Hilarious Russia Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Russia Jokes

Russia started a new website that tracks down and deletes pirated movies. Nyetflix.

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I think I've been hacked by Russia. Edit: I not hacked by Russia. The motherland do no such thing. Have good day.

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Putin visits Estonia Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".



"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".



"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

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I think I've been hacked by Russia Edit: I not hacked. Motherland do no such thing. Have good day.

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I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me. I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

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Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics? It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

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Donald Trump is like top shelf vodka Expensive, Transparent, and wouldn't be here if not for Russia.

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In Soviet Russia, you rob banks... in Capitalist America, banks rob you!

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Russia's president wasn't elected.... He was Putin!

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My friend asked me "if you could have any super power in the world, what would it be?" I said Cold War Russia.

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Can a woman be the president of Russia? No because Putin is not a woman

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A boy is studying for his geography quiz His mom asks him:

"What is the capital of Germany?"

"Berlin", says the boy.

"What is the capital of France?"

"Berlin."

"What is the capital of Russia?"

"Berlin."

"You're so smart, Adolf, I know you'll do great on your quiz."

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There are only two seasons in Russia: Winter and nuclear winter.

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I Hear that Russia is so mad about the US airstrike in syria That they are seriously considering voting democratic in the next election.

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Why can't Russia have a female president? Because Putin is not a woman.

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What's the difference between a cow and the Trump-Russia controversy? You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.

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Putin recently won the election with about 77 percent of the vote, Over the next few weeks Russia will see a 23 percent population decrease.

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Democracy in Russia I bet you were expecting more.

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If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear... Would Greece help?

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In Russia, we have only two TV channels; Channel one is Soviet propaganda... Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.

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Putin lands at Helsinki airport... ...and the immigration officer says "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

Credit goes to a dude in the Finland thread. Made me laugh.

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A young boy goes to his father in Russia The boy asks "Papa, could I please have 5 rubles"
Papa is surprised and asks "20 rubles? Why do you need 50 rubles?"

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I think I've been hacked by Russia Edit: I not hacked by Russia. The motherland do no such thing. Have a good day

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Why couldn't the American fly home from Russia after the Olympics? Because he was Snow'den.

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The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday.. "It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.

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In Russia, you don't vote for Putin... Putin votes FOR you.

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Homosexuality in Russia is a crime, and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with hundreds of other men. There is a three year waiting list.

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If hillary nukes Russia I can see the headlines now "Everyone in Moscow commits suicide"

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Congratulations to Ukraine to winning the Eurovision Song Contest. Can't wait for Russia to host it next year.

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Russia's Three Steps to Homework Step 1. Putin it off

Step 2. Stalin

Step 3. Russian to finish

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I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the bodies of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me. I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

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Where does Justin Timberlake take his holidays in Russia ? Crimea River

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Who was the unluckiest person in Soviet Russia? Yuri Gagarin. He circled the earth 3 times but still ended up in Russia.

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Why are Trump's ties so long? Because they go all the way to Russia

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My Psychology Professor asked me what Super Power I would like to have... Apparently "Cold War Era Russia" is not an acceptable answer.

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In Soviet Russia, pessimist says "things couldn't possibly possibly get any worse"... Russian optimist says "Yes they can!!!"

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Come on, Trump has no ties in Russia. His ties are made in China. His business loans are in Russia.

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What country had a history of procrastination? Russia. At one point, they were all for Stalin.

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In America, you can always find a party. In Russia, the Party can always find you.

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New Russia Jokes

It's not easy being the President of Russia Putin waking up.

Oh glorious leader, bad news ... we have lost Georgia

"Again?"

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In school, work determines your marks In Soviet Russia, Marx determines your work!

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Russia isn’t doing a good job at achieving world power Maybe they should Putin more

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It's not called womb in mother russia... Its uter'us'

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What do you call a tree living in Russia? Dimitree

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In Soviet Russia, there is no meiosis There is only ourosis

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In Soviet Russia we're all equal... ...ly worthless.

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What would America do if Russia painted the moon red? Paint Coca Cola over it in white.

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Why will the 2018 world cup in Russia be so cold? There's no Chile in it.

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If you had to choose one superpower to have forever please legalize weed if it's Russia. Thanks in advance.

