Hilarious Real Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Real Jokes

Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat? Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.

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Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down? Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.

Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

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Our President Elect is a real tough guy... The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

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I have an imaginary friend, but he keeps making fun of me. He keeps saying, “At least I have a real friend.”

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I finally learned how to convert units to the metric system! It's a real 1.61kilometers6.35kilograms for me.

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I looked her square in the eyes and said, "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?" "I meant any questions about the job." the interviewer sighed.

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The moon landing was staged The moon landing was staged and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.

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I walked into a bar and saw this girl wearing a Falcons jersey. I walked up and introduced myself as, "25 point lead".

"Is that your real name?", she asked.

I said, "No, but I figured anyone wearing a Falcons jersey would blow a 25 point lead."

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I don't understand why some people say, "Taco Bell isn't real Mexican." It gets the job done for less than half the cost. That's about as Mexican as it gets.

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Everyone knows Albert Einstein was a genius... but his brother, Frank, was a real monster.

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I really wish some of the fantasies in 50 shades of grey were real... like how she got a job right out of college.

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Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog! Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs.

Me: *sigh* Yeah... my dog has a real problem.

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Me: Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right? Interviewer: I meant any questions about the job.

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Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.

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My Communist girlfriend is a real psycho.... How in the world did I miss all the red flags?

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My wife found out I was cheating... ... after she found the letters I was hiding.

She got real mad and said that she'd never play Scrabble with me ever again.

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I hate women who lie over the smallest things. My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.

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I told my friends I have a girlfriend... They all laughed at me and told me she is isn't real.





Well Jokes on them because neither are they

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Just found out that 'aaaaarrrrggghhhh' isn't a real word I can't tell you how angry I am

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I'm having some real trouble mending my broken fence. Can anyone here give me some tips?

I was told you guys are the best at reposting.

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My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life. Must be big love, haven't seen her for weeks.

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My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65.... Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is

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What if the real reason aliens don't visit us is because... ...we're a one star planet?

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Why did the polynomial tree fall over? It didn't have any real roots

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Husband: Why are there broken condoms on our couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.

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One time last year when I was in Baltimore out late, I got jumped by three big black guys. They were real nice, car started right up with no problems.

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Father: Son you were adopted Son: I knew it I want to meet my real parents

Father: We are your real parents your new ones are coming in 20 minutes

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I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I can take a look around, but they said "no" and slammed the door on me My parents can be real jerks sometimes.

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Just found out that ‘Aaarrrrggghhh’ is not a real word. I can’t even tell you how angry I am.

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The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore... Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano

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1948; "Did you hear,the Jewish people finally got their own country? Is this real?" "Yes,it is real!" My best original joke, taa daaa. !!!

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I, too, have a Jewish friend, and he told me this one... What's the difference between a Jewish woman and a Latina?

A Latina has fake jewelry and real orgasms.

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So a Black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder... The bartender says "Wow, that's something real special you've got there! Where'd you get it?"

"Africa!", says the parrot.

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I should never have given my real email address to Rolex. Now I'm forever placed on some kind of watch list.

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I went to a restaurant last night where none of the food was real; it was all just special effects. CGI Fridays.

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How do you know a girl on Tinder is real? When they ignore you.

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Dark humour is like a kid with cancer It never gets old

Edit:
Credits to /u/CookieDestroyer66
He da real MVP.

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The real joke is in the "Guidelines and Information" of this subreddit. Reposts will be removed.

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Get in on Syrian real estate now! The markets are exploding!

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New Real Jokes

It's never okay to say to your adopted child "I'm not your real dad". That's a faux pa.

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A date told me she'd love to have visited the Soviet Union at it's greatest. I got out of there real quick. It was clearly a big red flag.

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Driving in real life is just like Mariokart, and pedestrians are mystery cubes The surprise is 25 to life though...

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People from Hawaii are so lucky! They get to play “the floor is lava” for real!

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I asked my veteran grandfather what’s the most disrespectful question that you can ask a vet? “Why didn’t you become a real doctor?”

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My last boss was a dwarf He was a real micromanager

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I didn't have any candy at Halloween... So I gave out my antidepressants.

It made the kids happy, but it was a real downer for me.

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Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”

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I’m moving to California to become a real estate agent... I heard the market is on fire!!!

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Did you hear about the tornado that blew through the strip club? It was a real titty-twister!

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i^2 keep it real, guys

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Can you move my atoms closer together? You'd be doing me a real solid.

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I've never had a real girlfriend, besides that one in fifth grade... Didn't really work out with me being a sophomore though.

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The root cause of the problem Patient : The problem is obesity runs in our family

Doc: No, the real problem is no one runs in your family

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My friend asked me what I was being for Halloween, and I said "Nothing." He said "No, that's what you are in real life, you have to wear a costume."

