Hilarious Therapist Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Therapist Jokes

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them... I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

Score: 15281

Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today? My wife: It’s impossible to live with him. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

Score: 2944

My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them. I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

Score: 2342

Score: 1273

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Score: 1144

Me: I’m scared of the Backstreet Boys Therapist: tell me why

Me: *screams*

Score: 1121

My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people you hate......" My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people who you hate and burn them later".
I did that.... But now what should i do with the letters???

Score: 980

My therapist told me my narcissism causes me to misread social situations I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me

Score: 695

My therapist told me that I have extreme difficulty in vocalizing my emotions. Can’t say that I’m surprised.

Score: 694

I got fired from my job as a massage therapist My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.

Score: 640

My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though I'll figure out what procrastination means later

Score: 446

My therapist said I could book 10 sessions in advance for £6000 She must think I'm crazy!!

Score: 362

Me: Sometimes I hear a voice and I think it might be an evil spirit, should I be afraid? **Therapist:** That's actually quite common, sometimes I hear a whiny bitchass girly voice.

**Me:** What do you mean?

**Therapist:** There it goes again.

Score: 336

I told my therapist that no one understands me... She said, "What do you mean by that?"

Score: 306

I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts He said I have to start paying in advance

Score: 205

My therapist asked what would be the one thing I'd say to my pa today if he were still alive. I'd say 'I'm sorry I cremated you Pa, I really thought you were dead.'

Score: 203

Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?" Me: "I can't say I do."

Therapist: "That's one of them."

Score: 197

My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart. Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?

Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.

Me: Divorce is strong with this one.

Score: 180

I told my therapist I feel like I'm invisible My therapist replied, "who said that?"

Score: 178

My therapist asked me what I'd feel if I shot someone. "Recoil", I calmly answered.

Score: 165

My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

Score: 160

My therapist said that I have trouble interpreting social cues. I think she wants to sleep with me.

Score: 158

My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture. Wow thanks I'm cured.

Score: 156

Me: Can you help me get over my gambling addiction? Therapist: You bet.

Me: Yes, that’s why I asked.

Score: 149

Therapist, “Don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your suicide jokes when you get older?” Me, “When I what?”

Score: 142

Marriage Counseling Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage?

Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.

Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

Score: 141

My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions. Can’t say that I’m surprised.

Score: 138

Couples therapist: So tell me, what brings you here today? Wife: I can’t stand living with him. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

Score: 122

A car Therapist: So what brought you two here?

Wife: I just hate how he takes things so literally?

Therapist: What about you?

Husband: A car.

Score: 119

Patient: I get scared every time I think of big animals. Therapist: We have pills for that, but bear in mind--

Patient: AAUUGGHH!!

Score: 119

I went to see a therapist. I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman."

He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me."

I said, "No."

He said, "You're a woman."

Score: 110

Therapist: So why doesn't the marriage work? Wife: My husband uses to many Star Wars puns

Husband: Divorce is strong in this one

Score: 80

My therapist said that I should do whatever I find enjoyable and calming. Now there is blood everywhere.

Score: 67

My therapist told me, "Write letters to the people you hate, and then burn them." Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

Score: 64

I told my therapist that I was seeing strange colours. He told me they were just pigments of my imagination.

Score: 57

Today my therapist diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder. Me too.

Score: 55

A man and woman go to marriage counseling Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage?

Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.

Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

Score: 51

My therapist says I have an obsession with revenge. We'll see about that.

Score: 38

Anger Management As part of my anger management counseling my therapist said I should "Write letters to the people you hate and then burn them."

So I did, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

Score: 30

My therapist told me I have multiple personalities... Now she charges me a group rate.

Score: 25

New Therapist Jokes

Couples Therapist: So, tell me what brought you here today? Her: It’s impossible living with him. He’s so literal.

Him: My truck.

Score: 2

I got sprayed in the chest by a skunk so I had my tiny therapist wash my clothes for me. My shrunk shrink stopped my shirt's skunk stink.

Score: 3

A goat goes to a therapist He gets asked to talk about what bothering him

He says it all started when he was a kid

Score: 0

My therapist said that I was crazy I said “I want a second opinion!”

He said “ok, you’re ugly too!”

Score: 0

Me: I know this sounds weird but I’m attracted to thicc zombies... Therapist: deadass?

Score: 0

Why did the mattress go to the therapist? Because it was depressed

(Did I tell this before I mean it’s my classic joke)

Score: 7

Today I finally admitted to my wife that I was seeing a therapist. She then admitted that she was also seeing a therapist, two plumbers, and a lawyer.

Score: 4

I decided to stop going to my therapist and start going to bars every night instead I just find someone drunk enough and push them from behind. They always turn around and ask “What’s your problem?”

Score: 9

Couldn't find the stress ball I got to help me with my anxiety Turned out it went to see a therapist.

Score: 5

A dad goes to therapy for the suicide of his son. Therapist: what was the name of your son?
Dad: I believe he said it was, sosickandtiredofthedadjokespleasestoporilljump.

Score: 5

MY MOM: Why have you always wanted to be a couples therapist? ME: Twice the money as a normal therapist!

Score: 5

What do you call a physical therapist who believes men are superior? A massage-inist

Score: 4

A man walks into the therapists office... Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Guy: I’m afraid of independent letters

Therapist: Are you?