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In Soviet Russia, they don’t play The Floor is Lava... They play The Floor is Democracy

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Why did it Take so long For Russia to abolish Communism? The Leader was Stalin

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How did Russia win the second World War? By stalin' the german advance

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If Russia is so good at defeating it's enemies in the Winter Then how come they lost the Cold War?

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What did Putin say to Obama when Russia annexed Crimea? Crimea river.

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If a man were born in Russia, raised in Spain, and buried in France, what would he be? Dead.

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What are coffee shops in Russia called? Tsarbucks.

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If USA invaded Canada, Russia would save them... Because they've got poutine!

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What is Russia's national dish? Empty

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Why did the FBI go to question Sarah Palin while investigating Trump's collusion? Because she can see Russia from her house.

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Here in Soviet Russia You rob bank.
Here in Capitalist America, bank rob you!

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In Soviet Russia there are only two Tv channels. Channel one is propaganda. Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.

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In light of Trump’s increasing volume of golf: What’s the difference between Hitler and Trump? It only took Hitler one shot to get out of the bunker he ended up in after succumbing to Russia.

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In Russia, People Don't Choose Russia's President People choose United States president

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I thought Trump's ties were made in China... Why is everyone saying they're from Russia now?

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Why was there no school in Soviet Russia? Because it was a classless society

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You have to read this in Paul McCartney's voice When I find my tweets are causing trouble

Mother Russia comforts me

Tweeting words of wisdom

Covfefe

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A Canadian visits Russia A Canadian visits Russia and goes to a restaurant that serves fries with gravy and cheese. He says, "I hate this poutine".

He was never seen again.

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Tributes from around the globe are still pouring in after the death of Sir Roger Moore… The one from Vladimir Putin read: "From Russia, with love."

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What happens to investigative journalists in Russia? They're Putin jail

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Jokes in Russia aren't funny... Unless everyone gets them.

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What do you say when there's no internet in Russia? Internyet.

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What's Russia's favorite dish? Poutine.

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In Russia they don't use a 'royal we'... Instead, they use a Bourgeois-we

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What is Donald Trump's favorite movie? From Russia with Love.

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In Russia nobody ever says "thank you" Because there, they speak russian.

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What did Russia say after Trump bombed Syria? "This is Syria's business."

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How do you get someone in Russia to wait? Stalin

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I really like European food... ...so I decided to Russia over to a European restaurant because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

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America Wants You! In Soviet Russia, you want America.

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Polish history in five words: Stuck between Germany & Russia.

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What happens when Russia, Belarus, Kazakhstan, Armenia, Ukraine and Latvia get back together? A Soviet reunion

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What do you call it when you can't leave Russia cause it's precipitating under 32 degrees? Snowden

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What did Russia say to Ukraine after they annexed their peninsula? Crimea river.

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What do you call it when there is no internet in Russia? Internyet.

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Trump really does make everything overseas He had his shirts made in Korea, his glasses made in China, and his Presidency made in Russia.

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roses are red, violets are blue in soviet russia, poems write you.

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What do you call a person who doesn't like Soviet Russia? A citizen of Soviet Russia

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In Soviet Russia, a Judge bursts into his chambers laughing *"I've just heard the funniest joke about Stalin... ever!"*

*"Well, go ahead and tell us."*, the other Judges ask.

*"I can't. I just gave someone a life sentence for it."*

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Tired of people complaining about Ukrainian body's of water that Russia is occupying Crimea river.

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I haven't seen a team blow a win this bad... Since Hitler invaded Russia

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NASA spent 1.5mil on a pen that works in space. Russia putin a pencil.

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What is Russia's codename for Trump? Agent Orange.

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Donald Trump wants to make Russia great again all along..... We should have known, he kept talking about seizing the means of reproduction after all

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My Russian friends cringe everytime I tell a joke... Because in Russia line punch you.

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Oldie - -Communist China telegrams Soviet Russia Communist China:
WE ARE OUT OF FOOD. SEND GRAIN

Soviet reply:
WE ARE ALSO OUT OF FOOD. TIGHTEN YOUR BELTS

Communist China:
SEND BELTS

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Russia: Why did the chicken cross the road? Ukraine: I don't know Russia why?
Russia: To rescue oppressed Russian minority

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What is Russia's favorite imported product? Ukraine.

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If your soviet girlfriend wants to take it slow Don't Russia

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My roommate just told me he tried to walk to Russia from Alaska. He pulled up short because he couldn't get his Bering Strait.

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