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I have a new recipe that's gluten free, sugar free, no-fat, non-GMO, pesticide free, low-calorie, vegan, kosher and paleo-friendly. It's a real breath of fresh air.

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The worst thing about a prostate exam is... ...when he finds out you're not a real doctor.

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You can't fool me. I know chicken fried rice isn't real. You expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice?

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My relationship with my girlfriend is complex I am real and she is imaginary

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Lawyer : She had 3 children, yes? Witness : Yes
Lawyer : How many were boys?
Witness : None
Lawyer : Were there girls?

*This was a real conversation in court*

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What did Donald Trump say when he learnt black and white weren’t real colours? Fake hues

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It's a real-shame I failed my entry-level idiom class I came close, but no sugar.

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My Texan friends really seem to love German cars. Every time I see them, they smile, wave real friendly-like and say, "Audi!"

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I'm reading a book about Swedish automotive history. It's a real Saab story.

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What was the real reason Princess Di divorced Prince Charles? She found out that not all rulers have 12 inches.

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If laughter is a drug... The real coke is in the comments!

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Today these things happened: 1. I woke up
2. I went to 7/11
3. I won the lottery
4. I bought a Lamborghini

real order: 2,3,4,1

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Despite always being made fun of on the internet, I've never seen a fedora-wearing neckbeard in the real life. I guess that means the stereotype is true.

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German pronouns are hard to learn They're a real du Sie.

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I can tell you a space joke. But the real joke is in the comets.

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What did Jaden Smith tweet after math class? "How can math be real if our "i"s aren't real?"

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Wanna know the real reason the Donald Trump won? [This post has been removed by The Republican Party]

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The periodic table just got one block smaller Scientists now say Plutonium is not a real element

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My father told me that whenever I find myself having trouble with my partner I should stop and listen to my heart. My heart says, "BEAT BEAT BEAT!"

^^^For ^^^real ^^^though, ^^^don't ^^^beat ^^^your ^^^lovers.

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The real Zodiac Killer is... Cancer.

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I adopted a drug sniffing dog... she's having a real hard time quitting

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I hate it when people lie to me... Like one time I broke up with a girl who told me she had a bunch of Abandonment issues. I looked it up online and it's not even a real magazine.

So I just up and packed my things and left in the middle of the night.

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What did the imposter clown say when he was arrested at the House of Lords? "The real joker's in the Commons."

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Did you hear about the soldier who survived a mustard gas attack and got pepper sprayed? He is a real seasoned veteran.

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What did one math book say to the other? When am I ever going to use this in real life?

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What does a british real estate agent care most about? His proper tea

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What did the stomach say to the burp? If you're real quiet I'll let you out the back door.

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What do you get when you cross hard alcohol with a classic American novel? Tequil-a Mockinbird

Edit: I've been told this is apparently a real drink... whatever, classic comedy

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I have a really nice step ladder. I have a really nice step ladder, I love it, but I wish I knew my real ladder.

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I feel like I only meet people now using hookup apps the last time I met a guy in real life
I was out drinking

He told me he was a cop

I found that out when he pulled me over

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As a 10-year-old, I find online dating real tough. Every person I meet ends up in jail!

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I just got a new stepladder. I lost my real ladder when I was 6.

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'Hey, can I use your phone to call my girlfriend real quick?' 'Sure, just hit redial'

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I have a stepladder. It's a great ladder and all... but I wish I knew my real ladder.

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I wanted to go out for Valentine's day, but my relationship is complex I'm real, she's imaginary.

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Little kid ask His dad: daddy what is MACHO? Dad:
its a person who is in charge, makes desicions, gives orders and everyone around obeys those orders.
Kid:
When I grow up I want to be a real macho just like Mom.

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My Vietnamese roommate is moving to Vegas (giving me a place to crash in Vegas), and leaving behind a full bedroom set for free... This is a real Nguyen-Nguyen situation for me.

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What's the difference between my girlfriend and a cow? Cows are real.

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Boycott shampoo demand real poo instead

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What do you call a real old korean? Jurassic Park

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Two atoms bump into each other, and become stuck. "Oh, no," said the first atom. "We're going to be stuck like this forever!"

"It'll be okay. Try not to be so negative! Think positive for a second."

The first atom thought real hard, and the two flew apart.

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Have you ever wondered whether it is your dog or your wife who is your real friend? Yes? Well if you have, just try this experiment...

Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?

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Yesterday at the optician... So I was getting new glasses at the optician yesterday and she was real cute, so I was flirting and it was going pretty well until I fell into the lens grinder and made a spectacle of myself.

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What's worse than getting shampoo in your eyes? real poo in your eyes

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Did you hear about the insane Mexican train saboteur? They say he had some real loco-motives.

(I know, it's pure genius, and totally original.)

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