Hilarious Lights Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Lights Jokes

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home. My lighthouse, my rules.

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I bought a box of condoms earlier today The cashier asked if I'd like a bag. I said nah, I'll just turn the lights off.

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If you ever feel lonely... just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.

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There's no reason to be tailgating me when I'm doing 50 in a 35... ...and those flashing lights on your car look stupid.

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It's 364 days until christmas. And people already have their lights up!

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I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.

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I'm tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment I did it once and killed a cyclist.

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The pessimist sees a dark tunnel... The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel
... and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.

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My daughter always said she wanted to see her name up in lights... You should've seen the smile on her face when she turned to look at me and say:

"Daddy, what's an 'Amber Alert'?"

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A state trooper lays in wait at a speed trap... and spots a speeder.

He flashes his lights, pulls the car over, walks up to the driver and says, "I've been waiting for you all day."

The driver responds, "I got here as fast as I could."

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I put a bumper sticker on my car that says "honk if I'm pretty" Sometimes when I'm sad I go park at green lights

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Met a Dwarf Today.... This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

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A police officer turned on his lights, pulled me over, walked to my window and said "papers?" I looked at him with a smile and said "Scissors, I win." and drove off.
I think he wants to do best out of 3 because he's been chasing me for an hour.

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If someone broke into my house and stole all the lights... I'd be absolutely delighted

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Chicken and an egg A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken lights up a cigarette. The egg, with a dissatisfied look on it's face, rolls over and remarks, "Well, I guess we answered that question."

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The pessimist sees the dark tunnel. The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.

The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel.

And the engineer sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

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I crashed into a dwarf at some traffic lights He got out of his car and said "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

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Sir you don't need to be tailgating me I'm already going 55mph in a 35mph zone And the lights on top of your car look ridiculous

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I have created the only non-racist Chinese joke. So I went to Chinatown today. There were too many bright lights. I asked them to dim sum.

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Why do stop lights turn red? You would turn red too if you had to change in front of everybody.

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Why hasn't Peru adopted LED lights yet? Because they are proud of their incan descent.

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How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb? Don't know, the baby boomer that has the job now can't retire because they never saved anything and millennials all have LED lights that last longer.

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If you ever feel lonely. Just dim the lights and watch a couple of horror movies. After a while, you won’t feel like you’re alone anymore.

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[Nerd Joke] Yo momma's so fat she sees red lights as green... ...Doctors call this colour blindness, physicists call it gravitational blue-shift.

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Getting tired of these people who come to my door, telling me I'm gonna burn unless I'm saved... The flashing lights on their trucks were pretty cool to see, though.

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Firetruck game Boy: Lets play the firetruck game.

Girl: How do you play?

Boy: I run my fingers up your leg, and you say, "red light" when you want me to stop.

Girl: Okay :)

*Few seconds later*

Girl: RED LIGHT!!

Boy: Firetrucks don't stop for red lights ;)

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What do Chinese restaurants do when their lights are too bright? Dim sum

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There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable....

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What do Christmas lights and Jeffrey Epstein have in common? They don’t hang themselves.

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A chicken and an egg are laying in bed... When the chicken sits up, lights a cigar and says " Well I guess that answers that question."

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I noticed a car following me on my drive home I don't know why they thought they'd get away with it, the flashing lights made it really obvious.

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The lights at the Chinese restaurant were too bright... ... so the manager had to dim sum

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A boy meets an astrologer The Astrologers predicts that the boy will die soon.

Disheartened he walks into his professor and turns off all the lights; but why?

Because he knew, with no light; the professor's pupils will dilate.

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I was buying a 12 pack of condoms earlier. The cashier asked if I'd like a bag, I said "Nah, I'll just turn the lights off".

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What do you do if there are too many bright lights at your Chinese restaurant? Dim some

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This morning on the way to work I wasn't paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights. The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf. The dwarf said "I'm not happy." I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

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Say "Rise Up Lights" out loud You just said "Razor Blades" in an Australian accent

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The pessimist sees a dark, dark tunnel. The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. The realist sees TWO lights at the end of the tunnel, and the engineer sees a bunch of idiots standing on the tracks.

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A guy goes to a cardiologist and says, "I think I am a moth" The doctor replies, "I think you should visit the psychiatrist, why have you come to me?"

The guys says, "Because your lights were on."

