Contents
Contents
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them... I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?
Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?
My wife: It’s impossible to live with him. He’s too literal.
Me: My truck.
My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them. I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.
My therapist says I'm paranoid. He didn't *actually* say that I but I know he was thinking it.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
Me: I’m scared of the Backstreet Boys
Therapist: tell me why
Me: *screams*
My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people you hate......"
My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people who you hate and burn them later".
I did that.... But now what should i do with the letters???
My therapist told me my narcissism causes me to misread social situations I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me
My therapist told me that I have extreme difficulty in vocalizing my emotions. Can’t say that I’m surprised.
I got fired from my job as a massage therapist My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.
My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though I'll figure out what procrastination means later
My therapist said I could book 10 sessions in advance for £6000 She must think I'm crazy!!
Me: Sometimes I hear a voice and I think it might be an evil spirit, should I be afraid?
**Therapist:** That's actually quite common, sometimes I hear a whiny bitchass girly voice.
**Me:** What do you mean?
**Therapist:** There it goes again.
I told my therapist that no one understands me... She said, "What do you mean by that?"
I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts He said I have to start paying in advance
My therapist asked what would be the one thing I'd say to my pa today if he were still alive. I'd say 'I'm sorry I cremated you Pa, I really thought you were dead.'
Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?"
Me: "I can't say I do."
Therapist: "That's one of them."
My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart.
Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?
Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.
Me: Divorce is strong with this one.
I told my therapist I feel like I'm invisible My therapist replied, "who said that?"
My therapist asked me what I'd feel if I shot someone. "Recoil", I calmly answered.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.
My therapist said that I have trouble interpreting social cues. I think she wants to sleep with me.
My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture. Wow thanks I'm cured.
Me: Can you help me get over my gambling addiction?
Therapist: You bet.
Me: Yes, that’s why I asked.
Therapist, “Don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your suicide jokes when you get older?” Me, “When I what?”
Marriage Counseling
Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage?
Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.
Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.
My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions. Can’t say that I’m surprised.
Couples therapist: So tell me, what brings you here today?
Wife: I can’t stand living with him. He’s too literal.
Me: My truck.
A car
Therapist: So what brought you two here?
Wife: I just hate how he takes things so literally?
Therapist: What about you?
Husband: A car.
Patient: I get scared every time I think of big animals.
Therapist: We have pills for that, but bear in mind--
Patient: AAUUGGHH!!
I went to see a therapist.
I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman."
He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me."
I said, "No."
He said, "You're a woman."
Therapist: So why doesn't the marriage work?
Wife: My husband uses to many Star Wars puns
Husband: Divorce is strong in this one
My therapist said that I should do whatever I find enjoyable and calming. Now there is blood everywhere.
My therapist told me, "Write letters to the people you hate, and then burn them." Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.
I told my therapist that I was seeing strange colours. He told me they were just pigments of my imagination.
Today my therapist diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder. Me too.
A man and woman go to marriage counseling
Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage?
Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.
Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.
My therapist says I have an obsession with revenge. We'll see about that.
Anger Management
As part of my anger management counseling my therapist said I should "Write letters to the people you hate and then burn them."
So I did, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.
My therapist told me I have multiple personalities... Now she charges me a group rate.
Couples Therapist: So, tell me what brought you here today?
Her: It’s impossible living with him. He’s so literal.
Him: My truck.
I got sprayed in the chest by a skunk so I had my tiny therapist wash my clothes for me. My shrunk shrink stopped my shirt's skunk stink.
A goat goes to a therapist
He gets asked to talk about what bothering him
He says it all started when he was a kid
My therapist said that I was crazy
I said “I want a second opinion!”
He said “ok, you’re ugly too!”
Me: I know this sounds weird but I’m attracted to thicc zombies... Therapist: deadass?
Why did the mattress go to the therapist?
Because it was depressed
(Did I tell this before I mean it’s my classic joke)
Today I finally admitted to my wife that I was seeing a therapist. She then admitted that she was also seeing a therapist, two plumbers, and a lawyer.
I decided to stop going to my therapist and start going to bars every night instead I just find someone drunk enough and push them from behind. They always turn around and ask “What’s your problem?”
Couldn't find the stress ball I got to help me with my anxiety Turned out it went to see a therapist.
A dad goes to therapy for the suicide of his son.
Therapist: what was the name of your son?
Dad: I believe he said it was, sosickandtiredofthedadjokespleasestoporilljump.
MY MOM: Why have you always wanted to be a couples therapist? ME: Twice the money as a normal therapist!
What do you call a physical therapist who believes men are superior? A massage-inist
A man walks into the therapists office...
