to help the visually impaired. They never found it.

Score: 98

Username walks into a hotel... And asks for a room. A few days later he leaves.

I guess you could say,

Username checks out.

Score: 98

How do they test the "Tickle me Elmo Doll"? Before it leaves the factory, they give it two testickles.

Score: 73

Do you know how the blonde broke her arms? She fell out of the tree while she was raking leaves

Score: 69

A guy walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go The coffee gets up and leaves

Score: 60

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband... Wife: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!

Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.

Score: 38

Americans may pull guns but Canadians.... ..may pull leaves.

Score: 31

A girl walks into the dry cleaner. She drops off her blouse and leaves. The owner says, "Come again!". She replies, "No, this time it's toothpaste."

Score: 30

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't make that here." Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.

He gets up and leaves.

He takes a seat and orders a Polynesian Pearl Diver.

Score: 21

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing in a pile of leaves? Rustle

Score: 15

The tachyon leaves. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." A tachyon walks into a bar.

Score: 14

What does the Tickle-Me Elmo get before he leaves the factory? Two test-tickles...

Score: 13

New Leaves Jokes

Give the leaves some privacy! Can't you see they're changing?

Score: 2

Do you know how much space will be free when England leaves the European Union? 1 GB

Score: 4

The search continues for the oldest tree in the world. Experts are stumped.

*takes donut and leaves the room*

Score: 4

President Trump really shot himself in the foot with the Ukraine call. He's now Biden his time til he leaves office.

Score: 2

What does a southern sheep say when it leaves? Baaaaaa

Score: 2

A panda is finishing up his meal at a restaurant. When he is handed the bill, he pulls a deagle and nails the waiter in the stomach. He proceeded to walkout of the restaurant. What did you expect, they eat, shoots and leaves.

Score: 3

Never high five jake Paul He leaves Asians hanging.

Score: 3

A knight is called to war by his liege Before he leaves he puts a chastity belt on his wife, locks it and trusts his stewart with the key.

Just as he was about to leave the stewart comes running towards him

"Sir, you left me the wrong key!"

Score: 8

A man goes into a flower shop He looks around for a while, but can only see petals and leaves.

So he asks the woman at the till, "Can you actually sell me any complete flowers today?"

"No" she says, "we're out of stalk."

Score: 10

A man leaves his bacon sandwich at home before going to work He asks his wife to bring it to him. She didn’t, because it wasn’t her responsiBLT

Score: 3

Why doesn't Logan Paul high five Ricegum? Because he leaves asians hanging

Score: 6

Why is the panda so likely to shoot up a restaurant? He eats shoots and leaves.

Score: 4

What’s the difference between a panda and a cop in an ethnic restaurant? A panda eats chutes and leaves. The cop eats, shoots and leaves.

Score: 9

What's the difference between a British and a Jew? The British leaves and doesn't say goodbye, the jew says goodbye and doesn't leave.

Score: 2

In the middle of a very important Overwatch meeting, Reinhardt abruptly gets up and leaves Another member asks him where he's going.

"I have been called. I must answer. Always."

"Who called?"

"Nature."

Score: 2

Did you know that women on average only get paid 73 cents to ever dollar a man makes? That’s not fair, it only leaves the man with 27 cents!

Score: 7

Raking leaves sucks... ...but the alternative blows.

Score: 2

What's the difference between Santa and the Jews? Santa leaves presents behind before he goes out the chimney

Score: 2

What did the ear of corn say when he lost his leaves? Schucks!

Score: 6

What’s the last thing a gardener does? Leaves...

Score: 3

A joke walks into the bar He starts aggressively drinking until he starts puking all over the bar.

After the he finally leaves, the bar tending looks around at all the mess and mumbles,

"Man, that was a pretty sick joke."

Score: 12

Why is Hitler like solving the equation (x/10^6)=-6 for X? The final solution leaves you with - 6,000,000

Score: 3

Why did the blonde die while raking leaves? She fell out of the tree

Score: 3

A Bachelor is like a new detergent it works fast and leaves no ring.

Score: 2

Did you know that when leaves fall off of trees in the Autumn, it's because of nostalgia? They're trying to get back to their roots.

Score: 7

Why do scientists think messenger RNA hates Polyadenylation? Because the RNA leaves going AAAAAAA!

Score: 2

I didn't get the one about the person who never leaves their house Must be an inside joke.

Score: 2

A man suffering from Alzheimer's leaves a bakery... ...and as he walks out the door the baker yells 'You forgotch'ya focaccia!'

(came from a dream i had. the GF insists its terrible but ill keep using it when i introduce it to her friends)

Score: 4

What's a man with no arms or no legs in a pile of leaves called? Russell.

Score: 4

Why did the giraffe go off eating acacia leaves? He had an elevated palate.

The second joke I have made up!

Score: 2

Fog father leaves his fog family He is heavily mist

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Never marry a nymphomaniac Because after a few years, the nympho leaves but the maniac doesn't

Score: 12

What does Monica Lewinsky going to the oval office and you cashing your paycheck have in common? In both cases somebody leaves with a hand full of Bills.

Score: 2

My lover always dresses as a panda when we are in bed Unfortunately, I don't think we'll last; he just eats shoots and leaves.

Score: 4

An 'Elephant's Ear' is a plant with big glossy leaves Oh, wait, this is /r/jokes, sorry.

I guess that's ear-elephant.

Score: 2

Do YOU appear as water droplets? Are YOU found on grass, leaves, and window ledges in the morning?

If so, you may be dew condensation!

Score: 6

Difference between drugs and love? One leaves you dead. One leaves you wanting to die.

Score: 3

Why don't you want a panda in your restaurant? Because it eats, shoots, and leaves.

Score: 2

A customer leaves a review at a German restaurant. The review: It's not bad, it's the wurst!

Score: 3

A panda bear with a gun walks into a pub and orders some food. He eats, shoots and leaves

Score: 4

Donald Trump, a Russian spy and corrupt politician walk into a bar.. He quickly turns around and leaves, saying "What was i thinking?? I don't even drink alcohol!"

Score: 5

All men want to marry a nymphomaniac... Problem is, after a few years the nympho leaves and the maniac stays

Score: 2

How does a panda do a one night stand? Eats, shoots, and leaves.

Score: 4

What is the fist thing Trump will say after he leaves office. I am innocent i swear!

Score: 2

Confucius say, Man who pull out too fast, leaves rubber behind.

Score: 3

An oak tree walks into a bar. Nuts on a woman, barks something inappropriate, and leaves.

Score: 8

Why are leaves bad material for parachutes? because they don't survive the fall (autumn)

Score: 3

A Font Designer and a Police Officer Walk Into a Bar... The font designer leaves sans sheriff.

Score: 4

What do you call a guy with no limbs in a pile of leaves? Russell

Score: 2

What do you call a bowl full of leaves and epileptics? Seizure Salad.

Score: 8

A panda is the greatest restaurant assassin. It eats shoots and leaves.

Score: 3

A serial killer leaves his mark on his victims by cutting off their left hand and right leg. Authorities say something sinister is afoot.

Score: 4

Jimmy leaves for school today! The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

Score: 4

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russell

Score: 4

I don't know why Chic-Fil-A is so popular... Their food always leaves a fowl taste in my mouth.

Score: 4

Little Johny in School :D The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

Score: 1

Jimmy teacher and p*ssy The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!

Score: 4

What do you call a man with no arms or legs playing in the leaves? Russell.

Score: 6

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing around in a pile of leaves? Russel.

Score: 5

Whats the last thing you give a tickle me elmo before it leaves the factory? Two test-tickles.

Score: 6