Roommate Jokes

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint. He is now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.

I wrote the names of everyone I've de-friended onto a piece of paper. But my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint... Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.

My roommate claims I'm schizophrenic. Jokes on him.
I don't have a roommate.

Got a new roommate. She cleans my room, I clean hers. We are maid for each other.

My roommate's cellphone broke He wants me to let you guys know he's vegan

When a girl seductively tells you, "you can stick it wherever you want" Apparently in her roommate is NOT one of the options

My roommate claims I'm schizophrenic. We'll show him.

My roommate yells at me for stealing her kitchen utensils But hey, it was a whisk I was willing to take.

It's crazy how everyone sleeps differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back, and my ex sleeps with everyone.

My roommate came up to me and said "What rhymes with orange?" I said "No it doesn't."

My roommate says I have schizophrenia Jokes on him! I don't have a roommate

My depressed roommate is into autoerotic asphyxiation Every time I see a noose around his head, I don't know if he's coming or going

My roommate thinks our house is haunted. Nonsense. I've lived here for 219 years and never noticed anything strange.

My roommate called the suicide hotline and they put him on hold They just left him hangin'

I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies. He was dead Sirius.

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used that to roll up his joint. He’s now high on the list of people I never want to see again.

I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint.... He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again

My roommate tried telling me I'm schizophrenic, But jokes on him, I don't even have a roommate

Caught my Vegan roommate... Caught my Vegan roommate crying today while chopping onions. These people are taking it too far now!

It's interesting how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back, and my ex sleeps with everyone.

I have my own private jet. The rest of the jaccuzi belongs to my roommate.

I wrote down the names of everyone I hate, and my roommate used that paper to roll his joint. Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

My roommate got in trouble with the police because he had two crows in our apartment as pets. The cops arrested him for attempted murder.

My roommate gets angry when I steal their kitchen utensils It's a whisk I'm willing to take

It's funny how we all sleep differently... I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody... That sort of thing

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on her back, my ex sleeps with everybody. That sorta thing.

My roommate is really dedicated to dental hygiene just last night I heard her using an electric toothbrush for what seemed like an hour

My Chinese roommate and I decided to give each other homemade christmas gifts this year! I'm hoping for an iPad!

I had a roommate, but he was ran over by a bus... Now I have a flatmate.

My Vietnamese roommate is moving to Vegas (giving me a place to crash in Vegas), and leaving behind a full bedroom set for free... This is a real Nguyen-Nguyen situation for me.

Sleeping patterns It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.

My roommate just told me he tried to walk to Russia from Alaska. He pulled up short because he couldn't get his Bering Strait.

I caught my roommate trying to hide his glasses in the fridge today.. He said he was trying to look cool.

I told my roommate, "I just reminded my neighbor 6 times to take his cat with him when he moves tomorrow." My roommate replied, " That's just your dementia." Ha, joke's on her. I remember all 3 times I told him.

I went to the doctor for a rash... Doctor: What toiletries are you using?

Me: Steven’s soap, Steven’s shampoo, Steven’s toothpaste and Steven’s toothbrush.

Doctor: Huh, so is Steven’s a foreign brand?

Me: No, Steven is my roommate.

My roommate kept stealing my detergent, so I poured all of his spices into it When it comes to getting revenge, thyme and Tide wait for no man.

A man starts a religion in his apartment His roommate asks "Well, who do we worship?"

​

He replies "The big guy upstairs."

​

"And that would be....?" the roommate asks

​

"Our landlord."

My blonde roommate walked into the bathroom with an undercooked steak, camera, and towel. She said "I'm getting some snaps of a rare, meatier shower."

I was fapping so hard the mattress fell off the frame... My roommate wasn’t as pleased as I was