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Guy: I’m afraid of independent letters
Therapist: Are you?
Guy: *Screams*
Therapist: Oh I see.
Guy: *Screams louder*
A fat man and his therapist go for a walk
They stop by Mcdonald's, and they both order large meals.
The therapist asks the fat man,
"So how do you feel?"
"I dont know doc, I still feel empty inside."
My therapist says my job is too stressful and driven by competition, so she recommended meditation. I think I'm a natural talent. I finished my first 5 minute meditation in under 2 minutes 49 seconds.
I spent so much money on my speech therapist that she could afford to buy a yacht She called it the S. S. Stutter
My favourite joke from a therapist I found online. How many psychologist does it takes to change a light bulb? One, but it's too expensive, takes a long time and the light bulb itself need to be willing to change
What does a massage therapist have for dinner...? SPA-ghetti!
I don’t think I’m going to go back to my massage therapist. He just kinda rubbed me the wrong way.
A guy frantically runs into a therapist's office wearing nothing but seran wrap underwear. The therapist takes one look at him and says "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
My ex-girlfriend said she's seeing someone now.
I said me too.
A therapist.
A man is having a session with his therapist.
Therapist: One of your biggest problems is changing the subject all the time.
Man: No I don't.
Therapist: Denial.
Man: Thats a river in Africa.
My therapist suggested I write letters to all the people I hate and set fire to them. I tried it and feel a lot better... But now what do I do with all these letters?
My therapist says I'm socially awkward because I misinterpret what people say to me... I'm pretty sure she wants me
I went to my therapist, who said i was obsessed with revenge We'll see about that...
A meeting with my therapist
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
Therapist: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it's fluffy, I just let it hit me...
I get angry when my cellphone battery dies My therapist suggested that I find an outlet.
I finally talked to my therapist about my 5 bottle a day seltzer habit. She diagnosed me with Buy Polar Disorder.
I shouldn't come here anymore My therapist said I need to stop reliving the past.
My therapist says I need to be more understanding So now I'm going to make sure I know what people mean when they tell me things.
Why was the therapist wet? He therapist his pants!
My therapist asked me how many times a day I act immature. I responded, "sixty-nine."
My therapist asked me, "About how many times a day to you over exaggerate?" I replied, "I don't know. Like, a billion."
My therapist told me that if I have a problem with somebody, I should sever ties with them. My coworker just asked me what I was doing to his clip-on.
My therapist told me "Write letters to people you hate, then burn them." Did that, but now what do I do with the letters?
People say I'm crazy, but I regularly see my therapist... It's a shame that she died years ago.
My brother works as a part time civil engineer and part time relationship therapist He's an expert at building bridges
I got diagnosed with kleptomania. My therapist reccomends I take something for it.
My therapist says I'm preoccupied with vengeance. We'll see about that.
What did the Jamaican war hero amputee say to the massage therapist when asked where he wanted to be massaged? DA FEET IS NADDA OPTION!!
I went to see a therapist today... I ended up getting raped.
Therapist: do u blame yourself for your parents divorce
Me: not really
Therapist [quietly while reading through notes]: you probably should
DRACULA VISITS HIS THERAPIST....
THE THERAPIST ASKS... "HOW DO YOU SEE YOURSELF?"
DRACULA SAYS... "I DON'T."
My ex was massage therapist before we broke up and I don't know why everytime I see her. But she just rubs me the wrong way.
What did the therapist tell Usain Bolt? You sane, Bolt
I've been seeing a therapist i saw him last on the subway. i think he's stalking me
What did the headless horseman say to his therapist? .... I don't know what to do, I just can't get ahead in life
What did the therapist wife say to her filmmaker husband? stop projecting!
What did the depressed narcoleptic say to his therapist? Wake me up, wake me up inside!
I had the worst first day of work ever today! ... looking back, maybe I should have noticed something was sketchy about the job posting... "Now hiring at county jai. Position available: Massage Therapist... Space not provided."
Difference between a therapist and a gossipy coworker
Your therapist psychoanalyzes you, then reveals the results to no one except you.
Your gossipy coworker psychoanalyzes you, then reveals the results to everyone except you.
I told my therapist that I was hearing voices. He told me I didn't have a therapist.
What's the difference between a therapist and a tattoo artist? You go to a therapist when you want to get something off your chest, and you go to a tattoo artist when you want to get something on your chest.
Why therapist always have a tiny office? Because if you give them too much space, they will become the rapist.
[OC] My therapist asked me what was my earliest erotic remembrance and I told him it was wearing my mother's lingerie when I was a child. he said it was probably a Freudian slip.
I don't like the massage therapist that moved in next door. He just rubs me the wrong way.
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