Guy: *Screams*

Therapist: Oh I see.

Guy: *Screams louder*

Score: 3

A fat man and his therapist go for a walk They stop by Mcdonald's, and they both order large meals.

The therapist asks the fat man,

"So how do you feel?"

"I dont know doc, I still feel empty inside."

Score: 2

My therapist says my job is too stressful and driven by competition, so she recommended meditation. I think I'm a natural talent. I finished my first 5 minute meditation in under 2 minutes 49 seconds.

Score: 5

I spent so much money on my speech therapist that she could afford to buy a yacht She called it the S. S. Stutter

Score: 2

My favourite joke from a therapist I found online. How many psychologist does it takes to change a light bulb? One, but it's too expensive, takes a long time and the light bulb itself need to be willing to change

Score: 1

What does a massage therapist have for dinner...? SPA-ghetti!

Score: 3

I don’t think I’m going to go back to my massage therapist. He just kinda rubbed me the wrong way.

Score: 3

A guy frantically runs into a therapist's office wearing nothing but seran wrap underwear. The therapist takes one look at him and says "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

Score: 3

My ex-girlfriend said she's seeing someone now. I said me too.

A therapist.

Score: 3

A man is having a session with his therapist. Therapist: One of your biggest problems is changing the subject all the time.

Man: No I don't.

Therapist: Denial.

Man: Thats a river in Africa.

Score: 4

My therapist suggested I write letters to all the people I hate and set fire to them. I tried it and feel a lot better... But now what do I do with all these letters?

Score: 7

My therapist says I'm socially awkward because I misinterpret what people say to me... I'm pretty sure she wants me

Score: 10

I went to my therapist, who said i was obsessed with revenge We'll see about that...

Score: 1

A meeting with my therapist Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

Therapist: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it's fluffy, I just let it hit me...

Score: 3

I get angry when my cellphone battery dies My therapist suggested that I find an outlet.

Score: 11

I finally talked to my therapist about my 5 bottle a day seltzer habit. She diagnosed me with Buy Polar Disorder.

Score: 3

I shouldn't come here anymore My therapist said I need to stop reliving the past.

Score: 6

My therapist says I need to be more understanding So now I'm going to make sure I know what people mean when they tell me things.

Score: 2

Why was the therapist wet? He therapist his pants!

Score: 5

My therapist asked me how many times a day I act immature. I responded, "sixty-nine."

Score: 14

My therapist asked me, "About how many times a day to you over exaggerate?" I replied, "I don't know. Like, a billion."

Score: 1

My therapist told me that if I have a problem with somebody, I should sever ties with them. My coworker just asked me what I was doing to his clip-on.

Score: 5

My therapist told me "Write letters to people you hate, then burn them." Did that, but now what do I do with the letters?

Score: 9

People say I'm crazy, but I regularly see my therapist... It's a shame that she died years ago.

Score: 20

My brother works as a part time civil engineer and part time relationship therapist He's an expert at building bridges

Score: 2

I got diagnosed with kleptomania. My therapist reccomends I take something for it.

Score: 10

My therapist says I'm preoccupied with vengeance. We'll see about that.

Score: 1

What did the Jamaican war hero amputee say to the massage therapist when asked where he wanted to be massaged? DA FEET IS NADDA OPTION!!

Score: 1

I went to see a therapist today... I ended up getting raped.

Score: 3

Therapist: do u blame yourself for your parents divorce Me: not really

Therapist [quietly while reading through notes]: you probably should

Score: 3

DRACULA VISITS HIS THERAPIST.... THE THERAPIST ASKS... "HOW DO YOU SEE YOURSELF?"

DRACULA SAYS... "I DON'T."

Score: 4

My ex was massage therapist before we broke up and I don't know why everytime I see her. But she just rubs me the wrong way.

Score: 5

What did the therapist tell Usain Bolt? You sane, Bolt

Score: 6

I've been seeing a therapist i saw him last on the subway. i think he's stalking me

Score: 2

What did the headless horseman say to his therapist? .... I don't know what to do, I just can't get ahead in life

Score: 1

What did the therapist wife say to her filmmaker husband? stop projecting!

Score: 1

What did the depressed narcoleptic say to his therapist? Wake me up, wake me up inside!

Score: 1

I had the worst first day of work ever today! ... looking back, maybe I should have noticed something was sketchy about the job posting... "Now hiring at county jai. Position available: Massage Therapist... Space not provided."

Score: 1

Difference between a therapist and a gossipy coworker Your therapist psychoanalyzes you, then reveals the results to no one except you.

Your gossipy coworker psychoanalyzes you, then reveals the results to everyone except you.

Score: 7

I told my therapist that I was hearing voices. He told me I didn't have a therapist.

Score: 15

What's the difference between a therapist and a tattoo artist? You go to a therapist when you want to get something off your chest, and you go to a tattoo artist when you want to get something on your chest.

Score: 1

Why therapist always have a tiny office? Because if you give them too much space, they will become the rapist.

Score: 2

[OC] My therapist asked me what was my earliest erotic remembrance and I told him it was wearing my mother's lingerie when I was a child. he said it was probably a Freudian slip.

Score: 3

I don't like the massage therapist that moved in next door. He just rubs me the wrong way.

Score: 9