Lottery Jokes

At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.” “Great,” he said “ I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.

What has 6 balls and rapes retards? The lottery.

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

I won the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. I now have $999,999.75

If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative... Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!

Husband says to his wife "what would you do if I won the lottery?" She replied "I'd take the half and leave you."

"great" he said,

"I won 12$, here's 6$, stay in touch."

I won $3 million on the Lottery this weekend. I decided to donate a quarter of it to Charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75 and she has $.25

I won $3 Milllion on the lottery I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75 left.

My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible. I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!

I asked my wife what she will do when I won the lottery. She said ''Divorce you and take half'' I said ''I won $10, here's 5 and there is the door."

My girlfriend asked me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" And I answered: "Of course! I'd miss you, but I still love you"

A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

My wife died and I won the lottery. The genie says I have one wish left.

My wife said "If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds. I figured why wait, so surprised her that night..... ... with a shiny new bathroom scale.

If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to share it with everyone. Not the money, just going to let you know that I've won.

In honor of the Powerball A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery? ...when he found out, the guy went nut.

A man comes home from work and tells his wife "Pack your bags, I just hit the lottery." His wife says "Oh that's wonderful. Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says "I don't care. Just get out."

My wife asked if I would divorce her if I won the lottery. I said no, of course. With that kind of money, I could afford a hit man.

A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey?! Pack for vacation, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?"

He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

My wife keeps on calling me "gullible" and "financially irresponsible". I just can't wait to see her face when I tell her I won the Nigerian lottery.

A man asked his wife...What would you do if I won the lottery? A man asked his wife...What would you do if I won the lottery?
She replied, "I'd take half and leave you"


"Great", he said, "I won £12. Here's £6, keep in touch."

What's better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

Did you hear about the guy who blew his entire lottery winnings on a limousine? He had nothing left to chauffeur it.

Me: What would you do if we won the lottery? Wife: I would take my half, leave you and live happily by myself. Me: Promise?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Great, we won a 100 Pounds, here’s your 50. Pack your bags.
And that’s when the fight started…

Husband: What would you do if i won the lottery? Wife: I'd take half and leave.
Husband: Well here's $6 and you can start packing anytime now.

A man asks his wife: "Honey, what would you do if we won the lottery?"... The wife replies: "Well, I would take half and divorce you."

"Oh, that's fine by me" the man replies "because we have won 24 Euro. Here is 12 Euro and now GTFO!"

Greg wins £25,000,000.00 in the nationally lottery and runs home "Margret, I won the lottery, pack your bags", "why Greg, where are we going?". "I don't care, pack your bags and get out" says Greg.

Whats the difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man arguing with his wife? The man buying a lottery ticket actually has a chance of winning.

It irritates me that I never win the lottery Maybe I should start buying lottery tickets.

Today these things happened: 1. I woke up
2. I went to 7/11
3. I won the lottery
4. I bought a Lamborghini






real order: 2,3,4,1

What do they call the lottery in Africa? Celebrity adoption.

States would make a lot more revenue if they taxed people who don't understand math or basic probability. Oh wait. I forgot about the lottery.

Guy wins lottery, comes home "Honey, I won the lottery, I'm a millionaire, come on, start packing!"

"That's awesome dear, where are we going?"

"What do you mean *we?*"

I just tried to play the online Eskimo lottery. But you have to be Inuit to win it.

I won $5 million in the lottery last night. After much pondering over what I should do with the money, I decided that I will donate a quarter of the money to charity. I now have $4,999,999.75.

I bought a Lottery ticket today Sven: "Ollie I bought a Lottery ticket today."

Ollie: "It looks like it has six numbers on it. 29, 4, 42, 11, 35, 36."

Sven: "What are the odds?"

Ollie: "29, 11, 35."