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New Lights Jokes

What would a Sith Lord with a lisp say if lights went out in a shopping complex ? "I'm in a Darth Maul"

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How does a deaf couple end an argument? When one turns out the lights.

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What happens if you keep your Christmas lights up after New Years in West Virginia? Mothman steals them and takes them to his cave.

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I got these lights that you clap to turn on/off my parents in the locked room love them.

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A new programmer on the job goes to his boss. "How should I name my variables? Do I use all small letters, and separate words with underscores?"

The boss thinks for a moment, lights up a cigarette, and says, "No, that's not the case."

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Two old ladies were driving through town The passenger was shocked that her friend went through three red lights in a row. She finally spoke up: “Rose, do you realize you ran three red lights?” Rose said “Oh my. Am I driving?!?”

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What do Christmas lights have in common with jeffery Epstein They dont hang themselves

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I have a growing addiction of speeding through red lights There's just no signs of stopping.

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Priests should be called night lights... cause little kids turn them on.

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Bed time at the nunnery Mother superior calls out;

“Remember girls, it’s lights out by 11, Candlesticks out by 11:30

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What do you do when an epileptic is taking a bath? Throw in your laundry in and switch on and off the lights.

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People who use sign language are the modern day Naruto Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Just switch off the lights.

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If it wasn't for the sun and electricity it would be lights out for everyone

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This guy tried to sell me his idea of a cricket field lit by LED lights. It was an interesting pitch.

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Did you know people in Russia are sexually attracted to light? In Soviet Russia, lights turn YOU on!

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I like dark humor So I turn off the lights while reading presidential tweets.

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Two cops speeding to an incident The officer driving asks his partner to check if the lights on the roof are working.

His partner sticks his head out of the window and then replies,

"......yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no......"

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When the lights go out I can’t help but feel powerless.

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At night after a long power outage, the lights finally came back on in Charlize Theron's house. When the lights returned, her housekeeper exclaimed:

Charlize, they're on!

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A chicken and an egg are laying in bed. The eggs lights a cigarette and says... "Well, I guess we answered that question"

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My lights went out frequently as a child. I didn't have a very bright future

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I like my women like I like my lights Easy to turn on.

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I saw some tiny yet super-bright lights -- so pretty I wanted to eat them! But I didn't. I was afraid I would get LED poisoning.

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The dwarf This morning on the way to work I wasn't really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.
The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

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What does a miser do when it gets cold? He huddles around a candle.

What does he do when it gets *really* cold?

He lights the candle.

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Tommy asks the teacher..." how is it possible to eat lights"? Teacher replies"Tommy, why do you ask that"? .. to which Tommy remarks.."last night while i walked past my parents room i heard my dad tell my mom to get the light because he was gonna eat that thang".....

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Paddy was speeding down the motorway When the blue lights of the police appeared in his rear view mirror.

Pulling him over, the police man said "I've been waiting for you all day!"

Paddy replies "well, I got here as fast as I could!"

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The fire truck game Boy : let's play the fire truck game.
Girl : how do we play?
Boy : I run my fingers up your leg and you say " Redlight" when you want me to stop.
Girl : okay.

(Few seconds later)
Girl: redlight
Boy : fire truck don't stop for red lights.

LOL

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An egg and a Chicken are lying in bed... The egg lights a cigarette and says "well that answers that old question"

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The light at the end of the tunnel, Are the front lights of a train.

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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Credit to Steven Wright.

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How do you win a late night argument with your deaf wife? You turn off the lights.

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A man goes to an orthopedic and tells him: "Doc, I think I'm a moth" The doctor responds: "Well, in that case a psychiatrist may be able to help you better."

Man: "I know, but I saw you're lights were on!"

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Was driving home earlier and I saw all the christmas lights up and I was a little sad because, those lights are expensive, and there are homeless people everywhere. They'd look so much more festive wearing those lights.

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What do they owners of a Chinese Food restaurant do if the lights are too bright? Dim Sum.

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What should you do if you see your TV floating? Turn on the lights and shoot the black guy.

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How many boxers does it take to change a light bulb? One. They're used to having their lights knocked out.That joke turned dark fast. I'll see myself to my respective corner.

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Christmas comes earlier every year. There's 364 days until Christmas and my neighbors already have their lights up.

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A joke that my 7 year old daughter told me. What do you call a toy that lights up? A toilet

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How does a bass player turn off the lights before bed? He closes the car door.

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